Sound of a Newborn's Cry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, this thread has gotten a little weird. OP, you are very passionate about your feelings and I applaud that. You are clearly attentive AND have done the homework to know what newborns need. Your many MANY posts, though, are making me wonder...you just seem, ummm, very wound up and a bit manic.

I hate listening to babies cry (WHO like it?!?!?!), and I am not even sure what the disagreements are about anymore, but certainly we can agree that not every mother who lets their baby cry is a bad mother. And not every person who thinks the crying is bad is correct in their assumptions. There is (almost) always more to the picture, isn't there?

I'm not manic. I'm just a lawyer. LOL Kidding aside, I do love children and I do volunteer work to help children. They are my passion. But I wish we'd get off the subjec of me. It really isn't about me or you or any moms feelings. It is just about whether the mom was wrong to ignore her newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here..No I absolutely did not go and check on that baby. Because I have been in situations like this before where I saw a shrieking newborn crying for a while and it upsets me too much emotionally to see parents neglecting their babies like that. Once I did more than just check on the baby, I actually commented to the mother who was ignoring her newborn (yes it was a newborn). I merely said, "Ohhhh, she doesn't seem too happy today!" The moms answer upset me too much because it showed either ignorance or an utter lack of concern. I have realized that there are neglectful parents out there. But we know that newborns need the most attentive caregiver as it promotes healthy growth- healthy neurological growth, emotional and psychological growth, and even physical growth. Newborns need to to held alot, they need to be cuddled, their cries should be answered promptly. And if they have special needs or reflux or sensory issues, they need to be soothed even more.

So, you really have no idea what the mother doing? How do you know that she wasn't in fact holding the baby? This may shock you but some babies will still shriek and sound as if they are in pain and distress even while the mother is holding them and trying their hardest to comfort them.

Also, I read your other post. You called CPS bc you witnessed a one time one moment incident between a mom and her 3 year old???? Yikes! Seriously, what you described did not fall under neglect. Get some help before somebody is calling CPS on you.

[Anonymous]

It really isn't about me or you or any moms feelings. It is just about whether the mom was wrong to ignore her newborn.

Actually, it isn't. The OP wondered how she could get that particular crying newborn out of her mind. Several of these responses suggested that perhaps OP was overreacting a little (understandably, given her infertility issues), which could have gone a long way to ease the OP's mind if in fact that was what she was after, as the original post claimed. Apparently, though, that wasn't the OP's actual intent with this post.

OP, I have all sympathy for your problems. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I still don't understand, though, how you know that the mom wasn't comforting the child if you only heard the cry and didn't see it? Haven't you ever come into contact with babies who were inconsolable? (I have; I have friends who are absolutely wonderful parents but who had colicky infants who cried for four hours a day even when being held and soothed.) Maybe the reason the mom was there in the household aisle for what felt like 30 minutes was because she was cradling a screaming baby, shushing in her ear, and didn't want to put her back in the stroller and risk upsetting her even further? I mean, obviously I don't know... but I think many people's points have been that you actually don't know either, if we are reading your posts correctly. If you were really trying to post to get ideas about how to make yourself feel better about that baby, the idea that maybe she WAS actually being soothed and was just colicky should make you feel better.

I am the poster who explained that I had a crying baby in the bookstore recently, who cried for what felt like ten minutes as I tried feeding/rocking/cradling/shhing/soothing/comforting, etc., only to realize that she had a dirty diaper (last on my mind as it seemed like I had just changed her). It would not bother me if a mom who heard my daughter crying but could not see my ministrations worried for my child -- it's nice and right to feel concern for others, especially for helpless children. I would hope it would make that worried mom feel better, though, to somehow later realize that I am actually a warm, loving, affectionate, doting and spoiling mother who just happened to have a crying baby for a few minutes until her diaper was changed. I would hope this possibility could ease OP's mind, too. No one on this thread has even once advocated that you should let a baby cry and suffer, or argued that there are bad parents out there. We all know this. However, it should make you feel better to be gently reminded that even the best parent can suffer the baby-won't-stop-crying-in-the-store fate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here..No I absolutely did not go and check on that baby. Because I have been in situations like this before where I saw a shrieking newborn crying for a while and it upsets me too much emotionally to see parents neglecting their babies like that. Once I did more than just check on the baby, I actually commented to the mother who was ignoring her newborn (yes it was a newborn). I merely said, "Ohhhh, she doesn't seem too happy today!" The moms answer upset me too much because it showed either ignorance or an utter lack of concern. I have realized that there are neglectful parents out there. But we know that newborns need the most attentive caregiver as it promotes healthy growth- healthy neurological growth, emotional and psychological growth, and even physical growth. Newborns need to to held alot, they need to be cuddled, their cries should be answered promptly. And if they have special needs or reflux or sensory issues, they need to be soothed even more.

So, you really have no idea what the mother doing? How do you know that she wasn't in fact holding the baby? This may shock you but some babies will still shriek and sound as if they are in pain and distress even while the mother is holding them and trying their hardest to comfort them.

Also, I read your other post. You called CPS bc you witnessed a one time one moment incident between a mom and her 3 year old???? Yikes! Seriously, what you described did not fall under neglect. Get some help before somebody is calling CPS on you.

I never said the incident between the mom and another 3 yo was neglect. That was battery at least. She grabbed that 3 yo's arm, and it was not her daughter or any little girl she knew, and then yanked her down to the ground so hard that the little girl was massaging her arm and wimpering afterward. The little girls parents were not around to see it. Calm yourself down and trust me when I say I know abuse when I see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It really isn't about me or you or any moms feelings. It is just about whether the mom was wrong to ignore her newborn.

Actually, it isn't. The OP wondered how she could get that particular crying newborn out of her mind. Several of these responses suggested that perhaps OP was overreacting a little (understandably, given her infertility issues), which could have gone a long way to ease the OP's mind if in fact that was what she was after, as the original post claimed. Apparently, though, that wasn't the OP's actual intent with this post.

OP, I have all sympathy for your problems. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I still don't understand, though, how you know that the mom wasn't comforting the child if you only heard the cry and didn't see it? Haven't you ever come into contact with babies who were inconsolable? (I have; I have friends who are absolutely wonderful parents but who had colicky infants who cried for four hours a day even when being held and soothed.) Maybe the reason the mom was there in the household aisle for what felt like 30 minutes was because she was cradling a screaming baby, shushing in her ear, and didn't want to put her back in the stroller and risk upsetting her even further? I mean, obviously I don't know... but I think many people's points have been that you actually don't know either, if we are reading your posts correctly. If you were really trying to post to get ideas about how to make yourself feel better about that baby, the idea that maybe she WAS actually being soothed and was just colicky should make you feel better.

I am the poster who explained that I had a crying baby in the bookstore recently, who cried for what felt like ten minutes as I tried feeding/rocking/cradling/shhing/soothing/comforting, etc., only to realize that she had a dirty diaper (last on my mind as it seemed like I had just changed her). It would not bother me if a mom who heard my daughter crying but could not see my ministrations worried for my child -- it's nice and right to feel concern for others, especially for helpless children. I would hope it would make that worried mom feel better, though, to somehow later realize that I am actually a warm, loving, affectionate, doting and spoiling mother who just happened to have a crying baby for a few minutes until her diaper was changed. I would hope this possibility could ease OP's mind, too. No one on this thread has even once advocated that you should let a baby cry and suffer, or argued that there are bad parents out there. We all know this. However, it should make you feel better to be gently reminded that even the best parent can suffer the baby-won't-stop-crying-in-the-store fate.

No, I don't think being irritated and sad over parents ignoring their newborns is being overly sensitive. Many women feel this way over neglectful parenting. They're just not going to tell people that to their face. I am overly sensitive, not because of my infertility, but because I feel more than distress, I feel sadness that lingers and I feel angry about these moms. Part of my anger is because of women who attempt to insist that letting a newborn cry for 30 minutes isn't that bad after all. It is bad. It's bad for newborns. And it's sad when moms do it. And it's distressful when they try to justify it.

My purpose in posting on this forum in particular is because I assumed women who are struggling with infertility might be less likely to ignore a crying newborn for 30 minutes so I thought I'd get more support here. What is comforting is to hear some moms tell me they, too, are dismayed with moms who ignore the cries of a newborn. Such comments make me feel that I am not alone. What is also comforting is to hear that letting a newborn cry for 30 minutes is shameful and intolerable because it's bad for a newborn. What is also comforting is to hear that a newborns needs must prevail over a moms needs and that one can not spoil a newborn.

I have explained this before but to answer again - that child was shrieking a blood curdling cry. I have been with 'inconsolable' children and these babies are so few in number. I had a very high needs baby. I also know special needs kids. Most babies are consolable. Special needs babies are harder to console but even then, many special needs babies can indeed be comforted.

There is something wrong with a mom who stays in a store shopping while her tiny baby is crying his head off. The best thing to do is go home or go to the car to try to comfort your baby.

[Anonymous]

I totally agree PP. well said!!!

[Anonymous]

This is the OP again. Thank you to all who were so supportive and understanding of my feelings of sadness over what I witnessed (yes, only heard, not saw, but nonetheless witnessed).

As for those who were 'less supportive' I think you need to forget about feelings of being judged. Of course you will feel judged because I am pointing out neglectful parenting. That's embarrassing and that's hurtful. But truly...our newborns needs must prevail over our own.

Parenting is an evolution. We can grow to be better and more attentive parents as we learn more and as our patience increases. Don't shoot the messenger! I am merely paraphrasing what renowned psychiatrists and the American Academy of Pediatricians recommends.

I don't think I will be getting into this particular post again. My views will not change with the insults, the sarcasm, the repeated attempts to undermine what I witnessed, or what I asserted. I know the root of such comments is a bit of embarrassment if there is a grain of truth in what I am saying. And we all know that there are indeed moms who let their newborns cry and they are not all well-meaning moms. They truly think it's not that big a deal. Some think they're teaching their children how to self-soothe. Some think it won't hurt their newborns.

I was under the impression that moms who struggle with infertility will value their newborns even more. They are such precious tiny beings, a gift to all of us. They need the most attentive and most compassionate caregiverrs if they are to grow to warm and wonderful adults. That's all I was trying to say.

Take care...

[Anonymous]

OP, I am really sorry for your struggles. I think you need to re-read this thread again, though, as you seem to fundamentally misunderstand many if not most of the posts. I'm not sure why it upset you so much that some people suggested that maybe the baby wasn't being neglected or abused since you did not see what was going on -- shouldn't that make you feel better? And where on earth did you read anyone suggest that babies don't need to be picked up or consoled? No one was arguing about that, though you can cite the AAP all you want in support of an undisputed point. People (yes, myself included) were merely trying to point out that because you did not actually see what was happening, you may not fully understand the situation. That should reassure you, not outrage you.

I'm sorry again for your problems, but I think that your subsequent posts on this thread point out that you were not looking for ways to feel better about that crying baby, as your OP claimed. You were looking for folks to pat you on the back for being such a wonderful and caring person, and to agree with you that you are a better parent than other people. Maybe you are -- there are a lot of crazy and bad parents out there -- but a more honest post of "I'm feeling really bitter and angry and need to vent" might have garnered better results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am really sorry for your struggles. I think you need to re-read this thread again, though, as you seem to fundamentally misunderstand many if not most of the posts. I'm not sure why it upset you so much that some people suggested that maybe the baby wasn't being neglected or abused since you did not see what was going on -- shouldn't that make you feel better? And where on earth did you read anyone suggest that babies don't need to be picked up or consoled? No one was arguing about that, though you can cite the AAP all you want in support of an undisputed point. People (yes, myself included) were merely trying to point out that because you did not actually see what was happening, you may not fully understand the situation. That should reassure you, not outrage you.

I'm sorry again for your problems, but I think that your subsequent posts on this thread point out that you were not looking for ways to feel better about that crying baby, as your OP claimed. You were looking for folks to pat you on the back for being such a wonderful and caring person, and to agree with you that you are a better parent than other people. Maybe you are -- there are a lot of crazy and bad parents out there -- but a more honest post of "I'm feeling really bitter and angry and need to vent" might have garnered better results.

Mean mean mean.

[Anonymous]

Concensus #1: Babies need to be comforted when they are upset, crying, etc. No-one actually disagrees on this point.
Concensus #2: Parenting is hard work, and no-one is perfect.

Almost concensus #1: If you do not witness an entire incident, you cannot draw hard-and-fast conclusions about what actually happened.
Almost concensus #2: If you witness one incident, you cannot draw conclusions about another human's worth, or worthiness, as a parent.

Obvious to most people: It is possible to disagree about a situation for reasons other than defensiveness or being judged. I can disagree about your interpretation of a situation not because I am a bad mother but because I am seeing another perspective.

Jeez...

[Anonymous]

PP: perfect and well said.

[Anonymous]

k