Estranged family -- how do you explain it to DC?

[Anonymous]

My side of the family has a complicated, on-again, off-again history. We live far away, but the DCs and I visit 2-3 times/year. My eldest, now 9, is starting to ask "when can we see the cousins and aunties and uncles?"

I am the youngest in my family and traditionally held a rather
are approaching

[Anonymous]

Oops -- con't. ...

I have been neutral so far, and have attempted to make contact, for my DCs sake, but my efforts have been rebuffed.
Frankly, I find it embarrassing and feel badly for my dc's.

When you are estranged from family, how do you explain it?

[Anonymous]

Im confused. Are they estranged or do you see them a couple of.times a year? When was the last time you visited?

[Anonymous]

I think your last sentence got cut off? Some of my relatives have a flare for the dramatic and apart from violence and pedofile-like behavior, I do my best to not let the grown ups' drama effect which family members my kids get to know. My grandpa was an alcoholic and a terrible father - my mom wasn't speaking to him but after she had kids, she let him back into her life for our sake and I'm so glad she did. He was the world's best grandfather and I never knew of his struggles until he passed away. Getting to know us was his second chance in life and he didn't take it for granted.

I now have some family that's not speaking to other parts of my family and I've told both sides that I'm not choosing between you. My kids is going to have a chance know all of you.

[Anonymous]

We visit Grandma - I have siblings and nieces/nephews in the area. Grandma is the only one who will see us. I don't really care, but my DCs are starting to ask questions.

[Anonymous]

Oh ok. No good advice. My mom made it known how much she and my.aunt (her brother's wife) hated each other. I didnt see them or my cousins until ages 6-18 when my mom's sister passed away. Got to know cousins a little better and then when my grandmother passed away when I was 21, my aunt kicked my uncle out of the house and filed for divorce. Now my mom and her brother are close again, and I am very very close to my cousins.

Sorry no good advice. Maybe your mom can have the cousins over without their parents to hang out with your kids?

[Anonymous]

My DH doesn't talk to his Dad (parents divorce when he was young and dad was deadbeat showing up sometimes). My kids don't ask. My husband's opinion has always been someone coming back and forth into a family is more disruptive than someone never being there.

We focus on the family we do have. My family and DH's mom. My eldest once made a comment about DH's family tree being rather complicated and asked about DH's dad. But DC was fine with he lives far away.

You can't be estranged and still visit 2-3 times a year. That's just normal long distance family.

[Anonymous]

My situation is a bit more extreme than most but we tell our kids that my father was kicked out of the family because he was such a horrible person and treated us so badly. We quickly reassure them they wouldn't get kicked out because you really have to be bad for a long time and not sorry. We also let them know he drinks too much alcohol and is unsafe to be around.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the input -- we visit Grandma 2/3x per yr. The aunts, uncles and cousins live near grandma. My dc have some recollection of them because we have seen them in the past -- but in the past 2 years they have been unresponsive to our attempts to make contact when we visit grandma.

There was abuse in the family a long time ago and these are the lasting effects -- I'm talking 50 years ago -- so it seems absurd to me (I'm not even 50 yet!). But this is definitely residual effects of our abusive father (and enabling mother).

Is a 9-yr old able to understand this? What do I say to the kids when they ask about thei rest of the family?

[Anonymous]

Just say that sometimes families are complicated, that it has nothing to do with DCs, and that you have reached out to the family members so they know you want to see them. You can also say that you'll explain a little bit more when they're adults. Then focus their attention on whatever family they do have relationships with (grandma, your partner's family if that applies) and also your friends.

[Anonymous]

On my side of the family there is severe dysfunction. My DC is 6 and constantly asks when he can see his cousins. The next time is in October, when we spread my father's ashes - now that sucks. What I regret is that my brother is my son's godfather and we rarely see him or his family. My mom is an instagator, so it's probably a good thing that we live in DC and they both live in the midwest. I don't have answers but I have empathy for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was abuse in the family a long time ago and these are the lasting effects -- I'm talking 50 years ago -- so it seems absurd to me (I'm not even 50 yet!). But this is definitely residual effects of our abusive father (and enabling mother).

Is a 9-yr old able to understand this? What do I say to the kids when they ask about thei rest of the family?

WTF!! You think they should get over the abuse because it was 50 years ago? As someone who grew up with physical and emotional abuse, just because I've moved on doesn't mean I'm over it and willing to have a relationship with my abuser.

[Anonymous]

I hear you 18:05.
My father sexually abused me.
My mother physically, emotionally abused me and that abuse was observed by my much younger brothers.

I have a relationship with my brothers but not my parents. I also don't see my extended family very much b/c there are various threads of disfunction there and they are always pressing me to see my mom.

Luckily my Dh's parents divorced about 30 years ago, remarried other people about 25 yrs ago and so my child has 2 sets of grandparents. Now, he's 4 and I'm sure one day he's going to figure something out and I think, for awhile, I will say that my parents are really mean so we should stay away from them.

When he's older, I'll start to share some realities and have my DH help since he comes from a pretty normal background. I think he'd have better words than I would have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My situation is a bit more extreme than most but we tell our kids that my father was kicked out of the family because he was such a horrible person and treated us so badly. We quickly reassure them they wouldn't get kicked out because you really have to be bad for a long time and not sorry. We also let them know he drinks too much alcohol and is unsafe to be around.

Agree. Just make it a non issue and move on. Sometimes you're just better without them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We visit Grandma - I have siblings and nieces/nephews in the area. Grandma is the only one who will see us. I don't really care, but my DCs are starting to ask questions.

Can Grandma be the in-between? Invite ALL the grandchildren over when your DC is at her place, thereby providing a way for them to interact without you and your estranged sibs having to cross paths if you don't want to?