family crunch -- advice?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I have a high pressure job, like many people on this board. This fall is going to be the worst time for a while, and I expect to need to put in 60-70 hrs/week, every week over the next few months to keep up. We have three weekends this fall with family occasions that I have to go to. These are 3 weekends in 4 weeks. 2 are for DH, 1 is my family. Fitting in the 60-70 hrs around these occasions is going to be tight, but they've been planned for a long time and I've been trying to figure out how to work with them. Today BIL emails to ask if we can visit MIL for her 70th birthday, on the 1 weekend out of the 4 that we were not supposed to get on a plane and travel. I told my DH that I just didn't know how I could do this, especially on such short notice. This shouldn't matter, but I also feel like BIL is planning a celebration he wants, not what MIL wants. The celebration would be in BIL's and MIL's town, convenient for him, and I'm not sure it would be much more than hanging around, which we did over the summer and will do again over the holidays when I will finally be able to breathe again. And MIL has repeatedly asked over the past couple of years for a family trip over a summer to celebrate this birthday. Her kids always say they are too busy for such an excursion (or don't like to travel or both). It makes me kind of mad to see (if my mom asked for such a thing, I feel like I would make it work) but it's DH's family and I stay out of it except occasional comments to DH. I'm also finding this hard because milestone birthdays aren't a big deal for me. So much so that the last one of mine was spent traveling with a newborn to an inlaw based occasion. Other than the massive challenges of traveling with a newborn I was totally cool spending such a birthday in a way that was 0 about me. That said, I realize some people are really into birthdays. DH thinks I'm being a jerk and is mad. I can see his point, but I really feel stuck and resentful for the above reasons. What is the best course here? Do I suck it up and figure out some way to survive even if I get little sleep and don't see much of my kids? Stay home and work and send a nice gift and just tell DH sorry? Suggest an alternative option to BIL (we get along well) even though this kind of thing really shouldn't be up to me and may just make his family mad with no other effect? FWIW DH supports my job and changing it is not an option. It's NGO based -- so while it's just a job, I do feel it provides redeeming value outside of myself and isn't slaving at biglaw if that changes the equation at all to you. And I probably should add that MIL is wonderful. |
Anonymous
|
I don't get it. Don't go. Dh can go with the kids if he wants to.
Mil wants to see her son and grandkids, not you |
Anonymous
| Tell MIL you will take her somewhere next summer to celebrate ( a year long birthday celebration, why not?) but that you can't make it this time. |
Anonymous
| You are being a jerk. Suck it up and go. Milestones are a big deal especially when you hit 70 and don't have that many more to go. Your MIL will remember this and everyone will remember if you do t go. And you will regret it at some point if you skip it. It will be far worse to live with the consequences of skipping it than the inconvenience of going. It might not be your MILs ideal celebration, but it is obviously the best they can do. |
Anonymous
Ignore this poster. Stay home and work long days Saturday and Sunday. Send dh and kids. |
Anonymous
Yep because in two or five or ten years you will believe that it was more important to work than to celebrate your family. |
Anonymous
|
Why can't DH just go without you? It's HIS mother.
"Where's Jackie?" "She's working 70 hours a week this month and couldn't make it. She asked me to give you this card and send along her love though; she's SO sorry she couldn't get away." |
Anonymous
| "Unfortunately due to three other family events that is our only weekend that month to take care of our normal stuff Didn't mon say she would rather do a family trip instead of a oh. You couldnt make that work for you, huh? Oh, too bad. " |
Anonymous
| Just suck it up and go. The last thing you want when you're going into a crunch time is a cranky spouse who feels you are dismissing his mother. I would be clear, though, that DH is making all the travel arrangements. He should pack up for the kids and buy gift for mom. Bring the kids and enjoy time with them on this trip. Sleep in. |
Anonymous
| You have two other IL events that require a plane in a month? Yeah, no. You can hand MIL a nice gift at one of the other two events. |
Anonymous
Totally agree. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you everyone for your advice. I didn't actually think about this point, and this morning I suggested to DH that we celebrate for MIL at another one of these events (ie squeeze it into a weekend.) He seemed to think that was a reasonable suggestion so hopefully this will be reasonable solution for all with little family strife. So count one (I hope!) for DCUM. Thanks! It'll be a little less close to MIL's actual birthday, but it will save more people than just us the trouble of traveling so many times in a short span so hopefully I won't look like a bad guy here either and will save my sanity. |
Anonymous
OP here. This is the solution I would love most too, but MIL really wants a special trip with all of her kids so she can share the experience, not just the chance to go on a trip (she does travel often). I can understand that the inclusion of her family is an important part of the equation. Much as I'd like, I can't get DH's siblings to go and as I said it's not really my role to ask (I have offered my FF miles to help pay for the trip for everyone). |
Anonymous
Another agreement. Can you Skype or something for the cake/candles? I went to a baby shower where grandparents could make it but they were on Skype for the present opening and it was so sweet. |
Anonymous
AND, she will see you 2 more times this month? Didn't she already say there are 2 events for her DH's family that month? Will MIL not be there? If the party isn't that big a deal to MIL then I am sure if you take her for a pedi or spend a little one one one time with her during the 2 weekends you are already going to see her, she will appreciate that just as much. At least mine would |