Parents getting upset about any group invitation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few times I’ve gone out of my way and started a separate group chat to include her and then said “Hi! I’m going to ice cream and the park the celebrate school getting back together!” Like it if you’re coming.. even when I knew everyone was coming because we discussed in our own text. We are all adult friends and have been since the kids are babies. We hang out without the kids a lot more than we get together with the kids. The mom makes no effort back and has never initiated anything so it feels odd she’s this upset. As I said, when I do include her she often blows it off. It’s like she wants the invite but doesn’t care about going.

Why a separate group chat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously you are not going to coordinate 110 families - only coordinate with the boys then. You can ask once, then make a group chat with any takers. That will winnow it down naturally to a manageable number and no one can rightfully get bent out of shape later. I know some people don’t like grade chats but I find them helpful for this kind of stuff, sharing intel on camps, doctors, blah blah. The bottom line IMO is that you can choose either to be more welcoming or deal with the blowback of being the leader of a clique. But I’m not feeling too sorry for your plight if all you want to do about is come here and complain.

With great power comes great responsibility OP.

Great power? I am talking about dropping into a gym class that’s advertised to everyone. I find the reaction entitled. She could also initiate too. If you’re going to complain about not getting invited to something, make an effort yourself to show up or say thank you for the invite to prior attempts.

Yes but there is a reason you did not send your casual text to HER when you made the effort to text 4-5 others…and she is picking up on the exclusionary piece of that.
Yes she could have initiated, but she didn’t. YOU did initiate—but your outreach to specifically coordinate and co firm attendance at the drop-in thing did not include her and was obvious that a coordinated attendance was agreeed upon and orchestrated without her.

No—she is not “entitled” to be included but it is hurtful to NOT be included if she is supposed to be considered a friend. And the issue is probably that you don’t really consider her to be a friend….but you also aren’t particularly seeking to anger her. You just don’t enjoy her and that’s fine. But you can’t both exclude her AND make her feel okay about that, OP.
That’s gaslighting.
You don’t really like her but you include her because she’s around and you don’t want to look like a mean girl mom.
But even your tactics of inclusion are “mean girl” if I’m being honest.
As another poster pointed out—she doesn’t want to be an “add on” afterthought but that’s exactly how you treat her when you say “a group of us are getting ice cream—you should come” or “some of us are going to the park, would you like to join?”
On the surface that may feel inclusive to you and you may even think you are being so gracious to extend your circle to invite her….but OP, that only conveys that initial plans have been made and agreed upon within a smaller group that she is NOT included in and then after the plan was set, you loop her in (whether or not the time or activity works for her schedule is not a consideration—as she is clearly not part of the “A” list group.)—-but aren’t you a sweetheart for inviting her? Why isn’t she showing any interest??
I just want you to acknowledge that to you, the issue is her ingratitude and entitlement.
But to her—the issue is that this group of moms is pretending to like her and include her, but in reality they don’t do either and she is hurt.

DP but wow -- you really nailed the dynamics here in a really specific and insightful way! In particular I like how you broke down the way that telling someone who is clearly on the outside of a friend group "hey a group of us are doing X, you should join" tends to emphasize that person's outside status. I had never really thought about that before but have been on both sides of an invite like that and yes, that's exactly why that kind of invite feels so different than an actual extension of friendship.

And yes, you are right, part of what is happening here is that OP is resentful of feeling like she *has* to include this woman, at least sometimes, because their kids are friends and at the same school. OP doesn't want to include her and would really prefer to just do things with her actual friends. So it's 100% an obligation based on the kids' connection and not a genuine effort to get to know this woman or develop a friendship with her, and of course this woman picks up on that and is put off by it, thus the standoff and noncommittal behavior.

I also relate to the idea of recognizing you are essentially getting pity invites or obligatory invites and it making you feel more hostile than you would if you were just totally excluded, because it's an impossible situation. If you say yes and go, you have to be there knowing they would prefer you not come. But if you decline, then it's your own fault that you aren't included. It's a no win situation.

But actually you’re wrong. I’m very aware how that comes off and I’ll start a new text saying “Does anyone want to meet for ice cream w the kids?” so she doesn’t feel like an outsider or late invite and people chime in as if they are hearing it for the first time. I mentioned that. As I mentioned, I have invited this woman to dozens of things over the years and she has never initiated one time and more times than not doesn’t even rsvp or respond. I’m sorry but she’s in no position to be upset if she’s not included one time. No one gets invited to everything.

You didn’t and haven’t done anything wrong. At all. Just stop trying and wasting your energy with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously you are not going to coordinate 110 families - only coordinate with the boys then. You can ask once, then make a group chat with any takers. That will winnow it down naturally to a manageable number and no one can rightfully get bent out of shape later. I know some people don’t like grade chats but I find them helpful for this kind of stuff, sharing intel on camps, doctors, blah blah. The bottom line IMO is that you can choose either to be more welcoming or deal with the blowback of being the leader of a clique. But I’m not feeling too sorry for your plight if all you want to do about is come here and complain.

With great power comes great responsibility OP.

Great power? I am talking about dropping into a gym class that’s advertised to everyone. I find the reaction entitled. She could also initiate too. If you’re going to complain about not getting invited to something, make an effort yourself to show up or say thank you for the invite to prior attempts.

Yes but there is a reason you did not send your casual text to HER when you made the effort to text 4-5 others…and she is picking up on the exclusionary piece of that.
Yes she could have initiated, but she didn’t. YOU did initiate—but your outreach to specifically coordinate and co firm attendance at the drop-in thing did not include her and was obvious that a coordinated attendance was agreeed upon and orchestrated without her.

No—she is not “entitled” to be included but it is hurtful to NOT be included if she is supposed to be considered a friend. And the issue is probably that you don’t really consider her to be a friend….but you also aren’t particularly seeking to anger her. You just don’t enjoy her and that’s fine. But you can’t both exclude her AND make her feel okay about that, OP.
That’s gaslighting.
You don’t really like her but you include her because she’s around and you don’t want to look like a mean girl mom.
But even your tactics of inclusion are “mean girl” if I’m being honest.
As another poster pointed out—she doesn’t want to be an “add on” afterthought but that’s exactly how you treat her when you say “a group of us are getting ice cream—you should come” or “some of us are going to the park, would you like to join?”
On the surface that may feel inclusive to you and you may even think you are being so gracious to extend your circle to invite her….but OP, that only conveys that initial plans have been made and agreed upon within a smaller group that she is NOT included in and then after the plan was set, you loop her in (whether or not the time or activity works for her schedule is not a consideration—as she is clearly not part of the “A” list group.)—-but aren’t you a sweetheart for inviting her? Why isn’t she showing any interest??
I just want you to acknowledge that to you, the issue is her ingratitude and entitlement.
But to her—the issue is that this group of moms is pretending to like her and include her, but in reality they don’t do either and she is hurt.

DP but wow -- you really nailed the dynamics here in a really specific and insightful way! In particular I like how you broke down the way that telling someone who is clearly on the outside of a friend group "hey a group of us are doing X, you should join" tends to emphasize that person's outside status. I had never really thought about that before but have been on both sides of an invite like that and yes, that's exactly why that kind of invite feels so different than an actual extension of friendship.

And yes, you are right, part of what is happening here is that OP is resentful of feeling like she *has* to include this woman, at least sometimes, because their kids are friends and at the same school. OP doesn't want to include her and would really prefer to just do things with her actual friends. So it's 100% an obligation based on the kids' connection and not a genuine effort to get to know this woman or develop a friendship with her, and of course this woman picks up on that and is put off by it, thus the standoff and noncommittal behavior.

I also relate to the idea of recognizing you are essentially getting pity invites or obligatory invites and it making you feel more hostile than you would if you were just totally excluded, because it's an impossible situation. If you say yes and go, you have to be there knowing they would prefer you not come. But if you decline, then it's your own fault that you aren't included. It's a no win situation.

But actually you’re wrong. I’m very aware how that comes off and I’ll start a new text saying “Does anyone want to meet for ice cream w the kids?” so she doesn’t feel like an outsider or late invite and people chime in as if they are hearing it for the first time. I mentioned that. As I mentioned, I have invited this woman to dozens of things over the years and she has never initiated one time and more times than not doesn’t even rsvp or respond. I’m sorry but she’s in no position to be upset if she’s not included one time. No one gets invited to everything.

You didn’t and haven’t done anything wrong. At all. Just stop trying and wasting your energy with her.

+1. Sometimes you have to break up with a man, because it’s the right thing to do. Still he gets upset.

You can’t spam 110 people about get togethers, she doesn’t want to be in the group chat, and she’s not friendly. She might be upset, but you also need to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m having a hard time trying to navigate this situation. I have a group of friends who I talk to pretty often, daily for the most part. We got together for an end of year party at someone’s house the last day. It was about 8 kids and their families. Another mom found out ahead of time and instead of just asking to be included got extremely upset, angrily confronting almost every mom going and demanding to know why her child wasn’t included. Host said sorry just ask next time of course he can go. So now moving forward, I always try to be aware and I’ll text her saying “oh we are going to meet at Jill’s house to Trick or Treat” or “we are going to the park and grabbing ice cream to celebrate school starting” I’ve done this maybe 5 times and she’s always super non committal, doesn’t even say thanks for invite or anything, just very aloof. She can’t seem less interested. You can go and join the kid’s gym class on Fridays. It’s an open thing advertised in the newsletter weekly. I messaged a few moms and said I was going and 4 of us went. I did not reach out to her but we don’t talk at all aside from me sending our invites to things, she might text me once every 6 months with a question and we don’t hang out at all, my kids have never done a playdate with hers. Her child told her and now she’s furious and giving everyone the silent treatment who went and told 2 people she’s angry. What would you make of the situation?

I wanted to respond directly to your comment before reading the other MANY comments, but I might respond to those in a few minutes as well. This mother is clearly emotionally very immature and maybe struggles with perceived rejection. It is really inappropriate for her to be putting her insecurities on her child; she's not only harming possible friendships for herself, but harming her daughter, who is going to struggle socially and emotionally.

I try to send a group text to the parents of my child's friends whenever I think of a group activity, even something super casual. Here are some examples of casual meet-ups for the park, sledding, ect. "Hi everyone! We are headed to x park to go roller skating this afternoon if anyone wants to join us! " "Hi everyone! I'm off with the kids today and we are thinking about heading over to x park to go sledding and may walk over to x place for lunch after if anyone wants to join us! I'm happy to pick up a kiddo if needed".

Sometimes parents don't respond, other times parents respond but they can't make it, and sometimes it works out and we have an amazing time. If I notice that a parent has simply not been responding at all to any of the messages, I definitely check in with my child to see how things are going with that friend (just a casual check-in about if they are having fun, ect.). I will sometimes respond to my child by saying, "I didn't hear back from x's mom/dad, they must be busy! That happens sometimes".

Option 1-If you value the connection with this other parent or just want to make sure the ball in their court and you've said your peace, then you could send a message to other parent and say something that acknowledges "miscommunication" and that you desire to clear the air. You could highlight that you've done your best to send group invites but since you hadn't heard back and she hasn't come to anything in x times, you thought they weren't interested.

option 2- Another option is to not engage at all with this parent. You should definitely encourage your daughter to still be kind and include this other child during play at school, ect. and make sure your daughter knows that you'd be happy to meet-up for a playdate and to just have your daughter tell the other child to have her mom reach out if she wants to meet up....that puts it still in her court.

Regardless of what you do with this other parent, I would 100% reach out your daughter's school counselor (assuming all of the kids are at school together). The school counselor can process some of this with each child as needed and/or it could highlight the need for some different SEL interventions or support for that other child's family. There could be other things going on that is impacting her behavior (likely is).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few times I’ve gone out of my way and started a separate group chat to include her and then said “Hi! I’m going to ice cream and the park the celebrate school getting back together!” Like it if you’re coming.. even when I knew everyone was coming because we discussed in our own text. We are all adult friends and have been since the kids are babies. We hang out without the kids a lot more than we get together with the kids. The mom makes no effort back and has never initiated anything so it feels odd she’s this upset. As I said, when I do include her she often blows it off. It’s like she wants the invite but doesn’t care about going.

Why a separate group chat?

Because the others are close friends that talk everyday. This woman is someone I maybe talk via text once every few months. We aren’t friends. It comes up in conversation with the others because we are already chatting daily.

[Anonymous]

I just commented above at "9:07" with my initial thoughts and I read through the first 7 pages or so.

After reading the follow-up comments from you OP, I think this sounds more like a parent-friendship/relationship issue than a child-friendship-parent connection issue. I got that there are 110 kids in your child's grade at school, but within this group of "mom friends" , who have all known each other since the kids were babies...how big is that? I imagine it is MUCH smaller (which is totally fine). I'm guessing 10-20ish? Maybe max 30? I would still touch base with the school counselor so they can be aware of some challenging dynamics and provide support as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously you are not going to coordinate 110 families - only coordinate with the boys then. You can ask once, then make a group chat with any takers. That will winnow it down naturally to a manageable number and no one can rightfully get bent out of shape later. I know some people don’t like grade chats but I find them helpful for this kind of stuff, sharing intel on camps, doctors, blah blah. The bottom line IMO is that you can choose either to be more welcoming or deal with the blowback of being the leader of a clique. But I’m not feeling too sorry for your plight if all you want to do about is come here and complain.

With great power comes great responsibility OP.

Great power? I am talking about dropping into a gym class that’s advertised to everyone. I find the reaction entitled. She could also initiate too. If you’re going to complain about not getting invited to something, make an effort yourself to show up or say thank you for the invite to prior attempts.

Yes but there is a reason you did not send your casual text to HER when you made the effort to text 4-5 others…and she is picking up on the exclusionary piece of that.
Yes she could have initiated, but she didn’t. YOU did initiate—but your outreach to specifically coordinate and co firm attendance at the drop-in thing did not include her and was obvious that a coordinated attendance was agreeed upon and orchestrated without her.

No—she is not “entitled” to be included but it is hurtful to NOT be included if she is supposed to be considered a friend. And the issue is probably that you don’t really consider her to be a friend….but you also aren’t particularly seeking to anger her. You just don’t enjoy her and that’s fine. But you can’t both exclude her AND make her feel okay about that, OP.
That’s gaslighting.
You don’t really like her but you include her because she’s around and you don’t want to look like a mean girl mom.
But even your tactics of inclusion are “mean girl” if I’m being honest.
As another poster pointed out—she doesn’t want to be an “add on” afterthought but that’s exactly how you treat her when you say “a group of us are getting ice cream—you should come” or “some of us are going to the park, would you like to join?”
On the surface that may feel inclusive to you and you may even think you are being so gracious to extend your circle to invite her….but OP, that only conveys that initial plans have been made and agreed upon within a smaller group that she is NOT included in and then after the plan was set, you loop her in (whether or not the time or activity works for her schedule is not a consideration—as she is clearly not part of the “A” list group.)—-but aren’t you a sweetheart for inviting her? Why isn’t she showing any interest??
I just want you to acknowledge that to you, the issue is her ingratitude and entitlement.
But to her—the issue is that this group of moms is pretending to like her and include her, but in reality they don’t do either and she is hurt.

DP but wow -- you really nailed the dynamics here in a really specific and insightful way! In particular I like how you broke down the way that telling someone who is clearly on the outside of a friend group "hey a group of us are doing X, you should join" tends to emphasize that person's outside status. I had never really thought about that before but have been on both sides of an invite like that and yes, that's exactly why that kind of invite feels so different than an actual extension of friendship.

And yes, you are right, part of what is happening here is that OP is resentful of feeling like she *has* to include this woman, at least sometimes, because their kids are friends and at the same school. OP doesn't want to include her and would really prefer to just do things with her actual friends. So it's 100% an obligation based on the kids' connection and not a genuine effort to get to know this woman or develop a friendship with her, and of course this woman picks up on that and is put off by it, thus the standoff and noncommittal behavior.

I also relate to the idea of recognizing you are essentially getting pity invites or obligatory invites and it making you feel more hostile than you would if you were just totally excluded, because it's an impossible situation. If you say yes and go, you have to be there knowing they would prefer you not come. But if you decline, then it's your own fault that you aren't included. It's a no win situation.

But actually you’re wrong. I’m very aware how that comes off and I’ll start a new text saying “Does anyone want to meet for ice cream w the kids?” so she doesn’t feel like an outsider or late invite and people chime in as if they are hearing it for the first time. I mentioned that. As I mentioned, I have invited this woman to dozens of things over the years and she has never initiated one time and more times than not doesn’t even rsvp or respond. I’m sorry but she’s in no position to be upset if she’s not included one time. No one gets invited to everything.

You didn’t and haven’t done anything wrong. At all. Just stop trying and wasting your energy with her.

+1

She sounds like she likes to be a perpetual victim.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if she perceives some of these invitations as courtesy invitations that she’s supposed to know better than to actually accept. This is a really stupid dynamic that is rampant in my family of origin. Where sometimes “Let’s do lunch!” or “stop by anytime!” are social niceties, not actual sincere invitations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just commented above at "9:07" with my initial thoughts and I read through the first 7 pages or so.

After reading the follow-up comments from you OP, I think this sounds more like a parent-friendship/relationship issue than a child-friendship-parent connection issue. I got that there are 110 kids in your child's grade at school, but within this group of "mom friends" , who have all known each other since the kids were babies...how big is that? I imagine it is MUCH smaller (which is totally fine). I'm guessing 10-20ish? Maybe max 30? I would still touch base with the school counselor so they can be aware of some challenging dynamics and provide support as needed.

It’s FIVE of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if she perceives some of these invitations as courtesy invitations that she’s supposed to know better than to actually accept. This is a really stupid dynamic that is rampant in my family of origin. Where sometimes “Let’s do lunch!” or “stop by anytime!” are social niceties, not actual sincere invitations.

You’re never going to be everyone’s closest friends due to the nature of relationships.

Find your own people and if you get a fri fringe invite and you want to go, just go. I often get last minute invites from friends or casual friends and often join. It’s not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if she perceives some of these invitations as courtesy invitations that she’s supposed to know better than to actually accept. This is a really stupid dynamic that is rampant in my family of origin. Where sometimes “Let’s do lunch!” or “stop by anytime!” are social niceties, not actual sincere invitations.

You’re never going to be everyone’s closest friends due to the nature of relationships.

Find your own people and if you get a fri fringe invite and you want to go, just go. I often get last minute invites from friends or casual friends and often join. It’s not a big deal.

Agree. My kids are at a small school and some moms who are close threw out a weekend trip offer "if anyone else wants to come." A place I wanted to go that my husband has no interest in!
Did they invite others to be polite? Of course.
Did they want me to come? Probably not.
I still enjoyed myself. We will never be best friends but that's ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if she perceives some of these invitations as courtesy invitations that she’s supposed to know better than to actually accept. This is a really stupid dynamic that is rampant in my family of origin. Where sometimes “Let’s do lunch!” or “stop by anytime!” are social niceties, not actual sincere invitations.

You’re never going to be everyone’s closest friends due to the nature of relationships.

Find your own people and if you get a fri fringe invite and you want to go, just go. I often get last minute invites from friends or casual friends and often join. It’s not a big deal.

Agree. My kids are at a small school and some moms who are close threw out a weekend trip offer "if anyone else wants to come." A place I wanted to go that my husband has no interest in!
Did they invite others to be polite? Of course.
Did they want me to come? Probably not.
I still enjoyed myself. We will never be best friends but that's ok.

I also think people sort of create this narrative “they didn’t actually want me to go” but in reality a lot of people who are pretty social and inclined to organize these things do enjoy getting to know people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People need to learn how to make their own friends. Who cares if you’re not in the “clique” even if there is one. Find your own group.

For all we know this woman has other friends. I think the issue is that these are the dynamics at the school. From OP's anecdotes, it seems apparent the woman is upset about her kid being left out, not her. The issue has been kids talking about parties her son wasn't invited to, and him feeling left out when other kids' moms showed up for gym class but his mom wasn't there.

Maybe her hostility stems from frustration that in order for her son to feel included with these kids, she has to deal with their moms. Maybe she wishes the clique didn't exist, not because she's jealous and wants to be in it, but because it would be easier if there was no clique and she could just arrange playdates with the other kids without these dynamics.

I will say my favorite families to interact with are often the ones who don't want a lot from me socially, because I already have social commitments and don't really need a lot more. There's a family we know where our kids exchange playdates every week. They are nice but our only interaction is just hi and buy at the playdates and texts regarding logistics. It's just easy and the girls are good friends without us having to do a lot. It's such a relief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People need to learn how to make their own friends. Who cares if you’re not in the “clique” even if there is one. Find your own group.

For all we know this woman has other friends. I think the issue is that these are the dynamics at the school. From OP's anecdotes, it seems apparent the woman is upset about her kid being left out, not her. The issue has been kids talking about parties her son wasn't invited to, and him feeling left out when other kids' moms showed up for gym class but his mom wasn't there.

Maybe her hostility stems from frustration that in order for her son to feel included with these kids, she has to deal with their moms. Maybe she wishes the clique didn't exist, not because she's jealous and wants to be in it, but because it would be easier if there was no clique and she could just arrange playdates with the other kids without these dynamics.

I will say my favorite families to interact with are often the ones who don't want a lot from me socially, because I already have social commitments and don't really need a lot more. There's a family we know where our kids exchange playdates every week. They are nice but our only interaction is just hi and buy at the playdates and texts regarding logistics. It's just easy and the girls are good friends without us having to do a lot. It's such a relief.

There’s nothing stopping her from organizing playdates. As I said she’s never initiated anything. It’s really weird to care about a group of 5 people
hanging out when there’s over 100 families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People need to learn how to make their own friends. Who cares if you’re not in the “clique” even if there is one. Find your own group.

For all we know this woman has other friends. I think the issue is that these are the dynamics at the school. From OP's anecdotes, it seems apparent the woman is upset about her kid being left out, not her. The issue has been kids talking about parties her son wasn't invited to, and him feeling left out when other kids' moms showed up for gym class but his mom wasn't there.

Maybe her hostility stems from frustration that in order for her son to feel included with these kids, she has to deal with their moms. Maybe she wishes the clique didn't exist, not because she's jealous and wants to be in it, but because it would be easier if there was no clique and she could just arrange playdates with the other kids without these dynamics.

I will say my favorite families to interact with are often the ones who don't want a lot from me socially, because I already have social commitments and don't really need a lot more. There's a family we know where our kids exchange playdates every week. They are nice but our only interaction is just hi and buy at the playdates and texts regarding logistics. It's just easy and the girls are good friends without us having to do a lot. It's such a relief.

There’s nothing stopping her from organizing playdates. As I said she’s never initiated anything. It’s really weird to care about a group of 5 people
hanging out when there’s over 100 families.

You say your kids are friends at school but have never done playdates together. Does your kid do playdates with your friend's kids?