Why the Constant Fighting with SAHW?

[Anonymous]

Stick it out until the kids are over 18. Then divorce her.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP, but consider that counseling to improve communication between you two is a better immediate goal than her just getting a part-time job.

I'm the (female) primary breadwinner in my household, but my job is also high-level and fulfilling, largely because I've had the time and education to invest in my career. If she's 10 years + out of the workforce, her options are retail, food service, and low level admin jobs. Now, jobs are jobs, don't get me wrong. But if I was a middle aged lady, I wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go work retail at the Gap either.

Yes, she needs to stay on budget. But you both need to appreciate the other's contribution to the household. PP that listed all the stuff that just magically gets done in your house (meals, doc appointments, groceries) is right on. And you probably work your butt off too. Find a good counselor and do the work together. You'll be glad you did. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you OP, but consider that counseling to improve communication between you two is a better immediate goal than her just getting a part-time job.

I'm the (female) primary breadwinner in my household, but my job is also high-level and fulfilling, largely because I've had the time and education to invest in my career. If she's 10 years + out of the workforce, her options are retail, food service, and low level admin jobs. Now, jobs are jobs, don't get me wrong. But if I was a middle aged lady, I wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go work retail at the Gap either.

Yes, she needs to stay on budget. But you both need to appreciate the other's contribution to the household. PP that listed all the stuff that just magically gets done in your house (meals, doc appointments, groceries) is right on. And you probably work your butt off too. Find a good counselor and do the work together. You'll be glad you did. GL.

This is great advice. Take it!

[Anonymous]

Be prepared to pay through the nose when you finally wise up and divorce her.

[Anonymous]

You married a princess and allowed this to go on for years now you cry about it. This should have been settled day 1 of the marriage.

Now you need to have The Money Talk. Good luck because it won't be easy. And don't listen to these witches here. It's not about control. You let this fester and now you have a monster.

Seen it many many many times. Usually ends in divorce.

[Anonymous]

I think she's scared because she's been out of the workforce for so long, and like PP said, her options are limited. On the other hand, what exactly is she planning to do when the teens are out of the house in a few years? Volunteer? She would get depressed sitting home all day.

But seriously- what IS she spending money on? Is it stocking up at Target or buying kids clothes? Or is it unneccesary items for herself? The first is a chore, the second is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you involved as a father and husband? You sound disconnected and uninterested in family life. If all you give them is money and not time or respect, then they'll treat you like an ATM. Teens are expensive and need a lot of guidance. It sounds like you don't have much respect for your wife, and you think you're better than her because you work.

I don't get that at all.

In fact, I think we have a new trend here where the kids age out, the SAHMs refuse to go back to work and essentially become freeloaders. Today's fathers get stuck with the proverbial "second shift."

The NYT should write a piece about it.

+1. WTF? SAHM has no one to "mom" anymore, treats her H like an ATM, and expects that he pull his weight around the house, too? OP, your biggest mistake was marrying an idiot and allowing her to take advantage of you for so long. That sucks. Demand that she go with you to a therapist and a financial planner. If she refuses, your next stop should be a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she's scared because she's been out of the workforce for so long, and like PP said, her options are limited. On the other hand, what exactly is she planning to do when the teens are out of the house in a few years? Volunteer? She would get depressed sitting home all day.

But seriously- what IS she spending money on? Is it stocking up at Target or buying kids clothes? Or is it unneccesary items for herself? The first is a chore, the second is not.

Can't be all that hard to get a job at Target running a cash register or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she's scared because she's been out of the workforce for so long, and like PP said, her options are limited. On the other hand, what exactly is she planning to do when the teens are out of the house in a few years? Volunteer? She would get depressed sitting home all day.

But seriously- what IS she spending money on? Is it stocking up at Target or buying kids clothes? Or is it unneccesary items for herself? The first is a chore, the second is not.

Can't be all that hard to get a job at Target running a cash register or something.

I hear the Mosaic District has a great one.

[Anonymous]

I think if she doesn't accumulate debt, your pension and college and emergency savings are ok, then you are good.
And just dismiss the "you don't help me" talk.
Signed, SAHM who gets criticized over money a lot

[Anonymous]

You are going to get roundly flamed (the husbands always do on this board), but I hear you, and I'm a woman. While it's true that teenagers need to be monitored (I have two), I really cannot fathom what a SAHM of teenagers is doing to justify not working IF her husband is feeling the pressure of being the sole provider. Especially with college looming! And, my DH and I have always allowed each other some time during the week or on the weekend to pursue our own interests, adn still had ample time for family. You two should try counseling, and soon. Or there is going to be a lot of unhappiness and dislocation when the kids leave home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if she doesn't accumulate debt, your pension and college and emergency savings are ok, then you are good.
And just dismiss the "you don't help me" talk.
Signed, SAHM who gets criticized over money a lot

so why don't you take steps to make your H happy? Why do you get criticized over money a lot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she's scared because she's been out of the workforce for so long, and like PP said, her options are limited. On the other hand, what exactly is she planning to do when the teens are out of the house in a few years? Volunteer? She would get depressed sitting home all day.

But seriously- what IS she spending money on? Is it stocking up at Target or buying kids clothes? Or is it unneccesary items for herself? The first is a chore, the second is not.

Can't be all that hard to get a job at Target running a cash register or something.

Sounds like the wife is too lazy for that and is raising lazy kids. There really shouldn't be much for DH to do with 4 able bodied people to pitch in with chores.

[Anonymous]

One of the things that always seems important here is: did you both agree that she would stay at home? If that's the case, then this is the result of that joint decision. People who voluntarily stay out of the work force can't just waltz back in for the most part. (This is why a lot of struggle through the early years as a two-working-parent household, so that when they're in school full time, and much more independent, we haven't lost our place in line so to speak). But if this was a joint decision then, the consequences of that joint decision are jointly shouldered now. She can't be solely responsible for her unemployment now, when it was the two of you who decided she would be unemployed back in the day. This assumes that it was a joint decision.

Agree with PP. Neither here nor there - she needs to be follow a budget. I'm on the flip side of this. My husband and I both work, he pays way more attention to the finances than I do, but I'm the one fighting to do a concrete budget for the household. Mostly because I think it's responsible, even when you're not struggling, but also because he has no clue what things cost. I do all of the household maintenance type things (grocery shopping, kid clothes, toiletries, etc.) and he's trying to nickel and dime me, looking over my shoulder. I'd much rather we do a budget, everyone sticks to it, and all is well.

[Anonymous]

Wow. It sounds like you also grew up with some expectations of the way things "should" be OP. I work part time with 3kids under 10 but my husband brings in majority of income and I do majority of hour/kid stuff. Trust me OP, you probably have no idea how much she really does. You can't see it because it's behind the scenes and unpaid but I guarantee it's a lot. My job truly like a vacation compared to home/ kid related work. And it never ends - from moment you wake until just before sleep. Are you "on" that many hours per day?