If H does not significantly contribute financially what do you do

[Anonymous]

When my husband and I met we made the same amount of money. As time went on... his salary has gotten less and less... basically, through accepting lower paid positions just to "keep a job". I have tried to encourage him to do things that he will be successful in and enjoy but he never made a change. I think at the end of the day it has to do with low confidence. We have quite a few relationship issues, but this one is the core. I don't feel that he is providing for his family (and thank goodness I can) and it makes me resentful and not have much respect for him. Does anyone have any suggestions on what might help me either accept him or make him make more $$?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my husband and I met we made the same amount of money. As time went on... his salary has gotten less and less... basically, through accepting lower paid positions just to "keep a job". I have tried to encourage him to do things that he will be successful in and enjoy but he never made a change. I think at the end of the day it has to do with low confidence. We have quite a few relationship issues, but this one is the core. I don't feel that he is providing for his family (and thank goodness I can) and it makes me resentful and not have much respect for him. Does anyone have any suggestions on what might help me either accept him or make him make more $$?

Don't keep score. I don't mean that in a negative way. While there is a certain need for some financial security is it worth it if he takes a job where he has to work a ton of hours and comes home stressed out every day? As long as you are making it worrying about who contributes what can cause a lot of issues and resentment.

[Anonymous]

I'm just grateful my husband doesn't feel as resentful toward me as you do toward your DH. I am good at what I do and I love it, but I make squat. It just do happens that he is good at what he does and he loves it and makes a shit ton, so at the end of the day, it is balanced.

We are a team, so he doesn't try to minimize my contribution.

Why does the man have to be the one to support financially? Can't he find other ways to earn your highness's respect?

[Anonymous]

What kind of work does he do/has done?

[Anonymous]

The only way to keep even is to never keep score. Honestly unless he is chronically unemployed I would just accept the situation at face value. Not everyone is destined to make a lot of money, however everyone deserves a peaceful and happy home life. Let it go. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my husband and I met we made the same amount of money. As time went on... his salary has gotten less and less... basically, through accepting lower paid positions just to "keep a job". I have tried to encourage him to do things that he will be successful in and enjoy but he never made a change. I think at the end of the day it has to do with low confidence. We have quite a few relationship issues, but this one is the core. I don't feel that he is providing for his family (and thank goodness I can) and it makes me resentful and not have much respect for him. Does anyone have any suggestions on what might help me either accept him or make him make more $$?

Do you feel like it is his responsibility to make more money than you do because he's a man? Or is your issue more that you feel that he's squandering his potential?

I think a better question for you to ask would be "If H does not significantly contribute financially, what does HE do" because contribution to a marriage and family is not just about dollars in the bank.

[Anonymous]

Cut the PC crap. Few women respect men who can't bring home the bacon. You can chant in your sister circles all day about how independent you are but when it comes down to it-few women want to support a man.

But that's not fair...why are there sahms...we are all the same....blah blah blah. Your yapping doesn't change reality.

OP you can't change him. You can encourage him by showing how much you appreciate his contributions. And with patience perhaps that will lead to the discussion you really want to have. But "I want you to make more money" is not going to work.

But "thank you for working so hard. I am glad that you have always made sure to have a job. I love you" is a better starting point for both of you. Keep telling yourself that and you might see a changes from within and from him. But focus on yourself first.

[Anonymous]

I always made more than any guy I was ever with...it does kind of stink. When I was married (divorced now) my H made 40k less than I did and had a lot of obligations including child support. I can see where you would be concerned about his not reaching potential and not bringing home enough income. However I would take a low earner with a job and good sense of family compared to a high earner that never had time for wife and kids any day.

[Anonymous]

I would hate to think what would happen if my partner ever considered my financial contribution versus his or pulled up a score card. I make good money and I would not fair well on that one.

Are you making enough to live comfortably or are you in a position where you, AS A TEAM, have to make more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cut the PC crap. Few women respect men who can't bring home the bacon. You can chant in your sister circles all day about how independent you are but when it comes down to it-few women want to support a man.

But that's not fair...why are there sahms...we are all the same....blah blah blah. Your yapping doesn't change reality.

OP you can't change him. You can encourage him by showing how much you appreciate his contributions. And with patience perhaps that will lead to the discussion you really want to have. But "I want you to make more money" is not going to work.

But "thank you for working so hard. I am glad that you have always made sure to have a job. I love you" is a better starting point for both of you. Keep telling yourself that and you might see a changes from within and from him. But focus on yourself first.

Wow, I actually wasn't being PC. Frankly, I'm an adult person who should be able to take care of myself, rather than needing someone else to take care of me. I'm not a SAHM. I make more money than my husband. We each contribute to our family in a lot of different ways. OP says that she doesn't feel that he's providing for his family and that it makes her resentful and respect him less. I do not feel that way, and I don't think it's "PC crap" to point out that no one expects this from women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my husband and I met we made the same amount of money. As time went on... his salary has gotten less and less... basically, through accepting lower paid positions just to "keep a job". I have tried to encourage him to do things that he will be successful in and enjoy but he never made a change. I think at the end of the day it has to do with low confidence. We have quite a few relationship issues, but this one is the core. I don't feel that he is providing for his family (and thank goodness I can) and it makes me resentful and not have much respect for him. Does anyone have any suggestions on what might help me either accept him or make him make more $$?

He's a Beta guy and you weren't honest with him or yourself about what you wanted. But he likely finds you a PITA as well, in case you don't realize it.

[Anonymous]

I always picture myself trying to explain in court, my friends and family, and everyone else that the issue that is bothering me at the moment is why I want a divorce.

No sugar coating it. No hiding behind "irreconcilable differences". No wording it in a way that makes it look better than it is. If you cannot honestly say you would be comfortable explaining to all these people that you divorced your spouse over the issue that is bothering you than it is not a reasonable thing to divorce over.

I cannot imagine.... yeh - he just did not make enough money for me to stay married to him.

If you can be comfortable being the person who would say this go right ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cut the PC crap. Few women respect men who can't bring home the bacon. You can chant in your sister circles all day about how independent you are but when it comes down to it-few women want to support a man.

But that's not fair...why are there sahms...we are all the same....blah blah blah. Your yapping doesn't change reality.

OP you can't change him. You can encourage him by showing how much you appreciate his contributions. And with patience perhaps that will lead to the discussion you really want to have. But "I want you to make more money" is not going to work.

But "thank you for working so hard. I am glad that you have always made sure to have a job. I love you" is a better starting point for both of you. Keep telling yourself that and you might see a changes from within and from him. But focus on yourself first.

Wow, I actually wasn't being PC. Frankly, I'm an adult person who should be able to take care of myself, rather than needing someone else to take care of me. I'm not a SAHM. I make more money than my husband. We each contribute to our family in a lot of different ways. OP says that she doesn't feel that he's providing for his family and that it makes her resentful and respect him less. I do not feel that way, and I don't think it's "PC crap" to point out that no one expects this from women.

It is PC garbage that leads to lazy ass men and bitter women. It destroys families because when women get the beta man they said they wanted..."ooops he too boring, he doesn't make enough. Blah blah blah. Hey I like Alpha Jim. I should get a divorce. "

Who cares what is expected of women? That is not what OP asked for advice on. There are expectations for men and expectations for women. Sometimes they overlap and sometimes they don't. Get over it.

Things are not "the same" so let's not pretend they are. That way when the realization slaps you in the face and you are tired of your beta husband, you will know to to deal with it constructively.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can totally see your point here, but it really is out of your hands. I mean, you can talk to him until you are blue in the face, but ultimately it is up to your husband to be the one to go out and seek a better paying job.

You can always boost his confidence by reminding him of all of his positive attributes. Tell him often how smart, talented, etc. he is and how much he has to offer a company. The rest is up to him.

In other words, you can lead a horse to water....I think you know the rest.

Good luck.
Hope this helps out.

[Anonymous]

My sense is that real issue is not entirely about money. A man that teaches high school and takes that job seriously is worthy of respect, etc, even with little money. OP's H sounds as if he has no real career, whether or not it is financially rewarding. Sorry, I am with the OP here.