Speaking of MILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Serious question OP: What would you like your MIL to do differently? It sounds like you simply do not like her. How does your DH feel anout her? Do your kids like her? My kids have no relationship with their grandparents, and that makes all of us sad.

I would like MIL to respect boundaries. I have tried to set them and MIL and FIL chose to ignore them. FIL told us we just have to understand that MIL has to do what she wants to do. DH ignores her. The kids like her well enough.

You can't change your MIL. That's the whole thing about people who push and do not respect boundaries. They cannot and will not, so they will push until you give in and your attempt at boundaries is crushed. That's just how it works. For example, you don't leave your front door open all night for any creep to get into your house. You don't just shut it, either. You lock it. And if you've experienced someone trying to break in, you get a stronger door and you get another deadbolt. And so on, taking as many measures as needed, until you're able to keep unwanted creeps out. You do not stand in the doorway and say, hey, guy, please don't come in and attack me, okay? Pretty please? Can't you change who you are, for me?

My MIL has no boundaries. She spends all her time trying to bulldoze others. She gets nowhere with me, but that never stops her. And if she's displeased because someone wouldn't do what she wants, that's her problem to handle, not mine. You have to have boundaries about that, too. It's not your problem if she doesn't like something. That's outside your boundary. And you can be perfectly polite and pleasant about all this. I've learned to be a thick steel wall, draped in soft warm velvet.

I'll tell you, it will always be horrible dealing with my MIL, but it was way worse before her son started seeing he needed to take a stand and set up boundaries too. If your husband can start seeing things differently and have your back, it will help. But it's really on you.

[Anonymous]

I think the OP's DH needs to support his wife. They need a united front. Ignoring his mother gives her the freedom to do as she pleases and ignore boundaries.
I don't have a MIL like this, so I'm only guessing here, but I would think consistency and never giving in on anything would set her back a bit. It takes effort, OP, especially if that's not your personality. I do not have an assertive personality but I had to learn to act assertive to get pushy people like your MIL off my back. There's no other way. As a PP said, she is not going to change, so you have to.