How to become more likeable
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Anonymous
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I am a married, SAHM, and I feel like I am not very likeable (I have always felt that way, starting in college). Prior to college I felt very likeable--always had tons of friends in middle and high school, lots of close friends. I've always had success dating, but always struggled to make female friends.
I feel like I know how to be a good friend. I show genuine interest in others, ask them about themselves, remember things they've mentioned before and ask them about it, invite people to do things, accept invitations, offer to help others without being asked, etc. An example of how I don't feel likeable is at work. I worked full-time pre-baby, and at my last job I noticed that even though I would stop by others' offices to say hi and chat briefly, people would rarely stop by my office to chat. At lunch, people would invite others to eat with them, but I would rarely get invited. Co-workers never invited me to do anything with them outside of work (I didn't invite them to do anything outside of work because I sensed they had no interest in doing so). My boss would often stop by his favorite employees' offices to chat, he never did that once with me. He had his favorite employees, both male and female, and would show extreme favoritism towards them. With me, he barely looked me in the eye when speaking to me. I'm a nice person. I'm not sure why people don't tend to like me. I never get invitations to do anything, whether it's a BBQ or getting together for dinner. I invite people to do things often. I have never been invited to a wedding or a baby shower. How can I become more likeable? I consider myself very outgoing, I love to talk to new people, and I am always the type to mix and mingle at a cocktail party. However, at the same time I am more of a serious type and not very bubbly. I also have a harsh look--when I'm not smiling I look unhappy/upset (something I've always been very self-conscious about) and I wonder if that is a big part of why I'm not likeable, but I work hard to overcompensate for that. However, a co-worker once made a comment that my face shows very little expression (which is true because I'm more reserved) and I think people don't like me because of that. What can I do? I want to change. |
Anonymous
| Read "How to Win Friends and Influence People". Timeless classic. |
Anonymous
| OP, you sound like me. I think it's more of a Queen Bee/Wanna Bees situation than Win Friends/Influence People. If you work with mostly women, it can be very cliquey. I'd try cultivating friends outside of work. |
Anonymous
| Do you have a good sense of humor? People don't care how nice you are if you aren't fun to be around. |
Anonymous
| You are a stay at home mom but your examples are how you were treated at your last job. How are you treated now that makes you think you are not likeable? |
Anonymous
| You need candy in a bowl on your desk. Word will spread like wildfire. |
Anonymous
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You don't sound unlikeable but naturally reserved or quiet. I am also quiet and often feel like I'm the one who calls people or stops by their offices, and they don't reciprocate or only reciprocate if it's really convenient to them -- i.e. they happen to be walking by my office AND I'm the only one around to talk to. As for lunch -- I feel like I have to say "hey let's get lunch" in order for it to happen.
That being said people have told me that I am likeable. When they hang out with me they do have fun. Personally I think it's because I have a sarcastic and/or self deprecating sense of humor. So while it sucks -- I keep trying and keep putting myself out there and have found a few friends who reciprocate some. When you do get together with people -- how does it go? Does it seem like people have fun or do you feel like they're kind of looking at their watch waiting for it to be over? I know for me one of the biggest compliments was when someone I really liked and was trying to befriend reached out to hang out with me -- only had about 90 min to get drinks bc she had to pick up her kid, looked at her watch at min 45 to get a sense of where we were on timing, and the next time she looked at her watch it was 90 min and she was like "wow -- it seem like 2 min went by, we've really been here for 1.5 hrs!?" |
Anonymous
Hahaha. This!! People feel compelled to talk to you when you leave candy. |
Anonymous
OP here. I guess it's just that I always feel overlooked as a potential friend by other moms, and I also don't get invited to things. |
Anonymous
| Can you provide specific examples. Thank,ypu |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
Where are you seeing other moms -- in the rush of preschool pick up or somewhere more "leisurely" like a church group or playground? Anyplace that is rushed is not a great place to make friends. As for more leisurely places, do you go up to other moms and talk or wait for them to approach? I would go up and talk. Especially since you say you have a serious look, other moms may not want to bother you. Also when you are out -- do you have your phone out the whole time? It's really common now when people feel uncomfortable to just whip out a phone. Problem then is that people feel like you don't want to be bothered -- either your engrossed in texting or maybe you're even responding to work emails and don't want to chat. As for a serious look -- have you tried making eye contact and smiling? |
Anonymous
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Who are you trying to make friends with now that you are a SAHM? Are your kids in school or are you at home with an infant? If you have kids in school, volunteer at your kids' school and you will have instant friendships. Does your kid talk about any other kids from school? Invite the other mom for a play date at the park after school one day. Bring fruit and goldfish and organic juice boxes. If it goes well, do it again. If you are at home with an infant, get thee to every free baby and toddler activity -- story hour, park, etc. Take a stroller strides class. Basically, get yourself in front of as many other SAHMs as possible. Our kid had a little friend in pre-school and I called the mom up and set up a play date. We are friends to this day and our kids are in middle school.
Is there a WOHM in a pinch that you know? Right now we are in such a bind for child care for this last week of the summer for our school aged child that if a SAHM acquaintance called me and offered to help me this week, I would be her friend for life whether she wanted me or not. I would host a BBQ on Labor Day and seat her on a throne after I threw rose petals in her path. At this time in life, your friends are people who are in the same stage of life as you. |
Anonymous
OP here. I have an 18 month old. I mainly socialize with other moms in playgroups and other events, playgrounds, and classes such as music, gym classes, etc. So these are all pretty leisurely places to meet people. My child and I are out of the house every day, and I am always excited to meet other moms and try to make friends. However, I'm not very successful at making friends. I always go up to moms and chat and try to get to know them. I think I am a friendly person and I love getting to know others. It's just that I feel always overlooked, that people don't want to be friends with me. I am not invited to playdates or other activities. I don't have a smart phone so the phone thing is not an issue. |
Anonymous
| OP, invite someone yourself and go from there. You can build more relationship by getting to know one person at a time. |