Narcissistic MIL - No Show?
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Anonymous
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Is this typical for someone who's generally highly self-involved/narcissistic?
So frustrated and kind of hurt because my MIL has cancelled out on a BIG event for my DD, her oldest grandchild. I'm trying to be patient here, but I'm noticing a pattern - if the event honors someone else (think award ceremony, special recognition, or, in this case, my DD's baptism) MIL will cancel last minute. She did it recently when we invited her to DD's award presentation...in this case, she "got her dates mixed up" and went away with a friend. Oddly, MIL is obsessed with making every single one of DD's sporting events and typically does - then she wants to talk incessantly on the sidelines to me about ... herself, but I digress. In this case, MIL made FIL called us to say she wasn't feeling well and would not be attending the baptism and FIL will also miss because he has to "tend" to her. Oh, it's now been one week since she cancelled coming to the baptism and although my DH checked in to make sure she's ok (shock, she's fine!) she never called DD to congratulate her, talk to her, nothing. I think MIL has a rough time being happy for anyone else? |
Anonymous
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my MIL exactly, is very narcissistic, but also suffers from deep depression/anxiety and often goes off the rails and can't leave the house. she's pulled similar to what you describe.
is that possible? I feel for you. dealing with a MIL that can't just show up and be normal is exhausting.... |
Anonymous
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Thanks, PP. Yes, trying to be compassionate...MIL does have anxiety that she wears as a badge of honor and talks about all the time ("I'd have to take a Xanax before I drive there or "I fainted at the doctor's office" - and these two statements are wrapped up into long-winded, overly detailed monologues that will take up nearly an entire family dinner or a kid's game).
We can't rely on my MIL for...anything. She is never on time for anything, can't be hurried, and now, apparently can't come to anything in which she is not the star. |
Anonymous
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wow, pp here again. we need to be friends. mine emails about taking her Xanax and then sends jibberish. she likes the drama.
I can't count on her to show up for anything. but when she's on, she's 200% in our face. then she disappears for weeks at a time and wants to come at an exact day and time, which she then changes last minute. she is banned by me from kid events b/c of the horrible random stuff she said to our friends and kids' friends. it's the meds.... one thing I learned...my DH knows it all, but won't admit it. it is not at all worth arguing anything about her with him. I lose everytime and half the time the argument didn't matter b/c she didn't show. I try to call her on stuff now so she knows she's crossing a line... |
Anonymous
| Yes. Honestly, I so don't care. My MIL also cancelled on my daughter's baptism and it was so nice not to have her there. Now I am secretly thrilled whenever she bails out. |
Anonymous
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What is the issue op? I would be thrilled if my MIL didn't show up for events. If your dd is sad because grandma didn't show up, call grandma and put your dd on the phone to tell that to grandma so grandma can apologize/make excuses and congratulate her.
If it were me, I would just tell my dd that grandma probably thinks these type of events are boring and they actually are unless it is immediate family (parents). |
Anonymous
This is horrible advice 
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Anonymous
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Try to put it in perspective. She'll go to what she wants to go to, and there's nothing that will change it. Let her choose her level of involvement. You have better things to think about.
--from someone whose MIL lives nearby, but has nothing to do with her grandchildren. |
Anonymous
| Maybe she suffers from anxiety or crowds. Or maybe big events where she is the family matriarch? Sometimes big family events can feel like a lot of pressure for some folks. |
Anonymous
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You don't say how old your DD is, OP.
I had a grandma like this growing up. Prior to about age 12 I was pretty much oblivious. If grandma was "sick" and couldn't come I was pretty much oblivious -- disappointed but of course she was really sick and I was worried about her. Then around 12 I went to visit and had enough insight to realize what she was really like. It was as if a bomb had dropped on my world. I called my mother in tears and I remember saying to her "Grandma doesn't really love us, does she." I remember my mother reassuring me that Grandma did love us, she was just a little selfish. |
Anonymous
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First thought was depression. It's very typical of those struggling with depression to cancel often, and last minute. And also typical that they seem self-obsessed. They can barely make it through the day, so they focus all their energy on themselves to try to be somewhat functional.
Anxiety and depression are the opposites sides of the same coin, FWIW. If this is the case (and of course I don't know if it is), try to have some compassion. I wouldn't wish depression on anyone. That isn't to say it isn't rough on you and your family,because I know it is. I don't mean to minimize your frustration at all. But some things will always be out of your control. It's just some people aren't as strong as you'd like them to be. I like the other PP's perspective - let MIL choose the level of participation, and try not to hold her to higher expectations. It will be less disappointing for you all. Signed, someone who formerly struggled with major depression and did the flake-out quite often. |
Anonymous
| Narcissists hate not being the center of attention. Read a little bit about them, it's very enlightening. Another major thing is they never ever admit they were at fault. |
Anonymous
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Never make plans depending on or centering around her. Never hype her coming to your children since she tends to cancel last-minute. If she's late, then she misses the first part of the event, period. Don't listen to complaints about starting without her. If she's long-winded and only talks about herself, look vaguely about you, say "hm-mm" and escape as soon as you can. I know a lot of tardy folk and have a narcissistic mother, so now I just forge ahead with my plans. Qui m'aime me suive. |
Anonymous
THIS. My MIL pulled something recently that really upset my 9 yr old. She flew to us for 9 yr olds special event for grandparents. That morning she decided she simply could not go (she could, however, go walk the mall and go out to eat). I ended up taking her place. My child was visibly upset and I had to find a way to talk about it with him without expressing how I truly felt about what MIL had just done. I figure that my children will very quickly figure out how my MIL operates and act according (as I did with one set of grandparents as a kid). Needless to say, she will not be asked to come for any other events for a very very long time. FWIW, she has pulled things in the past, but my kids were younger and it didn't effect them the way it is now. |
Anonymous
| Happened to us. happens so often that we no longer plan on her attending. |