New baby with second husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Focus on your kids. Adding a new half sibling will take away from them, and yes it is different from a full sibling.

+1

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

I had a baby with my second husband. One from first marriage. What you are describing is a hard idea for a lot of reasons. If your youngest kid is 9, that kid will be entering teen years when you have a new baby. In my experience, tween years are when you want to be the most present for your kids as they are dealing with a lot of development at that time. Having a new baby or being pregnant or otherwise focused on "the second round" as you call it would make it really hard for you to be the best parent you can be to the kids you already have. You are also old enough that pregnancy itself is going to be physically difficult in ways that your decade-ago pregnancies were not. My second baby was born when I was 35, at which point my older child was turning 8. Being pregnant at 35 was physically harder than the easy pregnancy I had 28.

Honestly, that you are calling it a "second round" is a red flag. Quit playing fantasy house with your new husband and parent the children you already have.

How is this different than any other family with three ot more kids?

Because full siblings are not half-siblings and two parents are not divorced parents with another stepparent thrown in the mix. Because the house is the house, there’s no custody schedule, there’s no split holidays, there’s no split family, there is just one family. What about that aren’t you getting?

Again, how are those issues? If you don’t like it don’t divorce.

NP. The kids don't have a choice. I think it's hard on the kids who have to go back and forth between parents while the new family's kid gets to have a "whole unit" family.

You sound defensive.

You don't understand, the step kids are part of the family unit, they just leave their family half the time.

They have two families. They are not leaving their family half the time. They are splitting time between both their parents.

Indeed, and splitting time sucks. It sucks even more when you have to watch another kid grow up in an intact family, and have even less time with your parent as a result.

Kids don’t actually think that way. That’s an adult take on it.

. Oh please. Kids know when they're getting less. They will resent it, even if they don't feel safe expressing it. This kind of thing is why ACOD so often distance themselves from family complexity.

Kids don’t get jealous of baby sibs that way. Trust me my dad’s remarriage caused MANY issues but jealousy of the baby was not one. The baby was cute.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

I had a baby with my second husband. One from first marriage. What you are describing is a hard idea for a lot of reasons. If your youngest kid is 9, that kid will be entering teen years when you have a new baby. In my experience, tween years are when you want to be the most present for your kids as they are dealing with a lot of development at that time. Having a new baby or being pregnant or otherwise focused on "the second round" as you call it would make it really hard for you to be the best parent you can be to the kids you already have. You are also old enough that pregnancy itself is going to be physically difficult in ways that your decade-ago pregnancies were not. My second baby was born when I was 35, at which point my older child was turning 8. Being pregnant at 35 was physically harder than the easy pregnancy I had 28.

Honestly, that you are calling it a "second round" is a red flag. Quit playing fantasy house with your new husband and parent the children you already have.

How is this different than any other family with three ot more kids?

Because full siblings are not half-siblings and two parents are not divorced parents with another stepparent thrown in the mix. Because the house is the house, there’s no custody schedule, there’s no split holidays, there’s no split family, there is just one family. What about that aren’t you getting?

Again, how are those issues? If you don’t like it don’t divorce.

NP. The kids don't have a choice. I think it's hard on the kids who have to go back and forth between parents while the new family's kid gets to have a "whole unit" family.

You sound defensive.

You don't understand, the step kids are part of the family unit, they just leave their family half the time.

They have two families. They are not leaving their family half the time. They are splitting time between both their parents.

Indeed, and splitting time sucks. It sucks even more when you have to watch another kid grow up in an intact family, and have even less time with your parent as a result.

Kids don’t actually think that way. That’s an adult take on it.

No, you're 1000000% wrong. Kids think this way, and worse. It's the adult and mature way to look at it as "just growing the family" and "sharing the love". No, kids see another kid getting more time, effort, attention and money spent on them. They see themselves as outcasts and neglected to the new baby.

The only people pushing this are the selfish people who has new children instead of just loving the family they built already. Sad that you really can't see it from the real POV.

I lived this situation! OP’s kids are older - they are not going to be jealous that mom is changing their half-sib’s diaper. They’ll be off doing their own thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t purely due to age. Older age, more potential complications for you and the baby, more likely kid is to lose parents early.

My 40 year old stepmother opted to have another baby with my dad. Half sister was great, loved by all, but my family really fell apart when she was young due to various health issues. And I know she felt very lonely as the only kid in the house with old parents when the older kids went to college. She’ll get zero financial or physical help from our parents when she has kids b/c they are both basically in their graves now.

40 isn’t old to have a child but 80 for grandparents can be.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

One thing to consider is your new DH's relationship with your existing kid(s). Can he take them to soccer practice when you're home with your new baby? My friend who did this successfully relied a lot on her DH to help her older kid, as he was better with a kid than a baby. This meant he drove the older kid around a lot for sports practices and competitions. The older kid was annoyed that it was his stepdad and not his mom doing it, but that annoyance was deeper as his own dad was a bit of a trainwreck, and he had to deal with some big feelings.

Dad and mom can be driving. These kids have two parents. Stepdad deserves his own kid too. You expecting him to play dad to other kids and not have his own is selfish.

You missed the point. The original kid’s dad is a deadbeat. Stepdad preferred running stepkid around over staying home with a newborn. Newborns are hard.

And yet parents do it all the time. Kid will not be a newborn forever. Newborns are easy as they can go everywhere. It’s more the 2-5 stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t purely due to age. Older age, more potential complications for you and the baby, more likely kid is to lose parents early.

My 40 year old stepmother opted to have another baby with my dad. Half sister was great, loved by all, but my family really fell apart when she was young due to various health issues. And I know she felt very lonely as the only kid in the house with old parents when the older kids went to college. She’ll get zero financial or physical help from our parents when she has kids b/c they are both basically in their graves now.

40 isn’t old to have a child but 80 for grandparents can be.

Op says she is “over 40” now so she could be 43-44 before she manages to give birth to another baby. It’s old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t purely due to age. Older age, more potential complications for you and the baby, more likely kid is to lose parents early.

My 40 year old stepmother opted to have another baby with my dad. Half sister was great, loved by all, but my family really fell apart when she was young due to various health issues. And I know she felt very lonely as the only kid in the house with old parents when the older kids went to college. She’ll get zero financial or physical help from our parents when she has kids b/c they are both basically in their graves now.

What? Basically in the grave? My parents became grandparents in their late 60s and 70s and so far they’ve been really helpful including as the kids get older they’re still out on adventures like skiing and golfing with them. I know they’d be offended by your comment. 40 is not too old to have a baby.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

I had a baby with my second husband. One from first marriage. What you are describing is a hard idea for a lot of reasons. If your youngest kid is 9, that kid will be entering teen years when you have a new baby. In my experience, tween years are when you want to be the most present for your kids as they are dealing with a lot of development at that time. Having a new baby or being pregnant or otherwise focused on "the second round" as you call it would make it really hard for you to be the best parent you can be to the kids you already have. You are also old enough that pregnancy itself is going to be physically difficult in ways that your decade-ago pregnancies were not. My second baby was born when I was 35, at which point my older child was turning 8. Being pregnant at 35 was physically harder than the easy pregnancy I had 28.

Honestly, that you are calling it a "second round" is a red flag. Quit playing fantasy house with your new husband and parent the children you already have.

How is this different than any other family with three ot more kids?

Because full siblings are not half-siblings and two parents are not divorced parents with another stepparent thrown in the mix. Because the house is the house, there’s no custody schedule, there’s no split holidays, there’s no split family, there is just one family. What about that aren’t you getting?

Again, how are those issues? If you don’t like it don’t divorce.

NP. The kids don't have a choice. I think it's hard on the kids who have to go back and forth between parents while the new family's kid gets to have a "whole unit" family.

You sound defensive.

You don't understand, the step kids are part of the family unit, they just leave their family half the time.

They have two families. They are not leaving their family half the time. They are splitting time between both their parents.

Indeed, and splitting time sucks. It sucks even more when you have to watch another kid grow up in an intact family, and have even less time with your parent as a result.

Kids don’t actually think that way. That’s an adult take on it.

. Oh please. Kids know when they're getting less. They will resent it, even if they don't feel safe expressing it. This kind of thing is why ACOD so often distance themselves from family complexity.

Kids don’t get jealous of baby sibs that way. Trust me my dad’s remarriage caused MANY issues but jealousy of the baby was not one. The baby was cute.

Yeah sure, a baby is cure. But that's not what the jealousy is about. It's about the time and attention and "we cant afford that, we have to buy XYZ for baby". Yes babies are cute, but taking family resources away from existing children is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t purely due to age. Older age, more potential complications for you and the baby, more likely kid is to lose parents early.

My 40 year old stepmother opted to have another baby with my dad. Half sister was great, loved by all, but my family really fell apart when she was young due to various health issues. And I know she felt very lonely as the only kid in the house with old parents when the older kids went to college. She’ll get zero financial or physical help from our parents when she has kids b/c they are both basically in their graves now.

This.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

I had a baby with my second husband. One from first marriage. What you are describing is a hard idea for a lot of reasons. If your youngest kid is 9, that kid will be entering teen years when you have a new baby. In my experience, tween years are when you want to be the most present for your kids as they are dealing with a lot of development at that time. Having a new baby or being pregnant or otherwise focused on "the second round" as you call it would make it really hard for you to be the best parent you can be to the kids you already have. You are also old enough that pregnancy itself is going to be physically difficult in ways that your decade-ago pregnancies were not. My second baby was born when I was 35, at which point my older child was turning 8. Being pregnant at 35 was physically harder than the easy pregnancy I had 28.

Honestly, that you are calling it a "second round" is a red flag. Quit playing fantasy house with your new husband and parent the children you already have.

How is this different than any other family with three ot more kids?

Because full siblings are not half-siblings and two parents are not divorced parents with another stepparent thrown in the mix. Because the house is the house, there’s no custody schedule, there’s no split holidays, there’s no split family, there is just one family. What about that aren’t you getting?

Again, how are those issues? If you don’t like it don’t divorce.

NP. The kids don't have a choice. I think it's hard on the kids who have to go back and forth between parents while the new family's kid gets to have a "whole unit" family.

You sound defensive.

You don't understand, the step kids are part of the family unit, they just leave their family half the time.

They have two families. They are not leaving their family half the time. They are splitting time between both their parents.

Indeed, and splitting time sucks. It sucks even more when you have to watch another kid grow up in an intact family, and have even less time with your parent as a result.

Kids don’t actually think that way. That’s an adult take on it.

. Oh please. Kids know when they're getting less. They will resent it, even if they don't feel safe expressing it. This kind of thing is why ACOD so often distance themselves from family complexity.

Kids don’t get jealous of baby sibs that way. Trust me my dad’s remarriage caused MANY issues but jealousy of the baby was not one. The baby was cute.

Yeah sure, a baby is cure. But that's not what the jealousy is about. It's about the time and attention and "we cant afford that, we have to buy XYZ for baby". Yes babies are cute, but taking family resources away from existing children is not.

Entitled much? What about Mormon and Catholic families who are having 4-8 children? This is an argument against big families, not OP having a new baby (unless OP already has a lot of kids).

OP, you can't ask the internet about family sizes because you will trigger people who have issues that are not your issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t purely due to age. Older age, more potential complications for you and the baby, more likely kid is to lose parents early.

My 40 year old stepmother opted to have another baby with my dad. Half sister was great, loved by all, but my family really fell apart when she was young due to various health issues. And I know she felt very lonely as the only kid in the house with old parents when the older kids went to college. She’ll get zero financial or physical help from our parents when she has kids b/c they are both basically in their graves now.

What? Basically in the grave? My parents became grandparents in their late 60s and 70s and so far they’ve been really helpful including as the kids get older they’re still out on adventures like skiing and golfing with them. I know they’d be offended by your comment. 40 is not too old to have a baby.

If OP’s baby had a baby in her early 30s OP could be close to 80. It’s just that much more likely to deteriorate if you are older. And for the child to have developmental issues. Babies are cute but who wants a toddler when you are 45?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

I had a baby with my second husband. One from first marriage. What you are describing is a hard idea for a lot of reasons. If your youngest kid is 9, that kid will be entering teen years when you have a new baby. In my experience, tween years are when you want to be the most present for your kids as they are dealing with a lot of development at that time. Having a new baby or being pregnant or otherwise focused on "the second round" as you call it would make it really hard for you to be the best parent you can be to the kids you already have. You are also old enough that pregnancy itself is going to be physically difficult in ways that your decade-ago pregnancies were not. My second baby was born when I was 35, at which point my older child was turning 8. Being pregnant at 35 was physically harder than the easy pregnancy I had 28.

Honestly, that you are calling it a "second round" is a red flag. Quit playing fantasy house with your new husband and parent the children you already have.

How is this different than any other family with three ot more kids?

Because full siblings are not half-siblings and two parents are not divorced parents with another stepparent thrown in the mix. Because the house is the house, there’s no custody schedule, there’s no split holidays, there’s no split family, there is just one family. What about that aren’t you getting?

Again, how are those issues? If you don’t like it don’t divorce.

NP. The kids don't have a choice. I think it's hard on the kids who have to go back and forth between parents while the new family's kid gets to have a "whole unit" family.

You sound defensive.

You don't understand, the step kids are part of the family unit, they just leave their family half the time.

They have two families. They are not leaving their family half the time. They are splitting time between both their parents.

Indeed, and splitting time sucks. It sucks even more when you have to watch another kid grow up in an intact family, and have even less time with your parent as a result.

Kids don’t actually think that way. That’s an adult take on it.

. Oh please. Kids know when they're getting less. They will resent it, even if they don't feel safe expressing it. This kind of thing is why ACOD so often distance themselves from family complexity.

Kids don’t get jealous of baby sibs that way. Trust me my dad’s remarriage caused MANY issues but jealousy of the baby was not one. The baby was cute.

Yeah sure, a baby is cure. But that's not what the jealousy is about. It's about the time and attention and "we cant afford that, we have to buy XYZ for baby". Yes babies are cute, but taking family resources away from existing children is not.

Entitled much? What about Mormon and Catholic families who are having 4-8 children? This is an argument against big families, not OP having a new baby (unless OP already has a lot of kids).

OP, you can't ask the internet about family sizes because you will trigger people who have issues that are not your issues.

Huh? I dont think people should have more children than they can care for. If you're having 8 children, it's clear that the eldest is basically raising the younger ones. It's inappropriate in most cases, and not fair to the elder children whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

I had a baby with my second husband. One from first marriage. What you are describing is a hard idea for a lot of reasons. If your youngest kid is 9, that kid will be entering teen years when you have a new baby. In my experience, tween years are when you want to be the most present for your kids as they are dealing with a lot of development at that time. Having a new baby or being pregnant or otherwise focused on "the second round" as you call it would make it really hard for you to be the best parent you can be to the kids you already have. You are also old enough that pregnancy itself is going to be physically difficult in ways that your decade-ago pregnancies were not. My second baby was born when I was 35, at which point my older child was turning 8. Being pregnant at 35 was physically harder than the easy pregnancy I had 28.

Honestly, that you are calling it a "second round" is a red flag. Quit playing fantasy house with your new husband and parent the children you already have.

How is this different than any other family with three ot more kids?

Because full siblings are not half-siblings and two parents are not divorced parents with another stepparent thrown in the mix. Because the house is the house, there’s no custody schedule, there’s no split holidays, there’s no split family, there is just one family. What about that aren’t you getting?

Again, how are those issues? If you don’t like it don’t divorce.

NP. The kids don't have a choice. I think it's hard on the kids who have to go back and forth between parents while the new family's kid gets to have a "whole unit" family.

You sound defensive.

You don't understand, the step kids are part of the family unit, they just leave their family half the time.

They have two families. They are not leaving their family half the time. They are splitting time between both their parents.

Indeed, and splitting time sucks. It sucks even more when you have to watch another kid grow up in an intact family, and have even less time with your parent as a result.

Kids don’t actually think that way. That’s an adult take on it.

. Oh please. Kids know when they're getting less. They will resent it, even if they don't feel safe expressing it. This kind of thing is why ACOD so often distance themselves from family complexity.

Kids don’t get jealous of baby sibs that way. Trust me my dad’s remarriage caused MANY issues but jealousy of the baby was not one. The baby was cute.

Right, and this is a totally reasonable reason to bring a human being into the world.



Some people should not be parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t purely due to age. Older age, more potential complications for you and the baby, more likely kid is to lose parents early.

My 40 year old stepmother opted to have another baby with my dad. Half sister was great, loved by all, but my family really fell apart when she was young due to various health issues. And I know she felt very lonely as the only kid in the house with old parents when the older kids went to college. She’ll get zero financial or physical help from our parents when she has kids b/c they are both basically in their graves now.

40 isn’t old to have a child but 80 for grandparents can be.

Op says she is “over 40” now so she could be 43-44 before she manages to give birth to another baby. It’s old.

Oh please--in DC, she'd fit right in. Plenty of women having their first child at 39+. And with IUI, IVF etc, she doesn't need to wait 3 years to have a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why. Just take care of the kids you've got

+1 this. Just don't. Your kids from your first marriage will end up feeling replaced and rudderless. Why do that to them?