Feel Betrayed by Sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here.

I don't understand why everyone thinks this plan was thrust or forced upon her/us. Its just something we discussed as a family where we all, apparently wanted the same thing. It was like a mutual, unwritten expectation and understanding. All these years, I thought we had similar goals and she wanted the same thing! She'd always say things along the lines of, " I can't wait until we have a big family home like the Kardashians" or how, "I just want to have mommy live with me when she's older" etc.

Over the past year she has gone to say things more along the lines of, " I hate my family! No one gets me! I just want to leave somewhere and never come back! And no one will know what I'm doing!" She started not telling me where she was going or who she was with. She also started losing motivation and goals. All she talked about was how horrible corporate America is and how working is so pointless and all that matters is family and how her goal in life is to have children.

All this is good and well, its just...so sudden and so unexpected. She is welcome to do whatever she wants but you can't tell me it doesn't hurt me when she goes on rants about how she is sick of me and how she wants to disappear from our lives and how she chooses to not hang out with me and speaks ill of our parents.

I had to laugh at this line because my mother has said the same thing about my sister who is in her twenties.

Look, I'm an older sister so I understand your point. But you have to get out of the mentality that you need to supervise your sister. My mother used to ask me to tell this or that to my sister. It never went over well. Once I let my sister be her own person without any judgement our relationship got much better.

[Anonymous]

^ Exactly. Another older sibling here. Parents often engender a lot of anxiety and tension in older siblings and damage the relationship with the younger sibling for this reason. It's not good for either of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned her rich boyfriend--are you the OP of "Jealous of my sister's boyfriend"?

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/534957.page

You didn't answer--is that a yes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to get over it. She changed her mind, which she's entitled to do. The plan is off - accept it.

If I were you I'd work on finding out what her problem with you is and work to fix it. If you want a relationship with her in the future, that is.

I suspect that she's rebelling - you are a surrogate for your parents here in this country and you're inflicting the "plan" on her which she clearly doesn't want. All of what she's saying to you is telling you clearly to stop pushing it onto her. She doesn't want it.

If you want to have a relationship with her, stop being hurt and start accepting her and building a new relationship together.

This.

[Anonymous]

So was she not ever supposed to marry or have a family of her own?

[Anonymous]

OP I get it. You have every right to feel everything you're feeling, whether this dream was imposed by your parents or not.

The thing is, you don't get to decide your sister's path in life. It sounds like she didn't really know what she wanted and this "dream" seemed about as good a plan as any. Now she's having experiences she never anticipated and she wants to explore them. You don't have to like it, but if you really want to have any peace of mind, you need to put to bed your expectations of how your sister should live. It's only going to deepen the divide between you and make you miserable in the process.

So to your question, focus on living your own life, renegotiate your plan with your parents if you feel the burden on you is too much, and leave the door open for your sister to reincorporate you into her life if you truly value your relationship. You can waste a lot of time berating her, calling her selfish, admonishing her lack of ambition and all the other unhelpful behaviors you seem to have already sunk you teeth into. All it's gotten you is booted out of her life. Time for another approach.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like you might be a bit lonely. I'm sure you counted on your sister being there in many ways and now she's off with her boyffriend and not there for you. I think you could benefit from a little distance from her right now. Focus on your dreams and goals, make some new friends. I don't think your sister expected to fall in love, and it's a powerful feeling. So don't take her rejections too much to heart. As far as the family's dreams, they still may happen, but the path there may not be as straighforward as the original vision thought it would be or on not quite as grand a scale. I think your parents will be able to adjust and deal. I'm sure this isn't the first time life hasn't gone as smoothly as planned for them.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I understand I do not have the right to be upset at her for pursuing her dreams. Its not even that I'm upset that she did not follow the "plan" or "hopes and expectations" of our parents/family. They were never imposed on her. It was just an unwritten understanding on each our parts that these were our dreams. We would go to college. Get good grades, get good jobs, work hard, get into IVY league caliber graduate programs, establish ourselves as productive members in the american community. She seemed like she wanted that too. She applied to Brown from HS got rejected so she wound up at a State university. She then enrolled in Finance, because she said she wanted a high earning job. She never had any boyfriends or expressed interest in them. I have a boy-crazy sister, it would not be shocking if she announced tomorrow she wanted to go elope with a boy. I just kind of feel....betrayed like I didn't even know my sister because she goes from...not even a bleep about boys to...falling head over heels and being super serious with this guy she's been dating in the span of a year. Were our dreams not enough? What does he have that we/our family didn't?

I'm just so confused and hurt by it. I don't even know how to explain it. Of course I expected her to marry...SOMEDAY and I did not realize it would mean her being swallowed up in his gilded world, far away from us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the advice everyone. I understand I do not have the right to be upset at her for pursuing her dreams. Its not even that I'm upset that she did not follow the "plan" or "hopes and expectations" of our parents/family. They were never imposed on her. It was just an unwritten understanding on each our parts that these were our dreams. We would go to college. Get good grades, get good jobs, work hard, get into IVY league caliber graduate programs, establish ourselves as productive members in the american community. She seemed like she wanted that too. She applied to Brown from HS got rejected so she wound up at a State university. She then enrolled in Finance, because she said she wanted a high earning job. She never had any boyfriends or expressed interest in them. I have a boy-crazy sister, it would not be shocking if she announced tomorrow she wanted to go elope with a boy. I just kind of feel....betrayed like I didn't even know my sister because she goes from...not even a bleep about boys to...falling head over heels and being super serious with this guy she's been dating in the span of a year. Were our dreams not enough? What does he have that we/our family didn't?

I'm just so confused and hurt by it. I don't even know how to explain it. Of course I expected her to marry...SOMEDAY and I did not realize it would mean her being swallowed up in his gilded world, far away from us.

Ah yes, love is a powerful potion. Have you ever been in love?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the advice everyone. I understand I do not have the right to be upset at her for pursuing her dreams. Its not even that I'm upset that she did not follow the "plan" or "hopes and expectations" of our parents/family. They were never imposed on her. It was just an unwritten understanding on each our parts that these were our dreams. We would go to college. Get good grades, get good jobs, work hard, get into IVY league caliber graduate programs, establish ourselves as productive members in the american community. She seemed like she wanted that too. She applied to Brown from HS got rejected so she wound up at a State university. She then enrolled in Finance, because she said she wanted a high earning job. She never had any boyfriends or expressed interest in them. I have a boy-crazy sister, it would not be shocking if she announced tomorrow she wanted to go elope with a boy. I just kind of feel....betrayed like I didn't even know my sister because she goes from...not even a bleep about boys to...falling head over heels and being super serious with this guy she's been dating in the span of a year. Were our dreams not enough? What does he have that we/our family didn't?

I'm just so confused and hurt by it. I don't even know how to explain it. Of course I expected her to marry...SOMEDAY and I did not realize it would mean her being swallowed up in his gilded world, far away from us.

You have to remember not to take her choices so personally. They aren't about you, even if she claims they are. She is trying to figure out what she wants in life, and she's not going to do the sensible things she's been raised with, especially if you all keep insisting on them.

I also want you to remember that people want to be around people who are driven and interested and successful and ambitious. Find something you can pursue for yourself, something apart from the path your parents set for you. Share THAT with your sister in a casual way, with n obligation for her to invest or engage in any way. I guarantee it will help her to see you differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:... Its not even that I'm upset that she did not follow the "plan" or "hopes and expectations" of our parents/family. They were never imposed on her. It was just an unwritten understanding on each our parts that these were our dreams. ...

To me - and I think to many people here - the understanding of what hopes/expectations are "imposed" on offspring, and how they are imposed, is different from the understanding you seem to have. I would say that any "unwritten understanding on each our parts" within a family - especially in an environment where (as you said earlier) father chose the area of study for your sister, and the hopes/expectations included a lot of financial support to parents and siblings - has been "imposed." This does not mean that the parents were evil - not at all. It does not even mean that it was entirely the parents' doing. It could be generations and generations of culture, all weighing down on parents as well as on offspring.

And I don't mean to be culturally "othering" you, wherever you are from. There are many families and subcultures in this country that tend to do the same imposing of values, particularly including financial obligations, respect obligations to parents, and obligations to live the life that one's parents deem to be valuable.

And sometimes it takes a long time, well into one's 30s or longer, to realize "hey, you know, this is not actually what I wanted at all. i said that i did, and tried to convince myself that i did, but i realize know that i was parroting what i thought i was supposed to say and believe and feel." Common human psychology.

So please at least try to get past that word "betrayed" in the title of your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the advice everyone. I understand I do not have the right to be upset at her for pursuing her dreams. Its not even that I'm upset that she did not follow the "plan" or "hopes and expectations" of our parents/family. They were never imposed on her. It was just an unwritten understanding on each our parts that these were our dreams. We would go to college. Get good grades, get good jobs, work hard, get into IVY league caliber graduate programs, establish ourselves as productive members in the american community. She seemed like she wanted that too. She applied to Brown from HS got rejected so she wound up at a State university. She then enrolled in Finance, because she said she wanted a high earning job. She never had any boyfriends or expressed interest in them. I have a boy-crazy sister, it would not be shocking if she announced tomorrow she wanted to go elope with a boy. I just kind of feel....betrayed like I didn't even know my sister because she goes from...not even a bleep about boys to...falling head over heels and being super serious with this guy she's been dating in the span of a year. Were our dreams not enough? What does he have that we/our family didn't?

I'm just so confused and hurt by it. I don't even know how to explain it. Of course I expected her to marry...SOMEDAY and I did not realize it would mean her being swallowed up in his gilded world, far away from us.

This is ridiculous. Your sister isn't a machine. The majority of people do eventually marry or pair up. Also you do realize that marriage can very much benefit women, right? I pretty much doubled my income when getting married and we are building wealth together. Only mentioned that because you seem very hung up on success or your narrow definition of it. I don't see why becoming wealthy by working at an investment bank is that much better than becoming wealthy by marrying someone wealthy. I used to work in finance and would think that most normal loving marriages are way way more satisfying. Finance is boring.

[Anonymous]

How old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the advice everyone. I understand I do not have the right to be upset at her for pursuing her dreams. Its not even that I'm upset that she did not follow the "plan" or "hopes and expectations" of our parents/family. They were never imposed on her. It was just an unwritten understanding on each our parts that these were our dreams. We would go to college. Get good grades, get good jobs, work hard, get into IVY league caliber graduate programs, establish ourselves as productive members in the american community. She seemed like she wanted that too. She applied to Brown from HS got rejected so she wound up at a State university. She then enrolled in Finance, because she said she wanted a high earning job. She never had any boyfriends or expressed interest in them. I have a boy-crazy sister, it would not be shocking if she announced tomorrow she wanted to go elope with a boy. I just kind of feel....betrayed like I didn't even know my sister because she goes from...not even a bleep about boys to...falling head over heels and being super serious with this guy she's been dating in the span of a year. Were our dreams not enough? What does he have that we/our family didn't?

I'm just so confused and hurt by it. I don't even know how to explain it. Of course I expected her to marry...SOMEDAY and I did not realize it would mean her being swallowed up in his gilded world, far away from us.

This is ridiculous. Your sister isn't a machine. The majority of people do eventually marry or pair up. Also you do realize that marriage can very much benefit women, right? I pretty much doubled my income when getting married and we are building wealth together. Only mentioned that because you seem very hung up on success or your narrow definition of it. I don't see why becoming wealthy by working at an investment bank is that much better than becoming wealthy by marrying someone wealthy. I used to work in finance and would think that most normal loving marriages are way way more satisfying. Finance is boring.

If she marries this rich guy, she will personally be rich too by sharing in his lifestyle but it wouldn't benefit us very much besides maybe getting nice Christmas presents once a year. Say, our little brother needs help with tuition, would she be comfortable asking her husband to finance her little brother's education? I think not.

[Anonymous]

If she marries this rich guy, she will personally be rich too by sharing in his lifestyle but it wouldn't benefit us very much besides maybe getting nice Christmas presents once a year. Say, our little brother needs help with tuition, would she be comfortable asking her husband to finance her little brother's education? I think not.

Assuming that the quote above is from OP -

You do not seem like you are listening much, but instead are insisting on the correctness of your own values/plan/preferences as to what your sister does. Not sure what benefit you thought you were going to get from this board if you are insistent on the belief that you are right. I personally don't seek advice from strangers on the internet unless I am open to being swayed by what they say.