Ovulation, conception anxiety and a suffering sex life

[Anonymous]

The first question I have is regarding ovulation. Each month around the time of ovulation, I get one heavy discharge. Do you think this occurs BEFORE ovulation or AFTER ovulation? Should we be trying when I feel the discharge building up or after it has been passed?

The second question I have is around the anxiety of trying to get pregnant again. How do you cope? We are blessed with our now two-year-old child and I want to start trying for another baby (my husband isn't entirely on board with the timing yet- he wants to wait until the summer so the baby will be born next spring, but I am 37 and I already agreed to wait until our baby turned two.) As soon the idea of speeding up the timing was out there, I started feeling anxious about trying to conceive again. It took us two years to conceive our son and his conception was an absolute fluke - I must have ovulated twice that month (I was using a fertility monitor) because I got pregnant one week before I should have gotten my period (the conception was memorable because it was the first time we had had spontaneous sex in a very, very, very long time.) I think that anxiety was part of the reason why it took us so long the last time, but so was the mechanical conception sex that damaged our previously very healthy sex-life.

Lastly, our sex life is still just limping along three years later so how do I kick it back into gear? Between the passionless conception sex, limited sexual activity during a somewhat problematic pregnancy, postpartum vaginal discomfort and the fact that I am heavier, saggier and mushier than I was before I got pregnant (my issue, not his) we have sex maybe twice a month. I don't want my husband is to feel like a means to an end if I start coming onto him twice a week now... he is a fabulous father and a wonderful husband but I feel like we've lost our zing.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this, so thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts with me.

Best,
KD

[Anonymous]

The sticky clear discharge happens as you ovulate. Its purpose is to help the swimmers get to the egg. Go for it that day or the next if you want to conceive.

Sex life - have you talked about this...I'm guessing not. How about some porn (print or video)? Valentines Day is coming up ...could be a fun and spicy gift (I'm female so all anti-port readers don't shoot me). Have you gotten a sitter and been on a date lately? Have you considered calling sex for the purposes of procreation something else (that's what we did - a "drive by" was just a sperm deposit without any expectation of foreplay or snuggling. Not very romantic but it helped us.

Some people find scheduling sex actually increases the likelihood and anticipation and enjoyment. My hubby hates that idea but I know plently of people that that works for.

You may also want to talk to your doctor. Check your hormon levels to ensure you don't any anything going on that could surpress your desire.

Lastly, get some sleep, put on something that makes you feel attractive, open a bottle of wine, and try thinking and saying three positive things about your spouse everyday.

Remember, your kids will go off to college and their own lives one date...your marriage is forever.

[Anonymous]

I actually found our sex life improved when we started TTC #2, because the more sex we had the more we got into it, plus it was great not to worry about birth control. It was good until we started to do fertility treatments - now that takes out all of the fun. But I hear you about TCC burn out - between #1 and #2, we are entering our 24th month of TTC, and I'm feeling like "I've spent 2 years of my life trying to get pregnant - you've got to be kidding me."

[Anonymous]

If you haven't already read it, I highly recommend Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Tracking my fertility signs, knowing when I are fertile and when I wasn't actually improved my sex life. We would have "baby sex" on those days I was fertile, and regular "sex sex" (or not!) on the other days. It took a lot of the pressure off.

As for the way you're feeling about your body, I totally understand. I never got back in good shape after #1, and especially now that I'm 20weeks w/ #2, I feel like a blob AGAIN. I keep reminding myself, "hey, he actually WANTS to have sex with me, so it must not be that bad!"