DH resents my exercise time

[Anonymous]

I work out 6 days a week for 30-45 minutes a day. During the week, I usually get up at 5:30 am so I can get it in before my DH and DC wake up. One the weekends, I go to the gym 1 day to work with heavier weights and the other day I go to yoga.

My husband always makes comments about how I spend too much time working out. I don't understand this because I intentionally plan to do it in the early morning while he is still asleep. I even go grocery shopping in the mornings or run errands afterward so I can spend more time with my family. I do like to sign up for the occasional road race (4 times a year max.)

Mainly, I exercise for stress relief and health. He does not exercise at all and has poor eating habits. He is probably about 50 lbs over his optimal weight but refuses to start exercising or eating better. At his last doctor visit, he had to be placed on blood pressure medication. His doctor told him that if he exercised just a little, he probably would not need it. He's only 41.

I've tried to have the " I am concerned about your health talk" but then he turns nasty and attacks my work out habits. Am I being selfish by working out? If I was working out 2 hours a day I could see that would be an issue but it seems like my regimen is pretty normal.

I love my husband and I hate seeing him so unhealthy. He can't even run around the playground with our 5 year old. That makes me sad. Your advice about how to address this is really appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked him directly, "Why does my workout schedule upset you?" Without having an answer to that question, I think it's hard to give you meaningful advice.

It sounds like this is about a lot more than just your workout schedule on both your sides. You want him to work out more, just like you do, and he knows this. I'm sure his health is a big part of it, but I'm willing to bet his physical appearance is too, and that he knows it as well. He feels pressure from you, that you view him as lesser because he doesn't work out, and probably also a bit shamed because he knows he should be doing more, and seeing you working on so diligently is just a reminder that he's not doing it.

You've had the conversation with him, as has his doctor, so let that one go. People don't get into and stay in good shape because someone else bullied them into it.

[Anonymous]

Make a deal with him. You won't complain or criticize his eating and exercise habits if he will not complain or criticize your eating and exercise habits. He's being defensive and offensive about your workout schedule because he knows that he should be doing something on his own, but won't. You can't make him change his habits, only he can. And if you comment about his habits, he'll lash out and retaliate by criticizing your workout habits.

[Anonymous]

I was with you until you started criticizing your husband's habits. If you are feeling even a tiny bit superior/srlf-righteous because of your exercise routine, I bet he's picking up on that & feeling defensive -- thus the digs at your routine.

Don't pressure him to exercise. If he makes digs at your routine, just say, "Hey, I exercise because it makes me feel better, what's it to you?" & then change the subject.

[Anonymous]

You're not admitting it but you are saddling him with the 5 year old every time you do this. Is he working FT? What kind of work schedule does he have? What kind of work schedule and commute do you have? If I had tried to do all you are doing during early childhood years, there is no way my husband could have coped because by then he was dressed and enroute to a very stressfull full time job. Can you work out together at home? workout tapes? lift weights at home. Pilates tapes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not admitting it but you are saddling him with the 5 year old every time you do this. Is he working FT? What kind of work schedule does he have? What kind of work schedule and commute do you have? If I had tried to do all you are doing during early childhood years, there is no way my husband could have coped because by then he was dressed and enroute to a very stressfull full time job. Can you work out together at home? workout tapes? lift weights at home. Pilates tapes?

She already said she goes at 5:30 am so she's done before they wake up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not admitting it but you are saddling him with the 5 year old every time you do this. Is he working FT? What kind of work schedule does he have? What kind of work schedule and commute do you have? If I had tried to do all you are doing during early childhood years, there is no way my husband could have coped because by then he was dressed and enroute to a very stressfull full time job. Can you work out together at home? workout tapes? lift weights at home. Pilates tapes?

She already said she goes at 5:30 am so she's done before they wake up.

On Saturday she goes to the gym and on Sunday she goes to Yoga - I doubt either are open at 5:30

[Anonymous]

22:00&22:14 i have to agree with you. It kinda sounds like that to me too. Maybe step back a little and try to see his side? Dont be condescending when u talk to him.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP here- so on the weekend, I do go to the gym at 7 am because it opens later and my DH and kid are usually still sleeping ( our kid actually sleeps in). If I go to yoga, that might by a bit later, so the one poster is correct in saying that I do leave our child with him.
During the week, I run outside or use DVDs at home to save on gym commute time. I work full time as does he so being efficient with free time is important.

I'll be honest and do wish that we could be the kind of couple that works out together but it's not his thing and I've accepted that. I guess I should accept that I can't MAKE him chose healthier habits. It would be best to be supportive when he does so.

I don't like it when he criticizes exercise in front of our child though. He's even said things like "studies show that working out is bad for you" in reference to a study on people who take rigorous regimens like Crossfit to an extreme. I want our DC to see that exercise is an important part of being a healthy person physically and emotionally. It's definitely a tense subject.

Thanks all for your advice though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP here- so on the weekend, I do go to the gym at 7 am because it opens later and my DH and kid are usually still sleeping ( our kid actually sleeps in). If I go to yoga, that might by a bit later, so the one poster is correct in saying that I do leave our child with him.
During the week, I run outside or use DVDs at home to save on gym commute time. I work full time as does he so being efficient with free time is important.

I'll be honest and do wish that we could be the kind of couple that works out together but it's not his thing and I've accepted that. I guess I should accept that I can't MAKE him chose healthier habits. It would be best to be supportive when he does so.

I don't like it when he criticizes exercise in front of our child though. He's even said things like "studies show that working out is bad for you" in reference to a study on people who take rigorous regimens like Crossfit to an extreme. I want our DC to see that exercise is an important part of being a healthy person physically and emotionally. It's definitely a tense subject.

Thanks all for your advice though.

You two really, and I mean REALLY, need to learn to communicate. Right now, you are both so passive aggressive it hurts to read your post. You have different opinions on the exercise and rather than discuss how to present a united front in front of your child, you both snipe at each other sidewise in front of your child. Don't think that your child doesn't pick up on the animosity between you because children that age often don't understand the words, but understand the tone and body language. She understands that Mommy exercises and Daddy doesn't like it; while Daddy does not exercise and Mommy doesn't like it. They just get annoyed with each other and act like they don't like each other. That's what's she's reading, which is what's going on. Right now, your whole attitude reeks of disapproval of your husband and he's reacting defensively to it. So he criticizes your exercise habits and you react defensively to it.

You need to sit down when DD is not there, and talk about the fact that you don't see eye-to-eye on exercise. Then you need to come to a decision on how to talk about exercise in front of your child, or agree not to discuss it in front of your child. But this sniping at each other is very unhealthy emotionally for your child and each of your relationship with your child. Grow up. You two are parents. You shouldn't be so childish around your child.

[Anonymous]

No idea if this plays in, but I used to be resentful of my wife's early morning exercises because she used it as an excuse not to have sex with me the night before. (e.g. not tonight because "I'm too tired" or "I have to get up early tomorrow")

I became less resentful of the early morning exercise when I came to realize that those were excuses for not having sex; not the actual reasons.

[Anonymous]

Do you give your husband free time during the weekend? Why don't you come home after gym and take your kid with you shopping so he can have some time.

If you criticize his eating then he is going to criticize you. That means no more commenting on how he didn't have salad with his dinner or should have more fish instead of Mac and cheese.

Have you told him that it upsets you when he criticizes you? Have you talked to him?

[Anonymous]

For my husband, he resents anything I do that cuts into his free time. I used to do a workout class at 9:30 on Saturdays and that was used as my "free time" over the weekend because when you added in travel time I was gone for almost 2 hours. When I got home, then DH would go out to run some errands alone or just go upstairs to be "off duty". All of my other exercise is done directly after work before I pick up DS or after DS goes to bed. Unfortunately, DH is very tit for tat about free time and I don't want to use up all of mine for exercise, so I've learned to schedule it creatively. It sounds like you do the same with your 5:30am workouts.

Are the 5:30 am workouts somehow impacting his ability to get to work on time? Or is he responsible for getting your child ready everyday because you're in the shower or getting ready for work? If not, then he probably resents it because it makes him feel badly about himself but it's easier to be passive aggressive than admit that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not admitting it but you are saddling him with the 5 year old every time you do this. Is he working FT? What kind of work schedule does he have? What kind of work schedule and commute do you have? If I had tried to do all you are doing during early childhood years, there is no way my husband could have coped because by then he was dressed and enroute to a very stressfull full time job. Can you work out together at home? workout tapes? lift weights at home. Pilates tapes?

She already said she goes at 5:30 am so she's done before they wake up.

On Saturday she goes to the gym and on Sunday she goes to Yoga - I doubt either are open at 5:30

What kind of cave dweller are you? A mother cannot have 2hours a weekend to herself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not admitting it but you are saddling him with the 5 year old every time you do this. Is he working FT? What kind of work schedule does he have? What kind of work schedule and commute do you have? If I had tried to do all you are doing during early childhood years, there is no way my husband could have coped because by then he was dressed and enroute to a very stressfull full time job. Can you work out together at home? workout tapes? lift weights at home. Pilates tapes?

She already said she goes at 5:30 am so she's done before they wake up.

Maybe they can take turns- so he can also get exercise during the week.