what does it feel like to want to have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I relate to how you feel about this - we were much more on the fence, and the only "feeling" we ever had that led us to have our child was a fairly logic-based feeling that 40 more years of the DINK thing we were doing might get boring and leave us out of some life experiences that would help us connect to other people.

Similar for me. I actually did feel that gnawing aching feeling while I was engaged. It was an overwhelming maternal feeling. We adopted a dog and it went away. I never felt it again. We ended up trying for a baby because we thought down the line and saw a child in our future. DH wanted one more than I did. I got pregnant quickly. I love our son and am so glad we have him but I haven’t felt the maternal urge again so we’re sticking with one kid and a dog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need to ask this question, you’re not meant to be a parent. You would have made sure there were kids in your life already.

This isn't true and unfair. I wasn't sure I wanted to be a mom, but I didn't want to wake up one day (like OP at 45) and wish I'd had kids. I think 45 is too late...especially if your partner doesn't want children. Even when I was pregnant I wasn't excited, I was full of nerve. But now that my daughter is a few years older, I am so happy I took the leap of faith and became a mom. She is my life. It's not the same until it's your own child.

This is OP again: to be clear, I still don't want kids. I want to understand and appreciate what the feeling of wanting kids is like. I do not have that feeling myself. Curious about your experience - not trying to decide anything for myself.

(I think it is possible I will one day wake up and want grandkids. But, as I said above, I don't think that it would have been right to have kids only in order to increase the odds of having grandkids later. What if I had kids like me, who didn't want kids?)

[Anonymous]

It never crossed my mind to not want to have kids! It was far more about timing so we waited four years after we were married to get started. Both my DH and I came from very happy families and it simply felt like the natural thing to do. We were both very comfortable around babies and toddlers so there was no fear.

[Anonymous]

I never had the physical urge/ache, just always thought I'd have 2 kids, like most people I knew. A lot of it is environmental conditioning. It helps that I already like babies and kids. But, if I lived in a culture where being childless is the norm, I could see myself go that route too; I'd certainly not have jumped through the IVF hoop to get pregnant.

When I got married in my early 30s, my parents immediately got on my case about having kids soon. The pressure was relentless. Then my dad got cancer and beseeched me to have kids soon. It was a mess. Then I discovered that we had IF issues. So it became this huge goal to strive for. I think the OP's analogy is apt. There was envy of other women who had no problem getting pregnant. There was also a sense of failure.

Long story short, I did get pregnant after IVF. My dad passed away a few months after my son was born, so it was like a gift to have those months together. Then got pregnant naturally. Now our family of 4 feels complete.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never had the physical urge/ache, just always thought I'd have 2 kids, like most people I knew. A lot of it is environmental conditioning. It helps that I already like babies and kids. But, if I lived in a culture where being childless is the norm, I could see myself go that route too; I'd certainly not have jumped through the IVF hoop to get pregnant.

When I got married in my early 30s, my parents immediately got on my case about having kids soon. The pressure was relentless. Then my dad got cancer and beseeched me to have kids soon. It was a mess. Then I discovered that we had IF issues. So it became this huge goal to strive for. I think the OP's analogy is apt. There was envy of other women who had no problem getting pregnant. There was also a sense of failure.

Long story short, I did get pregnant after IVF. My dad passed away a few months after my son was born, so it was like a gift to have those months together. Then got pregnant naturally. Now our family of 4 feels complete.

Oh, gosh - I'm so sorry you lost your dad. I'm glad he and your child were able to spend time together.

[Anonymous]

Having kids is a pain in the butt. DH and I avoided having one for 12 years - through 6 years of dating and 6 years of marriage. Then suddenly there came an ache so deep to have a baby of our own that it caught us by surprise. When we decided to have a kid and got pregnant (within 2 months after ditching BC) my DH could not even wait for the 9 months. He wanted the baby NOW. To wait for the 40 weeks was a torture for both of us.

The second one was easier because we knew we wanted to relive the experience that we were having with the firstborn but also we wanted our firstborn to have siblings. The pregnancy flew by and I used to feel the happiness swirling and rising inside of me like actual champagne bubbles. The moment my second was born and I looked at my DH and both my kids in the hospital room I felt a great sense of relief - as if my family was complete and home at long last.

[Anonymous]

I had to be convinced to have kids. I agreed logically, but didn't have that feeling. Then, after I had two, and the younger was maybe 1 or 2 years old, that feeling hit--briefly, for maybe a couple days? I can't remember. It started with a dream, and then I woke up, and I JUST WANTED A BABY. This was amusing to me, as I'd never had it before. It didn't make me seriously have a third child, I was done with two for various health/logistical reasons, and the feeling went away and hasn't come back (my younger is now 6). I have no idea what that was all about.

For me, the older my kids get, the more used to them I am, the more I fall in love with them, and the more they make my life meaningful, but I didn't set out with the idea that my life lacked meaning until they came along. I feel like I would have been fine without kids, if my DH was against it (instead, he was much more pro-kids than I was, and I knew he'd make a good dad--which he is).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having kids is a pain in the butt. DH and I avoided having one for 12 years - through 6 years of dating and 6 years of marriage. Then suddenly there came an ache so deep to have a baby of our own that it caught us by surprise. When we decided to have a kid and got pregnant (within 2 months after ditching BC) my DH could not even wait for the 9 months. He wanted the baby NOW. To wait for the 40 weeks was a torture for both of us.

The second one was easier because we knew we wanted to relive the experience that we were having with the firstborn but also we wanted our firstborn to have siblings. The pregnancy flew by and I used to feel the happiness swirling and rising inside of me like actual champagne bubbles. The moment my second was born and I looked at my DH and both my kids in the hospital room I felt a great sense of relief - as if my family was complete and home at long last.

This is OP - and that's really lovely!

[Anonymous]

With my first: Like an emptiness. Very emotional and sobbing when it did not happen for almost two years.

With second - just a pull / readiness for one more.

[Anonymous]

OP, there’s a lot of great posts on here.

For me, I was always ambivalent about wanting (or not wanting) children. I met my partner at 28 and he was pretty clear about not wanting them. I figured it was fine... I mean, I never seemed to have that URGE, like “everyone else”. We had a really great life with our careers and dogs, and friends, and to be honest, it never felt empty for a moment.

The years went by, and usually at most, it was a tiny voice in th back of my head saying “what if”?

As my 40s approached, that voice got louder, and it literally felt like a physical ache at times. That being said, I never told my partner, as I already had known what I signed up for, and I accepted every sacrifice I had made. It doesn’t mean I didn’t curl up in a ball on the floor, bawling my eyes out in grief. For me, I didn’t know if I could choose the life I had/ wanted over the life I thought I wanted. It was a really weird time.

When HE approached me about kids, it was like a punch to the gut. I actually felt terror, even though I’d been feeling the same thing for so long.

We made a very conscious decision to become parents. I actually cried in fear when my HPT came back positive, because I still wasn’t sure, despite those nights wanting, in a different kind of tears.

Our daughter is now 2. This will sound like the most cliché thing ever, but my life is changed. It’s not been easy, and I can’t say it’s always for the best. But I also would move heaven and Earth for her smile and a hug.

And for me... there is no need for “more”. I don’t want, I don’t miss, I don’t anything. It was the right decision, but it was still a weird one, in retrospect. Looking back, I’m still surprised by how strongLy my own attitude changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there’s a lot of great posts on here.

For me, I was always ambivalent about wanting (or not wanting) children. I met my partner at 28 and he was pretty clear about not wanting them. I figured it was fine... I mean, I never seemed to have that URGE, like “everyone else”. We had a really great life with our careers and dogs, and friends, and to be honest, it never felt empty for a moment.

The years went by, and usually at most, it was a tiny voice in th back of my head saying “what if”?

As my 40s approached, that voice got louder, and it literally felt like a physical ache at times. That being said, I never told my partner, as I already had known what I signed up for, and I accepted every sacrifice I had made. It doesn’t mean I didn’t curl up in a ball on the floor, bawling my eyes out in grief. For me, I didn’t know if I could choose the life I had/ wanted over the life I thought I wanted. It was a really weird time.

When HE approached me about kids, it was like a punch to the gut. I actually felt terror, even though I’d been feeling the same thing for so long.

We made a very conscious decision to become parents. I actually cried in fear when my HPT came back positive, because I still wasn’t sure, despite those nights wanting, in a different kind of tears.

Our daughter is now 2. This will sound like the most cliché thing ever, but my life is changed. It’s not been easy, and I can’t say it’s always for the best. But I also would move heaven and Earth for her smile and a hug.

And for me... there is no need for “more”. I don’t want, I don’t miss, I don’t anything. It was the right decision, but it was still a weird one, in retrospect. Looking back, I’m still surprised by how strongLy my own attitude changed.

This is OP - and wow, goosebumps! I feel like the common thread between all these stories is that the urge really is something that comes from within - not a logical choice, but almost like being starving for a really specific food, if that makes sense. I'm so curious how this happens - it raises so many questions about the body/mind connection, and consciousness, and bio-determinism. I wish I were a psychologist or philosopher who could really make sense of this.

I guess the other interesting thing is that for some people these urges come on so strongly, and unexpectedly - so even if folks feel like they really are done, what's to say your body won't tell you to try again at some point?

And I wonder too if people ever get that overwhelmingly powerful feeling at a time when it's really just not possible - like are there 75 year olds who suddenly start feeling that physical pang for a baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thanks for this thread OP. I'm about to turn 30 and am super ambivalent about kids and wonder how I am supposed to know if I want them or not

I was too. My husband and I got married at 27/28, met at 24/25. We were not interested in kids at all when we met. It was something long in the future, distant thought.

We loved being DINKS. We traveled frequently. We had a group of couple friends that we got together to go out to fancy dinners, happy hours every weekend. We traveled together too. We then lived abroad...still no feeling

At 34, I didn't have the feeling--but I felt like something was missing in life. I was bored with the everyday. Things seemed less meaningful. As my parents were getting older the thought of them never meeting my 'future' children weighed on me.

DH and I completely over-analyzed everything about heavy kids. I had endless, needless worry about the possibility of not liking it once we did it. I worried endlessly about special needs and defects, etc.

Then one night--we were like 'wth, let's see what happens'. Well--just like they tell you in Sex ED--I got pregnant on the first try at age 34 (almost 35). I had an extremely easy pregnancy and delivery---but it wasn't until I held my newborn in my arms that I was a goner. 100%% ga-ga, over the moon in love. I knew almost immediately I wanted another child. I wanted them 2.5 years apart and hoped for another boy---and boom---pregnant first try again at 37.

Kids are 10 and 13. They had a very close relationship with the grandparents, uncles/aunts/cousins. We have loved every single minute of being parents.

Honestly, it's such a big decision. I really think the most important decision in anyone's life. We really took a long time to get there. I won't say I ever had a 'biological clock feeling'. But, I think it had to happen the way it did for me to get there.

[Anonymous]

it's a deep yearning that you cannot stop thinking about, or imagine not happening to you.

[Anonymous]

The rest of life seems trivial in comparison to the joy of raising a family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm female (I think that makes a difference) and have one kid.

I don't. I just think that more women feel the urge than men. And perhaps they have a desire to be pregnant vs just to have children. But I think the biological imperative is there, to procreate and have children.

Obviously, I am a man. I have known since I was a child that I wanted to have children when I was an adult. My parents are naturalized Chinese Americans and perhaps it is something that is cultural, but I did not imagine I would go through life without children unless something went wrong with my life. As a teen, I babysat for many kids. When I was a young adult, I often bonded with friends' children. So much so that when my friends threw me a surprise 30th birthday party, they made sure to invite all of my friends with children. There is a great photo from the party where I am surrounded by about 14-15 children under about age 8 and I am having a great time with them. My party and despite having a ton of friends at the party, I still spent a significant chunk of my time with the kids.

Unfortunately, my LTR in my 20s ended when I was 28. And I had no prospects for a few years. I actually considered a gestational surrogate and donor egg, but at the time, the costs were prohibitive for me. I met my wife until I was almost 34 but we didn't get married until I was 37. And my wife had some health issues we had to deal with. We started trying when I was 42 and the journey was long and hard and we finally had twins (with a lot of help) when I was age 46. I had many friends who were not at all surprised. I frequently heard from close friends that they couldn't imagine me without children.

For me, it was a strong feeling that something was missing from my life. My life did not feel complete. I was satisfied with a career that I enjoyed, I had enough disposable income that allowed me to do many of the things that I wanted to do. But there was always something missing. I was so happy to meet my wife and she does complete me in many ways. But it wasn't enough. For me, it is similar to having a passion that calls to you, like art, music, dance, sport for some. There is a part of you that feels the call of the passion at all times and when you aren't encouraging your passion, it still pulls on you. When I was young, I did have a passion for music. I played music competitively and competed in national events. I played for 10 years. At the competition, I saw the difference between me and some of the others. The ones with the true passion, you could see that they almost glowed when they played. They reveled in the music and playing made them whole. I didn't have that much passion for music. It is very important, but I was able to give it up because I wanted to focus on other things in life. But there are some that cannot and that it fulfills them. That's similar to my feeling of parenting. It fulfills me and makes me feel whole.

So while I didn't have the urge to have children per se, I did have a feeling that I was not complete and my life was not complete without children.