Custody question - what did it take to get more than 50-50

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The forensic evaluator said my ex was “too selfish to effectively parent long term” and recommended custody to me, visitation to him.

So that’s what happened.

Did you go to a trial? Did the court appoint the evaluator? Did you have a GAL? I am in a custody battle and my tweens do not want to live with him. He has a lawyer. He filed. I am going to see a free clinic lawyer. We are still in same house. It’s horrible.

NP This is horrible. Hopefully his lawyer will let him know that kids decide at a certain age and he will give you primary custody. He can have ample visitation. 50 50 is not good for most kids, even if it is the presumption (back story is that 50 50 was a legislative push by men’s rights orgs with a motive to avoid child support)

This is not true. Most kids do best when they see both parents regularly and frequently. (yes, there are exceptions, in particular situations,of course). And child support can be ordered in 50/50 if the income disparities qualify.

This is absolutely true, but you seem to have misread what I wrote. I didn’t say no access to both parents. Regular access is fine, but making a kid divide their lives 50/50 is not ideal. This 50/50 push was driven by avoidance of child support which is a fairly strict calculation in most states, driven by custody time. 50 50 sounds fair on paper but it is not ideal for kids. Having one secure home base is best, with regular access by the non custodial parent.

That isn’t ideal at all and you are very controlling. Seeing your kid for an hour or two under the other parent’s supervision is not parenting. If you think this is imoortant let the other parent have custody and you visit. You want full custody for the child support. It’s about your income not the kids.

it’s quite common for men to view the woman’s preferences for the kids as “controlling.” the fact that you focus on the dad’s “rights” and not on the kids’ best interests is suspect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex had one bedroom apartment, and judge preferred to see kids in their own home with separate bedrooms. I was a SAHM too, so I offered more stability.

That's ridiculous and not a reason to keep the kids from their other parent.

Not to mention if ex had 50/50 his child support would go way down and he could probably afford a bigger place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ex had one bedroom apartment, and judge preferred to see kids in their own home with separate bedrooms. I was a SAHM too, so I offered more stability.

There’s probably a direct connection between only having a 1 BR and an ex-wife who stays at home and has full custody. How ridiculously unfair to the ex-husband. I hope you aren’t getting a dime in alimony.

[Anonymous]

In 50-50 jurisdictions the only way to get more custody time is physical abuse on the child. And by that, I mean things that go beyond pinching, slapping, grabbing a bit too tight. Real physical aggression. It does not matter if the parent way physically abused. They could have been pushed and shoved in front of the child and it’s still typically seen as marital contretemps. So she should not waste her time nor money unless she can demonstrate substantial physical abuse of the child.

[Anonymous]

Suicidal ideation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suicidal ideation

of whom? a mentally unstable parent? or a child who is manipulated by the mentally unstable parent?
did you order a psych eval?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who were able to get more than half custody, assuming the other spouse wanted half, what did it take?

If there was emotional abuse towards the child and both physical and emotional towards the mother how and what did you document?

My friend did speak to a few attorneys but they said that emotional abuse towards children is hard to prove and has to be horrendous to really matter much in family court.

Had court order family therapy. Ex never showed. Therapist are mandatory reporters so if somethings wrong they have to report

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who were able to get more than half custody, assuming the other spouse wanted half, what did it take?

If there was emotional abuse towards the child and both physical and emotional towards the mother how and what did you document?

My friend did speak to a few attorneys but they said that emotional abuse towards children is hard to prove and has to be horrendous to really matter much in family court.

Your friend is right. The best results I’ve seen is when people don’t fight it out using lawyers, they agree to 50 50 but guess what? Many men don’t really want it, so kids end up back primarily with mom anyway

Yes, this is what I observed as well. On paper the agreement is 50/50 and it starts out that way but slowly over the first year it shifts to something closer to 80/20 and most of the time with mom. One friend's ex eventually dropped the full every other weekend and would just come every other Saturday to whatever game her son had and then he would take him out for a bit and bring him back before bedtime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who were able to get more than half custody, assuming the other spouse wanted half, what did it take?

If there was emotional abuse towards the child and both physical and emotional towards the mother how and what did you document?

My friend did speak to a few attorneys but they said that emotional abuse towards children is hard to prove and has to be horrendous to really matter much in family court.

Your friend is right. The best results I’ve seen is when people don’t fight it out using lawyers, they agree to 50 50 but guess what? Many men don’t really want it, so kids end up back primarily with mom anyway

Yes, this is what I observed as well. On paper the agreement is 50/50 and it starts out that way but slowly over the first year it shifts to something closer to 80/20 and most of the time with mom. One friend's ex eventually dropped the full every other weekend and would just come every other Saturday to whatever game her son had and then he would take him out for a bit and bring him back before bedtime.

Yep. As soon as daddy gets a girlfriend, he drops the kids like hot rocks.

Seen it over and over and over and over again.

[Anonymous]

He gave it up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who were able to get more than half custody, assuming the other spouse wanted half, what did it take?

If there was emotional abuse towards the child and both physical and emotional towards the mother how and what did you document?

My friend did speak to a few attorneys but they said that emotional abuse towards children is hard to prove and has to be horrendous to really matter much in family court.

It took hiring a PI during the unhealthy parent’s custody time and reporting negligence and endangerment back to the judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who were able to get more than half custody, assuming the other spouse wanted half, what did it take?

If there was emotional abuse towards the child and both physical and emotional towards the mother how and what did you document?

My friend did speak to a few attorneys but they said that emotional abuse towards children is hard to prove and has to be horrendous to really matter much in family court.

Your friend is right. The best results I’ve seen is when people don’t fight it out using lawyers, they agree to 50 50 but guess what? Many men don’t really want it, so kids end up back primarily with mom anyway

Yes, this is what I observed as well. On paper the agreement is 50/50 and it starts out that way but slowly over the first year it shifts to something closer to 80/20 and most of the time with mom. One friend's ex eventually dropped the full every other weekend and would just come every other Saturday to whatever game her son had and then he would take him out for a bit and bring him back before bedtime.

Yep. As soon as daddy gets a girlfriend, he drops the kids like hot rocks.

Seen it over and over and over and over again.

Yawn, stop making up stuff.

[Anonymous]

My husband has been psychologically, verbally and financially abusive to me and the kids. He looks very good on paper and has the money. The kids will only be free of him when they are financially independent themselves. I may never reach that point. What matters is that the kids and I are a team, and we love each other and defend each other. One kid is out of the house already. The other is in high school. We've made it this far, we can make it a few more years.

And when he grows old, there won't be anyone to look after him. He has no friends. His siblings won't miss him. And I certainly won't bear that burden, after everything he's done to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The forensic evaluator said my ex was “too selfish to effectively parent long term” and recommended custody to me, visitation to him.

So that’s what happened.

Did you go to a trial? Did the court appoint the evaluator? Did you have a GAL? I am in a custody battle and my tweens do not want to live with him. He has a lawyer. He filed. I am going to see a free clinic lawyer. We are still in same house. It’s horrible.

NP This is horrible. Hopefully his lawyer will let him know that kids decide at a certain age and he will give you primary custody. He can have ample visitation. 50 50 is not good for most kids, even if it is the presumption (back story is that 50 50 was a legislative push by men’s rights orgs with a motive to avoid child support)

This is not true. Most kids do best when they see both parents regularly and frequently. (yes, there are exceptions, in particular situations,of course). And child support can be ordered in 50/50 if the income disparities qualify.

This is absolutely true, but you seem to have misread what I wrote. I didn’t say no access to both parents. Regular access is fine, but making a kid divide their lives 50/50 is not ideal. This 50/50 push was driven by avoidance of child support which is a fairly strict calculation in most states, driven by custody time. 50 50 sounds fair on paper but it is not ideal for kids. Having one secure home base is best, with regular access by the non custodial parent.

That isn’t ideal at all and you are very controlling. Seeing your kid for an hour or two under the other parent’s supervision is not parenting. If you think this is imoortant let the other parent have custody and you visit. You want full custody for the child support. It’s about your income not the kids.

it’s quite common for men to view the woman’s preferences for the kids as “controlling.” the fact that you focus on the dad’s “rights” and not on the kids’ best interests is suspect.

Moms are often very controlling partly for spite, partly for child support, and if they did something like cheat, to cover it up by justifying it by blaming dad. Moms can be bad parents, just like dad's can. Sometimes dad is the better parent, sometimes mom, sometimes neither. 50-50 should be standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been psychologically, verbally and financially abusive to me and the kids. He looks very good on paper and has the money. The kids will only be free of him when they are financially independent themselves. I may never reach that point. What matters is that the kids and I are a team, and we love each other and defend each other. One kid is out of the house already. The other is in high school. We've made it this far, we can make it a few more years.

And when he grows old, there won't be anyone to look after him. He has no friends. His siblings won't miss him. And I certainly won't bear that burden, after everything he's done to me.

Get a job and move out. Simple.