Divorced dads with kids under 18 shouldn't date women without kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced moms with kids under 18 should not date men without kids.

Discuss.

Nonsense. I only date men without kids. I am not accomodating other kids' schedules. I am not remarrying...and if on the off chance I did, it would be a younger man who does not want kids. I would never do a "blended family." I got divorced not to be married to that one person. I did not do it thinking I was going to have a do-over.

Dating a man with kids would be the worst thing for everyone. Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just an anecdote but I saw this go down with a family friend. He divorced his “horrible” wife then took up with a much younger woman who did not want kids. He thought his kid would adore her, too. Well, his kid, now an adult, doesn’t talk to him. it came down to his kid or the younger hot wife and he chose the younger hot wife. His own family of origin doesn’t like what happened and now he’s estranged from them, too. So he lost quite a lot for the young hot wife who did not want kids.

I think when anyone dates a divorced parent they need to really do some soul searching and consider what they’re walking into. And the parent, if they care about the other relationships in their life, needs to accept nit everyone will love their new spouse as much as they do.

I think many adult men are very naive about relationships. Both romantic relationships and parent-child relationships. I think one reason you often see adult men making choices that damage their relationships (with their own kids, with their ex/co-parent, with girlfriends, etc.) is because they often just have not been socialized to think empathetically about how their choices are going to feel to the other party. Women tend to be much savvier about this.

I watched this with my brother and his divorce. His ex (my former SIL) just better understood how the divorce, and any subsequent relationships by either party, was going to impact their kids and their co-parenting situation. She was a lot more cautious about dating, really good about communication, intuitively understood how to navigate certain boundaries. My brother, while being well-intentioned, did not. He kept doing boneheaded things that any woman would have been able to tell him were not smart, creating drama, and then having to resolve it. Like he would introduce his young kids to pretty much any woman he dated immediately. He got into a relationship with a woman who also had a kid and then when she suggested the kids start referring to each other as "brother and sisters," he was like "okay sounds good" even though this relationship was months old, the divorce was only a year old, and he hadn't discussed any of this with his ex. When his ex found out through the kids (never a good way to share this kind of info), she was actually very mature about it and set up a time to talk to him and ask for some ground rules regarding introducing kids to SigOs and other boundaries (she was also dating but much more cautiously and only when my brother had the kids). My brother immediately was like "oh yeah, that makes sense, sorry" but then when he relayed this to his girlfriend, SHE flipped out about feeling like she was being told what to do by his ex. In the midst of all of this, the kids were all very confused and jerked around.

It was exhausting to watch and be supportive of him through this because so much of it was totally avoidable by just *thinking* before acting. Like take your new relationship a little slower. Talk to your co-parent about anything major that will impact the kids (including pretending your GF's child is their new sibling). Learn to explain things to various parties without blaming any issues on someone who isn't there (blaming his GF when talking to his ex, then blaming the ex when talking to his GF). Make decisions about the kids before telling the kids about the decision. Etc.

I sense a lot of men are like this and that's why there are often a lot more issues with divorced dads dating than divorced moms dating. I just think the moms tend to be thinking ahead a bit more and using social skills to ease these awkward situations, and the dads... not so much.

Moms generally don't want to have more kids, so they're more invested in their existing family structure with their ex. Men are more open to starting over. Their biological clock is longer and they generally do less of the parenting work anyway. Typically women are not tolerant of playing a secondary role to a first family. Most women would never marry a man with kids in the first place. The ones who do are naive and have unreasonable expectations. They either earn through experience and become miserable and leave, or their husbands decide they do not want to live with a miserable wife/life, nor do they want to go through the shame, financial hit, and logistical challenges of a second divorce, so they end up prioritizing their second wife/family.

In other words divorced moms tend to put their kids first while divorced men tend to put themselves first

Moms tend to put their kids first, while dads tend to put themselves first. Not always, but more often than not, it will be magnified in a divorce.

A lot of moms I know don’t put the kids first. They pretend to but don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure I 100% agree with everything in the OP, but I will admit that I really was not aware of how incredibly challenging these relationships were until I watched my brother dating post-divorce (two tweens at the time) and also watched another divorced friend with two kids under 10 marry, and then divorce, within an unbelievably volatile 5 year period.

Obviously just anecdotal, but I really had no appreciated who complicated this can be. In my brother's case, he wound up with a woman who actually has a kid, but her kid is much younger than his, and her divorce was also very messy while his was extremely civil, and the situation has just involved a ton of stress and disruption. I'm an outsider and just trying to be supportive, and I think everyone involved is well meaning and doing their best, but I also have thought on many occasions that it would really be best if they didn't do this, and I still worry about the impact of some of this mess on my nephews and even on her young child.

With my friend it was even worse, things fell apart with his second wife and as they did, she started taking her anger and frustration regarding the marriage out on his kids. It was horrifying. Everyone was extremely upset for a long time. Eventually the divorce finalized and everyone was able to move on, but it is very sad to me that his kids went through that (being called names, constantly yelled at an criticized by their stepmother, for instance) after ALSO going through their parents' divorce.

I don't think I was in danger of divorce before witnessing these situations, but wow did they make me more invested than ever in working on my marriage to keep it healthy and doing whatever I can to create a stable, safe family life for our kids. I don't think any of the people involved in these situations intended to harm the kids involved, or is a fundamentally bad person (not even my friend's no ex, though I do NOT think she should have married my friend). But divorce with minor kids is really hard and people really need to think hard before they dive into relationships with new people.

So I think OP has a point. I'm sure it can work, but if it goes wrong, the potential harm is really big. People should definitely think about that.

Sobering stories. I’m close to divorcing and I am under NO illusions that I am in any way fit to remarry- I’m just not good at relationships at all! I can’t fathom remarrying while my DC lives at home (he’s 12). No thanks. I already f’ed up one homelife for my kid, not going to repeat that.

My STBX however will almost surely remarry, possibly quickly. He’s in his mid-50s so I’m hoping that no woman under 40 will be interested, so their won’t be a second family. I also don’t think he’d tolerate a woman who was mean to our (admittedly challenging) kid, but who knows.

If I ever divorce I will try to get no cohabitating with another adult until the kids are out of the house into the agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure I 100% agree with everything in the OP, but I will admit that I really was not aware of how incredibly challenging these relationships were until I watched my brother dating post-divorce (two tweens at the time) and also watched another divorced friend with two kids under 10 marry, and then divorce, within an unbelievably volatile 5 year period.

Obviously just anecdotal, but I really had no appreciated who complicated this can be. In my brother's case, he wound up with a woman who actually has a kid, but her kid is much younger than his, and her divorce was also very messy while his was extremely civil, and the situation has just involved a ton of stress and disruption. I'm an outsider and just trying to be supportive, and I think everyone involved is well meaning and doing their best, but I also have thought on many occasions that it would really be best if they didn't do this, and I still worry about the impact of some of this mess on my nephews and even on her young child.

With my friend it was even worse, things fell apart with his second wife and as they did, she started taking her anger and frustration regarding the marriage out on his kids. It was horrifying. Everyone was extremely upset for a long time. Eventually the divorce finalized and everyone was able to move on, but it is very sad to me that his kids went through that (being called names, constantly yelled at an criticized by their stepmother, for instance) after ALSO going through their parents' divorce.

I don't think I was in danger of divorce before witnessing these situations, but wow did they make me more invested than ever in working on my marriage to keep it healthy and doing whatever I can to create a stable, safe family life for our kids. I don't think any of the people involved in these situations intended to harm the kids involved, or is a fundamentally bad person (not even my friend's no ex, though I do NOT think she should have married my friend). But divorce with minor kids is really hard and people really need to think hard before they dive into relationships with new people.

So I think OP has a point. I'm sure it can work, but if it goes wrong, the potential harm is really big. People should definitely think about that.

Sobering stories. I’m close to divorcing and I am under NO illusions that I am in any way fit to remarry- I’m just not good at relationships at all! I can’t fathom remarrying while my DC lives at home (he’s 12). No thanks. I already f’ed up one homelife for my kid, not going to repeat that.

My STBX however will almost surely remarry, possibly quickly. He’s in his mid-50s so I’m hoping that no woman under 40 will be interested, so their won’t be a second family. I also don’t think he’d tolerate a woman who was mean to our (admittedly challenging) kid, but who knows.

If I ever divorce I will try to get no cohabitating with another adult until the kids are out of the house into the agreement.

Rolling my eyes. That's not enforceable.

God, so many divorced women feel entitled to control the man they divorced post divorce. He's not your husband. You don't get to boss him around anymore. On his custody time, he gets to do what he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure I 100% agree with everything in the OP, but I will admit that I really was not aware of how incredibly challenging these relationships were until I watched my brother dating post-divorce (two tweens at the time) and also watched another divorced friend with two kids under 10 marry, and then divorce, within an unbelievably volatile 5 year period.

Obviously just anecdotal, but I really had no appreciated who complicated this can be. In my brother's case, he wound up with a woman who actually has a kid, but her kid is much younger than his, and her divorce was also very messy while his was extremely civil, and the situation has just involved a ton of stress and disruption. I'm an outsider and just trying to be supportive, and I think everyone involved is well meaning and doing their best, but I also have thought on many occasions that it would really be best if they didn't do this, and I still worry about the impact of some of this mess on my nephews and even on her young child.

With my friend it was even worse, things fell apart with his second wife and as they did, she started taking her anger and frustration regarding the marriage out on his kids. It was horrifying. Everyone was extremely upset for a long time. Eventually the divorce finalized and everyone was able to move on, but it is very sad to me that his kids went through that (being called names, constantly yelled at an criticized by their stepmother, for instance) after ALSO going through their parents' divorce.

I don't think I was in danger of divorce before witnessing these situations, but wow did they make me more invested than ever in working on my marriage to keep it healthy and doing whatever I can to create a stable, safe family life for our kids. I don't think any of the people involved in these situations intended to harm the kids involved, or is a fundamentally bad person (not even my friend's no ex, though I do NOT think she should have married my friend). But divorce with minor kids is really hard and people really need to think hard before they dive into relationships with new people.

So I think OP has a point. I'm sure it can work, but if it goes wrong, the potential harm is really big. People should definitely think about that.

Sobering stories. I’m close to divorcing and I am under NO illusions that I am in any way fit to remarry- I’m just not good at relationships at all! I can’t fathom remarrying while my DC lives at home (he’s 12). No thanks. I already f’ed up one homelife for my kid, not going to repeat that.

My STBX however will almost surely remarry, possibly quickly. He’s in his mid-50s so I’m hoping that no woman under 40 will be interested, so their won’t be a second family. I also don’t think he’d tolerate a woman who was mean to our (admittedly challenging) kid, but who knows.

If I ever divorce I will try to get no cohabitating with another adult until the kids are out of the house into the agreement.

Rolling my eyes. That's not enforceable.

God, so many divorced women feel entitled to control the man they divorced post divorce. He's not your husband. You don't get to boss him around anymore. On his custody time, he gets to do what he wants.

Not divorced. But this is what putting the kids first would look like. I would obviously agree to it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure I 100% agree with everything in the OP, but I will admit that I really was not aware of how incredibly challenging these relationships were until I watched my brother dating post-divorce (two tweens at the time) and also watched another divorced friend with two kids under 10 marry, and then divorce, within an unbelievably volatile 5 year period.

Obviously just anecdotal, but I really had no appreciated who complicated this can be. In my brother's case, he wound up with a woman who actually has a kid, but her kid is much younger than his, and her divorce was also very messy while his was extremely civil, and the situation has just involved a ton of stress and disruption. I'm an outsider and just trying to be supportive, and I think everyone involved is well meaning and doing their best, but I also have thought on many occasions that it would really be best if they didn't do this, and I still worry about the impact of some of this mess on my nephews and even on her young child.

With my friend it was even worse, things fell apart with his second wife and as they did, she started taking her anger and frustration regarding the marriage out on his kids. It was horrifying. Everyone was extremely upset for a long time. Eventually the divorce finalized and everyone was able to move on, but it is very sad to me that his kids went through that (being called names, constantly yelled at an criticized by their stepmother, for instance) after ALSO going through their parents' divorce.

I don't think I was in danger of divorce before witnessing these situations, but wow did they make me more invested than ever in working on my marriage to keep it healthy and doing whatever I can to create a stable, safe family life for our kids. I don't think any of the people involved in these situations intended to harm the kids involved, or is a fundamentally bad person (not even my friend's no ex, though I do NOT think she should have married my friend). But divorce with minor kids is really hard and people really need to think hard before they dive into relationships with new people.

So I think OP has a point. I'm sure it can work, but if it goes wrong, the potential harm is really big. People should definitely think about that.

Sobering stories. I’m close to divorcing and I am under NO illusions that I am in any way fit to remarry- I’m just not good at relationships at all! I can’t fathom remarrying while my DC lives at home (he’s 12). No thanks. I already f’ed up one homelife for my kid, not going to repeat that.

My STBX however will almost surely remarry, possibly quickly. He’s in his mid-50s so I’m hoping that no woman under 40 will be interested, so their won’t be a second family. I also don’t think he’d tolerate a woman who was mean to our (admittedly challenging) kid, but who knows.

If I ever divorce I will try to get no cohabitating with another adult until the kids are out of the house into the agreement.

Rolling my eyes. That's not enforceable.

God, so many divorced women feel entitled to control the man they divorced post divorce. He's not your husband. You don't get to boss him around anymore. On his custody time, he gets to do what he wants.

Not divorced. But this is what putting the kids first would look like. I would obviously agree to it too.

Of course YOU would. You're the woman. You couldn't make HIM abide by it. It doesn't matter even if you both agree to it in the agreement. It's not enforceable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a man who cheated on his wife (who was pregnant with their second child/later had a newborn) with a woman from his gym. He got the gym woman pregnant and then left his wife for her. His second child with his wife is less than a year older than his love child. The female AP from the gym (who go pregnant) was also married but her kids were late elementary
middle school aged.

They are still together and holding themselves out as a normal blended family in our neighborhood, but I can never respect what they did to their original spouses and children.

Wow. Some people are really insane. How do you even meet women at the gym to the point of knowing them well enough to get them pregnant. Maybe she is even worse than him. Crazy

He was standing behind her on the elliptical, showing her how it works. Then BOOM: baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced moms with kids under 18 should not date men without kids.

Discuss.

Nonsense. I only date men without kids. I am not accomodating other kids' schedules. I am not remarrying...and if on the off chance I did, it would be a younger man who does not want kids. I would never do a "blended family." I got divorced not to be married to that one person. I did not do it thinking I was going to have a do-over.

Dating a man with kids would be the worst thing for everyone. Absolutely not.

Blended families are highly overrated. In the vast majority of cases, kids from both sides have some degree of unresolved issues stemming from divorce or death of a parent, and it is the RARE family that does a good job of addressing those. There's this imagined ideal of a blended family coming together because the families mesh and it makes sense. The reality is that these arrangements are forced on kids by the adults who want to marry or cohabitate with a new partner, it's an inherently self-interested choice that people try to convince their kids is not that bad or even a positive. In reality, those kids would almost always benefit from that parent focusing on them for, at a minimum, several years post-divorce.

The one exception is sadly when a parent is completely inept and benefits from the new relationship by bringing a functional parent into the household who will actually parent or provide a good parenting role model. But this is rare -- usually like attracts like and if one parent is a mess, so is the other, and the issues are just compounded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's partly that they aren't good at figuring out how others will be affected, and that they don't care, but also whether they know it or not, being divorced with kids and being older significantly diminishes their value on the dating market. So in order to have a relationship with someone they consider suitable, they have to make some sacrifices. Whether that's ignoring their kids in favor of a DINK lifestyle, letting the new wife be strict enough that the kids avoid her, agreeing to more kids that he doesn't really want, whatever it is, he's going to make tradeoffs to keep the second marriage intact. And that's going to negatively affect the first set of kids because very few men can successfully juggle this kind of situation. There just aren't enough hours in the day for most people to do it.

I think it's incorrect to say men don't want more kids if they're able to land hot young women. Generally, they are attracted to a much younger woman in part because she represents a do-over. Also, men with considerable means can still date younger women, even ones with good careers. I'd define considerable as over $1m in income per year. Their selling point is they are established, housebroken, and happy to settle and have a second family if the right situation presents itself. That said, the struggles are real. Theyllbe pulled in seperwte directions and won't have enough time to make everyone happy.

[Anonymous]

I don't have kids, but my dad was a single dad (widow).

So really OP, "never" is a strong word. You think I have no idea what my dad dealt with as a single dad?

[Anonymous]

I’m a single dad and date younger women without kids. I prefer that. They have more open schedules, no BD drama, no ex popping back up in their lives. They make you a priority too. If you’re dating a single mom you’re after her kid, her dog, her ex-husband, her house etc…you’ll never be close to being priority for time.

Younger women have their own set of issues but it far outweighs single moms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure I 100% agree with everything in the OP, but I will admit that I really was not aware of how incredibly challenging these relationships were until I watched my brother dating post-divorce (two tweens at the time) and also watched another divorced friend with two kids under 10 marry, and then divorce, within an unbelievably volatile 5 year period.

Obviously just anecdotal, but I really had no appreciated who complicated this can be. In my brother's case, he wound up with a woman who actually has a kid, but her kid is much younger than his, and her divorce was also very messy while his was extremely civil, and the situation has just involved a ton of stress and disruption. I'm an outsider and just trying to be supportive, and I think everyone involved is well meaning and doing their best, but I also have thought on many occasions that it would really be best if they didn't do this, and I still worry about the impact of some of this mess on my nephews and even on her young child.

With my friend it was even worse, things fell apart with his second wife and as they did, she started taking her anger and frustration regarding the marriage out on his kids. It was horrifying. Everyone was extremely upset for a long time. Eventually the divorce finalized and everyone was able to move on, but it is very sad to me that his kids went through that (being called names, constantly yelled at an criticized by their stepmother, for instance) after ALSO going through their parents' divorce.

I don't think I was in danger of divorce before witnessing these situations, but wow did they make me more invested than ever in working on my marriage to keep it healthy and doing whatever I can to create a stable, safe family life for our kids. I don't think any of the people involved in these situations intended to harm the kids involved, or is a fundamentally bad person (not even my friend's no ex, though I do NOT think she should have married my friend). But divorce with minor kids is really hard and people really need to think hard before they dive into relationships with new people.

So I think OP has a point. I'm sure it can work, but if it goes wrong, the potential harm is really big. People should definitely think about that.

Sobering stories. I’m close to divorcing and I am under NO illusions that I am in any way fit to remarry- I’m just not good at relationships at all! I can’t fathom remarrying while my DC lives at home (he’s 12). No thanks. I already f’ed up one homelife for my kid, not going to repeat that.

My STBX however will almost surely remarry, possibly quickly. He’s in his mid-50s so I’m hoping that no woman under 40 will be interested, so their won’t be a second family. I also don’t think he’d tolerate a woman who was mean to our (admittedly challenging) kid, but who knows.

If I ever divorce I will try to get no cohabitating with another adult until the kids are out of the house into the agreement.

Rolling my eyes. That's not enforceable.

God, so many divorced women feel entitled to control the man they divorced post divorce. He's not your husband. You don't get to boss him around anymore. On his custody time, he gets to do what he wants.

+1 that is not enforceable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced moms with kids under 18 should not date men without kids.

Discuss.

Nonsense. I only date men without kids. I am not accomodating other kids' schedules. I am not remarrying...and if on the off chance I did, it would be a younger man who does not want kids. I would never do a "blended family." I got divorced not to be married to that one person. I did not do it thinking I was going to have a do-over.

Dating a man with kids would be the worst thing for everyone. Absolutely not.

Blended families are highly overrated. In the vast majority of cases, kids from both sides have some degree of unresolved issues stemming from divorce or death of a parent, and it is the RARE family that does a good job of addressing those. There's this imagined ideal of a blended family coming together because the families mesh and it makes sense. The reality is that these arrangements are forced on kids by the adults who want to marry or cohabitate with a new partner, it's an inherently self-interested choice that people try to convince their kids is not that bad or even a positive. In reality, those kids would almost always benefit from that parent focusing on them for, at a minimum, several years post-divorce.

The one exception is sadly when a parent is completely inept and benefits from the new relationship by bringing a functional parent into the household who will actually parent or provide a good parenting role model. But this is rare -- usually like attracts like and if one parent is a mess, so is the other, and the issues are just compounded.

I said I would never do a blended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure I 100% agree with everything in the OP, but I will admit that I really was not aware of how incredibly challenging these relationships were until I watched my brother dating post-divorce (two tweens at the time) and also watched another divorced friend with two kids under 10 marry, and then divorce, within an unbelievably volatile 5 year period.

Obviously just anecdotal, but I really had no appreciated who complicated this can be. In my brother's case, he wound up with a woman who actually has a kid, but her kid is much younger than his, and her divorce was also very messy while his was extremely civil, and the situation has just involved a ton of stress and disruption. I'm an outsider and just trying to be supportive, and I think everyone involved is well meaning and doing their best, but I also have thought on many occasions that it would really be best if they didn't do this, and I still worry about the impact of some of this mess on my nephews and even on her young child.

With my friend it was even worse, things fell apart with his second wife and as they did, she started taking her anger and frustration regarding the marriage out on his kids. It was horrifying. Everyone was extremely upset for a long time. Eventually the divorce finalized and everyone was able to move on, but it is very sad to me that his kids went through that (being called names, constantly yelled at an criticized by their stepmother, for instance) after ALSO going through their parents' divorce.

I don't think I was in danger of divorce before witnessing these situations, but wow did they make me more invested than ever in working on my marriage to keep it healthy and doing whatever I can to create a stable, safe family life for our kids. I don't think any of the people involved in these situations intended to harm the kids involved, or is a fundamentally bad person (not even my friend's no ex, though I do NOT think she should have married my friend). But divorce with minor kids is really hard and people really need to think hard before they dive into relationships with new people.

So I think OP has a point. I'm sure it can work, but if it goes wrong, the potential harm is really big. People should definitely think about that.

Sobering stories. I’m close to divorcing and I am under NO illusions that I am in any way fit to remarry- I’m just not good at relationships at all! I can’t fathom remarrying while my DC lives at home (he’s 12). No thanks. I already f’ed up one homelife for my kid, not going to repeat that.

My STBX however will almost surely remarry, possibly quickly. He’s in his mid-50s so I’m hoping that no woman under 40 will be interested, so their won’t be a second family. I also don’t think he’d tolerate a woman who was mean to our (admittedly challenging) kid, but who knows.

If I ever divorce I will try to get no cohabitating with another adult until the kids are out of the house into the agreement.

Rolling my eyes. That's not enforceable.

God, so many divorced women feel entitled to control the man they divorced post divorce. He's not your husband. You don't get to boss him around anymore. On his custody time, he gets to do what he wants.

Not divorced. But this is what putting the kids first would look like. I would obviously agree to it too.

Then you agree to it outside a legal document knowing it can change. It is not enforceable in agreement. We have this verbal agreement…it has been years. Unlikely to change but I know it could.