Is there life after separation?

[Anonymous]

It's been rocky for a while and he doesn't believe in therapy. It was soo hard, that I left. He is a great dad and we are civil now. Evenings are very lonely sometimes and all our friends are married, I don't want to bother them. I don't mind to go on a date and just get out of the house, but where to start? Dating services? I'm not ready for that just yet. Where do people meet?

[Anonymous]

How old are you? Any kids?

[Anonymous]

I'm 34 and we've been married for 14 years. Yes, 6 year old daughter.

[Anonymous]

There definitely is life after separation and divorce. I'm. A 42 y.o. single dad with a DD about the same age.

Assuming you will take the time to heal (or maybe you're in that process already), getting back out there really depends on you and what you like to do, and I'll relate my own experience if helps.

I lead a busy professional life and have my DD 50% of the time (we do 2/2/5 sharing). So in my free time I focused on doing things for me, that I liked. The couple of nights each week when I'm alone I worked later than usual, then went to dinner, had a couple of drinks, usually had something to read (briefing papers, etc.). I would also use those nights for grocery shopping and eventually would arrange for first dates (and sometimes second dates) that night too.

In terms of meeting people, online is a good place to start. Also tell your friends and coworkers even that you're ready to get out there. But take your time. If you want to get laid, fine that's important too. If you want a relationship (of any kind), filter and screen.

When I went on my first post-divorce date, it was the first time I was on a date after 17 years. A lot had changed, and it took me a while to understand and get used to the online dating. I'm not a big bar/club fan so I was open to meeting women even at the grocery store an dry cleaner in my neighborhood - women talk to me so I had to be aware to be "open".

Above all just be in a good place, head on straight and avoid hooking up with someone who resembles your ex. GL!

[Anonymous]

Don't worry about your friends marital status-I sometimes wish I had more single friends so I could do a girls night more easily. If one of my friends was recently separated I'd be happy to go out and do stuff in the evenings with her because most of my friends are home doing family stuff. You wouldn't be bothering me at all!

[Anonymous]

I'm married but have girls night with my friends single or married at least 1x a month.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Do you have any single friends? If so, cultivate those friendships. If you're not ready for Match.com, etc., hold off until you are. It requires a certain stamina (at least for me). But maybe click around and get a sense of who's out there.

As for married friends, I'm single (divorced with a child in high school) and I never really developed an ongoing friendship with any married women. They were caught up in their families. My best friends are single women. I've dabbled on and off with online dating but my schedule and family responsibilities (an elderly parent, a long commute) make it tricky.

Also for a stretch, a year or so, I hung out at a local bar, down the street. I'd eat dinner at the bar, became friends with the staff. Then the staff changed, and I stopped going. It was fun while it lasted. Not sure where you live. It wasn't the most economical thing, but it addressed the loneliness.

I also took a class one semester.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been rocky for a while and he doesn't believe in therapy. It was soo hard, that I left. He is a great dad and we are civil now. Evenings are very lonely sometimes and all our friends are married, I don't want to bother them. I don't mind to go on a date and just get out of the house, but where to start? Dating services? I'm not ready for that just yet. Where do people meet?

Personally, I don't think people still married should date. After the divorce, another story. As a man, I would never date a separated woman because she is STILL legally married. She still has a financial and emotional entanglement. I'm the kind who gets emotionally involved so why ask for a mess. When you are on your own and have figured things out, fine.

But I would go out with a separated woman as a friend - meaning, maybe you're not my romantic type but what's wrong with going to an event and also having a good conversation?

[Anonymous]

You've been married since you were 20? Do you have a college degree? A job?

FWIW I know many 34-something divorcees. It's not at all unusual in DC.

[Anonymous]

PP- Divorce often takes years and most men aren't going to wait for years to have sex with someone. On Match.com and other dating websites, you'll see tons of men who are separated looking to date. I don't agree with it myself and tend to skip those men but there are quite a few of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been rocky for a while and he doesn't believe in therapy. It was soo hard, that I left. He is a great dad and we are civil now. Evenings are very lonely sometimes and all our friends are married, I don't want to bother them. I don't mind to go on a date and just get out of the house, but where to start? Dating services? I'm not ready for that just yet. Where do people meet?

Is there any chance for a reconciliation? How would you feel if he got involved with another woman? Don't let loneliness cause anything to happen that you might regret. I am more than sure that both of you are very sad right now as there is a little girl you both wanted to bring up together.

[Anonymous]

OP here...

Thank you for the advice. Yes, I got married young (we're both from Europe and moved to tge US 10 years ago), but we didn't have kids for almost 8 years, so I do have Masters and a solid income of my own.

To 9:52: he is a great father, but it doesn't mean he is a great partner for me. We married young and grew apart with time. I've tried to repair our relationship for three years, but it didn't work. He is more like "let's postpone solving the problem and hope it disappears on its own" kind of person. He wants me to come back, but refuses to go to therapy at the same time. I just gave up - can't be unhappy for the rest of my life and I was very unhappy in this marrage.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry about dating yet...give yourself some time to learn to be on your own instead of part of a couple. Find something that you really want to do...take a class, find a volunteer opportunity that really speaks to you, get more involved with your house of worship if you have one, join a book club, whatever. Spending time with friends is also important. Single friends might be more available on short notice, but even married friends need a girls night out every now and again. If you have an interest in something, check out meetup for groups formed around that activity, whether it's rock climbing or knitting or anything in-between. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, just wanted to tell you as someone ten years post divorce that it gets better. I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just wanted to tell you as someone ten years post divorce that it gets better. I promise.