Together for the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Thanks! Yes, I hope so. We both have very good careers so money won't be an issue. I feel like once the kids are bigger I can just go if I want. But, for right now, I like the idea of being with them everyday and giving them a solid homelife, even if it is not optimal for me personally (in the romance dep't anyway).

Except that money may actually be an issue. If you wait until you are 50 to get divorced, you have less time to rebuild your finances, and you will like need more than 1/2 of the family pot.

Your partner will also be 50 and will also have "less time to rebuild their finances" and will also need more than 1/2 of the family pot.

You can't both have more than half.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

I agree with this. Even had a discussion about it with my young teenager. He was saying that he thinks DH and I get along better now and are happier because we don't fight like we did a few years ago. Truth is, we don't care anymore. But, in the kid's view, everything is fine.

You all are teaching your kids what a "happy" marriage looks like - and modeling "we don't care anymore" behavior. That can't be healthy for a kid's understanding of a "happy" marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Thanks! Yes, I hope so. We both have very good careers so money won't be an issue. I feel like once the kids are bigger I can just go if I want. But, for right now, I like the idea of being with them everyday and giving them a solid homelife, even if it is not optimal for me personally (in the romance dep't anyway).

Except that money may actually be an issue. If you wait until you are 50 to get divorced, you have less time to rebuild your finances, and you will like need more than 1/2 of the family pot.

Not saying you shouldn't stick it out, but I would start planning for a single-person's retirement now.

That doesn't make any sense. The longer you stick together the more time you have consolidated expenses (primarily housing) and can amass greater savings even if you have to split the money up in the end. This scenario assumes a low conflict situation where both parties are reasonably prudent at budgeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Thanks! Yes, I hope so. We both have very good careers so money won't be an issue. I feel like once the kids are bigger I can just go if I want. But, for right now, I like the idea of being with them everyday and giving them a solid homelife, even if it is not optimal for me personally (in the romance dep't anyway).

Except that money may actually be an issue. If you wait until you are 50 to get divorced, you have less time to rebuild your finances, and you will like need more than 1/2 of the family pot.

Not saying you shouldn't stick it out, but I would start planning for a single-person's retirement now.

That doesn't make any sense. The longer you stick together the more time you have consolidated expenses (primarily housing) and can amass greater savings even if you have to split the money up in the end. This scenario assumes a low conflict situation where both parties are reasonably prudent at budgeting.

Right, Sell the big, expensive house, split the money, have your 401k and other savings and enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

I agree with this. Even had a discussion about it with my young teenager. He was saying that he thinks DH and I get along better now and are happier because we don't fight like we did a few years ago. Truth is, we don't care anymore. But, in the kid's view, everything is fine.

You all are teaching your kids what a "happy" marriage looks like - and modeling "we don't care anymore" behavior. That can't be healthy for a kid's understanding of a "happy" marriage.

It is healthy for them to understand that adult romantic relationships are not the most important thing in the world. And that wr don't just give up on our marriage and vows when the going gets tough. We are happy enough and we made our decision considering all the tradeoffs as a whole. I know enough miserable divorced people that I can't buy into that line of thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

I agree with this. Even had a discussion about it with my young teenager. He was saying that he thinks DH and I get along better now and are happier because we don't fight like we did a few years ago. Truth is, we don't care anymore. But, in the kid's view, everything is fine.

You all are teaching your kids what a "happy" marriage looks like - and modeling "we don't care anymore" behavior. That can't be healthy for a kid's understanding of a "happy" marriage.

It is healthy for them to understand that adult romantic relationships are not the most important thing in the world. And that wr don't just give up on our marriage and vows when the going gets tough. We are happy enough and we made our decision considering all the tradeoffs as a whole. I know enough miserable divorced people that I can't buy into that line of thinking.

So - if you didn't have kid would you still be together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

I agree with this. Even had a discussion about it with my young teenager. He was saying that he thinks DH and I get along better now and are happier because we don't fight like we did a few years ago. Truth is, we don't care anymore. But, in the kid's view, everything is fine.

You all are teaching your kids what a "happy" marriage looks like - and modeling "we don't care anymore" behavior. That can't be healthy for a kid's understanding of a "happy" marriage.

It is healthy for them to understand that adult romantic relationships are not the most important thing in the world. And that wr don't just give up on our marriage and vows when the going gets tough. We are happy enough and we made our decision considering all the tradeoffs as a whole. I know enough miserable divorced people that I can't buy into that line of thinking.

So - if you didn't have kid would you still be together?

I honestly don't know, but so what? I love who he is as a father, it makes me love him even when there isn't much else in my cold and cynical heart. And I am really not up for the joint custody thing. People stay together for the kids, but also because of them, those are two different things.

[Anonymous]

My parents stayed together for me. It became MY albatross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe that I have to swallow 10 more years.

Lucky guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents stayed together for me. It became MY albatross.

I'm sorry about that. I don't think people should put that burden on the kids. Only stay together if you can carve out a happy life, despite the dead relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents stayed together for me. It became MY albatross.

I'm sorry about that. I don't think people should put that burden on the kids. Only stay together if you can carve out a happy life, despite the dead relationship.

Nobody is saying stay forever. Just that it can make a lot of sense to wait until the kids are out. Being an adult child of divorce can be really hard too, you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

I agree with this. Even had a discussion about it with my young teenager. He was saying that he thinks DH and I get along better now and are happier because we don't fight like we did a few years ago. Truth is, we don't care anymore. But, in the kid's view, everything is fine.

The kid is telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

I agree with this. Even had a discussion about it with my young teenager. He was saying that he thinks DH and I get along better now and are happier because we don't fight like we did a few years ago. Truth is, we don't care anymore. But, in the kid's view, everything is fine.

The kid is telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

ok, so what would you people suggest? Divorce in a low conflict situation in order to find something better, be personally happier alone, show the kids that parental happiness is paramount? Stay together and let the kids see that while things aren't perfect, they aren;t that bad either and at least they have both parents in the house? Just have an affair and forget about the situation at home? It seems that there is no winning here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

I agree with this. Even had a discussion about it with my young teenager. He was saying that he thinks DH and I get along better now and are happier because we don't fight like we did a few years ago. Truth is, we don't care anymore. But, in the kid's view, everything is fine.

The kid is telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

ok, so what would you people suggest? Divorce in a low conflict situation in order to find something better, be personally happier alone, show the kids that parental happiness is paramount? Stay together and let the kids see that while things aren't perfect, they aren;t that bad either and at least they have both parents in the house? Just have an affair and forget about the situation at home? It seems that there is no winning here.

Yes. There is no good solution (other than healing your marriage). It is an individual decision based on your finances, your children's needs, your faith, your careers, and how you would be as co-parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can tell if you two aren't happy. Just end it now and move on.

Nope. Not if you're not openly fighting. Kids are too self-centered to notice "quiet indifference".

I agree with this. Even had a discussion about it with my young teenager. He was saying that he thinks DH and I get along better now and are happier because we don't fight like we did a few years ago. Truth is, we don't care anymore. But, in the kid's view, everything is fine.

The kid is telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

New poster here. Agree that the kid is telling you what you want to hear.

My parents co-existed but didn't like each other (and I knew this from a young age). I didn't learn what a healthy relationship looks like and it's been hard trying to figure it out in my own marriage.