Young, socially awkward child: To redshirt or not to redshirt... that is the question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone for your thoughts, especially the PP who posted his own experience (although I know its just ONE person!)

Some of the posters here have hit on what I think is the source of the divide between his father and I: How much should the "social readiness" aspect play into this decision? I feel he's ready in all other respects. Its only the social aspect that worries me, but it worries me quite a bit. His father sees school as...well... school. In other words, he feels school is about academics and learning, and if he's bright enough to do those things reasonably well, we should send him. I take a much broader view of the impact of school. Kids spend so much time there, I think it is an integral part of their emotional and social development..., and it will probably have as big an impact (or maybe bigger?) on my child's overall development... his values, his feelings of self-worth, his social interactions... Often I think these life skills are more important than the subject matter being taught.

Some of you have opined that you don't think that is a good reason to hold back a kid who is otherwise ready. Others have stated that you think its THE most important factor to consider. In any event, I very much value the opinions stated by both camps, and appreciate the respectful dialog.

We have the issue on the opposite end of the spectrum (i.e. missing the cutoff), but what you said about the father perspective versus your perspective was interesting. I think my family is more like your husband - I mean they would consider the social aspect but academics would play a bigger role. I was at a preschool meeting where several parents had children that missed the cutoff or just made the cutoff and were boys no less and still forged ahead and are doing great. But I also think they knew their kids strengths and weaknesses and in some cases they stayed at the preschool longer in the more naturing environment but was later able to "skip" a grade so their kid had more time for the social issues but not at the expense of moving ahead academically if that makes sense. So my question would be if you stayed at the preschool, would the teachers have strategies and plans to help your son along socially i.e. leadership opportunite or assignments that would strengthen his self-esteem etc. and at the same time be willing to tailor his learning so he isn't repeating what he is currently doing? Would they be willing for example to start him with basic reading even though that is more of a K than Pre-K item? Do you think you may want to send him to private school? Often the private schools would want him to be a year older so if that is your plan, he would likely need to stay in preschool another year. Have you looked ahead at K - if your son's personality is such that he is very introverted, you may end up wanting the smaller class environment/more nurturing classroom for him and want to turn to private school. I had a friend that was extremely shy - wouldn't speak in school at all in kindergarten- so her parents ended up pulling her out to go to private school and it made all the difference. If you've gone to your local school - what are their thoughts on the issue? Do they have other kids that have had a similar background and what was done in those cases? It's a tough decision but I think whatever you decide - giving more weight to the social aspect and keeping him in preschool or more weight to academic and moving him to K - you would want to make sure the other side is still being addressed somehow.

[Anonymous]

having read all the threads, I think delaying is much a safer bet.

[Anonymous]

OP here. To 20:19, I think you ask some important questions, and you've hit on a little source of frustration for me...

We moved last year specifically to get into a public school district that we thought was excellent. For financial reasons, now that we've sunk lots of money into our pricey neighborhood, we're hoping we do NOT have to tack on private education.

I agree that an important part of this analysis depends on what the K is like at this elementary school. I've called twice now, to try to arrange a time to meet with the K teacher (or ANYONE) who can give me a better idea of what they think of this issue, and how my son would do in that environment. In short, they are blowing me off. Believe me, I've asked as nicely as possible, and I've reaffirmed for them that I don't intend to take 3 hours of their time. I want 15 minutes to talk to someone, and I've been told very directly that the Principal does not like the K teachers talking to parents of prospective students. And, although I understand that burden it places on schools, I'm disappointed in that mentality.

[Anonymous]

Will the principal sit down and talk to you?

[Anonymous]

I haven't reached him directly, but my distinct impression is "no".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't reached him directly, but my distinct impression is "no".

Is this a DCPS? My impression is that principals at DCPS are supposed to make themselves available to parents. If this isn't happening, you might want to reach out to Rhee, since your child will be there at some point (even if not for another year); she's big on accountability and getting rid of administrators who don't measure up.

[Anonymous]

I just talked to the principal of a private school at an open house last Friday. She was quite impressive, and the issue of delaying entry to K came up. She said in her 30 years of teaching, she's never once seen a family regret holding a child back a year, and that things like social development are just as important as intellectual. They all seem to even out by about grade 3 or 4 (I think).

[Anonymous]

MoCo principals are also supposed to make time.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Sadly we are in Ffx county. My plan was to give it a few weeks and call again. I can't tell if this really is the school's/principal's policy, or whether I'm just running into an overzealous gatekeeper.

[Anonymous]

OP -- that's a big red flag to me about the principal of your child's future school.

It may well be a fine school, and one that will be perfect for you child down the line. But if you are getting this kind of reaction from a prinaicpal (not wanting parents of prospective K students to talk to K teachers, inaccessible principal) chances are pretty good that your child's )(any child's) emotional and social development will not be big on that principal's list of things to care about. Even if you go and meeta kindy teacher or two and they seem to be really on the ball about children's emotional development, you'll have no guarantee that those same teachers will be there next year -- and you'll be stuck (probably) with the one-size-fits-all cookie cutter attitude of ths principal, who no doubt is overburdened with all sorts of No Child Left Behind testing mandates right about now.

I do recommend that you email or write the principal just asking to come observe kindergarten. I think school basically have to let you do that -- they might not have to let you actually talk to the kindergarten teachers. You might also wish to contact the school's PTA and ask if they have any kindergarten parents who might be willing to talk with you.

I worked at an alementary school in Fairfax County for many years, and we had a great principal who was very receptive to meeting with potential parents; didn't see them as an intrusion at all.

[Anonymous]

OP - I don't have much guidance to provide to you as I'm not in the same boat. My DS misses the cut-off for kindergarten by less than 2 weeks (early Oct birthday). I have to say, if he'd been born 2 weeks earlier, I would be having this exact same decision. I'm pretty sure though that I would have held him back a year. For some reason, my son's preschool class is filled with boys with October birthdays. They will all be almost 6 when they start kindergarten and none of us (the parents) are looking to start them early.

So...I guess I'm only adding this so you realize that even if you hold your son back, he is likely to be in a class with many kids almost his exact age. He won't be considered "old" or anything.

The fact that you even have these concerns makes me think that the answer is yes - redshirt your son. An extra year may very well make a big difference in his enjoyment of school - being a little more ready socially, more in line athletically...it really may make his experience all the better.

Either way, it is a hard decision. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Here is a parent that regrets not doing it - July bday. Every conference I have had K - 3rd grade have asked if he should repeat (socially he is fine, academically not as much, athletically would be better off one year behind due to some physical delays) - but it is 'too late'. I wish we had held him back or had him do private K and then public K. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sadly we are in Ffx county. My plan was to give it a few weeks and call again. I can't tell if this really is the school's/principal's policy, or whether I'm just running into an overzealous gatekeeper.

That's so unfortunate. We're in Arlington and last fall, when we began considering kindergarten issues, we emailed the principal to request a meeting to learn more about the school. She answered us directly within a few hours and also invited us to just wander the school - we met a couple of the kindergarten teachers although we didn't have any serious/substantive discussions with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is a parent that regrets not doing it - July bday. Every conference I have had K - 3rd grade have asked if he should repeat (socially he is fine, academically not as much, athletically would be better off one year behind due to some physical delays) - but it is 'too late'. I wish we had held him back or had him do private K and then public K. Good luck!

Why wouldn't they let your son repeat? That's really unfortunate. It's possible we may be looking at the same thing - July b-day, introverted/shy, having some difficulties academically. Honestly not sure an extra year would have made a difference with the academic or introverted/shy issues in DS' case, so we don't regret sending him to K. Still, it is difficult.

One of the teachers told us that the stuff they're currently doing in K in the past would've been stuff they'd do at the end of first grade -- so the curriculum in essence is being pushed down 18 months.

Seems to me that the solution really would be to have kindergarten start at age 6 for all and have that be mandatory.

[Anonymous]

I can see why it gets harder to hold a kid back as they get older.

Primarily, then you're stuck with a situation where your child gets to repeat 3rd grade, while all of his friends go on to 4th grade. Not only is your child old enough to feel and understand like he "failed"... but his former friends are there to remind him on a daily basis. I think there is considerable pressure not to hold a kid back after K, unless you absolutely have to. or, alternatively, you hold them back and switch schools-- which almost always means a change to private school and the resulting costs.