Fiancé wants a church wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think we have to get a special pass or something from a higher up and lie and say I’m catholic and will raise our kids catholic. It seems like a huge task for nothing.

You have no idea what you're talking about. A special pass? From who, the Pope? And lying? None of this is necessary. You sound completely ignorant. Talk to your husband and his family and find out the real deal.

As discussed above, the “special pass” is a “dispensation,” issued by the bishop, to waive an otherwise applicable procedural requirement. But they’re not automatic or available to cover every possible issue.

Why would this couple need a "special pass" when people do this all the time? No lying required.

Do “what” all the time?

Dispensations are regularly issued for disparity of cult (Catholic and other Christian or non-Christian); as to place (not in one of the parties’ parish churches); and even as to minister (ceremony led by a Protestant minister but with a priest witnessing the vows).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Know lots of people who wanted to get married in the Catholic Church. It will not be particularly easy if neither of you regularly attends. He will need to be a member of the church. You will need to take classes. And, if you want to get married in a church that is not the one he attends, you will need special permission. Unless his parents have a family priest that might make an exception somehow.

Just find a not well attended church that needs the $$$. Pretty simple. BTDT

Nonsense. That isn’t how it works. The level of money it takes to run a Catholic parish is such that if one was in poor enough condition that the pastor might even dream of accepting a bribe, the briber would need Rockefeller money.

And they’re not independent. Don’t things were that bad financially the bishop would either front the money or close the place and transfer the priest.

I did this in 2018. Please use your noggin. A church that is well attended will not be able to accommodate a wedding versus a non-well attended church.

You “did” what in 2018? Bribed a priest to simulate an invalid wedding?

The largest, best attended parishes manage to accommodate the matrimony of all their parishioners, as they are canonically obligated to do. A wedding takes what, 2 hours. They can do three or more a day if they have to.

Got married in a Catholic church in DC that I did not regularly attend to a non-Christian. That is what I did. Believe it or not they do give in on these things.

So, you got a dispensation as to cult, as to place and possibly as to form.

All in a day’s work for any Catholic pastor.

But that’s not what OP is positing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh Catholic wedding ceremonies are soooo long and boring. And almost always only offered at some weird time so that you have to have a gap between the ceremony and reception. My DH was raised catholic and isn’t religious, and I’m so glad he didn’t give into pressure to make that happen. We had our ceremony and reception at the same venue in an easy to get to location (metro/uber/parking) near DC with access to DCA. Guests told us how great our wedding was because once they arrived at the hotel they didn’t need a car. Even our rehearsal dinner and after party stuff was walkable.

If Catholicism were a big part of your lives then I get prioritizing that. But I can’t imagine giving up on the vibe of the wedding I wanted and inconveniencing all my guests just because my DH wanted to please mommy and daddy (are they paying for it or something)?

Your DH should be planning a wedding around your (as in you 2) preferences. In laws can come and put on a happy face or not.

They are only "long and boring" if they have a full mass, you don't have to have the mass. Obviously it was important to the couple who invited you to their ceremony to have a mass. So much disinformation on this thread. Do you also say that all the Bar Mitzvahs you've attended are "long and boring" or any other religious ceremony?

I’m not religious so I don’t really attend religious ceremonies including Bar Mitzvahs. I have Jewish friends but didn’t know them before age 13.

Obviously if a mass is important to my friends I sit through it and smile, and am happy to celebrate them. But it’s much longer than a normal ceremony and from talking to them I know that the hours offered are limited so the scheduling generally ends up less convenient than a wedding all at one venue.

If OP said that a Catholic wedding was important to her because her or her husband’s faith then that would 100% be reason to get married in a Catholic Church. But she is expressing disappointment at not having the all-in-1 venue experience and I’m agreeing with her that from a non-religious perspective that type of wedding is more fun. I wouldn’t give up on what I wanted and create a huge headache to for everyone in attendance for something I don’t even believe in or care about.

OP’s in laws are making a huge ask in dictating where and how this wedding takes place. It doesn’t bode well if her DH is already picking their side before the vows are said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is atheist raised Buddhist, so not even Christian. We had a Catholic Ceremony in a Catholic Church. He did not say he was Catholic or Christian, so no you do not need to lie.

You do have to take all the marriage prep classes that all other Catholics take and sign paperwork that says you will raise the kids Catholic, but no its not some drawn out process.

If you don't want to do it, don't do it. But its not a bunch of extra hoops, they have a process for this.

Similar situation here, and I found the marriage prep classes very beneficial.

It's not just a venue, OP.

You may not be compatible on this issue. What if he wants to have kids baptised, attend Catholic school, be confirmed? Could happen. Won't be about "practicalities" which is why your dismissing things on that basis doesn't really work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not religious and think it will be easier to get married at the same venue as our reception. Fiancé grew up catholic but isn’t a practicing catholic. His family and him think a church wedding is more appropriate, but I feel it’s weird to get married in a church when I’m not religious. I feel like it’s making a mockery of the religion. Should I give in because it’s not that important to me?

No I would have the wedding you want. They had their wedding now you have yours.

I guess OP can marry herself then b/c the title is "Fiance wants a church wedding" and last I checked a wedding is between two people. The two people involved here do not agree.

The title is not accurate because in a follow up post she says:

“OP here. He wants to appease his family and get married in a church like almost all of his family.”

So really the title should be “Fiancé wants a church wedding to appease his family even though his bride to be doesn’t want to get married in the church.”

They’re talking about lying to a priest that they intend to raise their kids Catholic. I share OP’s concerns that the vibes are off on getting married under false pretenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh Catholic wedding ceremonies are soooo long and boring. And almost always only offered at some weird time so that you have to have a gap between the ceremony and reception. My DH was raised catholic and isn’t religious, and I’m so glad he didn’t give into pressure to make that happen. We had our ceremony and reception at the same venue in an easy to get to location (metro/uber/parking) near DC with access to DCA. Guests told us how great our wedding was because once they arrived at the hotel they didn’t need a car. Even our rehearsal dinner and after party stuff was walkable.

If Catholicism were a big part of your lives then I get prioritizing that. But I can’t imagine giving up on the vibe of the wedding I wanted and inconveniencing all my guests just because my DH wanted to please mommy and daddy (are they paying for it or something)?

Your DH should be planning a wedding around your (as in you 2) preferences. In laws can come and put on a happy face or not.

They are only "long and boring" if they have a full mass, you don't have to have the mass. Obviously it was important to the couple who invited you to their ceremony to have a mass. So much disinformation on this thread. Do you also say that all the Bar Mitzvahs you've attended are "long and boring" or any other religious ceremony?

I’m not religious so I don’t really attend religious ceremonies including Bar Mitzvahs. I have Jewish friends but didn’t know them before age 13.

Obviously if a mass is important to my friends I sit through it and smile, and am happy to celebrate them. But it’s much longer than a normal ceremony and from talking to them I know that the hours offered are limited so the scheduling generally ends up less convenient than a wedding all at one venue.

If OP said that a Catholic wedding was important to her because her or her husband’s faith then that would 100% be reason to get married in a Catholic Church. But she is expressing disappointment at not having the all-in-1 venue experience and I’m agreeing with her that from a non-religious perspective that type of wedding is more fun. I wouldn’t give up on what I wanted and create a huge headache to for everyone in attendance for something I don’t even believe in or care about.

OP’s in laws are making a huge ask in dictating where and how this wedding takes place. It doesn’t bode well if her DH is already picking their side before the vows are said.

Why are you blaming it all on the in-laws? Sounds like OPs fiancé has an opinion too. They are getting off on the wrong foot here.

[Anonymous]

Only one person had to be catholic. I’m catholic and my husband is not and we got married at church and our kids are baptized and had first communion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not religious and think it will be easier to get married at the same venue as our reception. Fiancé grew up catholic but isn’t a practicing catholic. His family and him think a church wedding is more appropriate, but I feel it’s weird to get married in a church when I’m not religious. I feel like it’s making a mockery of the religion. Should I give in because it’s not that important to me?

No I would have the wedding you want. They had their wedding now you have yours.

I guess OP can marry herself then b/c the title is "Fiance wants a church wedding" and last I checked a wedding is between two people. The two people involved here do not agree.

I think the proper title is “Fiancé’s family wants us to have a church wedding”. This isn’t uncommon at all, especially with society becoming less and less religious. I don’t envy the pressure that the fiance is under from his family and I’m sure he is just trying to find the road that disappoints the fewest people. So, he’s hoping OP will just go along with a church wedding to make things easier. However, it is harder in a Catholic Church to do that, which is why OP mentioned non-denominational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is atheist raised Buddhist, so not even Christian. We had a Catholic Ceremony in a Catholic Church. He did not say he was Catholic or Christian, so no you do not need to lie.

You do have to take all the marriage prep classes that all other Catholics take and sign paperwork that says you will raise the kids Catholic, but no its not some drawn out process.

If you don't want to do it, don't do it. But its not a bunch of extra hoops, they have a process for this.

Similar situation here, and I found the marriage prep classes very beneficial.

It's not just a venue, OP.

You may not be compatible on this issue. What if he wants to have kids baptised, attend Catholic school, be confirmed? Could happen. Won't be about "practicalities" which is why your dismissing things on that basis doesn't really work.

So did you guys raise your kids catholic… or did you lie?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a Protestant married to a devout Catholic. This would, in fact, be making a mockery of the Church.

We married in a Catholic Church. I agreed to raise my children Catholic and I have. I went to a pre-Cana weekend. I do not agree with some of the church’s teachings and will never become Catholic myself, but I respect and value my spouse’s beliefs.

Your marriage vows are sacred. Do not lie before God and everyone you love. Lies are not the foundation you want to build your marriage on.

[Anonymous]

I'm not Catholic but I can't imagine lying about being Catholic to get someone from the religion to perform my wedding ceremony and let me marry in their church, how does that feel right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh Catholic wedding ceremonies are soooo long and boring. And almost always only offered at some weird time so that you have to have a gap between the ceremony and reception. My DH was raised catholic and isn’t religious, and I’m so glad he didn’t give into pressure to make that happen. We had our ceremony and reception at the same venue in an easy to get to location (metro/uber/parking) near DC with access to DCA. Guests told us how great our wedding was because once they arrived at the hotel they didn’t need a car. Even our rehearsal dinner and after party stuff was walkable.

If Catholicism were a big part of your lives then I get prioritizing that. But I can’t imagine giving up on the vibe of the wedding I wanted and inconveniencing all my guests just because my DH wanted to please mommy and daddy (are they paying for it or something)?

Your DH should be planning a wedding around your (as in you 2) preferences. In laws can come and put on a happy face or not.

They are only "long and boring" if they have a full mass, you don't have to have the mass. Obviously it was important to the couple who invited you to their ceremony to have a mass. So much disinformation on this thread. Do you also say that all the Bar Mitzvahs you've attended are "long and boring" or any other religious ceremony?

I’m not religious so I don’t really attend religious ceremonies including Bar Mitzvahs. I have Jewish friends but didn’t know them before age 13.

Obviously if a mass is important to my friends I sit through it and smile, and am happy to celebrate them. But it’s much longer than a normal ceremony and from talking to them I know that the hours offered are limited so the scheduling generally ends up less convenient than a wedding all at one venue.

If OP said that a Catholic wedding was important to her because her or her husband’s faith then that would 100% be reason to get married in a Catholic Church. But she is expressing disappointment at not having the all-in-1 venue experience and I’m agreeing with her that from a non-religious perspective that type of wedding is more fun. I wouldn’t give up on what I wanted and create a huge headache to for everyone in attendance for something I don’t even believe in or care about.

OP’s in laws are making a huge ask in dictating where and how this wedding takes place. It doesn’t bode well if her DH is already picking their side before the vows are said.

Why are you blaming it all on the in-laws? Sounds like OPs fiancé has an opinion too. They are getting off on the wrong foot here.

I’m not blaming it all on the in laws. I also pointed out that DH is picking his parents over her, which is never a good sign. The only reason OP has cited for her DH wanting a Catholic wedding is to “appease” his family.

I agree they’re getting off on the wrong foot. Because either DH is a pushover who is going to try to make his parents happy over his wife. Or he isn’t being honest with her about why a church wedding is important (does he have nostalgia for his religious upbringing that will creep out once they have kids and he decides he wants them baptized or whatnot).

I would not get married without figuring this out because they are not on the same page at all. The two of them should be figuring this out without decisions being made to please his parents.

[Anonymous]

Yes Op, you should give in because it's not that important to you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not religious and think it will be easier to get married at the same venue as our reception. Fiancé grew up catholic but isn’t a practicing catholic. His family and him think a church wedding is more appropriate, but I feel it’s weird to get married in a church when I’m not religious. I feel like it’s making a mockery of the religion. Should I give in because it’s not that important to me?

No I would have the wedding you want. They had their wedding now you have yours.

I guess OP can marry herself then b/c the title is "Fiance wants a church wedding" and last I checked a wedding is between two people. The two people involved here do not agree.

The title is not accurate because in a follow up post she says:

“OP here. He wants to appease his family and get married in a church like almost all of his family.”

So really the title should be “Fiancé wants a church wedding to appease his family even though his bride to be doesn’t want to get married in the church.”

They’re talking about lying to a priest that they intend to raise their kids Catholic. I share OP’s concerns that the vibes are off on getting married under false pretenses.

So, the fiancé wants a Catholic wedding for reason: x,y, z. Same difference. They are not on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes Op, you should give in because it's not that important to you

It’s her wedding. Of course it’s important to her. She doesn’t like the idea of separate venues and wants to get married at the venue they have booked. She doesn’t want to lie to a priest about how she will raise her kids. She wouldn’t have posted here if this issue wasn’t important to her.

There is no reason religion should be considered more important than the desire to have a non-religious wedding.