Non obvious signs of cheater

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me and trust yourself: If you’re asking, you likely already know what the answer is.

Everyone here talks about how crappy a wife is for using FindMy, but that’s exactly how I FoundMy husband cheating.

He had given me a story about running late from work (again) that just didn’t sit right. My intuition was setting off alarm bells so I looked. I actually posted about it here, that my husband was in a random parking lot, and everyone told me I was a crazy, possessive busy body, that no wonder he was sitting in a parking lot enjoying peace.

So for months I ignored what was likely happening right in front of me, thinking myself overbearing and intrusive, because a bunch of strangers on the internet said as much and shamed me. And so for months he continued cheating, until he got an STI and came clean. Thankfully I hadn’t caught it, but how stupid of me to listed to these idiots here.

Please, trust yourself gut, and do whatever you need to do, WITHOUT GUILT, to get to the bottom of things.

OMG! That is almost exactly my story. I was checking to make sure our child made it home on FindMy and noticed he was at an apartment complex. Called and he didn’t answer the phone. Texted - no response until 30 min later and I’m following his car out of the parking lot on the app while he is trying to convince me he was at the mall. Took another 3 months and him catching an STD. He couldn’t hide that.

A rando Tinder or ongoing with this person? Did u figure out who they were?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me and trust yourself: If you’re asking, you likely already know what the answer is.

Everyone here talks about how crappy a wife is for using FindMy, but that’s exactly how I FoundMy husband cheating.

Mine turned off FindMy. I bided my time until I was ready to confront several weeks later. Oh and I had been having dreams for months that he was cheating and I told him so.

This happened to me and I usually never remember dreams/dreaming !

I have always had vivid dreams but I would wake up crying from these dreams. He told me I was crazy. I was not crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me and trust yourself: If you’re asking, you likely already know what the answer is.

Everyone here talks about how crappy a wife is for using FindMy, but that’s exactly how I FoundMy husband cheating.

Mine turned off FindMy. I bided my time until I was ready to confront several weeks later. Oh and I had been having dreams for months that he was cheating and I told him so.

This happened to me and I usually never remember dreams/dreaming !

I have always had vivid dreams but I would wake up crying from these dreams. He told me I was crazy. I was not crazy.

I woke up and immediately slapped him lmaof . The dream was that real
My body/mind knew long before me. He was like wtf mid-sleep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me and trust yourself: If you’re asking, you likely already know what the answer is.

Everyone here talks about how crappy a wife is for using FindMy, but that’s exactly how I FoundMy husband cheating.

Mine turned off FindMy. I bided my time until I was ready to confront several weeks later. Oh and I had been having dreams for months that he was cheating and I told him so.

what do you do if they turn off find my?

My spouse always has to "go back to work" and constantly traveling, working crazy hours, etc. For the job and salary it seems off. When I checked find my it is in his office building, but that building is close to our home. So how do I know he isn't just dropping his phone there and having any calls I make forwarded to his work cell? I say this because he mentioned how during covid an assistant forwarded calls and voicemails to her work cell and has kept it like that...

I doubt he has an AP at work... no offense but I can't see it with any of them and they have security go through at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust me and trust yourself: If you’re asking, you likely already know what the answer is.

Everyone here talks about how crappy a wife is for using FindMy, but that’s exactly how I FoundMy husband cheating.

He had given me a story about running late from work (again) that just didn’t sit right. My intuition was setting off alarm bells so I looked. I actually posted about it here, that my husband was in a random parking lot, and everyone told me I was a crazy, possessive busy body, that no wonder he was sitting in a parking lot enjoying peace.

So for months I ignored what was likely happening right in front of me, thinking myself overbearing and intrusive, because a bunch of strangers on the internet said as much and shamed me. And so for months he continued cheating, until he got an STI and came clean. Thankfully I hadn’t caught it, but how stupid of me to listed to these idiots here.

Please, trust yourself gut, and do whatever you need to do, WITHOUT GUILT, to get to the bottom of things.

How did you find out for certain he was cheating PP? I remember your thread. I didn’t comment on it but recall thinking that it wasn’t a good sign.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a lot more typical of a sign, but my ex was definitely comfortable in his dad bod until all of a sudden out of nowhere, he developed an interest in running. For about a year, he was “prepping for a marathon” that he never ran, but he did shed a few pounds. AP was a runner, so that’s what was going on.

Fast forward 5 years, he never ran his marathon, doesn’t exercise at all, and has gained at least 50 lbs since the divorce, but they are still together.

Similar story here. We lived in Nova and he found a running group and became friends with one of the women runners. A few years later and he and the AP would sneak off during opportune times. I wonder how many APs have been found by spending so much time together and starting as friends. The non-obvious sign to me was my instinct and how he acted around the AP. I just had a hunch and I was right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me and trust yourself: If you’re asking, you likely already know what the answer is.

Everyone here talks about how crappy a wife is for using FindMy, but that’s exactly how I FoundMy husband cheating.

Mine turned off FindMy. I bided my time until I was ready to confront several weeks later. Oh and I had been having dreams for months that he was cheating and I told him so.

This happened to me and I usually never remember dreams/dreaming !

I have always had vivid dreams but I would wake up crying from these dreams. He told me I was crazy. I was not crazy.

I get it me too waking up from dreams crying

[Anonymous]

Ugh - just tried posting and it didn’t post - hopefully I’ll remember thing again

Signs when my partner of 20 years was cheating. How’s toy, at first I didn’t put a lot of thought into a few of them

Hiding his phones (work and personal
Phone) and iPad. The work phone was because the affair was with a coworker. Always turning them face down if he wasn’t on them. Placing things ON his iPad or phone when he left the room, like a drink or the TV remote.

A change in work hours. It was trickle time at the beginning of- home a little later or the odd extra day, but it got to his vacation being cancelled and needing to tack on extra days to conferences for various reasons. Shifting in his schedule and being vague whenever I tried to pin him down about the schedule and days off that week.

An obsession with cleaning the car all the time. Come he’ll or high water, car always got a deep clean on Sunday evenings.

Mysteriously missing laundry (I’m the one who does all the laundry). Suddenly he wasn’t putting laundry in the basket. This was because while he was leaving the home in work clothes, he was also wearing other casual clothes that I wouldn’t see him in so there was no way to explain while they were in the laundry.

A change in appetite - I found uneaten lunches hidden in the bottom of the garbage or he would barely eat his dinner. I later found grocery receipts for food he was bringing to his APs house (from a specialty store and always better food than he was brining home).

Got shifty about never opening his laptop bag when he got home from work (he would carry his lunch and empty coffee mug in there). Come to figure out he was pretending to go to work, leaving his laptop at home and then taking bottles of wine he’d bought and hidden that he was sharing with her).

A new commitment to fitness- he would “walk” every night at 830. This time was non negotiable - he would not go early if nothing much was going on at home, and would
Literally dash out the door at exactly 830
If there was stuff going on. I figure they had an arranged chat at that time every night.

Strange appointments. He apparently injured himself “walking” so set up with a physiotherapist located between where we live and his workplace (he works about 40min away). He’s then only booked appointments on the days he’s told me he was off, and then “find” errands to run in that area. He then apparently quit going after a few weeks, but didn’t tell me until much later.

Lying about whereabouts - he suddenly was “visiting his parents” a lot. This story fell apart for him when he was apparently with his parents one day but they were texting our group chat. I played it stupid, but I knew.

Gaslighting and always a negative attitude towards me- he’d bring up some topic that we’d never discussed and then accuse me of being crazy for not remembering. I figure he was taking to AP about all kinds of things and couldn’t remember who he had talked to - he wasn’t saying more than 10 words a day to me at that point and certainly nothing of any substance, so I knew it wasn’t me, but he’d throw out the crazy card and the like. That goes along with the usual pattern of behaviour if I asked about his schedule, why he was coming in at 3am instead of 12, etc.

And the usual changes in personal hygiene, disconnection around the house, bad attitude in general. Blame shifting all the time. Weird sleeping patterns (I moved out of the bedroom), a sudden interest in wines he never liked, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me and trust yourself: If you’re asking, you likely already know what the answer is.

Everyone here talks about how crappy a wife is for using FindMy, but that’s exactly how I FoundMy husband cheating.

He had given me a story about running late from work (again) that just didn’t sit right. My intuition was setting off alarm bells so I looked. I actually posted about it here, that my husband was in a random parking lot, and everyone told me I was a crazy, possessive busy body, that no wonder he was sitting in a parking lot enjoying peace.

So for months I ignored what was likely happening right in front of me, thinking myself overbearing and intrusive, because a bunch of strangers on the internet said as much and shamed me. And so for months he continued cheating, until he got an STI and came clean. Thankfully I hadn’t caught it, but how stupid of me to listed to these idiots here.

Please, trust yourself gut, and do whatever you need to do, WITHOUT GUILT, to get to the bottom of things.

How did you find out for certain he was cheating PP? I remember your thread. I didn’t comment on it but recall thinking that it wasn’t a good sign.

He contracted an STI and confessed so I could be tested. Thankfully, I hadn’t contracted it myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh - just tried posting and it didn’t post - hopefully I’ll remember thing again

Signs when my partner of 20 years was cheating. How’s toy, at first I didn’t put a lot of thought into a few of them

Hiding his phones (work and personal
Phone) and iPad. The work phone was because the affair was with a coworker. Always turning them face down if he wasn’t on them. Placing things ON his iPad or phone when he left the room, like a drink or the TV remote.

A change in work hours. It was trickle time at the beginning of- home a little later or the odd extra day, but it got to his vacation being cancelled and needing to tack on extra days to conferences for various reasons. Shifting in his schedule and being vague whenever I tried to pin him down about the schedule and days off that week.

An obsession with cleaning the car all the time. Come he’ll or high water, car always got a deep clean on Sunday evenings.

Mysteriously missing laundry (I’m the one who does all the laundry). Suddenly he wasn’t putting laundry in the basket. This was because while he was leaving the home in work clothes, he was also wearing other casual clothes that I wouldn’t see him in so there was no way to explain while they were in the laundry.

A change in appetite - I found uneaten lunches hidden in the bottom of the garbage or he would barely eat his dinner. I later found grocery receipts for food he was bringing to his APs house (from a specialty store and always better food than he was brining home).

Got shifty about never opening his laptop bag when he got home from work (he would carry his lunch and empty coffee mug in there). Come to figure out he was pretending to go to work, leaving his laptop at home and then taking bottles of wine he’d bought and hidden that he was sharing with her).

A new commitment to fitness- he would “walk” every night at 830. This time was non negotiable - he would not go early if nothing much was going on at home, and would
Literally dash out the door at exactly 830
If there was stuff going on. I figure they had an arranged chat at that time every night.

Strange appointments. He apparently injured himself “walking” so set up with a physiotherapist located between where we live and his workplace (he works about 40min away). He’s then only booked appointments on the days he’s told me he was off, and then “find” errands to run in that area. He then apparently quit going after a few weeks, but didn’t tell me until much later.

Lying about whereabouts - he suddenly was “visiting his parents” a lot. This story fell apart for him when he was apparently with his parents one day but they were texting our group chat. I played it stupid, but I knew.

Gaslighting and always a negative attitude towards me- he’d bring up some topic that we’d never discussed and then accuse me of being crazy for not remembering. I figure he was taking to AP about all kinds of things and couldn’t remember who he had talked to - he wasn’t saying more than 10 words a day to me at that point and certainly nothing of any substance, so I knew it wasn’t me, but he’d throw out the crazy card and the like. That goes along with the usual pattern of behaviour if I asked about his schedule, why he was coming in at 3am instead of 12, etc.

And the usual changes in personal hygiene, disconnection around the house, bad attitude in general. Blame shifting all the time. Weird sleeping patterns (I moved out of the bedroom), a sudden interest in wines he never liked, etc.

How did you play it at the end? Did you confront? Wait for him to crumble? How long has it been and what is your life like now? Hoping to look into a gypsy ball.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh - just tried posting and it didn’t post - hopefully I’ll remember thing again

Signs when my partner of 20 years was cheating. How’s toy, at first I didn’t put a lot of thought into a few of them

Hiding his phones (work and personal
Phone) and iPad. The work phone was because the affair was with a coworker. Always turning them face down if he wasn’t on them. Placing things ON his iPad or phone when he left the room, like a drink or the TV remote.

A change in work hours. It was trickle time at the beginning of- home a little later or the odd extra day, but it got to his vacation being cancelled and needing to tack on extra days to conferences for various reasons. Shifting in his schedule and being vague whenever I tried to pin him down about the schedule and days off that week.

An obsession with cleaning the car all the time. Come he’ll or high water, car always got a deep clean on Sunday evenings.

Mysteriously missing laundry (I’m the one who does all the laundry). Suddenly he wasn’t putting laundry in the basket. This was because while he was leaving the home in work clothes, he was also wearing other casual clothes that I wouldn’t see him in so there was no way to explain while they were in the laundry.

A change in appetite - I found uneaten lunches hidden in the bottom of the garbage or he would barely eat his dinner. I later found grocery receipts for food he was bringing to his APs house (from a specialty store and always better food than he was brining home).

Got shifty about never opening his laptop bag when he got home from work (he would carry his lunch and empty coffee mug in there). Come to figure out he was pretending to go to work, leaving his laptop at home and then taking bottles of wine he’d bought and hidden that he was sharing with her).

A new commitment to fitness- he would “walk” every night at 830. This time was non negotiable - he would not go early if nothing much was going on at home, and would
Literally dash out the door at exactly 830
If there was stuff going on. I figure they had an arranged chat at that time every night.

Strange appointments. He apparently injured himself “walking” so set up with a physiotherapist located between where we live and his workplace (he works about 40min away). He’s then only booked appointments on the days he’s told me he was off, and then “find” errands to run in that area. He then apparently quit going after a few weeks, but didn’t tell me until much later.

Lying about whereabouts - he suddenly was “visiting his parents” a lot. This story fell apart for him when he was apparently with his parents one day but they were texting our group chat. I played it stupid, but I knew.

Gaslighting and always a negative attitude towards me- he’d bring up some topic that we’d never discussed and then accuse me of being crazy for not remembering. I figure he was taking to AP about all kinds of things and couldn’t remember who he had talked to - he wasn’t saying more than 10 words a day to me at that point and certainly nothing of any substance, so I knew it wasn’t me, but he’d throw out the crazy card and the like. That goes along with the usual pattern of behaviour if I asked about his schedule, why he was coming in at 3am instead of 12, etc.

And the usual changes in personal hygiene, disconnection around the house, bad attitude in general. Blame shifting all the time. Weird sleeping patterns (I moved out of the bedroom), a sudden interest in wines he never liked, etc.

How did you play it at the end? Did you confront? Wait for him to crumble? How long has it been and what is your life like now? Hoping to look into a gypsy ball.

Sorry, PP, I don’t have a crystal ball yet. I still live with him and am trying to line up ducks for the next step. He continues to lie and try to gaslight me as if I don’t have proof. When I try to push the issue or ask questions, he DARVOs on me or basically says “I can’t discuss this with you, you just get angry and upset” as though someone who has discovered their partner has been cheating and lying to them for a year should not be angry and upset. I’m in therapy and doing a lot of work on myself (meditation, fitness, working on improving my support community) to ready myself for the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me and trust yourself: If you’re asking, you likely already know what the answer is.

Everyone here talks about how crappy a wife is for using FindMy, but that’s exactly how I FoundMy husband cheating.

He had given me a story about running late from work (again) that just didn’t sit right. My intuition was setting off alarm bells so I looked. I actually posted about it here, that my husband was in a random parking lot, and everyone told me I was a crazy, possessive busy body, that no wonder he was sitting in a parking lot enjoying peace.

So for months I ignored what was likely happening right in front of me, thinking myself overbearing and intrusive, because a bunch of strangers on the internet said as much and shamed me. And so for months he continued cheating, until he got an STI and came clean. Thankfully I hadn’t caught it, but how stupid of me to listed to these idiots here.

Please, trust yourself gut, and do whatever you need to do, WITHOUT GUILT, to get to the bottom of things.

How did you find out for certain he was cheating PP? I remember your thread. I didn’t comment on it but recall thinking that it wasn’t a good sign.

He contracted an STI and confessed so I could be tested. Thankfully, I hadn’t contracted it myself.

I’m so sorry. Are you still together?

[Anonymous]

From a former cheater:

He seems to have an inner happiness, contentment, or calmness that he doesn't deserve no matter how badly you treat him. A smart man works to hide that happiness but it's a hard thing to do in practice.

He stops making moves, complimenting you, or asking you for sex. He seems to have given up asking, like it no longer matters and he's suddenly fine with your sexless marriage. Doesn't even bother kissing you anymore. Just happy to be the roommates you've turned into.

Comes home smelling like gasoline, tells you story about his dumb move at the gas pump where he spilled some on his pants and shoes. Rushes off to take a shower and drops clothes in the washing machine. Can only use this trick once but it's a classic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From a former cheater:

He seems to have an inner happiness, contentment, or calmness that he doesn't deserve no matter how badly you treat him. A smart man works to hide that happiness but it's a hard thing to do in practice.

He stops making moves, complimenting you, or asking you for sex. He seems to have given up asking, like it no longer matters and he's suddenly fine with your sexless marriage. Doesn't even bother kissing you anymore. Just happy to be the roommates you've turned into.

Comes home smelling like gasoline, tells you story about his dumb move at the gas pump where he spilled some on his pants and shoes. Rushes off to take a shower and drops clothes in the washing machine. Can only use this trick once but it's a classic.

Not in my house.

He paid me even more attention. Planned elaborate bday and anniversary trips and parties for me.

Still would grab my @ss and want sex all the time.

Never smelled like gasoline.

Was not happier—was a critical d@cl who would sometimes explode with anger over something extremely critical.

Stopped liking our longtime friends. I think because he felt like a phony.

But- this wasn’t a “love” thing it was no—strings therein may be the difference. Zero plans to leave - wanted his cake and such

[Anonymous]

Extremely trivial, not critical

Drank more, too excess on weekends