Boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I need someone to give me a 'template' for healthy boundaries among famili (adult siblings/parents etc). Things you should share, things you shouldn't. Things you responsible for, for your adult sibling or parent and things you are Not responsible for.

All opinions and comments welcomed

[Anonymous]

I think you're asking a lot of a random anonymous forum. FWIW I've heard great things about the book Boundaries (Henry Cloud, I think?)

[Anonymous]

I'm excellent at boundaries but this is too broad a question. My brother and I have shared intimate details regarding our sex lives, but only very rarely and not in the interest of gossiping but more along the medical front. We vaguely know each others salaries and those of our spouses, as well as how much our homes cost.

We take turns taking each other out to dinner but are not militant about whose turn it is. When the four of us go to the movies one of the husbands pays for all four of us.

When at each other's homes we will go into closets to replenish toilet paper or get extra chairs during a party, but would not go into each others master bedrooms without one of the people who sleeps there being there too. We will empty each others dishwashers and put away food. We will help ourselves to anything we want, though we will ask before opening a new bottle of wine (and get told yes).

[Anonymous]

No talking money or sex. It is not fair to your spouse. Period.

In light of this, if my SIL knew, she would absolutely pound relentlessly for information because she is nothing but a bully. A 4'9" nosy SOB bully. DH's siblings tend to be jealous of him, unfortunately.

Did you have a specific questions/issues addressed, OP? It can be tough if the family claims to be supportive but in reality, is nothing but troublesome. Nosy people tend to do this. They try to be sneaky, but are terrible at it.

DH sometimes blames me with my permission, which helps him get out of any corners they try to back them into. Then they have to deal with me. Which is a WHOLE different story.

[Anonymous]

It really depends on the relationship. There are things I'd never share with most of my siblings such as finances, marital relationship issues besides a funny anecdote or two.
They don't pry and neither do I. We only share what we feel comfortable with.
My mom and I are closer and I talk to her more about these things and she does the same.
My DH and his siblings and FIL don't really chat often and never talk about anything more than general well being.
We did have to set firmer boundaries with my family on treating me like an outsider. I left my family's faith and am the only one who doesn't live close, which some members resent. We did this by only visiting a few times a year for short visits and suggesting gatherings with activities, thereby limiting the whole Thanksgiving Dinner type of scenario where folks sit around and dogpile on and pick fights. I also had to make clear to the worse offenders it was a new day and such behavior wouldn't be tolerated.
We also had to set firm boundaries with my inlaws when it came to religion and attempts to force conversion. Again, we made it clear such attempts wouldn't be tolerated, the consequences of continuing (getting cut off).
We took the firmest measures with the truly toxic relatives--my selfish brother and two callous BILs and their wives. Each of these people were unkind during several pregnancy losses. One BIL didn't attend our wedding because we are of different faiths. Another BIL resented being called out for his financial mooching and he and his wife's subsequent passive aggression when the gravy train was cut off. My DH and I made it clear we neither want nor need their toxicity in our lives. We let them know that if at some point their behavior changes we'll gladly deal with them, but until then such unkindness is unacceptable.
Has worked like a charm and warded off additional drama.
I don't know if that helps, but fwiw, the common theme of "stand your ground" when it comes to boundaries works wonders.

[Anonymous]

PP here. ITA with "stand your ground". Don't let anyone bully. Of course they would not admit this, and consequently would resort to game playing, but who needs it?

Stick to positive people who do not pry because they have their own good life!

[Anonymous]

Don't book flights to stay in our house without telling us the exact dates and length if time.
Oh, and if we tell you to come for X number of days, don't go books flight for 2X or 3x number of days. We know you're cheap, but don't be disrespectful. There are only so many days we can financially and psychologically shop for, cook for, feed and entertain you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't book flights to stay in our house without telling us the exact dates and length if time.
Oh, and if we tell you to come for X number of days, don't go books flight for 2X or 3x number of days. We know you're cheap, but don't be disrespectful. There are only so many days we can financially and psychologically shop for, cook for, feed and entertain you.

I assume this is a bit of a rant regarding your own siblings?

[Anonymous]

You and your spouse should be a united front, so the boundary has you two on one side and family on the other.