How much difference do little things make for kids "in the middle"

[Anonymous]

I would say that my kid is a pretty typical middle class East Coast suburban kid. He's a rising sophomore at a well regarded public high school with a 3.2 unweighted GPA, and a 3.64 weighted. He tests about the middle of his grade on most things. If that holds true he might make an SAT score around 1700, but of course that's a guess. Plays a couple of sports and sings in the chorus, but isn't a star at any of them, and really likes to volunteer. He's also a very nice, kind, well behaved kid. He's not the "doesn't live up to his potential" kid I seem to hear about a lot, he's doing pretty well for the talents he has.

I am sometimes torn on how much to push him. I'll make grand plans to get him a math tutor, or sign him up for some activity that will sound really good on a college app, and then I drop the ball. Not because he wouldn't do it if I asked him to, but because I get busy, or because he's busy, or because I just have mixed feelings about pushing him.

So, I'm wondering, for a kid like this, how much of a difference would pushing make? Let's say he brought that GPA up to a 3.4 unweighted, or added a couple extra AP's over the course of his high school experience, or took a series of SAT courses that added 200 points to his score, or even did all of those things, what does that mean for college, and then for life?

Right now, he's saying he likes small schools, and I like instate tuition, so let's imagine that he's looking at Frostburg, Salisbury, and St. Mary's. Naviance makes that look like safety, match and reach in that order. If I push, and it puts him over the edge from Frostburg to Salisbury or Salisbury to St. Mary's, how would his experience be different, in terms of what college would look like, or career or grad school opportunities at the end? Also, which kid is better prepared for life, the kid who juggled a pretty full schedule independently, and ended up with a lot of B's, or the kid who was helicoptered a little more by mom and tutors, but got some more A's, but still not straight A's.

Just curious.

[Anonymous]

The independent kid. Why are you thinking of signing him up for stuff?

[Anonymous]

Is he living up to his potential? That's what I would be concerned with at this point, not where he might go to college. I've had kids at three different high schools and two different colleges (with a rising HS sophomore still to go), and what matters isn't where they end up but how diligently they work along the way. I'd be disappointed if my kids put in less effort than they're capable of expending, considering school is their only major responsibility from 9th-12th.

Your last question sets up a false dichotomy. It's like the question asked during so many college tours: "What's better, a kid who gets Bs in rigorous courses or a kid who gets As in easier ones?" The standard reply is always, "The kid who gets As in rigorous courses."

Is there some reason your son can't independently juggle a full schedule and still get more As than Bs?

[Anonymous]

He sounds like an awesome kid, love that he loves to volunteer. I don't think it is your roll to push an older teen - that can only be done by force and authoritarianism (like pp). He should be setting his own goals for college now, with your guidance. Ask him if he would like to do anything to beef up his résumé and if he wants to stretch. Otherwise sounds like you have a kid on a good track in life!

[Anonymous]

A successful person is someone who is happy. And a mother's happiness is measured by her unhappiest child.

[Anonymous]

Graduation rates at those colleges ~ compare them. That is the difference. To ease your mind, I don't think anything you do re: EC's will affect his chances. He's old enough that if he's going to distinguish himself through his EC's that has to come from him -self motivation, a passion. I guess you could point out opportunities that look interesting. You should make sure he keeps up his grades, and I would definitely -when the time comes- provide a high quality SAT prep class to maximize his chances. Even if he is 'satisfied' with his initial scores, in this day and age, it's pretty standard to prep. I wouldn't take a relaxed position on this issue. I wouldn't send him off to Salisbury and certainly not Frostburg without knowing, for sure, that you do not have other options for your money. St. Mary's being so small may have somewhat quirky admissions so can't assume it's a sure thing even with the stats. Make sure he can check-off-the boxes of all he needs to get into UMaryland just in case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he living up to his potential? That's what I would be concerned with at this point, not where he might go to college. I've had kids at three different high schools and two different colleges (with a rising HS sophomore still to go), and what matters isn't where they end up but how diligently they work along the way. I'd be disappointed if my kids put in less effort than they're capable of expending, considering school is their only major responsibility from 9th-12th.

Your last question sets up a false dichotomy. It's like the question asked during so many college tours: "What's better, a kid who gets Bs in rigorous courses or a kid who gets As in easier ones?" The standard reply is always, "The kid who gets As in rigorous courses."

Is there some reason your son can't independently juggle a full schedule and still get more As than Bs?

I'm the OP and I think the question of "is he living up to his potential?" is somewhat meaningless. The way I see it, he's a kid who takes time to learn things, more than some kids, less than others, and he's interested in a lot of things. So, time for learning, whether that's learning a new piece of music for choir, or perfecting his curve ball, or studying irregular Spanish verbs, is a limited commodity. He's certainly using his time productively, and doing things that are interesting to him, and make him happy, and may serve him well in life, but there are also plenty of other things that he isn't learning, such as how to figure skate, or play the trombone, or read Latin, because time is a limited commodity. The question of whether or not he's living up to his "potential" depends entirely on what aspect of his potential one values the most. Do I decide that I value his "potential" in math above his potential in baseball, and have him miss practice twice a week to go to tutoring? Or do I decide that I value his potential as a writer above his potential socially, and make him stay home Saturday nights so we can sit together and take his history essay through 3 more drafts? Or do I decide that I value his potential for independence and self direction the most of all and butt the hell out? For me the answer for that in part requires me to know what not getting to calculus in high school, or having an occasional C on his transcript means for the future. I know that it may mean a different name on his diploma, but having only attended one college myself, I don't know that I have a sense of what the difference would be between the schools, both in terms of how much he enjoys his experience, and in terms of how ready he is to build a career he loves when he graduates.

As far as your second point, I think that the answer "The kid who gets As in rigorous courses" is the question you might get on college tours at colleges who have plenty of kids who get A's in rigorous courses. The fact that some schools give snarky answers doesn't mean the question isn't a valid one. There are plenty of kids out there who don't have Harvard in their future and who do need to make difficult decisions -- do I reach high and sign up for that AP class, or take 2 sciences, knowing that I'll learn a lot but my grades might suffer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Graduation rates at those colleges ~ compare them. That is the difference. To ease your mind, I don't think anything you do re: EC's will affect his chances. He's old enough that if he's going to distinguish himself through his EC's that has to come from him -self motivation, a passion. I guess you could point out opportunities that look interesting. You should make sure he keeps up his grades, and I would definitely -when the time comes- provide a high quality SAT prep class to maximize his chances. Even if he is 'satisfied' with his initial scores, in this day and age, it's pretty standard to prep. I wouldn't take a relaxed position on this issue. I wouldn't send him off to Salisbury and certainly not Frostburg without knowing, for sure, that you do not have other options for your money. St. Mary's being so small may have somewhat quirky admissions so can't assume it's a sure thing even with the stats. Make sure he can check-off-the boxes of all he needs to get into UMaryland just in case.

OP here, looking at Naviance right now, UMaryland is likely to be a reach for him, even if we choose to push hard, and it works. The average SAT from our high school is 19something, and the average weighted GPA is like 4.2.