Why the Constant Fighting with SAHW?

[Anonymous]

I am tired of fighting with my SAHW. I am resentful that she seems to take it for granted that the money I earn to support the family magically appears in the bank account for her to spend as she wants/needs. When we come up short some month, it becomes a battle royale with her over the bank account. I have attempted to set up a budget with her and to have her stick to it, but she will invariably go off it or, if we have some unexpected expense like a car repair come up (even though I may have budgeted for it), she will think that in addition to paying for that I need to somehow come up with the funds to pay for her regular spending. There is nevef adjustment down for her.

I brought up yesterday the idea that she could work part-time to bring in some extra income and she blew up at me, calling me an ungrateful "a**hole" because I do not appreciate all she does around the house and taking care of two teen-age children! Twice a week she cleans the house. The rest of the week she is at the gym, doing shoppingl, etc. I think that she wastes a lot of time and could better manage it so that she could find the time to look for a job - if she wanted it! I just don't think she does.

At the same time, she complains I am not home to "help" her. Of course not, I am at work earning the money to pay the mortgage, put the food on the table, pay for the kids, etc. I think part of the problem is that she grew up in a household where Dad did not really work. He was home to do whatever her mother needed and therefore has grown up with this very unrealistic expectation.

She is resentful because I am not there to "help" her and I am resentful because I feel she sees me as an endless source of cash. It is a very very miserable situation.

Unrelated to this (or perhaps related) is that I do not expect nor do I want all of my "free time" taken up with household chores and focused on spending the remaining amount of time with her and the kids. I need some time to escape for myself. I do not think it is too much, for example, for me to be able to be off on a Saturday morning with my guy friends bicycling or doing other sporting things. I need to be able to continue to pursue and develop my independnet interests and pursuits. She should be able to do this as well.

My parents were married for 45 years. The reason they were able to stay together, my mother said, is that both she and my father never expected the other to subsume themselves in the relationship. They each had their own interests and hobbies, their own circles of friends, etc. I expect that I should be able to have the same things too.

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHW(M), although my kids are still pre-school age. I think you need to talk to your wife the way that you laid it out here. Try to find a way to make it not about what she has done wrong, but about how you are worried about what is going to happen in the future and you are starting to feel really stressed out about the way that you, as a family, are handling your finances since you have some big expenses starting to loom on the horizon (college, retirement, health events that get more common with age). If she is presented with the problem as one that the two of you need to solve together, she might be more receptive to coming up with solutions. I agree with you that your wife is acting unreasonably, but unless you are willing to divorce her, you need to find a way to get her to see your side of this argument if you want her to change. Maybe family therapy would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHW(M), although my kids are still pre-school age. I think you need to talk to your wife the way that you laid it out here. Try to find a way to make it not about what she has done wrong, but about how you are worried about what is going to happen in the future and you are starting to feel really stressed out about the way that you, as a family, are handling your finances since you have some big expenses starting to loom on the horizon (college, retirement, health events that get more common with age). If she is presented with the problem as one that the two of you need to solve together, she might be more receptive to coming up with solutions. I agree with you that your wife is acting unreasonably, but unless you are willing to divorce her, you need to find a way to get her to see your side of this argument if you want her to change. Maybe family therapy would be helpful.

I agree with the above but wanted to add that I agree with the OP. I sahm with three kids and feel that the greatest benefit we get from me being home is that we can devote our weekends to family/down time. No errands on the weekends. My husband plays poker, golf, goes to the movies with his friends-a few times a month with my blessing. I am free to go out with my friends and I do too. We don't "ask" each other as much as say, hey there is a game Friday night, do we have anything going on? Or the girls want to meet for dinner, you mind? etc. etc. One night/morning a week is completely acceptable. The key here is that we respect each other. He is 100% involved with the kids when he can be and treats me well so I have no resentment towards him. I don't keep track of what he/I do-bc it ebbs and flows each week...We are not perfect, but we do try to respect each others needs so nobody ever feels miserable. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this is a common dynamic, although you more often see it when the kids are younger. A lot at play here: Sometimes the husband doesn't really grasp how much things cost, but sometimes the wives are spending needlessly or therapeutically.

With teens in the house, it's definitely time for her to go back to work if money is so tight that you have "battle royales" at the end of the month.

But this isn't really about money, rather it is about control. A good therapist can help you work thrugh that minefield.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, this is a common dynamic, although you more often see it when the kids are younger. A lot at play here: Sometimes the husband doesn't really grasp how much things cost, but sometimes the wives are spending needlessly or therapeutically.

With teens in the house, it's definitely time for her to go back to work if money is so tight that you have "battle royales" at the end of the month.

But this isn't really about money, rather it is about control. A good therapist can help you work thrugh that minefield.

I am the OP. I really just don't understand the dynamic at work here, or why it is such a cause of conflict. I really don't. It is very very frustrating.

[Anonymous]

I know you said you set up a budget, but it's possible she might've seen that as an allowance. This has to be done delicately. If the kids are teenagers, they are old enough to understand a household budget. This could be an opportunity for the family.

Have everyone sit together at the table and lay out the finances. Start with the monthly income. Then one-by-one add the mortgage, car payment, bills, etc and see what is left over for food, clothes, expenses, and college savings.

Have everyone, even the kids, weigh in on how much should be spent each week on groceries and extras. Once you have a family agreement, tape that weekly budget to the refrigerator. At the end of the week, gather the family back together and write down what was actually spent. If you have money left over, hooray! Everyone goes to the movies! If they spent more than they should have, ask them what they can live without next week - less food or less savings.

[Anonymous]

That's exactly why you need counseling -- as a couple to start. In reading your post, you think you're right. You've been unable to convince your DW of that. You need a third party to help you two communicate. Your DW is going to have a different version of this truth...and you need to understand where the other spouse is coming from. That's why you need outside help. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, this is a common dynamic, although you more often see it when the kids are younger. A lot at play here: Sometimes the husband doesn't really grasp how much things cost, but sometimes the wives are spending needlessly or therapeutically.

With teens in the house, it's definitely time for her to go back to work if money is so tight that you have "battle royales" at the end of the month.

But this isn't really about money, rather it is about control. A good therapist can help you work thrugh that minefield.

I am the OP. I really just don't understand the dynamic at work here, or why it is such a cause of conflict. I really don't. It is very very frustrating.

I assume your wife has not worked for well over a decade. I'm sure she is completely out of touch with the real world. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Makes me so happy that I'm not a man and expected to support a family. Attitudes like hers would send me through the roof. I have zero understanding of how someone would not be interested in bringing home some sort of income-especially when the kids are school aged. I don't get it, it completely is outside of my ability to conceptualize that kind of attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, this is a common dynamic, although you more often see it when the kids are younger. A lot at play here: Sometimes the husband doesn't really grasp how much things cost, but sometimes the wives are spending needlessly or therapeutically.

With teens in the house, it's definitely time for her to go back to work if money is so tight that you have "battle royales" at the end of the month.

But this isn't really about money, rather it is about control. A good therapist can help you work thrugh that minefield.

I am the OP. I really just don't understand the dynamic at work here, or why it is such a cause of conflict. I really don't. It is very very frustrating.

You fell for the big bag of SAHM bullshit. Hook, line, and sinker.

[Anonymous]

Are you involved as a father and husband? You sound disconnected and uninterested in family life. If all you give them is money and not time or respect, then they'll treat you like an ATM. Teens are expensive and need a lot of guidance. It sounds like you don't have much respect for your wife, and you think you're better than her because you work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, this is a common dynamic, although you more often see it when the kids are younger. A lot at play here: Sometimes the husband doesn't really grasp how much things cost, but sometimes the wives are spending needlessly or therapeutically.

With teens in the house, it's definitely time for her to go back to work if money is so tight that you have "battle royales" at the end of the month.

But this isn't really about money, rather it is about control. A good therapist can help you work thrugh that minefield.

I am the OP. I really just don't understand the dynamic at work here, or why it is such a cause of conflict. I really don't. It is very very frustrating.

I assume your wife has not worked for well over a decade. I'm sure she is completely out of touch with the real world. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Makes me so happy that I'm not a man and expected to support a family. Attitudes like hers would send me through the roof. I have zero understanding of how someone would not be interested in bringing home some sort of income-especially when the kids are school aged. I don't get it, it completely is outside of my ability to conceptualize that kind of attitude.

Counseling is needed. And this pp above me - you're as close minded as the sahw.

[Anonymous]

Get yourself a good marriage counselor, ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you involved as a father and husband? You sound disconnected and uninterested in family life. If all you give them is money and not time or respect, then they'll treat you like an ATM. Teens are expensive and need a lot of guidance. It sounds like you don't have much respect for your wife, and you think you're better than her because you work.

I don't get that at all.

In fact, I think we have a new trend here where the kids age out, the SAHMs refuse to go back to work and essentially become freeloaders. Today's fathers get stuck with the proverbial "second shift."

The NYT should write a piece about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, this is a common dynamic, although you more often see it when the kids are younger. A lot at play here: Sometimes the husband doesn't really grasp how much things cost, but sometimes the wives are spending needlessly or therapeutically.

With teens in the house, it's definitely time for her to go back to work if money is so tight that you have "battle royales" at the end of the month.

But this isn't really about money, rather it is about control. A good therapist can help you work thrugh that minefield.

I am the OP. I really just don't understand the dynamic at work here, or why it is such a cause of conflict. I really don't. It is very very frustrating.

I assume your wife has not worked for well over a decade. I'm sure she is completely out of touch with the real world. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Makes me so happy that I'm not a man and expected to support a family. Attitudes like hers would send me through the roof. I have zero understanding of how someone would not be interested in bringing home some sort of income-especially when the kids are school aged. I don't get it, it completely is outside of my ability to conceptualize that kind of attitude.

Counseling is needed. And this pp above me - you're as close minded as the sahw.

No, just a maker, not a taker.

[Anonymous]

Hello time machine - clearly we've rolled the clock back to 1956.

Marriage counseling.

Trade places for a week. (Obviously she can't do your job but she can go do a temp job for a week while you do everything she does. Everything.) Then talk.

Send her on vacation for 2 weeks while you stay home. Then talk.

Build your household budget together - give her a reasonable percentage of your income to cover all household expenses, day to day small expenditures, food/clothing/activities for her and the kids, etc... Let her decide those numbers (within the confines of the budget that makes sense within your income) and then let her manage the money.

Treat her as an equal partner (you do not sound like you view her that way at all BTW).

Marriage counseling.

Financial counseling.

Time off for her. Time spent doing the work of the family for you. Maybe a job outside the home for her if she wants it - not because you are scornful of her.

Marriage counseling.

I'll be sending supportive thoughts her way and wishing you all good luck. Doesn't sound like a family I'd want to be in (in any role).