How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there any DHs that meet the bar? Or is half of mankind just that you incompetent?

I’m a guy who does all the laundry, all the cleaning, and all the outside work, along with half the parenting. It seems like I’d be a catch on DCUM, if it weren’t for the ugly part. Oh well.

No you wouldn’t! They’d hit you with the “mental load” BS and accuse you of not pulling your weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try really hard to give my DH partial credit.

He’s never ever going to turn into the partner I thought he was going to be, and I’ve tried really hard to let it go.

This is what I do too. It’s impossible to compel another adult to do things, and when I point out the work that didn’t get done, somehow I’m the shrew. I got tired of being considered “the problem”.

this is me too. when I bite my tongue because I see items from the dishwasher "still drying" I remind myself of the things he does around the house that I hate doing, or other ways he takes care of me. I'm not perfect either and I feel it's better in the long run to let some things slide

[Anonymous]

Murder

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try really hard to give my DH partial credit.

He’s never ever going to turn into the partner I thought he was going to be, and I’ve tried really hard to let it go.

This is what I do too. It’s impossible to compel another adult to do things, and when I point out the work that didn’t get done, somehow I’m the shrew. I got tired of being considered “the problem”.

this is me too. when I bite my tongue because I see items from the dishwasher "still drying" I remind myself of the things he does around the house that I hate doing, or other ways he takes care of me. I'm not perfect either and I feel it's better in the long run to let some things slide

Why is “still drying” in quotes? Do you insist that dishes must be put away immediately? If yes, that’s definitely a “you” problem, and I’d tell you to do it yourself if it matters to you that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try FairPlay cards.

Men need to be called out that they are acting like babies and can, just like they do at work, take on adult responsibilities.

NP here who tried FairPlay. DH wouldn't read the book and ignored the cards, and announced that it was a waste of his time because everything was going ok already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can be guilty of this. I do think ADHD is something I struggle with but can mostly manage. I wish I could say why my brain does it. It's like. I know the laundry needs to be switched over but I just end up doing something else and keep saying "I'll do it later". The difference is that I know it drives DH crazy so I make a real effort to follow through on everything. I make a lot of lists. For whatever reason physically crossing things off helps me. I also make myself stop and say "no, bring the glass to the kitchen when you stand up. Don't say you'll do it later"

So, so, so soooo, sick of the ADHD excuse. There, I said it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try really hard to give my DH partial credit.

He’s never ever going to turn into the partner I thought he was going to be, and I’ve tried really hard to let it go.

This is what I do too. It’s impossible to compel another adult to do things, and when I point out the work that didn’t get done, somehow I’m the shrew. I got tired of being considered “the problem”.

this is me too. when I bite my tongue because I see items from the dishwasher "still drying" I remind myself of the things he does around the house that I hate doing, or other ways he takes care of me. I'm not perfect either and I feel it's better in the long run to let some things slide

Why is “still drying” in quotes? Do you insist that dishes must be put away immediately? If yes, that’s definitely a “you” problem, and I’d tell you to do it yourself if it matters to you that much.

LOL. My DH believes deep in his heart that dishes need 3-5 days to air dry and clothing 2-3 weeks. He would die, eat off the floor, or go naked before he cleared an entire dishrack or drying rack. I brought this up last week and pointed to the dishtowel next to the dishrack when he complained that he had to stop doing dishes because the rack was full. I said "You know, you can dry the dishes with this towel. It's what it's for." He said "but then I have to put everything away and it all goes in different places."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's adhd. My dh and kid does the same thing.

How convenient for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t buy the ADHD excuse if someone is successful at work.

That’s because you don’t understand ADHD.

On DCum, every husband has ADHD. Some guys are just lazy and losers and it’s tolerated. Not every weakness has a medical reason. If some guys mother spoiled him, he will expect the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try really hard to give my DH partial credit.

He’s never ever going to turn into the partner I thought he was going to be, and I’ve tried really hard to let it go.

This is what I do too. It’s impossible to compel another adult to do things, and when I point out the work that didn’t get done, somehow I’m the shrew. I got tired of being considered “the problem”.

this is me too. when I bite my tongue because I see items from the dishwasher "still drying" I remind myself of the things he does around the house that I hate doing, or other ways he takes care of me. I'm not perfect either and I feel it's better in the long run to let some things slide

Why is “still drying” in quotes? Do you insist that dishes must be put away immediately? If yes, that’s definitely a “you” problem, and I’d tell you to do it yourself if it matters to you that much.

DP but is this one person repeatedly insisting that doing some portion of a task is a huge contribution? Because moving things from the dishwasher to the counter is not actually completing the chore of "empty the dishwasher" - putting the dishes away is.

I think everyone is guilty of half-assing it here or there and it's important to give grace and remember you're not perfect. But if one partner is literally doing this for every single household task, they're treating the other as a maid to follow behind them and clean up messes. And that's no way to exist in the world, regardless of you caping for them in the comments with "if you want to live in a house where anything is complete, that's a you problem! Do literally every single thing yourself! Freeloading is logical!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can be guilty of this. I do think ADHD is something I struggle with but can mostly manage. I wish I could say why my brain does it. It's like. I know the laundry needs to be switched over but I just end up doing something else and keep saying "I'll do it later". The difference is that I know it drives DH crazy so I make a real effort to follow through on everything. I make a lot of lists. For whatever reason physically crossing things off helps me. I also make myself stop and say "no, bring the glass to the kitchen when you stand up. Don't say you'll do it later"

So, so, so soooo, sick of the ADHD excuse. There, I said it.

Nobody cares what you think, ya narcissist shrew!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try FairPlay cards.

Men need to be called out that they are acting like babies and can, just like they do at work, take on adult responsibilities.

NP here who tried FairPlay. DH wouldn't read the book and ignored the cards, and announced that it was a waste of his time because everything was going ok already.

That is so frustrating! I found the "conception, planning, execution"part to be incredibly helpful, I'm sorry he wasn't receptive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try really hard to give my DH partial credit.

He’s never ever going to turn into the partner I thought he was going to be, and I’ve tried really hard to let it go.

This is what I do too. It’s impossible to compel another adult to do things, and when I point out the work that didn’t get done, somehow I’m the shrew. I got tired of being considered “the problem”.

this is me too. when I bite my tongue because I see items from the dishwasher "still drying" I remind myself of the things he does around the house that I hate doing, or other ways he takes care of me. I'm not perfect either and I feel it's better in the long run to let some things slide

Why is “still drying” in quotes? Do you insist that dishes must be put away immediately? If yes, that’s definitely a “you” problem, and I’d tell you to do it yourself if it matters to you that much.

DP but is this one person repeatedly insisting that doing some portion of a task is a huge contribution? Because moving things from the dishwasher to the counter is not actually completing the chore of "empty the dishwasher" - putting the dishes away is.

I think everyone is guilty of half-assing it here or there and it's important to give grace and remember you're not perfect. But if one partner is literally doing this for every single household task, they're treating the other as a maid to follow behind them and clean up messes. And that's no way to exist in the world, regardless of you caping for them in the comments with "if you want to live in a house where anything is complete, that's a you problem! Do literally every single thing yourself! Freeloading is logical!"

I can only speak for myself, but my routine in the morning is to put away the dishes from the dishwasher that are fully dry, and put the dishes that are NOT fully dry (and there are always some of these) on the dish rack on the counter. I will put them away later, when they’re dry. I feel no desire to towel dry them, and if my husband (who did not empty the dishwasher) has an issue with them being out for a few hours, he knows where the towels are and where the cabinets are. Otherwise, yeah, I’ll get to them when I get to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try FairPlay cards.

Men need to be called out that they are acting like babies and can, just like they do at work, take on adult responsibilities.

NP here who tried FairPlay. DH wouldn't read the book and ignored the cards, and announced that it was a waste of his time because everything was going ok already.

So he doesn't care if you are unhappy with how everything is going?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try really hard to give my DH partial credit.

He’s never ever going to turn into the partner I thought he was going to be, and I’ve tried really hard to let it go.

This is what I do too. It’s impossible to compel another adult to do things, and when I point out the work that didn’t get done, somehow I’m the shrew. I got tired of being considered “the problem”.

this is me too. when I bite my tongue because I see items from the dishwasher "still drying" I remind myself of the things he does around the house that I hate doing, or other ways he takes care of me. I'm not perfect either and I feel it's better in the long run to let some things slide

OMG. How did you respond to that?
Why is “still drying” in quotes? Do you insist that dishes must be put away immediately? If yes, that’s definitely a “you” problem, and I’d tell you to do it yourself if it matters to you that much.

LOL. My DH believes deep in his heart that dishes need 3-5 days to air dry and clothing 2-3 weeks. He would die, eat off the floor, or go naked before he cleared an entire dishrack or drying rack. I brought this up last week and pointed to the dishtowel next to the dishrack when he complained that he had to stop doing dishes because the rack was full. I said "You know, you can dry the dishes with this towel. It's what it's for." He said "but then I have to put everything away and it all goes in different places."