My wife wants to quit her job... help me get comfortable with it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a wife, currently supporting the family while my DH is on the LONG road back in after a break from the workforce for grad school. It's hard to be the sole breadwinner. And it's even harder to see my DH unhappy without being fully employed (some contract work fills some days and the job hunt is pretty full-time.)

Earlier posters who ask why she wants to leave are asking the right question in my view. I hated my last job with its miserable commute and the misery impacted our family so a job change was good for the whole family. I view my DH as a hero for working so hard to not let his misery not impact us in the same way. If your DW is miserable, explore whether being at home would be the right change or whether looking for something else first might be the right next step. You're young enough to likely recove financially from whichever path you take. (Though we hated the hit with one income, it's actually working out just fine.) so try to figure out what increases family happiness and contentment (hers, yours, the kids). Also take into account your own job security when thinking about this. Mine is pretty secure but if I were sweating bullets about that, being e sole breadwinner would be even harder.

You sound like a thoughtful guy. I hope you and your DW can talk honestly about the right next step.

Can I ask what field?

[Anonymous]

OP, your wife is so young. Let her stay at home for a few months and then she'll find another job, if she wants so. I didn't like my job and my husband hated to see me so stressed out because of the job. He was the one who begged me to quit because he wanted to see my happy face every evening and not to listen to another work-related awful story.

All recruiters told me I shouldn't quit till I find another job, but it sounded nonsense to me. Why people are sooo scared to quit if they can afford to stay at home for a few months? After one stays at home for some time and gets rest from a stressful job, he/she will be so much more energized during the next job interviews and feel more enthusiasm about the next opportunity. And will also have more time and energy to focus on the job search.

[Anonymous]

I stayed home for 8 years and it was great for the whole family. Sure it was a bit harder to get back into the workforce but I did. Don't live in fear!

[Anonymous]

OP -- your and your wife's fear that she won't be able to get back into the work force is legitimate, but it has been done before - even by lawyers and doctors. I would say that you both should mentally prepare for the fact that it could be a long road back. If she wants to get back to work when your child is 5, she should ideally start networking/meeting people for coffee to talk about ideas etc when he is 3; it doesn't need to be all day every day but that will allow her to at least be part of the mix and then within 1-2 yrs she should be back in. I think the stories you hear about how hard it is to get back in are about people who think they could apply for jobs online, interview and have an offer in 3-6 months and then when it takes a year or two they are totally frustrated. Sadly it doesn't work like that and there is a lot of "pre-planning" and networking that goes into most jobs lately so if you all can swing a 1-2 yr plan, then staying home is something to consider. If, however, you are in a volatile industry and might need her to go back asap at some point, then I would say that she should spend her time trying to switch jobs now to see if she can find something palatable enough to make her want to stay in the work force.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. What kind of man are you? If you can't take care of your family on 6 figures then you aren't much of a man. Heck you don't even need that much. My husband would never make me work at a job I hated. I don't care if he made 30,000 a year- he would make it work so I could be happy.

I work because I want to. If I don't want to then I will stop. My husband does not need me to take care of our family financially but he appreciates whatever I want to do. And we are not rich or wealthy.

Sounds like you should have married one of the manly women on here who are sure to come to your defense and call your wife lazy. Or maybe you should have married your paycheck.

It doesn't matter...you are still acting like a punk.

This.

You sound like my ex-husband. And your attitude is why he is my ex-husband. I cannot fathom being married to someone who gave so little regard to his wife's desire to be home with her children for the very short amount of time that they are children (its not for everyone, but for those who want to do it) but to be FORCED to miss her babies' firsts over the matter of 1,000/month when her husband makes 150,000. I CANNOT imagine. I would, literally, never forgive you.

If she really makes 1,000 dollars a month - she can get a job making that ANY TIME. Does she have a college degree? She could make 100/day subbing in most school districts.

And I am quite sure that your wife is not telling you that she is fantasizing about lunching with the ladies (not that you'd fund such frivolity) but about being with her kids - your kids.

So glad I divorced my ex before we had any kids and married a real man. I'm home with my baby because I will never get this time back. My husband is happily paying the bills. Yes, a screaming baby can get frustrating but it is worth EVERY MINUTE.

Your reading comprehension skills aren't too great, are they? That must suck for you.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Jesus tap dancing Christ, you are harsh.

Look my wife is not a prisoner in my home, I'm not selling her into slave labour. We are a partnership trying to make a life for ourselves and our kids - that means making tradeoffs sometimes, and sometimes those tradeoffs suck. My job has a lot of stress and a fair amount of travel, but I do it because it means my kids 529 plans are funded. It's a hard choice, I'd like to sit at home with him too, but I made the choice that giving them access to a quality education was perhaps more important than my being a 9 to 4 employee. Don't think that doesn't eat me up at times, it does. And this is a judgement call my wife and I made together. All of these decisions come at some cost, you seem ti think its costless. It isnt. And yes, part of that equation is financial - your conclusion that she can just get a job making $1,000 a month in the future demonstrates either a lack of critical thinking skills or poor reading comprehension, not knowing which I won't bother to point out the fallacy of such a POV. But it also non financial: my wife quitting means she gives up (at least to some degree) her professional aspirations, her network of "work friends", etc. that might be worth loosing but it's not black and white.
Sometimes we see eye to eye - sometimes we don't. What makes this a functional relationship is that I'm actively seeking feedback on my perspective so that I can better understand whether my concerns are reasonable or not. Moreover, although I've called them my concerns, they are shared concerns with my wife. I am perhaps more nervous about these than she (and she more nervous than I about others such as loosing a great nanny, perhaps regretting her decision).

I'm not a perfect husband... not by a long shot, but I'm trying to do what's right for my family. Sounds like your ex husband didn't, which is unfortunate, just try to remember we aren't all gaping assholes.

OP, read your post. No wonder she wants to quit. You are working long hours and have a side job. You travel. One can presume she works full-time and does everything home and child related. You help when you can, but she is the primary. She's exhausted. When you become a parent, often everything changes. Some good, some bad. I had lots of professional aspirations. I have a master's degree. I had a love-hate relationship with my job but there was more hate than love. In the end, I gained far more being a mom than a professional and while I can go back to work (with some sacrifices such as income), I can never get back the time with my children. They are only young once. You only get one chance at giving them a good childhood to make them strong adults. Can you do this successfully working? Of course you can. My mother worked because she enjoyed it and did not enjoy being home. Everyone is different. If your wife is not happy at home, that will give her the opportunity to search for another job, taking her time to get the right fit. That will be her ultimate motivation to get a job. At your income, $1000 helps but it will not make or break you. But, her losing her time with your child, can break your marriage. Try a week working full time, doing all the child care (i.e. when you travel), cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping (clothing and food), taking the kids to activities & friends, doing homework, etc. and let us know how easy it is for you. Granted, many single parents do it very well, but she is not a single parent.

[Anonymous]

Maybe focus on your kids and how having mom around full time will be great for them? I find it a little strange that OP wrote out his extensive post including numbered bullets and the net benefit of having his children cared for by their mother instead of a hired caregiver wasn't part of the equation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man up and take care of your family or turn in your man card.

This is a really stupid, sexist post. I am a woman and have toyed with the idea of working PT. My DH is comfortable with this but we are unsure for all the reasons OP discusses. My benefits are very generous, so we would lose out not just on my salary but on the amazing amount of contributions to my 401K, low healthcare premiums, bonuses and other perks I receive.

OP, I really don't know what to tell you other than all of your concerns are well-founded and your points are well made. You sound like a wonderful husband, IMO. What I will say is that you two are still very young, doing very well (late 20's and already a salary of $170K? Wow.), and if your DW can find a way to keep her skills and resume fairly current as you suggest then the financial "hit" is something you can compensate for down the line. As you get older and have more kids, your priorities will change and there is no absolute "right" way to do this, only the way that is best for your family and your values.

Talk it over with your wife, share your concerns, and discuss together what you think is best for your family. Good luck. You guys are doing great and I think you'll be just fine whichever way you go.

echoing this PP's sentiments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man up and take care of your family or turn in your man card.

I'm surprise that people still think this way... at least not in our culture.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the part of the problem is your wife's job. It does not sound like they respect their employees. Perhaps she should look for a better job that is closer to home, even if it pays less. The solution does not have to be all or nothing.

If she left the workforce, she will not be contributing to her retirement savings. Due to the time value of money (tax-free, compounding, etc.), little money she puts in retirement savings now will be far greater than trying to catch up later. Also, you may have to work longer to reach the retirement goal.

[Anonymous]

"So glad I divorced my ex before we had any kids and married a real man. I'm home with my baby because I will never get this time back. My husband is happily paying the bills. Yes, a screaming baby can get frustrating but it is worth EVERY MINUTE."

Is it OK for your husband to miss your baby's firsts, bimbo?

[Anonymous]

All the SAHMs will say yes - they're wrong. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the SAHMs will say yes - they're wrong. Trust me.

Elaborate.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't she look for a better job instead of quitting altogether?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sure, if she wants to work the bake sale.

Seriously OP - once you quit, especially if you quit while young and relatively inexperienced, it is a LONG road back in.

pp here - we don't know what "back in" means. Doesn't sound like Big Law or neurosurgery to me. I quit and went skiing for five years once. The road back in was not very hard. Ask anyone who quit and went sailing until the money ran out. This terror of the unkown sacrifices so many lives to the 9-5 curse. Ya only go 'round once.

Well sure if you're making peanuts when you quit and happy to start making peanuts again once you start working again. Eh.