Mom says she wants to move here and care for LO, but she'll never do it
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I guess this is a rant, but I'll take advice!
I am from the west coast and my parents live there; I've lived in DC for about 10 years. I recently gave birth to my first child, their first and likely only grandchild. My mom has always worried that the baby will not know her and my dad, will be afraid of them when they visit, etc. Then my retired in-laws moved here and started watching LO one day/week, and now mom is super jealous. There is zero chance my parents will move out here. Neither is retired, and they have lived in the same house for 35 years with all the possessions, habits, and inertia that implies. That's fine, I don't expect them to move. My issue is that during our weekly phone call, my mom will say multiple times that I can "just say the word, and [she'll] move out there and watch LO." Usually this comes up during a discussion of daycare, with the undertone that it's too bad LO is in daycare at all / for so many hours.* I always respond, "I'd love for you to live closer and watch LO." She returns, "Just say the word." It can go back and forth multiple times if I don't change the subject. If I say something specific like, "You have to go to work," my dad will chime, "No, I think she'd retire in order to move out there." So I'll say, "That sounds great, I'd love that." And mom says, "Just say the word!" I know it's a verbal tic. Probably it is her way of reacting to her jealousy, to her sadness about missing me and LO, and to her sense that she ought to be providing care (like MIL is doing) and is therefore somehow failing me and LO. But her words imply there is something I could or should do to make LO's life better, make my parents happier, etc., that I am not doing. Like, if I would just ask in the right way, she really would pick up and move and provide childcare. It puts the burden of her sadness on me, on top of the burden of my own new-mom feelings about work/daycare/mothering and being far from my parents. It also makes for tedious conversations. I can't decide whether to say something blunt to get her to stop. She is very easily embarrassed, and they also are worried about driving me away (I didn't move out of state to avoid them, but my sibling did so it's a legit fear), so she and dad would both take it hard if I did say something. *I think daycare is great for LO but I feel bad that she is often first there and last picked up. She's too young to notice, but it means I don't see her much on those days and it's a lot of why I allow MIL to watch her one day/week ... even though that has its own price. |
Anonymous
| Let it go. It isn't necessary to say anything. |
Anonymous
| Hmm what do you mean you "allow" mil to watch her once a week? Mil is doing you a favor by providing free childcare. Your mom doesn't want to uproot and provide you with FT childcare, that's why she's all talk. |
Anonymous
| "Well, you know mom, I have made it clear a number of times that we'd love to have you here. So if it winds up working out for you guys, that'd be terrific, just let us know. So, how's aunt betty doing?" |
Anonymous
I pay for 5 days/week of daycare at the daycare center, regardless. |
Anonymous
Whoa, that isn't the point at all. MIL is giving her time to take care of your child, and not charging you for it. Obviously you and your husband have determined that this is advantageous for your child, one day a week, or you would not be doing it. If this is your outlook, better to say no thanks and go with the daycare for five days a week. |
Anonymous
| Try just saying, "Mom, you're welcome to come out to visit any time - just say the word and give us a week to get the guest room cleaned up." And when she says "JUst say the word and we'll move out there" say to her "Call me when you've given notice at work!" |