When the co-parent doesn't co-parent

[Anonymous]

What do you do?

We still haven't figured out custody, so it's not set in stone but I will likely be the primary physical custody parent and my "co-parent" has expressed a desire for joint legal custody. With a domestic assault conviction and lack of cooperation I doubt a court would find that agreeable, I'm trying my darndest to make-it-work. That is, make co-parenting work.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

He can have joint legal custody where the two of you make major decisions about medical and education issues. For example, if your child is referred for special education services, this would be something you decide together. If you wanted to pull your kid out and homeschool, that would be a decision you woupd have to make together. You can handle pretty much everything else.

Joint legal custody does not mean ou discuss every time kid wants to play soccer or buy a new pair of sneakers. It's for really big decisions.

[Anonymous]

I have joint legal and physical custody with my ex, but I have the lion's share of custody. (5 days/week.) He's responsible and a good guy, but has ADD and won't agree to take on more custody because he worries about being able to manage his life.

The way our arrangement works, I pay for everything and handle all kid-related administration and he pays his support every month. I run decisions by him - soccer or ballet this semester? Saturday at 1 or Sunday at 11? We make school and health decisions jointly, but I am responsible for all paperwork, appointments, etc. I do wish I had someone to share more of the load, but I'm an organizer/planner and he is not, so this works.

[Anonymous]

With a domestic assault conviction and lack of cooperation

Those are major reasons for not having joint legal custody. Avoid it - it might cost more in legal fees initially but in the long run trying to 'co parent' with someone who is not cooperative and violent is unlikely to work. What happens when he gets annoyed at you? He can take his anger out on you by not agreeing to any joint legal issue - medical, educational, religious, residence etc You legally have to consult and agree on all those matters. BTDT I made the mistake of trying to make it work. It still doesn't work - he swapped physical violence for abusing me legally and financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

With a domestic assault conviction and lack of cooperation

Those are major reasons for not having joint legal custody. Avoid it - it might cost more in legal fees initially but in the long run trying to 'co parent' with someone who is not cooperative and violent is unlikely to work. What happens when he gets annoyed at you? He can take his anger out on you by not agreeing to any joint legal issue - medical, educational, religious, residence etc You legally have to consult and agree on all those matters. BTDT I made the mistake of trying to make it work. It still doesn't work - he swapped physical violence for abusing me legally and financially.

Thanks for posting PP.

We still haven't settled, but even the settlement process has been awful. Like, he agrees to something and the next day backs out.

Unfortunately, the state I'm in (VA) will not mandate certain things (college, activity fees, etc) so I've traded sole custody for those provisions. In that scenario, would you have still gone to litigation? Can you give more insight on how to make a tighter custody agreement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

With a domestic assault conviction and lack of cooperation

Those are major reasons for not having joint legal custody. Avoid it - it might cost more in legal fees initially but in the long run trying to 'co parent' with someone who is not cooperative and violent is unlikely to work. What happens when he gets annoyed at you? He can take his anger out on you by not agreeing to any joint legal issue - medical, educational, religious, residence etc You legally have to consult and agree on all those matters. BTDT I made the mistake of trying to make it work. It still doesn't work - he swapped physical violence for abusing me legally and financially.

Scary! Sorry you're going through this. Good luck to you and the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

With a domestic assault conviction and lack of cooperation

Those are major reasons for not having joint legal custody. Avoid it - it might cost more in legal fees initially but in the long run trying to 'co parent' with someone who is not cooperative and violent is unlikely to work. What happens when he gets annoyed at you? He can take his anger out on you by not agreeing to any joint legal issue - medical, educational, religious, residence etc You legally have to consult and agree on all those matters. BTDT I made the mistake of trying to make it work. It still doesn't work - he swapped physical violence for abusing me legally and financially.

Thanks for posting PP.

We still haven't settled, but even the settlement process has been awful. Like, he agrees to something and the next day backs out.

Unfortunately, the state I'm in (VA) will not mandate certain things (college, activity fees, etc) so I've traded sole custody for those provisions. In that scenario, would you have still gone to litigation? Can you give more insight on how to make a tighter custody agreement?

In our custody agreement we added a provision that child would attend school in the father's district - whatever that is. (Mom was very unstable) If you can work this in for you, it eliminates issues related to moving etc.

[Anonymous]

FYI: A domestic assault conviction has no bearing on child custody issues.

For some reason, the court's rationale is that being a jerk spouse (even a violent one) has nothing to do with the type of PARENT the person is. As long as he's a loving PARENT and has never been convicted for child abuse or endangerment, he's fine in the eyes of the law. Furthermore, courts realize that in domestic situations emotions can run really high and accusations of abuse can be manipulated and/or exaggerated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FYI: A domestic assault conviction has no bearing on child custody issues.

For some reason, the court's rationale is that being a jerk spouse (even a violent one) has nothing to do with the type of PARENT the person is. As long as he's a loving PARENT and has never been convicted for child abuse or endangerment, he's fine in the eyes of the law. Furthermore, courts realize that in domestic situations emotions can run really high and accusations of abuse can be manipulated and/or exaggerated.

Can't speak for VA, but in DC, domestic violence conviction absolutely affects custody. Generally thereis a presumption of joint custody, but if there is proof of domestic violence, then the offender needs to show it would be safe for child to be in that parent's custody.