is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not read twenty pages of this thread but I really hope that my kids don’t get married until they are in their 30s. Every single wedding
I went to for people who met in college and got married afterwards has ended in divorce. None of the couples who married in their 30s or later have gotten divorced.

You simply change so much over the course of 18-28/30. It’s also the time to find out who YOU are without constraints of being defined by another person or your family. Divorce is really hard and traumatic to people. It permanently scars kids. Blended families never work. I just wouldn’t want my kids to put themselves at such a high risk for a bad outcome.

As for where they live, I want them to go where they are happy. If that’s very far away, it’s OK. I view my job as a parent as giving them life not stealing theirs to extend mine.

Better have kids and divorce than marry in 30s, have kids close to their 40s and either fertility struggle or you’ll be a very old grandma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems parents here are hoping to control who and when their kids date or marry?

It’s DCUM, they think they can control everything

Yes but it used to be conservatives who controlled so their kids marry early and in same race and religion. Now its liberals wanting their young adults to postpone dating until 25, marriages until 35 and kids after 40 if any. Also in same town and higher financial tier. Nothing wrong with either but its not a decision for parents to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is quite the thread - I find the honesty refreshing actually, even if it is racist, classist, etc.

These are all factors we as parents think about. It's hard out there to make a good living nowadays, even as a super smart kid. Job security and high pay are not as guaranteed as they were when we were graduating.

I def don't want DD to bring home MAGA, although I can't imaging that happening. That would be a serious parenting fail.

And yes, I want her spouse to be from a somewhat similar SES, doesn't have to be as wealthy, but debt would be a huge burden. I'm ok with kid of tech immigrant - they're actually more down to earth than some others.

Yes, I would consider helping kid with down payment on a house - I mean, why not if you can afford it?

Very interesting comment from a PP that inherited wealth trumps salary.

Do you all talk to your kids about all these things? Or just hope for the best?

Mom of white immigrant tech kid here. He’s set to graduate with no debt (hopefully), but probably wont have a down payment. Also good looking. Hopefully he’ll be able to find someone like your DD

Most high end earners and possessors of wealth don’t obtain that status through inheritance or by virtue of their parents. Of course for those who receive inherited help it is a significant advantage. DCUM’s population is generally desirable - people with sound habits, concern about education and the future of their children, and so on. But unless one really focuses on accumulating enough capital to at least get some breathing space, it isn’t easy for our kids.

The real dividing line is that our economy as with other developed economies heavily favors capital over labor. I can attest to this personally. I come from nothing and a poverty stricken and abusive home. But for the incentives caused by necessity, I never would have done so well. I say this because while the capital preference is accurate, it is such a heavy and ponderous message to give to young people. I embraced it because I was already in a dark place and saw reality. I feel foolish even mentioning this concept to young people, because there’s a lot more to life than accumulating capital and avoiding relying on a fickle and arbitrary labor market to draw economic rents. But it really matters. The biggest economic attribute we all can control is the avoidance of debt. This sounds preachy but as a desperately poor person at one time debt would have impeded my life, particularly from a psychological point of view.

Just observations

I also come from poverty and was thinking that maybe my pathological avoidance of debt (paid cash for my car for example) was something just that, pathological. I have a friend who went into debt for her MBA and it paid off. I would never! So maybe it’s just my poverty thinking? I don’t know but I’m going to encourage DS to have no debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not something I'm worried about, but interestingly, for both of my daughters that is part of their "plan."

They have a lot of single older cousins so maybe that has influenced them plus the general societal angst about how hard it is to find someone and how horrible dating is in this day and age.

It’s unlikely. Grad school is a good time though.

+1 my kids have zero interest in finding a spouse in college. I know a lot more people who met their spouses in grad school vs undergrad

My general experience has been that high achieving men marry their grad school girlfriends, much to the chagrin of their college girlfriends.

Just FYI that the demographics of law school are moving towards 60% female as well (it’s 58% now), much like undergrad. Every year, it skews more female.

My experience was that MBA programs have far more people already in serious relationships or married because you don’t attend until like 26 on average.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read twenty pages of this thread but I really hope that my kids don’t get married until they are in their 30s. Every single wedding
I went to for people who met in college and got married afterwards has ended in divorce. None of the couples who married in their 30s or later have gotten divorced.

You simply change so much over the course of 18-28/30. It’s also the time to find out who YOU are without constraints of being defined by another person or your family. Divorce is really hard and traumatic to people. It permanently scars kids. Blended families never work. I just wouldn’t want my kids to put themselves at such a high risk for a bad outcome.

As for where they live, I want them to go where they are happy. If that’s very far away, it’s OK. I view my job as a parent as giving them life not stealing theirs to extend mine.

Better have kids and divorce than marry in 30s, have kids close to their 40s and either fertility struggle or you’ll be a very old grandma

True.

A woman who waits until 30 only has a 50/50 chance of becoming a mother.

At age 35, her chances drop to 15%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not something I'm worried about, but interestingly, for both of my daughters that is part of their "plan."

They have a lot of single older cousins so maybe that has influenced them plus the general societal angst about how hard it is to find someone and how horrible dating is in this day and age.

It’s unlikely. Grad school is a good time though.

+1 my kids have zero interest in finding a spouse in college. I know a lot more people who met their spouses in grad school vs undergrad

My general experience has been that high achieving men marry their grad school girlfriends, much to the chagrin of their college girlfriends.

Just FYI that the demographics of law school are moving towards 60% female as well (it’s 58% now), much like undergrad. Every year, it skews more female.

My experience was that MBA programs have far more people already in serious relationships or married because you don’t attend until like 26 on average.

Med schools are also 60/40 female now.
The DCUM whole "wait until you're in grad school/med school/law school to meet a guy" is outdated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:or is that outdated now? it seems much less common than it was, say 30 years ago.
If you are, is it worth making sure their school is the right fit for it and if not, transfer?

Currently have a HS senior interested in big rah rah and greek life...

What a peculiar thing to worry about.

Are you an anxious person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not worried, no.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is destined for one of the Ivies; her books include 2 legacy parents as well as grandparents, significant alumni giving over many years, etc. Admission is not in doubt.

However, we do feel some trepidation at the rapidly growing demographic crisis affecting our respective Alma maters and how it may affect the pool of eligible suitors for her.

Troll

[Anonymous]

Um, no. I am 48. Almost no one I know met their spouse in college.

IF they want to get married, I recommend meeting a spouse AFTER college between ages 23-31.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. It’s too young. OMG.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regarding the concern of kids meeting a partner in college: My peers had 2 waves of marriage. First group was around mid to late 20's after college/grad school and the other wave was late 30's. The latter 30's group were professional woman who struggled to find a partner. These were all smart, beautiful and fun women. It's more difficult outside of school, particularly these days with workplace restrictions on dating due to possible grounds for harassment. We have 3 kids. One met partner in college (married age 28), 1 met a coworker and hid their relationship for 2 years, and 1 is in college and still dating a hs boyfriend long distance. I also have 3 beautiful single nieces age 28-34 that are struggling to meet someone and so frustrated with online dating. Gone are the days of meeting someone at a party, bar or work. Its not easy... Although I am in no rush to have my kids marry, I am aware of the current challenging dating dynamics and limitations outside a school and workplace environment.

The hot guy is either gay, his jewish mom said only jewish girls or they won't pay for college and law school, or fits in both of these

My Jewish ex GF broke up with me after her parents threatened to cut her off if she didn’t date/ marry a Jewish man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read twenty pages of this thread but I really hope that my kids don’t get married until they are in their 30s. Every single wedding
I went to for people who met in college and got married afterwards has ended in divorce. None of the couples who married in their 30s or later have gotten divorced.

You simply change so much over the course of 18-28/30. It’s also the time to find out who YOU are without constraints of being defined by another person or your family. Divorce is really hard and traumatic to people. It permanently scars kids. Blended families never work. I just wouldn’t want my kids to put themselves at such a high risk for a bad outcome.

As for where they live, I want them to go where they are happy. If that’s very far away, it’s OK. I view my job as a parent as giving them life not stealing theirs to extend mine.

Better have kids and divorce than marry in 30s, have kids close to their 40s and either fertility struggle or you’ll be a very old grandma

True.

A woman who waits until 30 only has a 50/50 chance of becoming a mother.

At age 35, her chances drop to 15%

That is absolute nonsense. Fertility myth has been dubunked.

(Second kid at 37, unplanned, one time sex in years. So much research has debunked the fertitilty cliff at 35 that it is not even funny. Even generations ago, women had kids well into their late 30s. Both my grandmothers did. And most women had their last kids in their late 30s.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read twenty pages of this thread but I really hope that my kids don’t get married until they are in their 30s. Every single wedding
I went to for people who met in college and got married afterwards has ended in divorce. None of the couples who married in their 30s or later have gotten divorced.

You simply change so much over the course of 18-28/30. It’s also the time to find out who YOU are without constraints of being defined by another person or your family. Divorce is really hard and traumatic to people. It permanently scars kids. Blended families never work. I just wouldn’t want my kids to put themselves at such a high risk for a bad outcome.

As for where they live, I want them to go where they are happy. If that’s very far away, it’s OK. I view my job as a parent as giving them life not stealing theirs to extend mine.

Better have kids and divorce than marry in 30s, have kids close to their 40s and either fertility struggle or you’ll be a very old grandma

True.

A woman who waits until 30 only has a 50/50 chance of becoming a mother.

At age 35, her chances drop to 15%

That is absolute nonsense. Fertility myth has been dubunked.

(Second kid at 37, unplanned, one time sex in years. So much research has debunked the fertitilty cliff at 35 that it is not even funny. Even generations ago, women had kids well into their late 30s. Both my grandmothers did. And most women had their last kids in their late 30s.)

Thank you for clearing up the fearmongering. About a decade ago, my doctor told me that my fertility would start declining once I turned 40. A lot of professional women I know had children in their mid- to late 40s, so partnering sometime in the 23-35 year range, in my view, would be ideal, and kids certainly have better judgment after their brains are fully developed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read twenty pages of this thread but I really hope that my kids don’t get married until they are in their 30s. Every single wedding
I went to for people who met in college and got married afterwards has ended in divorce. None of the couples who married in their 30s or later have gotten divorced.

You simply change so much over the course of 18-28/30. It’s also the time to find out who YOU are without constraints of being defined by another person or your family. Divorce is really hard and traumatic to people. It permanently scars kids. Blended families never work. I just wouldn’t want my kids to put themselves at such a high risk for a bad outcome.

As for where they live, I want them to go where they are happy. If that’s very far away, it’s OK. I view my job as a parent as giving them life not stealing theirs to extend mine.

Better have kids and divorce than marry in 30s, have kids close to their 40s and either fertility struggle or you’ll be a very old grandma

At least it’s better to take the risk that the person you meet and marry young works out vs fertility issues, increased cancer risk from late first pregnancy and, at the very least, just being really old trying to raise kids, which from experience is very hard. I love my kids and would never change them, but wish I had them younger.