If you don’t like your child’s spouse, please keep it to yourself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't disagree with this but wander what is the best way for a parent to express legitimate concerns?

Once, privately, with a probing question or two. That's it. Then you DROP IT. You have to trust your child to make the right choice for them. Even if it's not the choice YOU would make for them. After that you are just attempting to fight a losing battle. And yes, you will be the one who looses.

Say your child is infatuated with an alcoholic, you ask a probing question and drop it?

I would say that if your child is infatuated with an alcoholic - they KNOW this already, and the fact that they are involved with this person says a lot about your child (the child you raised). You have finished raising this person and now can only listen and support- if asked. I do think probing questions could be useful when brought up at the right time- to feel things out. Also IME if you are involved with an alcoholic you are probably a heavy drinker yourself...most others would not tolerate it. At least in the beginning of a relationship...and most people don’t become alcoholics out of the blue, either.

All assuming we are discussing a financially independent adult child 25ish or older (not a college kid)

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, some MIL's are petulant children, and were never good parents, to begin with. If the DIL is very different (or in my case, completely opposite) than the MIL - the MIL may take that as a personal affront, particularly if the MIL tends to be narcissistic. That, and there are some people you will never please, and that is okay.

Maybe you married a people pleaser, and MIL expected that people pleaser DH would marry someone more like her. Joke is on her!

But really, you don't have to kowtow to someone who is impossible. MIL is DH's job, not yours. MIL should be warm and welcoming, and set an example, as the elder of the family. If MIL can't act like an adult, you can't possibly adult for the two (three?) of you, she is asking too much. You owe her nothing, really.

I would feel differently if MIL was warm and welcoming, but I know who I am, I have manners, and I have nothing to prove. If MIL is threatened because you are different than her, that is on her to reconcile within herself, not you.

I come from a big, warm, close family that literally grew up together - we were not perfect, but I have no apologies for who I am - and I have not "done anything" to MIL, and she knows it. I have always worked hard for what I have. Truth is, MIL knows very little about me, after all these years. I have faced my share of inaccurate judgements from her and hers.

I would feel differently if MIL offered to help in her younger years, or whatever - but now, after her regular barbs, I am just not interested. DH has done more than enough for his family, and they only wanted more. I let DH do what he wants - or doesn't want - as he is a grown adult, and neither of us will be treated like children. It is difficult when you know that your MIL was an emotionally abusive and checked out parent, at best - and your DH had a terrible upbringing because of her.

PP here. I would actually like to say this to my bitchy MIL who thinks she is the greatest - as if no one is aware of her Jekyll and Hyde schtick. Would it be so awful if I did this? Talk me out of it. I want to be the better person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the Bible it says to honor your father and mother. Why would you not honor them and marry someone they disapprove of ? By breaking one of the ten commandments you are setting yourself up to burn in hell

Hi, MIL. Yes, we're aware of your oft-stated opinion that we are both going to burn in hell. As DH says, better to burn in hell together than spend one moment in heaven with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the Bible it says to honor your father and mother. Why would you not honor them and marry someone they disapprove of ? By breaking one of the ten commandments you are setting yourself up to burn in hell

Ok well another poster did honour her parents and married someone they approved of. She is miserable.

So I guess by honouring your parents you set yourself up for a lifetime of misery.

The bible also says to leave and cleave. So I guess it depends what is advantageous to you when you pick and choose your verses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup, my MIL couldn't hide it. Though it wasn't so much about me, but how deeply upset she was about "losing" her son. She made our first few years of marriage really stressful and did some serious damage to our relationship. We could have had a much closer relationship if she'd just learned to bite her damn tongue early on. Instead, we have a formal, arm's length relationship and at my core, I don't trust her with my feelings at ALL.

This is me as well. MIL now tries but I am not interested at all.

I keep her at arms length.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup, my MIL couldn't hide it. Though it wasn't so much about me, but how deeply upset she was about "losing" her son. She made our first few years of marriage really stressful and did some serious damage to our relationship. We could have had a much closer relationship if she'd just learned to bite her damn tongue early on. Instead, we have a formal, arm's length relationship and at my core, I don't trust her with my feelings at ALL.

Are you me?

[Anonymous]

I am definitely not who my MIL would pick for her son. I am the wrong religion. My family comes from the wrong part of the country. She wasn't happy about "losing" her son even though he had been married before and hadn't lived with her for over a decade when we got married. She is also really high maintenance which I won't humor. I think she would probably like things to be different now, but I just don't think she can help herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose parents made it abundantly clear that they thought my then-fiance (now husband) was a worthless piece of crap, THANK YOU!

OP here. And in my DH’s case, my mom also made it plain she DID like my sister’s husband, which only rubbed salt in the wound. It would have been easier somehow if she disliked them both.

Are you me? My mom lives with us and it's so blatantly obvious she hates my husband. She has from day 1. But she LOVES my sister's husband.

As long as she treats him respectfully, she is entitled to her thoughts and feelings.

Why do you allow her to live with you. Your spouse should come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the Bible it says to honor your father and mother. Why would you not honor them and marry someone they disapprove of ? By breaking one of the ten commandments you are setting yourself up to burn in hell

Hahahahaha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't disagree with this but wander what is the best way for a parent to express legitimate concerns?

Once, privately, with a probing question or two. That's it. Then you DROP IT. You have to trust your child to make the right choice for them. Even if it's not the choice YOU would make for them. After that you are just attempting to fight a losing battle. And yes, you will be the one who looses.

Say your child is infatuated with an alcoholic, you ask a probing question and drop it?

I would say that if your child is infatuated with an alcoholic - they KNOW this already, and the fact that they are involved with this person says a lot about your child (the child you raised). You have finished raising this person and now can only listen and support- if asked. I do think probing questions could be useful when brought up at the right time- to feel things out. Also IME if you are involved with an alcoholic you are probably a heavy drinker yourself...most others would not tolerate it. At least in the beginning of a relationship...and most people don’t become alcoholics out of the blue, either.

All assuming we are discussing a financially independent adult child 25ish or older (not a college kid)

I think you have some misconceptions about alcoholism. To the original question, if your child is in a relationship with an alcoholic or experiencing domestic violence, please don’t assume your child is a deeply flawed person beyond hope. Let your child know you are always there and you can help in whatever way is needed. It can be difficult to get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup, my MIL couldn't hide it. Though it wasn't so much about me, but how deeply upset she was about "losing" her son. She made our first few years of marriage really stressful and did some serious damage to our relationship. We could have had a much closer relationship if she'd just learned to bite her damn tongue early on. Instead, we have a formal, arm's length relationship and at my core, I don't trust her with my feelings at ALL.

DH here OMG you could be my wife.

In my case, my mothers interaction with my wife, and how she felt about losing me and the way she went about expressing herself made me distance myself from her even more so.

relationship with my Dad is great though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the Bible it says to honor your father and mother. Why would you not honor them and marry someone they disapprove of ? By breaking one of the ten commandments you are setting yourself up to burn in hell

Hahahahaha

Bible also said to love the sinner but hate the sin...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose parents made it abundantly clear that they thought my then-fiance (now husband) was a worthless piece of crap, THANK YOU!

OP here. And in my DH’s case, my mom also made it plain she DID like my sister’s husband, which only rubbed salt in the wound. It would have been easier somehow if she disliked them both.

Are you me? My mom lives with us and it's so blatantly obvious she hates my husband. She has from day 1. But she LOVES my sister's husband.

So she loves your sister's husband, hates yours but she lives with YOUR family? What's behind that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the Bible it says to honor your father and mother. Why would you not honor them and marry someone they disapprove of ? By breaking one of the ten commandments you are setting yourself up to burn in hell

LOL. Go away.

[Anonymous]

When a MIL is nasty or has a Jekyll and Hyde thing going on with the DIL - the reason is often because the MIL sees everything she is not in the DIL.

The DIL is everything that MIL is not, and the MIL knows that and resents that.

Ladies that are going through this - take that as a compliment - your DH chose you for that reason - exactly because you are the opposite of his horrendous MIL. Your DH is fully aware of how terrible his mom is - he picked you on purpose!