Should the ex spouse be mentioned in the obituary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the ex wife and mother of his kids, I say no.

Same here.

[Anonymous]

No, it is not proper etiquette to include the ex spouse in the obituary even if a parent to surviving grandchildren. The marriage is a legal contract. An ex spouse is not a member of the family.

Is the ex spouse going to be buried next to the grave, too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth mention the ex???

What if you have multiple exes...do you mention all of them?

If you have common courtesy you do. Especially if it was marriage of 10 years or more and they have kids. Even just "John Smith is survived by his loving wife Elizabeth Smith, three kids Jack Smith, Margaret Smith, and Rachel Smith, as well as his parents Mitchell and Barbara Smith and his children Alex Smith-Ross and Sarah Smith-Ross by Elana Ross. He was a father, brother, and loving member of the community blah blah blah".

This is the way I have always seen it done -- mentioned ONLY as the mother to the children. I've never seen an ex-wife included who wasn't the mother of the decedent's children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems very petty and potentially hurtful to the children. But you never know why they did this.

Probably the MIL is not a nice woman. Really weird and rude.

I'm totally going to leave out my MIL if my spouse dies.

[Anonymous]

I read newspaper obituaries all the time. There's probably a difference between the official obituaries written by the papers and the obituaries submitted by the family and which go into the paid section (I don't read those).

In the professional obituaries, ex wives/husbands are usually mentioned if the marriage lasted for some time. Usually something like this: "John Doe is survived by his wife of ten years, Larla Doe, and his children, Baby Doe #1 and Baby Doe #2 and five grandchildren. His marriage of 25 years to the former Jane Doe ended in divorce in 19XX."

It does seem like this will happen if there are children from the first marriage. Marriages that lasted a few brief years decades ago are generally not included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it is not proper etiquette to include the ex spouse in the obituary even if a parent to surviving grandchildren. The marriage is a legal contract. An ex spouse is not a member of the family.

Is the ex spouse going to be buried next to the grave, too?

This is so weird - even common law relationships are included in the obituary. If it was part of do robes life - unless they murdered the person - they’re in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone dies and has an ex and kids, sure.

If someone dies and is remarried with kids plus the kids from the first marriage, no. He would be survived by his wife and children/ not the ex.

Some of you don't seem to get that being divorced means you're no longer family. It's cool if you personally here as a DCUM commenter are still friendly with your ex but generally speaking no, a divorce means you the divorced party don't get family privileges any longer. It would be disrespectful to the new spouse to say the deceased is survived by an ex spouse, and also untrue.

That is just untrue in many situations, including mine. Of course we had some rough patches in the beginning, navigating this new family structure but we are a family.

I’m the new wife (if you’re a regular reader I’m the one with a big - 29 yr age difference)

DHs obit will very likely read; survived by his children; oldest, middle, youngest (by Susie Ex) and his wife and stepdaughter, Me and DD.


He was married to Susie Ex for 25 years and they had 3 kids together. Of course her name will be in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems very petty and potentially hurtful to the children. But you never know why they did this.

Probably the MIL is not a nice woman. Really weird and rude.

I'm totally going to leave out my MIL if my spouse dies.

That would be weird, unfeeling, and not helpful to future generations who get family info from obituaries.

[Anonymous]

If the ex is deceased before current marriage I would list them with details. If the ex is alive and they remained friendly I would list their name only with any other special friends/relatives in the survived by section. If they divorced and moved on I wouldn't mention the ex at all.

Divorce is rare in both my mom and dads family (I know of two a great uncle and uncle) so growing up I never saw a mention of an ex. I went to a funeral with my college boyfriend 20 years ago and was shocked how they listed his three ex wives and separated the children by marriage.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t want my ex included in mine, but if I read it in someone else’s I probably wouldn’t even pause. Everyone’s marriage (or former marriage) is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never re-married. If my ex is in my obit, it will be referring to her as the cause of my early death, and as a whore and a junkie.

My relatives would probably throw her out of the church if she shows up at the funeral.

I think I married your ex....her addiction is the whore part LOL

Anyway, if an ex is not in an Obit then there is probably a reason: Infidelity would be a primary reason. My STBX won’t be in mine for that reason. And yes, my family would probably have her escorted off the church premises ASAP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing wrong with leaving out the ex, no matter how long they were together. Obituaries usually list surviving family, not everyone who had an important part in the person’s life. After all, how often do you see life-long friends listed in someone’s obituary?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it is not proper etiquette to include the ex spouse in the obituary even if a parent to surviving grandchildren. The marriage is a legal contract. An ex spouse is not a member of the family.

Is the ex spouse going to be buried next to the grave, too?

You don't mention ex spouses. Obits are to notify friends, family or acquaintances of the death. Also, it's solely up to the surviving spouse or next in line. Our exes are not part of our family etc. We wouldn't even think to include them, lol.

[Anonymous]

Obviously the new wife wrote the obituary and excluded the first wife from it. But the first wife should at least have been mentioned as the mother of his three children. So, assuming new wife was originally his affair partner (is there any doubt)--hoes gonna hoe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as the children from the first marriage are listed properly there is no need to mention the ex in my opinion.

My BILs step monster (the other woman) listed her adult (in their 30s to 40s when the affair started) as his dad's children in 5he obituary preceeding his actual children. As in Joe was 5he loving father to her adult children 1-3, then his actual children 1-3 (who had a relationship with both him and her even after the affair).

That is wrong. In my opinion it ahould have been loving father to ctual children and stepfather to her adult children that he did not meet until they were middle aged.

She also put his blood grandch8ldr3n last and her blood grandchildr3n first, left off his family members who maintained a relationship with wife 1, cremated him before his out of town children could fly in5o town (they flew in the next morning) and told his children a time an hour after the actual internment.

But leaving exwife off the obituary? That is okay.

As I said--hoes gonna hoe.

The very fact that in OP's example the first wife and mother of the children was left out is telling you the second wife was originally the affair partner and caused the divorce, and is a bitch.