As A Guy, How Do Trust Again?

[Anonymous]

Man here. I'm somewhat embarrassed to even ask this question, but here goes:

My wife cheated the day after Christmas. She had zero remorse when I found out, and she said that she was leaving. It turned out to be news to the other guy, because he bailed on her. Because of our kid I tried to work it out, but a month into counseling she started talking to two other guys. She was up to four when I finally just gave up. We just got divorced, and now I'm trying to slowly get back out there. I was content to give myself time, but I find myself becoming increasingly bitter. Maybe it sounds crazy, but I feel like I need to see that not all women are as wretched as my ex-wife.

Is this a bad idea? Are there other ways to get over it besides just giving it time? I'm 30. I still want more kids and a family, but I don't want to punish someone else for what she did.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Sorry for the typo in the title. It should've said How Do *You* Trust Again.

[Anonymous]

I would take more time to figure out yourself or whatever you want to call it. If you don't, you'll impart that bitter side of you onto a woman who very well may be a catch. Not worth the risk. Do the work to get yourself where you need to be.

[Anonymous]

As far as getting over - therapy. Check out survivinginfidelity.com. Talking to a trusted friend/family about it.

If you want to get major headway fast I would do therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds to me like if you cannot recognize that not all women are "wretched like your ex-wife", you have no business dating. The way that you see that is by getting to know some women. Your bitterness sounds like a thing that you could discuss with a therapist, likely with productive results, but in your current emotional state, you should not be dating and you certainly should not be considering having more children. Sort out your own feelings and mental state first, so that you have something to build on/with.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs that if you have any doubt at all that most women aren't unfaithful and wretched you have NO business dating right now. That is a natural stage after infidelity but don't bring anyone else into your life until you're beyond it. Therapy ASAP will help you prepare emotionally for a new and healthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP - it really sucks you're going through this - been there myself too.

if it's therapy or some other means, you need to get your head on right. you also need to figure out a way to let the past go - and in doing so, you can also take lessons from that to help you build a new life, a new you.

I say this b/c for men, this type of thing is a blow to the ego on a deeper level. yeah, there is anger and lot of it. but in order to move forward, trust again as you put it, you have to forgive and let it go (took me 11 months).

but another part of moving forward is learning to be the alpha guy again - not an asshole or SOB but you have to get back your confidence - and that will bring the right women back into your scope - that way, you can distinguish between the hags, the drama queens, etc. that are all out there versus the really good ones you do want.

good luck and stay well brother.

[Anonymous]

It's been my experience that men often don't face the emotional pain of a break up, sometimes for a year or more. Sometimes never. Maybe you are just now honestly dealing with the pain? If so, let yourself work through it. It sucks. It hurts. But you "will" get through it. Once you do, you will be ready to find a healthy relationship.

Most people are good people, OP. Truly. The only other thing I'd suggest is possibly doing some therapy to figure out if you are attracted to women who may not be best for you. You can't change others, but you can make yourself as emotionally healthy as possible, so that you maximize your chance of being attracted to another good person like yourself. (Speaking from personal experience).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here. I'm somewhat embarrassed to even ask this question, but here goes:

My wife cheated the day after Christmas. She had zero remorse when I found out, and she said that she was leaving. It turned out to be news to the other guy, because he bailed on her. Because of our kid I tried to work it out, but a month into counseling she started talking to two other guys. She was up to four when I finally just gave up. We just got divorced, and now I'm trying to slowly get back out there. I was content to give myself time, but I find myself becoming increasingly bitter. Maybe it sounds crazy, but I feel like I need to see that not all women are as wretched as my ex-wife.

Is this a bad idea? Are there other ways to get over it besides just giving it time? I'm 30. I still want more kids and a family, but I don't want to punish someone else for what she did.

Remember that no one else is guilty of what your wife did.
Find a woman who has a demonstrated history of fidelity. For example, my ex cheated on me with more than one woman. I dragged him to therapy and fought to try to stay married to him for several years because I did not want my child to be a child of divorce. Ultimately his last affair was too much for me. Never once during all of that was I unfaithful to him.

Now, too bad I am too old for you But I think I've proven that I am a faithful, loyal spouse, even when my spouse behaved abominably. I honored my marriage vows, ultimately leaving because of his adultery - which even Jesus and Dr. Laura both say are acceptable reasons!

If you can find someone who has been through the same pain you have, and yet can hold their head up high knowing that they always took the high road, then perhaps you have found the woman for you.

[Anonymous]

Your wife sucks, but 90% of the women I know would not do that to a guy, and I know a ton of women.

Remember there's no hurry to move on with someone else - just start moving on internally. Start slowly - maybe take some time to just be by yourself and hang with friends, pursue hobbies, work out, etc. Enjoy the one-on-one time with your child and the me time. It can be nice. If you have nasty things to say about your wife, talk them out with female friends who you don't want to date. (just buy them a drink first, mmmkay? been there. if they're providing free therapy, you should be providing the wine.)

Then when you're feeling a little less bitter and hurt and angry, you can start dating - online is good if you don't meet women out. Don't worry if the first set of dates don't go well - they might not. (but try not to talk much about your ex if you can avoid it - it's really discouraging to be on the other end of that date.) Eventually you'll meet someone nice - and "eventually" could be 6 months or a year or 2 - no hurry, remember? You're still young.

In the meantime, again, enjoy the one-on-one time with your child. They grow up really fast.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm a year younger than you and married with kids. I love my DH dearly and know he's a good guy. He's told me several times early in our relationship, if I ever cheated, he would walk. I've never cheated. Please let out a big sigh of relief that your wife did this now and you're only 30 years old. Her selfish actions are going to lead you to the person you're meant to be with. Take your time, you have all the time in the world (you're male after all, no biological clock!). I know it sucks now but I'm sure you'll eventually see that this broken road is just part of a much bigger journey. Oh, and have fun as a single guy!
Signed, faithful wife after 12 years together.

[Anonymous]

Op, most women would never do what she did.
Plus, assuming you are not obese and are employed, you are going to have a waaaaay easier time getting remarried than she is.
Gl

[Anonymous]

OP, not ALL women are as mean~spirited as your ex~wife is. Trust me. But after what you experienced, I can see why you would believe otherwise. It's going to take a long time for you to trust another woman on your own. She most likely will have to earn your trust first, right?

It sounds to me like you just need more time to be alone. Feel the pain your ex inflicted on you. Let yourself grieve emotionally so that you can move ahead in a healthy manner. Date casually at first. Do not jump into anything serious for awhile. Get a feel for different types of women. Once you feel confident that honest and decent women do in fact exist, then it will be much easier for you to open up your heart again and trust.

I am sorry your ex did all of this to you.

You are still young and can get married again and have more children.

I wish you luck in your future endeavors.

[Anonymous]

I went through something similar and am your age. I have purposely stayed single, because I don't want to bring that baggage to someone else. I'm aLOT better today. I trust my judgement alot more but I was absolutely terrified for a year after.

A girlfriend of mine started counseling after going through something similar and I can honestly say I've seen positive changes in her since. She's been standing up for herself, personally and professionally, whereas she used to always put her needs last. I wish I'd started counseling back then, so I'm suggesting that you consider it.

[Anonymous]

Damn