The eternal question (re: 2 boys)

[Anonymous]

I sometimes actually hope for all boys. Not because "boys love their mamas" or any junk like that- my mom and sister and I are incredibly close (no boys in the family except dad) but I have a really great example of what it is to have a great MIL relationship, actually I have 2, mine (who is nothing like me but very dear and kind) and my own mother with my husband, just getting to see how they have their own relationship, own jokes, etc. Its about making family you didn't know you had despite any differences.

I think I would make a good MIL to daughters in law. I know its all pie in the sky at this point, but it is something I think about.

[jindc]

As the spouse of a man who has a terrible relationship with his emotionally abusive father, I definitely understand his desire for a girl. He's worried he won't know how to raise a boy, and I 110% understand his concern. But, we won't find out for a few more weeks. Like some of you, I need to find out so he can prepare in case it is because I'm sure it's an emotional issue for him given his childhood.

That said, growing up he really loved pink and purple (and now he's a Marine). So if you have a boy, don't discount that you'll get away scott free without a pink/purple phase!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that there does seem to be a gender preference for girls in our country. That's interesting that others have noticed this. I think it is sad and sexist, and does a disservice to the all-boy families. But I do think it is real.

I was out recently with my three oldest- all young adult daughters- and was approached twice in one afternoon by strangers commenting on them. Both times people said how lucky I was to have these girls, who so evidently enjoy each other and enjoy being with their old Mom, too. I am lucky.

I have heard some version of this for years, whenever all three of them are together. They are very close in age and their chemistry is fun to be around.

However, I am lucky, not because of their gender. I am lucky because these are three healthy human beings who have grown to adulthood with a general compassion and kindness toward the world, each other, and me. That is why I feel lucky.

I would feel equally lucky to be out on a lovely afternoon with three young adult sons who enjoy being together and don't mind having Mom along, too.

In this day, to have more than one child, of whatever gender, is a true blessing. Enjoy it!

Why do you think people are commenting on their gender when they say how lucky you are?

[Anonymous]

The reason I know that they are referring to gender is that they comment on how lucky I am to have daughters. Now that I think about it, the only people who do this are other women.

It makes me wonder whether mothers in general hear more positive comments about having daughters than sons.

And maybe fathers hear more positive comments about having sons, than daughters.

I don't know. Totally sexist either way.

I am grateful to all you Moms raising amazing sons. Keep on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason I know that they are referring to gender is that they comment on how lucky I am to have daughters. Now that I think about it, the only people who do this are other women.

It makes me wonder whether mothers in general hear more positive comments about having daughters than sons.

And maybe fathers hear more positive comments about having sons, than daughters.

I don't know. Totally sexist either way.

I am grateful to all you Moms raising amazing sons. Keep on!

I think they're just trying to be polite to you. I have a boy and hear how lucky I am all the time. Most people will gush about whatever you have. It's the nice thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason I know that they are referring to gender is that they comment on how lucky I am to have daughters. Now that I think about it, the only people who do this are other women.

It makes me wonder whether mothers in general hear more positive comments about having daughters than sons.

And maybe fathers hear more positive comments about having sons, than daughters.

I don't know. Totally sexist either way.

I am grateful to all you Moms raising amazing sons. Keep on!

Even if they say "you are lucky to have such great daughters" about your adult children, I would not naturally assume that they are commenting on the sex of your children - because they are adults. In my mind they are complimenting you on your children, who happen to be daughters. How else would they say this when they are all the same sex? "You are so lucky to have such great children"? Once they are grown they are not children any more. We have several family friends with three adult daughters. If I saw them interacting together well and demonstrating what wonderful families they are I might compliment them on their closeness or how great their daughters are but it's not a judgment that they are lucky that their family turned out to be all girls at all. It's just a compliment to their family dynamics.

Maybe my views are different from the people you encounter, but even though I am a mother of two boys myself, I personally, would have a slight bias against having three of the same of either gender. I don't think this is unusual. I saw the reactions when my sister in law announced she was having a third girl and they were not any different from those I've heard described by people having a third boy. (E.g. "will you try again for a boy?" "shame you didn't get your boy" etc).

Now if you had three young daughters, comments about being lucky to have girls would more likely be explicitly about them being girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reason I know that they are referring to gender is that they comment on how lucky I am to have daughters. Now that I think about it, the only people who do this are other women.

It makes me wonder whether mothers in general hear more positive comments about having daughters than sons.

And maybe fathers hear more positive comments about having sons, than daughters.

I don't know. Totally sexist either way.

I am grateful to all you Moms raising amazing sons. Keep on!

I think they're just trying to be polite to you. I have a boy and hear how lucky I am all the time. Most people will gush about whatever you have. It's the nice thing to do.

+1 I also hear how lucky I am to have my boys. I don't assume that they are making a judgment that I am lucky that I have boys and not girls, but instead I think they are complimenting me on my kids behavior/general cuteness!

[Anonymous]

Well, interestingly (thanks Google) it turns out that there is no statistical preference for girls among women and a strong preference for boys, overall.

Check out this survey and historical comparison from 2011.

http://www.gallup.com/poll/148187/americans-prefer-boys-girls-1941.aspx

[Anonymous]

Mom of two boys here. I definitely think there are a lot of sexist perceptions out there about daughters and sons and moms and dads. It has been mostly women who tell me they hoped I was having girls "for my sake." I have friends who have all girls and usually people pity their husbands or assume the husband wants to have sons. I think if your children are all one sex you are going to get someone who assumed that the opposite gendered spouse is lamenting the loss of that son or daughter. For my friends who have 2 girls and are pregnant with their third baby, they have been asked if they are "trying for a boy" or that their husband must really want a son. I think it goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pregnant with #2 and would be happy with either for different reasons but will mourn whichever one I do not get, even if just a little. If I get another girl, my DD will have a sister, which I love the idea of, but I'll never know what raising a boy was like. And if I get the boy, my DD will never have a sister. Either way, I will be a little sad for the road we inevitably cannot take. It's okay.

My sister and I are twins and I feel exactly the same way about whatever we end up with next because we know we are two and done. We have one DD already.

[Anonymous]

Many posting assuming that girls is the sex of preference. Maybe this is true among mothers but there are evidence of a son preference among fathers at least.

Dahl and Moretti (2004) show that in the US and among all race group and all over the country there are evidence for a son preference:

They document that having girls has significant effects on divorce, child custody, marriage, shotgun marriage when the sex of the child is known before birth , and fertility stopping rules. Taken together, our empirical evidence i
ndicates that parents in the U.S. favor boys over
girls. We begin by documenting that parents with girls are significantly more likely to be divorced than parents with boys. The effect is quantitatively substantial, with a 1 to 7 percent higher probability of divorce for parents with daughters. Moreover, divorced fathers are more
likely to have their sons versus daughters living with them. We also show that women with only girls are substantially more likely to have never been married than women with only boys.
Perhaps the most striking evidence comes from the analysis of shotgun marriages using Vital Statistics birth record data. Mothers who find out their child will be a boy are more likely to marry their partner before delivery. Specifically, among those who have an ultrasound test during their pregnancy, we find that mothers carrying a boy are more likely to be married at delivery.
When we turn to fertility stopping rules, we find that in families with at least two children, the probability of having another child is higher for all-girl families than all-boy families. This preference for sons seems to be largely driven by fathers. Survey evidence reveals that while
women on average have only a slight preference for daughters, men report that they would rather
have a boy by more than a two to one margin.

[Anonymous]

I lived in DC until recently and have two boys. I never heard the END of comments about it. Girls are definitely the preference, and it hurt a lot whenever someone gave me the "pity" stuff. It hurt especially because I DID want a girl. That said, you will find nobody more surprised than me at how much I adore my sons. I was the poster-child for gender disappointment and now...boy, it's unreal how I feel about them.

That said? We're currently pursuing adoption to add a girl to our family. So for me, that girl-desire never went away, though my love for my sons was so real and strong and such a relief.

[Anonymous]

I am a mom of 3 boys who posted above. I have NEVER had anyone say to me that they thought I was lucky to have boys. Not one. Not ever. I have had many, many comments, even from strangers, on how disappointed I must be. It gets old, and it is especially irksome when it is said in front of my boys. So, maybe the preference for girls is regional, and maybe it is mostly coming from women, but it is absolutely real. Now, there is also a very strong preference for mixed-sex families, which is its own brand of lunacy, so I know that parents of all girls get comments as well. But these are usually directed at the husband.

[Anonymous]

OP here - so interesting to hear the perspectives. I do think women favor girls and most we talk to about pregnancy stuff are women, so that skews things. That said I really think most prefer one (or more) of each. Otherwise you inevitably get comments. I'm dreading people feeling sorry for me having two boys. It's like it legitimizes my disappointment (which I already feel guilty enough about!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - so interesting to hear the perspectives. I do think women favor girls and most we talk to about pregnancy stuff are women, so that skews things. That said I really think most prefer one (or more) of each. Otherwise you inevitably get comments. I'm dreading people feeling sorry for me having two boys. It's like it legitimizes my disappointment (which I already feel guilty enough about!)

Pp here with the strong gender disappointment. Yes, you'll hear about it. But put a smile on your face and just say "Yes, two wonderful boys! Aren't we lucky!" and that'll usually be the end of it. The ache won't go away altogether but the joy in your sons will be much much more powerful. Mine are watching the black stallion with me right now all cuddled p on the couch. It's fabulous. Congratulations op. it's going to be wonderful.