Does anyone have a custody schedule where both parents see kids every day?

[Anonymous]

It seems to me that almost any arrangement can work -- one parent decides to date and starts a new committed relationship. Then things change.

I think it might be easier to go with the traditional 50/50 with some willingness to be flexible when plans change.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:WFM spouse seems to be doing more work and has no weekends free.

I would just do 50/50.

What does 50/50 look like in this situation? Genuinely asking.

https://www.custodyxchange.com/topics/schedules/50-50/examples-of-50-50-child-custody-schedules.php

Any of these options. It looks like him being with them and managing them on his own while they are awake. And it looks like you giving up quite a bit more of their waking hours, and therefore more of your child support.

50/50 is very normal and you need to get your head around that it is normal, even if it's not what you want or where you end up.

I think it's a bit unfair that you assume this is about keeping the kids from the other spouse. Other spouse works and commutes. Someone needs to be with the kids during their waking hours. Once someone said that's not enough weekend time I agreed. FWIW this is the schedule that communing spouse proposed.

I don't think OP is trying to keep them from him exactly, but I do think she's trying to maximize what she gets and it necessarily comes out of his time. Almost the same thing.

But commuting spouse proposed this! So it’s not coming from “his” time. If anything he’s overrelying on HER time to do childcare for him.

Did you write this, OP? It's helpful if you identify yourself so people can tell what's coming from you.

It seems OP says there's no acrimony but how could that be true if he's leaving her and basically ditching the kids as well?

This is OP and no I didn't write that. Spouse has proposed this schedule because they want to see the kids everyday and I want them to as well. I think it's in the kids best interests.

Okay, but this reads like it's on you to deliver the kids when he has time in his Mr. Busy Important Man Schedule, and it's also on you to take care of them when he doesn't want to (which is most of the weekend). Like he wants to see them every day (except Sundays?) but he doesn't actually want to spend very much time taking care of them or doing things with them. Is this basically how it has been in your marriage, that you're the default parent and he does as much as he feels like?

I have a very hard time seeing this schedule as being in their best interests because the waking hours with their father are so little, and they're spending a lot of time back-and-forthing (as are you-- a drain on your time right? Who's doing the driving?). I think the schedule below fits what you've described, but correct me if I'm wrong.

Commuting spouse gets:
Monday: 90 mins in the evening= 1.5 hours
Tuesday: An hour in the morning, 90 mins in the evening= 2.5 hours
Wednesday: Same, 2.5 hours
Thursday: Same, 2.5 hours
Friday: Same, 2.5 hours
Saturday: wakeup to 12, so like 5 hours?
Sunday: Nothing.
So 16.5 hours total for the week.

WFH spouse gets:
Monday: 1 hour morning, 2 hours afterschool
Tuesday: 2 hours afterschool
Wednesday: 2 hours afterschool
Thursday: 2 hours afterschool
Friday: 2 hours afterschool
Saturday: 12 to bedtime so like 7 hours
Sunday: The whole day, call it 12 hours waking time.
So the total for the week is 30 hours.

And if you look at the actual *quality* time, subtracting commute to school and boring routine stuff like getting dressed, then the WFH spouse has an even more lopsided share. The commuting spouse has like, an hour weeknights and then Saturday mornings. Not much.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you work a full 40 hour week in a career job that provides retirement benefits with this schedule and no additional childcare? How? What about early dismissal,sick days, breaks, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you work a full 40 hour week in a career job that provides retirement benefits with this schedule and no additional childcare? How? What about early dismissal,sick days, breaks, etc.?

Does he have work travel?

How do holidays work, what about seeing extended family?

The thing about your schedule is you haven't really assigned the hours during the school day to either one of you. Is it your intention to handle all of this, or are you going to agree with him that on certain days of the week, anything unusual or unexpected is his responsibility? Because I don't think you should continue to be Wife-On-Call for a man who's leaving you. Make him feel what it's like to truly be an unmarried parent, since that's what he seems to want.

[Anonymous]

Of course he wants that schedule because it benefits him. Listen, you're getting a divorce and you're not going to see the kids everyday.

Hire a nanny and do one week on and week off. He will have to figure out what do during his week with the kids. Don't bail him out. He left you. If seeing the kids every day was so important he would have tried to stay married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WFM spouse seems to be doing more work and has no weekends free.

I would just do 50/50.

What does 50/50 look like in this situation? Genuinely asking.

https://www.custodyxchange.com/topics/schedules/50-50/examples-of-50-50-child-custody-schedules.php

Any of these options. It looks like him being with them and managing them on his own while they are awake. And it looks like you giving up quite a bit more of their waking hours, and therefore more of your child support.

50/50 is very normal and you need to get your head around that it is normal, even if it's not what you want or where you end up.

I think it's a bit unfair that you assume this is about keeping the kids from the other spouse. Other spouse works and commutes. Someone needs to be with the kids during their waking hours. Once someone said that's not enough weekend time I agreed. FWIW this is the schedule that communing spouse proposed.

I don't think OP is trying to keep them from him exactly, but I do think she's trying to maximize what she gets and it necessarily comes out of his time. Almost the same thing.

But commuting spouse proposed this! So it’s not coming from “his” time. If anything he’s overrelying on HER time to do childcare for him.

Did you write this, OP? It's helpful if you identify yourself so people can tell what's coming from you.

It seems OP says there's no acrimony but how could that be true if he's leaving her and basically ditching the kids as well?

This is OP and no I didn't write that. Spouse has proposed this schedule because they want to see the kids everyday and I want them to as well. I think it's in the kids best interests.

Okay, but this reads like it's on you to deliver the kids when he has time in his Mr. Busy Important Man Schedule, and it's also on you to take care of them when he doesn't want to (which is most of the weekend). Like he wants to see them every day (except Sundays?) but he doesn't actually want to spend very much time taking care of them or doing things with them. Is this basically how it has been in your marriage, that you're the default parent and he does as much as he feels like?

I have a very hard time seeing this schedule as being in their best interests because the waking hours with their father are so little, and they're spending a lot of time back-and-forthing (as are you-- a drain on your time right? Who's doing the driving?). I think the schedule below fits what you've described, but correct me if I'm wrong.

Commuting spouse gets:
Monday: 90 mins in the evening= 1.5 hours
Tuesday: An hour in the morning, 90 mins in the evening= 2.5 hours
Wednesday: Same, 2.5 hours
Thursday: Same, 2.5 hours
Friday: Same, 2.5 hours
Saturday: wakeup to 12, so like 5 hours?
Sunday: Nothing.
So 16.5 hours total for the week.

WFH spouse gets:
Monday: 1 hour morning, 2 hours afterschool
Tuesday: 2 hours afterschool
Wednesday: 2 hours afterschool
Thursday: 2 hours afterschool
Friday: 2 hours afterschool
Saturday: 12 to bedtime so like 7 hours
Sunday: The whole day, call it 12 hours waking time.
So the total for the week is 30 hours.

And if you look at the actual *quality* time, subtracting commute to school and boring routine stuff like getting dressed, then the WFH spouse has an even more lopsided share. The commuting spouse has like, an hour weeknights and then Saturday mornings. Not much.

NP. But this schedule is a function of RTO's parents schedule. The visitation schedule changing doesn't mean RTO gets more quality time. It just means the kids spend more time in daycare when they could be with their WFH parent. RTO parent is only available after 6PM until bedtime regardless.

RTO parent could make up time on the weekends but apparently would rather spend the time dating and having fun.

Really, it's all an argument for WFH parent to have full custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Three kids under six. One spouse commutes and is home 6pm-7:30 am. Other spouse wfh and is off for the day after pickup. Considering a schedule where wfh spouse moves out and comes to pick up kids at 7:30, picks them up from school and drops them off at 6 having fed them. Then wfh spouse has them Saturday at noon for the rest of the weekend (so two nights total a week at their place). No acrimony between stbx spouses.

Not written into the agreement but I wanted to see my dc daily. I pick up dc and take them to school 4 days a week regardless of whether she’s with me or her dad and dad picks up from school and drops off regardless of where kid stays. We slip on Wednesdays. Used to also cover alternating yet consistent days of taking to tennis practice during the week.

[Anonymous]

If it works for you and the kids then it’s fine. But, sounds like maybe one the reason you are divorcing. You get the kids at 7:30 am, get them to school and such, pick up, spend time, make dinner, feed them.

Dad comes in at 6 takes them home, plays 30 min, bath, reads and in bed by 7:30. So no work and fun dad. Same on sat morning.. kids up , watch cartoons, have breakfast, maybe a walk or trip to park, and then mom there. So typical of men who don’t want to parent.

[Anonymous]

It seems like he's convinced you to move out of your own home yet somehow still be the default parent and do almost all of the work you used to do as his wife.

Girl open your eyes. This man is exploiting you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like he's convinced you to move out of your own home yet somehow still be the default parent and do almost all of the work you used to do as his wife.

Girl open your eyes. This man is exploiting you.

There’s a possible kernels of truth there …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like he's convinced you to move out of your own home yet somehow still be the default parent and do almost all of the work you used to do as his wife.

Girl open your eyes. This man is exploiting you.

Yes this.

OP, don’t be a doormat. Doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk but you also don’t have to roll over.

Why did you move out? Sounds like you’re doing all the wifely things with none of the benefits.

You have agency here. Use it. Do you even have an attorney?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like he's convinced you to move out of your own home yet somehow still be the default parent and do almost all of the work you used to do as his wife.

Girl open your eyes. This man is exploiting you.

I agree completely but I can also see why the OP wants to maximize time with her kids above else. The system sucks. In the 90s, the WFH parent would have gotten full custody and kept the house.

[Anonymous]

This is OP again. Sorry at a play with my kids. I left a ton out in an effort for brevity but I can clear some things up, just didn't want to drone on.

I haven't moved out, he's staying in the guest room. Will likely move out after Christmas. He makes over 2 mil a year, we've been married ten years so if I want I can get half, no prenup. I don't want half I just want my kids taken care of. I didn't marry him for money, have begged him to step back at work, obviously he hasn't and this is one of many reasons we're divorcing.

I am a phd level psych and charge $250 an hour. I can work nights if he has the kids. In two years when they're all in school 8-3 I will ramp up my schedule.

We live in a very small town, my parents are local. He's not close to his family (obviously a red flag I missed). The place I want to rent is five minutes from current house and two minutes from kids school and youngest daycare. The driving isn't anything different than I'm currently doing.

He's a good day, just a damaged person who can't accept responsibility for his actions and wants the easy way out. I don't know how his relationship with his kids will develop as they see more but for now it's good and I want to encourage that.

[Anonymous]

I know someone who kept the family house and each parent got their own apartment. The kids always stayed in the home and the parents went back and forth. I'm not sure exactly how they split custody. I think this is an ideal arrangement but it requires the parents to get along and co-parent well, a large enough house that both parents had their own room, and $$$ since they had 3 homes between them. These parents did this until the youngest left for college then they sold the family house, divided the proceeds, and each got bigger places so the kids could stay with either of them over school breaks.

[Anonymous]

You better get half because that's what you are entitled to. Don't let him steamroll you into anything. Get a great attorney. He can move out.