Support group for spouses of workaholics

[Anonymous]

I know that work is hard and that many of us have to work long hours and I have a great respect for a strong work ethic. My question is when does plain old working hard end and workaholic tendencies begin. How do you tell the difference? How do you know when there is just too much time spent working and how does a spouse introduce moderation?

[Anonymous]

I think it's a slippery slope. My DH works 7 days a week because he owns his own company and his clients need him more than M-F from 9am-5pm. Luckily he works from home after hours and weekends so we have interaction during this time.

We have a great life, are able to take amazing vacations (that he has to be available to his clients and do work during) and live very comfortably. I have suggested numerous times that I am fine with downsizing and living in a less expensive area. I always tell him I appreciate how hard he works and how good he is at what he does. Yes, I wish he would work 40 hours a week and leave work at work, but that's not the life I have signed up for. On the flip side, before I met DH I dated some losers who could not hold a job for more than a year. I was resigned to the fact that I would have to be the primary breadwinner all of the time if I didn't want to be homeless. So glad those relationships didn't work out!

[Anonymous]

You married a spouse with certain qualities.
If those qualities weren't obvious to you beforehand, I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

My friend is dating one of DH's friends who he used to own this business with. He's a workaholic. At first I thought that it was just the nature of him owning a company and then DH told me that he could delegate half the stuff he does to other people but he doesn't trust them to do it. So on vacations, he works at least some of the day because he just can't let go.

[Anonymous]

I don't have an answer about when one turns into the other but I think there probably is a difference between working hard and being a workaholic. I have many super successful friends who are able to turn it off ... and less successful folks who cannot.

[Anonymous]

I'd consult a clinical psychologist. They'd be best informed to know about support groups.

[Anonymous]

Does work impact his ability to be present for you (and your children if you have any?)

I was really bothered by this for the first few years I was with my husband. No we compromise. My spouse works long, odd hours (some of it by choice, some industry specific) I work a job that is low paying but has set hours. I will be dropping down to part-time later this year. I never complain about his hours and he doesn't complain about me not making much money. When he is off he checks his email twice (am/pm) and is fully present.

[Anonymous]

I can’t tell the difference yet but I’m working on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that work is hard and that many of us have to work long hours and I have a great respect for a strong work ethic. My question is when does plain old working hard end and workaholic tendencies begin. How do you tell the difference? How do you know when there is just too much time spent working and how does a spouse introduce moderation?

Counseling.

After a few sessions set some family and relationship goals.

Ego re money and perceived prestige are big reasons for never getting off the hamster wheel. People pleaser types too. Severe worry about money perhaps. No real Dad role model so why bother. Can't multitask in life so chooses to only focus on and at office work.

All sorts of underlying reasons.

[Anonymous]

Work is a four-letter word. Avoid as much as is practicable.

[Anonymous]

OP, would you by chance be the adult child of an alcoholic? We have been known to marry alcoholics, workaholics, all kinds of compulsive, addictive types. If so, I suggest ACOA Al-Anon meetings. But if not I think finding a counselor is a good start.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes people use work to fulfill what they don't have elsewhere (control, power, sense of purpose, to feel important, accomplished etc).
People should work smarter, not harder. At the end of the day a business owner can delegate. For corporate drones, the business existed before you and will after. If a business fails due to an employee leaving it didn't have much of a chance to begin with.

[Anonymous]

I started a little coffee group/playgroup with some of the spouses of the people my husband works with. It’s given me some perspective on what’s just him vs the nature of the job.

[Anonymous]

Try Al-Anon.