FIL's GF is a sh*t-stirrer; how to deal?

[Anonymous]

DH's parents are divorced; it was not friendly, but it's been 10 years. DH has no hard feelings about the divorce (no affair, happened when he was an adult) and couldn't care less if his parents got re-married to other people. FIL has had a girlfriend for about 5 years. She is here to stay, they live together, no plans on getting married. FIL and MIL do not speak to each other.

DH and GF have not gotten along since day one. This is in large part because GF does not have any kids of her own, and does not understand boundaries of matters she should not get involved in. Don't want to get into the gory details but will give some examples. E.g. She cleaned out DH's childhood room and then talked with DH about things she found there and threw out. She contantly talked about how dreary their childhood home was and how she wanted to remodel the entire thing (which she did). GF tells FIL that he spoiled his kids by paying for college, and that they are ungrateful (why would FIL even pass this along??). GF never allows FIL to have phone conversations with DH alone-- she's always in the background shouting something. (As a result, DH and FIL almost never talk anymore.) When we spend time with them, she finds something we did to gripe about ("wasn't it rude that they didn't spend their entire day with us and instead went home for DS's nap?") which FIL passes on to DH. Note that these are never things FIL would ever think of on his own.

GF and DH have had it out a few times already (DH is about as mild-mannered as it comes). Usually it starts with GF saying something offensive in a totally passive aggressive way (along the lines of the above). I try to steer the conversation elsewhere but GF just keeps going. Eventually DH yells at her.

GF is always looking for "allies" to "improve her relationship with DH" by reaching out to me and his sister, which I find offensive (hello, my loyalty is to DH and not to you).

FIL is a weak person, and knows the GF is a problem, but is afraid to be alone and confront her with her BS. Before the rare visit, he will ask DH to extend an olive branch to GF in advance to "keep the peace" and "welcome her into our home." He starts calling and texting DH 3x/day about calling his GF. This drives DH nuts because honestly, FIL was your typical absentee-workaholic dad who missed every baseball game, worked 7 days a week, etc. So the idea that DH is supposed to drop everything for him to deal with his petty demands does not sit well.

FIL has managed to wrangle a visit for DS's birthday and I am already resentlful that I have to deal with a sh*tshow on what is supposed to be a special day for our family. DH just wants to tell her to stay home. I suppose that isn't reasonable, but how would you deal with this situation? During every visit, I try to carry on the blandest of coversations to get through any meal and hold my breath that there won't be a huge blowout.

[Anonymous]

If I was you I would lay it out, call her and tell her you expect her to behave at DS birthday party and you understand if she needs to stay home because its not possible for her to behave nicely. Do not allow her to ruin a special day for your family, its your kids birthday you say who comes

[Anonymous]

Don't reward bad behavior. Take DS to meet FIL on neutral ground and make it clear that GF is nor invited.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Problem is that she never acknowledges that she has behaved poorly due to her disguised, passive-aggressive comments. It's always "who me?" UGH. Thankfully, they live 10 hours away.

[Anonymous]

Have the birthday party at Chuck E Cheese. I'm serious.

[Anonymous]

Separate birthday parties! It's a pain but this way you, DH and DS will enjoy birthday party #1 first, say at a ball game, laser tag or somewhere fun, before having to face FIL and psycho GF at birthday #2. Have birthday #2 at FIL's house so you can leave after a couple of hours and don't have to clean up after them. Just bring a cake and a case of sodas, which you leave with them. Alternatively, have it after dinner on a Sunday night before a school day to keep it brief.

Rent a kid-centered video to cut out the talk.

Good luck and good bless.

[Anonymous]

Ah, too late. FIL lives out of town, so he and GF are coming to visit on the b-day weekend. We are not having a traditional party for DS; we'll do something fun with him just the 3 of us that day, but then have to deal with dinner and other weekend activities (to be planned).

[Anonymous]

It'll be hard for them to pull that cr*p at Chuck E Cheese. 1 party, if they want to biotch at you, they'll have to follow you into the tunnels to do it.

[Anonymous]

Also- OP here. My advice request is not only limited to dealing with this b-day weekend, but how generally to deal with this woman!! DH wants to cut her out of any activities but knows that will mean FIL likely chooses GF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have the birthday party at Chuck E Cheese. I'm serious.

Ah, the most bitter revenge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Problem is that she never acknowledges that she has behaved poorly due to her disguised, passive-aggressive comments. It's always "who me?" UGH. Thankfully, they live 10 hours away.

Then why is FIL making the trip? Don't tell me they're staying the weekend. Hotel. Hotel. Hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have the birthday party at Chuck E Cheese. I'm serious.

Ah, the most bitter revenge.

Exactly! Added bonus: it'll guarantee no repeats. GF won't be able to stand it. Definitely, Chuck E. Cheese to the rescue!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Problem is that she never acknowledges that she has behaved poorly due to her disguised, passive-aggressive comments. It's always "who me?" UGH. Thankfully, they live 10 hours away.

Then why is FIL making the trip? Don't tell me they're staying the weekend. Hotel. Hotel. Hotel.

Hotel for sure. But FIL wants to paint a "happy family" picture, so forces these get togethers periodically. Plus, he probably does want to see his grandson, which he has not seen very often (due to this tension with the GF).

[Anonymous]

First, for DH's sanity, he should have a heart-to-heart with his father and express that DH needs to have some private father-son time for just the two of them, even if it is only going out to dinner just the two of them once every several visits. He then can vent and tell things to his father without the constant eavesdropping, unpleasant critical commentary, etc from the GF. He should tell his father that if they can meet once in a while just the two of them, then he will behave and play nicely with the GF the other times they visit. Having even infrequent time alone should help him maintain his cool the other times when he has to put up with the GF.

I agree that you need to contact the GF before their visit for DS's birthday and spell out the rules for her as 15:27 suggests. Tell her that you will let her know when she is behaving inappropriately and when she needs to dial back her behavior or go into the next room to avoid a scene. When she denies and says "Who me?" you can respond, "Good, I'm glad that we won't have to have a scene at the birthday party because you won't cause a scene." Then when (note, not if) she says something inappropriate, just say "Gloria, you remember what we talked about? This is one of those times." and if she tries to play innocent and deny it just say "Gloria, why don't you step into the kitchen for a few minutes." and if necessary, escort her there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It'll be hard for them to pull that cr*p at Chuck E Cheese. 1 party, if they want to biotch at you, they'll have to follow you into the tunnels to do it.

Uhh... you think so?

http://gawker.com/5742769/watch-an-all+out-fight-in-chuck-e-cheese