Insensitive Friends or Am I Too Sensitive?

[Anonymous]

I have a group of friends that travel together often. We are trying to plan a ski trip and between the two choices of places to go Place #1 offers adaptive ski for my son who has CP and uses a walker and Place #2 does not. In the process of voting for our choice, I raised the issue of my son not being able to ski at Place #2, but two other people in the group still wanted to go there. I've been having a particularly bad week dealing with my son's emotional issues and his growing awareness of his limitations. I have to fight for him in so many circles, I just don't expect to have to fight for him among my dearest group of friends. I also expect them to be compassionate and understanding. My DH tells me that I need to lower my expectations.

Well today during a conference call with the four moms, one of the moms is telling me that I need to calm down and we should be able to talk this through. I tried several times to explain that my son will feel left out if the other children ski and he cannot ski. And I would create more of a problem if I allow his two siblings to ski and tell him that he cannot go.

The other side of this is that Place #2 is more modern, has a great spa for the moms and several other activities for the kids. So one of the moms was condescendingly telling me that while this started as a ski trip, it does not have to be viewed as a ski trip and everyone won't ski. I tried to explain that my son will want to ski and it will be difficult for him to accept why the other kids can ski and he can't.

I guess what I want are friends who would say, "Oh DS cannot be accommodated there. Then it is not an option."

I got very frustrated on the call and ended up abruptly saying I had to go and hanging up. I know I was wrong for hanging up but I just don't feel like I should have to explain to another mother who we have been friends with since before DS was born why this trip would be painful for my DS. My DH's attitude is we cannot expect people who don't have kids with special needs to get it and that we should just go. He thinks DS needs to learn that the world is not going to change to meet his needs. I say, I am not asking the world to change. I am just asking my friends to have a heart.

Am I being too sensitive?

[Anonymous]

I think they should accommodate you, but it they don't then don't go. Go on your own vacation with your own family to a place that everyone will enjoy. If they're really your friends, they'll understand this decision, as it should make everyone happy.

[Anonymous]

If you were my friend, I would not even consider Option 2 anymore. It should be off the table, if Option 1 is even remotely comparable.

[Anonymous]

Wow. How can we expect inclusion in the rest of the world when our closest friends won't make reasonable accommodations for our special needs children. If I were your friend, Place #1 would be the obvious choice. It's really inconceivable to me that close friends could be so selfish. And your husband is not helping with his attitude.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you. I wonder, though, if there's any way to accommodate your son's needs at the second location - if not at that resort, is there another mountain or place nearby that could help? Have you spoken to the folks at place # 2 to see if they have any suggestions ?

[Anonymous]

When looking for options for your group, any member should have as part of the deal-breaking criteria that the site be able to accommodate your son. That seems a no-brainer to me but maybe not to others. We vacation every year with a large group of extended family. One of us has a disability that results in trouble with stairs and walking long distances. Therefore the ONLY houses we consider renting must be right on the beach and have an elevator. Otherwise why would this person want to go to the beach? To sit in the house and wait for everyone to get back from their fun day? Really not a fun way to spend vacation. I don't think it would teach your son an important lesson about the world not always bending to him for him to sit out of the fun alone all day on vacation. He will learn and relearn that the world is harder for him every day of his life. It will teach him the important lesson that family and friend are a safe haven and that HE can bend the world to HIM in small ways by choosing positive experiences where he gets to do what everyone else does. Maybe write a (NICE) note to your friends explaining all that and how painful it is to feel that some of your best friends seem to be dismissive of your son's needs. It will be uncomfortable maybe but best to talk openly about it or it will only continue to be a problem. I feel for you! Your son is lucky to have a mama tiger like you to look out for him!

[Anonymous]

OP, is there an option 3 you could find that would meet everyone's needs?

[Anonymous]

If all things were equal except the skiing for you son, I would be saying that your friends are an insensitive bunch of clods by choosing option 2. I would be saying the same if you had said that option 2 offers nothing for your son. But, clearly, from the perspective of your friends, option 2 is better for at least part of the group (ie, the hot tub/sauna crowd). And from yours, option 1 is better for at least part of the group (ie, your son who will only be able to ski if you go there). Finally, from their perspective neither option means that one person will be completely left out of activities.

I'm not saying that they are not being insensitive or that you are being too sensitive. There is no way to make this judgment from your brief description. But, let me throw this thought out there. This sounds like it is the first time something like this has happened, so your friends must be pretty ok to be with when it comes to respecting your son's and your family's needs. At least I would hope so since you seem to be good friends. So, my question is this. Should your friends always put your son's needs ahead of everyone else's or should your son have to sometimes be the one to compromise. Maybe they are saying that they've made compromises in choosing other vacation destinations and it's your turn.

One last thought. Are you willing to risk losing this group of friends by refusing to go? It sounds like your DH is not.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry to hear about this situation. My brother has CP and I know it can be very hard on the parents - hours spent in PT and OT and other medical appointments. Your friends probably have no idea how hard it is on your son or your, your husband, or your other children. My mom never compromised with making sure my brother had something significant to do on trips and made sure he was included. This was critical to his self-esteem. My family was told he would never do many things, like ride a bike, but he was able to (although not well) and I know it was because early on, he was included and my mom and we advocated for him.

I think your friends are being insensitive, but they probably have no idea. I hope you can plan an inclusive vacation and find other more supportive friends.

[Anonymous]

As a mom of two healthy kids, I think your friends are being insensitive. I really tried to put myself in their shoes and you know what? I just don't think I'd put going to a "spa" over the needs of your child. I just wouldn't do it. If I was THAT bothered by there not being a spa, I'd do a pretty extensive search for option #3 where everybody would be happy.

It makes me wonder if perhaps there is something deeper going on with your friends. I am probably reading way too much into this, but could it be that they feel like they always accommodate you and your son and just want to go somewhere of their choosing for once? I don't know. I'm just trying to understand what is motivating them. The spa argument sounds pretty weak (and this is coming from a BIG lover of spas).

[Anonymous]

These aren't friends. I'm sorry, they just aren't being friends. If they can't even imagine what the effect of this is on your son and on you or worse, if they can understand and just don't care, then to Hell with them. I'm serious. Let them have their small-hearted ski trip. You and your family go yourselves to the first place and have a great time. Find better friends.

My son's disability isn't physical, but if I couldn't get support from my friends, I'd rather not even talk to them. And when my group of friends gets together for anything, we make sure it is in an accessible place so the one of us in a wheelchair can participate. I mean, duh. You shouldn't have to even ask.

[Anonymous]

Maybe there is a spa option within driving distance of option #1?

Can you call / look into it and present it to your friends?

[Anonymous]

Your friends are being ridiculous. Perhaps you should all reconsider the alternatives for ski vacation venues. There are many ski areas that have adaptive ski programs and nice spa facilities. I have heard from friends with special needs kids that Park City, UT has an absolutely great adaptive ski program. If the spas in Park City or nearby Deer Valley (or the Cliff Lodge at Snowbird) don't satisfy your friends, I don't know what will. Winter Park, Colorado and Breckenridge both also have good adaptive ski programs, I think. Good luck with your decision from a fellow avid skier!

[Anonymous]

OP here. To answer some of the questions, this is the first trip among my group of friends that accommodating my son has come up. Usually, we are quiet and roll with the punches, making adjustments as we need to allow DS to fit in. It is just that DS who is now 7 is becoming more aware of his limitations and frustrated with being left out. And this is a ski trip, so if he cannot ski at a particular resort, I did not think it was too much to ask to consider that. A PP also asked if all these were equal between the two resort but for the adaptive ski. The answer is no. Place #2 has a whole bunch more to do besides skiing and that was my friends point. But my point is still that if the main activity is skiing and the other kids go skiing then taking my son bowling while the other 9 kids ski is not going to feel great to him.

Also we want to go somewhere driveable so all of the other resorts mentioned are not an option. Place #1 is Wintergreen (fantastic adaptive ski program) and Place #2 is Nemacolin which I hear great things about.

In the end, my husband has convinced me to go along with our group of "friends" and we will adjust and make do, teaching our son that life will not always be easy. I am not completely convinced and am still quite angry and am not looking forward to unnecessarily putting my son through this ordeal.

[Anonymous]

OP, I do not think you're being insensitive. Going to an accessible place should be a no-brainer, plain and simple. Your husband may have a point about teaching your son that life isn't always easy and he will unfortunately have to adapt to a not always accessible world, but I don't think this applies with a group of your nearest and dearest friends. Perhaps because you have gone along quietly in the past your friends don't understand why this year is different. Have you talked to them about your son's recent struggles and how heartbreaking this has been for you? Regardless of what you decide to do, I think you should tell your friends what has been going on so at least they have an understanding of why you've been so emotional about this (not that you should have to, ugh, but it sounds like it got heated enough that your friend told you to calm down). I must admit I'm disgusted by your friends' attitudes. Perhaps you can also contemplate going to option #1 with just your family. Good luck, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think anyone would think your friends are being insensitive.