Need Perspective

[Anonymous]

I was using my husbands phone to surf the net--I often do because mine is slow--before bed a few nights ago. I used the browser to log into what I thought was my Facebook account(he uses the app for his). I immediately clicked to messages before I realized it wasn't my account. I noticed that last Sunday, he messaged a female, one I'm not familiar with that he was en route to a festival with friends and was letting her know "as promised". This woman ended up not being in town and basically asked him to tell her how it was, which later he did exactly that.

Under normal circumstances, I would not have thought anything of his exchange. But, several things bothered me: he ha talked about hat festival all week, including the day of and not ONCE did he mention inviting this other woman, I had a friend and her husband coming into town that weekend and he was adamant that if the time we were going to meet up was going to interfere with the festival that he was going to the festival without me. He day of I ended up not feeling well and stayed home all day. He did not message this woman until he knew I was not attending (according to the time stamp).

I sat on this info for a few days before confronting him. I took a screenshot of the exchange, sent it to my phone, then sent it to him. After I sent the picture and knew he received it, I asked him why he never mentioned this woman. He was extremely defensive and instead of giving me clarity, just went on about how I was trying to pick a fight and nothing he said would satisfy me.

Now, I'm left feeling more uneasy. We've been going through a rough patch in our marriage and he has a history of being deceptive. I have no problem with having friends of he opposite sex, but I just wish he was more transparent.

The main question is, should I be really worrie about this?

[Anonymous]

Hmm....hopefully its nothing more than that.
But trust your gut..

[Anonymous]

Yes, you should be concerned.

[Anonymous]

-5 for the privacy violation.

Do you want transparency or do you want to control? Nobody says they want to control, but many do. Someone very close to you seems to think so.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I regularly use my husband's phone with his knowledge , so I don't consider this a privacy violation. As I stated above, I used the browser to login to fb. I assumed it was my profile because I use it almost nightly. I didn't scroll through his messages looking for something; this was the top message.

I've always been very laid-back about him having friends/acquaintances of the opposite sex. The fact that he never mentioned this woman and then became hostile when I confronted him about it is out of character, therefore the whole thing is suspect to me.

[Anonymous]

Do more investigating before you disclose your sources to him.

Yes, I would be suspect of this. You are not losing your mind.

[Anonymous]

Look, the fact that she was out of town more/less proves he's not in super-close contact with this woman. I seriously doubt they are having an affair.

It does perhaps sound like a low level flirtation. I am not sure that is the worst thing in the world.

I would let things cool off and try to have a sensible discussion with DH in a few days -- I am sure that is very hard for you right now as you want answers today. But some cooling-off is good for you both.

I would count this as a very small c- concern. If you are able to have some honest dialogue out of it, it could be a great wake call for both of you and a slippery-slope not taken.

But, if you must go the high-drama route, then by all means let's have a soundtrack for the thread:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaSy8yy-mr8

[Anonymous]

Of course you should be concerned - and angry! Why on earth did he invite some unknown woman to go out with him?? What do you think!!
He owes you an explanation and he has not given you one. Why is that? If it was above board then he would have an explanation for you.
If I were you I would contact the woman and ask her what it is all about. Why not?

[Anonymous]

Yes, you should be very concerned. He shouldn't meet other women that you don't know about. He wouldn't take kindly to that at all either.

[Anonymous]

Divorce!!!, do it NOW!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Look, the fact that she was out of town more/less proves he's not in super-close contact with this woman. I seriously doubt they are having an affair.

It does perhaps sound like a low level flirtation. I am not sure that is the worst thing in the world.

I would let things cool off and try to have a sensible discussion with DH in a few days -- I am sure that is very hard for you right now as you want answers today. But some cooling-off is good for you both.

I would count this as a very small c- concern. If you are able to have some honest dialogue out of it, it could be a great wake call for both of you and a slippery-slope not taken.

This is great advice. Take it, OP!

[Anonymous]

The hostility may have come from the fact that you looked through his texts, decided one was suspicious, took screen shots, emailed it to yourself then emailed it to him.

If my spouse did that, I would probably be pretty hostile too even if it was totally innocent just because it shows there is no trust at all. Your actions show you have already decided this is something bad/wrong.

If my spouse saw something on my phone and asked me about it, then I wouldn't have a problem explaining it. And vice versa. If I asked my spouse about it and he was hostile or evasive that would be problematic for me as I haven't yet accused him of anything. But if I did as you did and already accused him, I would expect him to be upset.

I have no idea if your husband is cheating or not but you need to be able to have less confrontational and accusatory discussions. If he is cheating you are just going to make him hide it better, and if he isn't you are damaging the trust between you.

[Anonymous]

Even if OP's husband has a right to be hostile, why didn't he at least explain who he was going to meet? I would be upset and worried by this.

[Anonymous]

He wants to fuck her? Are you staying or are you going?

[Anonymous]

Cheaters always react that way when confronted. They will always angrily deny.

Something is almost certainly up. What do you know about this woman?

Maybe hire a PI?

Do you see his cell phone bills? I busted my ex because I found out he switched to paperless cell phone billing. Logged into the account and saw he was spending all day on the phone with TOW.