New baby and my dad's in town...

[Anonymous]

My dad has come from out of state to "help" with our new baby, now 11 days old. The problem is for all his good intentions, he is very messy and can't/won't do much for himself. He's always been like that- only child, etc. I understand this and can sort of take it for what it is, but DH is extremely type A neat freak, creating tensions in the house that come in addition to those between me and my live-in MIL as we navigate new baby-dom.

I'm very close with my dad but feel bad laying down a bunch of rules for his visit, especially because he's very focused on helping. Any advice for navigating this family minefield?

[Anonymous]

Most babies sleep a tone for the very first few weeks so there isn't that much to be done. It's usually around week 5 or 6 that they wake up and then it's nice to have extra hands. Since you said he's not very neat, may be he can run errands for you like picking up take out or groceries? Since you have a live in MIL, you'll probably have extra help later for when you really need it.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say much to him unless you can make some good natured hints that MIL is a neat freak. He won't be visiting for long. Just enjoy his helpful spirit and point it out to DH so he doesn't take it for granted. He'd appreciate it more if his mom wasn't there already. Similarly you can make good natured affectionate comments to DH about your "messy" dad. Tensions can run high at this time. Your DH would be a little freaked out no matter who is visiting. Just enjoy this very special time with grandpa! The real problem is DH with his type A neat freak personality. Deal with that later. Enjoy your dad and baby and family right now. You'll laugh at this stuff later.

[Anonymous]

If he's not usually helpful he probably needs finite directions - "Dad, I'm not really in a position to make you lunch. You're going to have to do that for yourself"
"I'm glad you are an extra set of hands to help. Can you load the dishwasher with the dinner dishes please?"

Worst case let him do the baby holding while you rest, shower, etc.

[Anonymous]

It is likely that you and your husband will need to learn how to assert yourselves to develop/maintain/protect your nuclear family - not just in this instance but a gazillion others to come with family, friends, etc...

Start now. Make your house rules, set limits (as you feel appropriate) on duration of visits, agree between yourselves about what you want/expect/will communicate to your various family, and back each other up.

Also, be directive with your father. Give him ways to be sufficiently helpful that the things that are annoying seem bearable. Can he grocery shop for you? Can he do laundry if you give him directions? Can he hold/watch the baby for an hour or two to free you up?

People need/want a lot more direction that is often realized. He might react well to some proactive managmenet.

Congrats on the baby!

[Anonymous]

When you already know this "help" will not be helpful, it's ok to tell the person no, or to keep their visits short so you aren't stressed out. Your well-being and health of the baby are more important than someone's feelings.

[Anonymous]

What does being an only child have to do with being messy????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: What does being an only child have to do with being messy????

Nothing. OP is just annoyed at her father. Probably the best thing to do would simply have been to tell him not to come visit right now, especially given that OP's mother in law lives with them and is presumably helpful.

[Anonymous]

My dad is like this. More of a burden than a help. Just gut through it and enjoy the highlights. Ask for understanding and patience from DH. Find some things dad can really help with...home repair? Groceries? Moving heavy things? Focus on that so he feels helpful and you feel helped. Just suck up the messiness for a few days. At the end of it, he's there bc he loves you and wants to spend time w baby, which is sweet.