Daughter married a doctor, he’s pressuring her to pay off his student debt

[Anonymous]

This is totally case dependent and we don’t know enough about the couple to give a valid answer.

[Anonymous]

I paid off my husbands debt from law school. Most of the money I used had been gifted to me by my parents / grandparents.

Ten years later I decided to SAH with our kids for a few years. Not once has it been “his” v “my” money, and the fact that I readily paid off his debt the moment we were married it reminds me that we’ve always been a financial unit.

[Anonymous]

I will caution that I used to have an old friend who married a man, got him to pay for her law school and support their lifestyle while she attended law school full time, and then left him for another man literally the week after the school loans were paid off.

We aren’t friends anymore, either.

[Anonymous]

My concern would be she pays off a six figure debt and then he gets an inheritance a few years later and doesn’t want to commingle it with marital assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband paid off my high 5 figure law school debt while we were still engaged. Now 10 years later I make 500k, and we didn’t waste money on interest. It’s a no brainer jnless you aren’t confident in the relationship

This doctor likely has a lot more than 5 figures of debt. Probably closer to $300-400K.

I had about $160K in loans when I got married. I paid my bill every month and did not ask my wife to contribute to them. We largely keep separate finances, but both contributed same amount to our shared expenses (house downpayment, monthly mortgage, childcare, monthly credit card bill, etc). I was also working toward PSLF forgiveness toward my loans, so it didn't make sense to ask my wife to help pay them down quicker. I just paid the bare minimum payment in order to maximize loan forgiveness ($160K in principal and interest).

One compromise is that your wife helps him with the monthly payment, but does not throw any of her accumulated savings at the loans. This ensures she retains her premarital assets. If they do not yet own a home, I'd suggest that she retain her savings for a home down payment. They can agree to a post-nup that her savings contributed toward the house downpayment is paid out first to her only if they decide to ever divorce.

Good luck. This is such a tricky issue.

[Anonymous]

Does he want a portion of their total HHI to go to his debts?

- sure - provided they have similar “fun” money and she’s putting money into her retirement accounts.

Does he want her to take on his debt payments with her salary since she’s making significantly more?

-maybe - what else would she be doing with that money? Assuming she’s maxing out her pre-tax retirement savings and this is just “extra” cash - more towards yes. But if means she’s not saving for retirement- no.

Does he want her to use some of her pre-marital net worth to pay of his loans?

Probably not - unless she had a significant amount that was sitting in an account with a lower rate of return than his loan AND there was an iron clad post-nup.

Really in all the cases a post-nup that agreed a split in marital assets would be in her favor as a percentage with a cap that could be prorated so it accounts for how paying it off now will help the HHI, but only in the long run.

[Anonymous]

I married the doctor. He had no debt and I had around 100k. He paid for all living expenses and all I did was pay off my debt when we first got married. Now I’m a sahm and all finances are joint.

Your dd is paying whether it comes from her paycheck or not. Maybe she can pay for the mortgage or rent while he pays down his school loans. Could you and she stomach that better?

[Anonymous]

Still not clear to me after reading everything what it means that he's pressuring her to pay off his debt.

If it's using her income as part of household income to pay off the debt, then it seems like no big deal in a normal marriage -- money is fungible, so even if its just "his" money paying the debt, that's less money he gives to the household/retirement/whatever. That said, unless the interest rate is high, I wouldn't necessarily rush to use joint money to pay it off early.

If he is asking her to use her separate property -- e.g., premarital assets or an inheritance -- to pay it off, I personally would hesitate. A PP explained how they did something similar and it has worked our for them and their relationship, and that's great. Obviously that's the idea and what everyone wants. But it is the kind of thing that could go sideways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I helped pay off DHs law school student loans and actually pushed us to pay them off faster because it helped our family unit. I’ve never resented that choice and thinking of us as a team has been great for our marriage. There were many years where I made more money, and now he’s a law firm partner and I’m benefiting from that by being able to make work a less demanding job and spend more time with our kids… and in the future the pendulum may swing back the other way. You’re either on the team or you’re not.

I completely agree, but only for a genuine "all in" team, not as a proof of love or gift or obligation. In this case it sounds like the dh is strong arming her and she has some reservations. I helped dh decades ago because I knew he would never take advantage and we were a team. If she has a doubt but wants to prove they are a team, then it's tricky. I like the simple postnup idea. Paying it off now is the smartest idea for a couple that will most likely stay together and comingle funds.

[Anonymous]

OP, is he asking her to pay off his debts using her pre marital assets? That is an absolute NO in my opinion?

Or is he asking her to pay off the debts at a higher rate now, using her income she is earning now, which is a marital asset? As opposed to just paying what he can afford from his salary while he contributes the same to household expenses etc?

I would not do either without a legal agreement in place confirming that if they get divorced, he owes her this money back with interest.

[Anonymous]

Yes, she should help kill the, as fast as possible. It’s her debt too. The longer it takes them both to pay it off the less time they will have for investing. He will eventually start making much more, but by throwing down much more now and not delaying the couple reduces the amount of interest paid.


He will just be forced to pay more later, which means diverting less towards something like a house or investments. That will affect them both too. It’s really a dumb argument because it is couples finances. There’s no such thing as his and her debt, his and her money. It’s all fungible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was debt before the marriage? She should let him take care of it himself.

In the meantime she should pay all the bills out of her income and let him focus on his debt? What's the difference? She's no better off.

They both pay their bills half-and-half, and he pays down his debt with whatever he has left.

[Anonymous]

My husband paid off his first wife's college undergrad and masters degree debt. Well, he was the main breadwinner, and they used marital assets that he mostly earned to pay them off. If he had not done that, they would have remained in her name, and she would still be in debt and he would have gotten more money from the divorce because those marital assets would be higher.

Basically if they stay married, who cares if "she" pays off the debt. If they get divorced, he gets his debt paid off, and then gets to go off and earn lots of money as a doctor that she does not benefit from. Even if she becomes a SAHM. That's the risk.

[Anonymous]

Op, are you questioning the general idea of her paying it off or does his specific character give you pause?

[Anonymous]

What field of medicine is he going into? He can likely pay it off quickly. Check out white coat investor.