Is HE the AH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of agree with him - like, if the single mom posted on DCUM, I bet a lot of people would judge her harshly for leaving her kids during the school week, and also consider work trips different. But I'd never say that to the woman or anyone who would repeat it to her. Your husband was only saying it to you though, which isn't that bad, since you're his spouse, he's expressing his private thought, which he should feel comfortable doing. What he thinks isn't terribly sympathetic but I imagine a lot of people would feel that way. If I were the mom in that case, I wouldn't leave my kids for that. His perspective could be centering the kids vs the mom, or it could be misogyny. I don't know him and you do, so you know what his general attitudes are like.

Leaving aside the Vegas-hating poster, why would a work trip be different?
I have traveled a little for work and a little for fun or to see my sister when she was having chemo, and I never thought any of it differently in terms of how it affected my kids. Why would it matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kind of agree with him - like, if the single mom posted on DCUM, I bet a lot of people would judge her harshly for leaving her kids during the school week, and also consider work trips different. But I'd never say that to the woman or anyone who would repeat it to her. Your husband was only saying it to you though, which isn't that bad, since you're his spouse, he's expressing his private thought, which he should feel comfortable doing. What he thinks isn't terribly sympathetic but I imagine a lot of people would feel that way. If I were the mom in that case, I wouldn't leave my kids for that. His perspective could be centering the kids vs the mom, or it could be misogyny. I don't know him and you do, so you know what his general attitudes are like.

Leaving aside the Vegas-hating poster, why would a work trip be different?
I have traveled a little for work and a little for fun or to see my sister when she was having chemo, and I never thought any of it differently in terms of how it affected my kids. Why would it matter?

is this for real? A work trip is different because you do it to EARN money for the family, not WASTE.it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you’ve been widowed, working and holding your kids lives together, you have zero grounds for judgement.

And if you’re judging, step your behind up and offer to help with concrete items/plans the next time you have a prematurely widowed parent appear in your world. Also keep an eye out for close friends who suddenly think she’s about to husband poach.

It is a miserable place to be.

Actually the judgment has nothing to do with her being a widow. It's with her choice of destination. There's lots of vacations a.person could pick that don't strongly imply excessive drinking, gambling, and casual hook ups. And OPs advocating for this can be judged as well. I wouldn't expect any spouse who cares about their marriage would want their spouse to go on a guys trip or girls trip to Vegas without them

You can spin your hateful judgement any way you want. You’re still a shit person.

No one cares where she went. A 65 year old CEO of my company just came back from a concert in Vegas. She did none of those things. You are not not only evil, you are also very stupid. That’s the worst combo.

The OP said it was for kind of once in a lifetime concert experience. If a band you love is playing at the Sphere for a short time, you go. I did.

I'm not saying it was at the Sphere, but Vegas is so much more than just drinking and gambling. I've gone with my girlfriends several times and we have never done more than video poker and shows.

You people are seriousnly weird

+ 1 though honestly I think its just one repeat weirdo poster.

I’m not by any stretch a huge Vegas fan but have ended up there on a couple of occasions for reunions with college friends in large part because it has affordable/direct flights from almost anywhere. Not to mention warm weather, reasonably priced hotels with nice pools, spas and other amenities, great restaurants and a wide range of concerts/shows.

No one in our group was looking to hook up, drink excessively, or do much if any gambling.

+1 been to Vegas a bunch of times and none of those things that crazy prudish PP was saying apply. It's an inexpensive direct flight from most of the country, nice hotels, pools, shows, restaurants, bars, you don't need a car... It's a common fun place to meet up and not everyone is there to cheat on their spouse!

Agree with OP that no one should be judging the poor friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kind of agree with him - like, if the single mom posted on DCUM, I bet a lot of people would judge her harshly for leaving her kids during the school week, and also consider work trips different. But I'd never say that to the woman or anyone who would repeat it to her. Your husband was only saying it to you though, which isn't that bad, since you're his spouse, he's expressing his private thought, which he should feel comfortable doing. What he thinks isn't terribly sympathetic but I imagine a lot of people would feel that way. If I were the mom in that case, I wouldn't leave my kids for that. His perspective could be centering the kids vs the mom, or it could be misogyny. I don't know him and you do, so you know what his general attitudes are like.

Leaving aside the Vegas-hating poster, why would a work trip be different?
I have traveled a little for work and a little for fun or to see my sister when she was having chemo, and I never thought any of it differently in terms of how it affected my kids. Why would it matter?

is this for real? A work trip is different because you do it to EARN money for the family, not WASTE.it.

Even so, I’m willing to bet that this mom would NOT take a job that required travel, even if she would take a one time trip with a friend.

[Anonymous]

If OP didn't want her husband to "judge" then she shouldn't have asked his opinion about it. People aren't AHS because you ask for their opinion and it doesn't match your own. People who believe others are not allowed to disagree with them are AHS. Op is the AH.

[Anonymous]

I'd be pissed if that were my husband's reaction and I'd likely dive deeper to figure out why. You say you work but my first reaction was that your husband has a SAHM and the thought of you leaving the kids when that's your job and clearly not his would irk him. So it's almost even worse that you work and that's what he thinks. Does he not like the co-worker for some reason? Like, could this be a personal reaction based on his feelings for her rather than towards mothers in general?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes of course it’s reasonable and healthy for everyone, and especially a widow who is unexpected thrust into the role of being a grieving single parent while constantly having to try to hold things together for her kids, to have the opportunity to take time for themselves.

If this was something she was doing on a regular basis or within a few months of her husband’s death then yes it might be irresponsible, but after 1.5 years taking a few days for herself to take what is almost certainly a much needed break with a friend (assuming the kids are safe with a trusted family member or friends) seems more than reasonable.

I don’t think it’s weird at all that this is still bothering you. Your husband sounds incredibly judgmental, likely has a healthy dose of ingrained misogyny, and is definitely TAH here.

This.

Do you travel with friends, OP? Like for a girls weekend? When I was dating my now husband I made it clear to him that I would continue to prioritize my close friendships which meant (1) I would spend time and money on girls trips with my friends and (2) I had male friendships that were not and had never been romantic and I would not be giving those up. As a result, I can't imagine my husband ever having the reaction yours did, so I'm wondering how he feels about YOU spending time away from him and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only trashy people who like to waste money think "going to Vegas" is some kind of special vacation. I kind of feel the same way about people who are obsessed with Disney vacations LOL.

Your husband is probably sending that you too might have a desire to "go to Vegas with your girlie bffs" and he is right to preemptively shut that idea down. You think he's an AH because you do want to do a similar trip and you were just trying to may the foundation. Nothing good happens on trips to Vegas. He is on to you.

That's ridiculous. Vegas is easy to get to, the weather is amazing, especially this time of year, and there are a lot of great restaurants and shows.

[Anonymous]

Ask him why he reacted so strongly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of agree with him - like, if the single mom posted on DCUM, I bet a lot of people would judge her harshly for leaving her kids during the school week, and also consider work trips different. But I'd never say that to the woman or anyone who would repeat it to her. Your husband was only saying it to you though, which isn't that bad, since you're his spouse, he's expressing his private thought, which he should feel comfortable doing. What he thinks isn't terribly sympathetic but I imagine a lot of people would feel that way. If I were the mom in that case, I wouldn't leave my kids for that. His perspective could be centering the kids vs the mom, or it could be misogyny. I don't know him and you do, so you know what his general attitudes are like.

And those people would be AHs. See how easy that is?

I have two middle schoolers and leaving them in the middle of the week would be absolutely no big deal. Also, their dad died quite a while ago, and while I'm sure they are nowhere near "recovered" (my dad died five years ago and I'm not over it yet), that doesn't mean that it wouldn't be ok for their mom to take a break and get away for a few days. During the school week is even easier, in my opinion, because she isn't missing as much time with them as she would over a weekend. If you'd judge this mom, even if you wouldn't say it out loud, then you are also an AH, if you're curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if her husband was still alive and the two of them took the trip to LV to see a concert, leaving the kids with the grandparents for a few days? Would that have been wrong?

Your DH seems to think she should spend the rest of her life sitting at home in a black taffeta dress. That's not the way life works.

It wasn't just a trip with a friend, it was a trip to Vegas with a bestie. The inference is that she was going to be getting drunk, spending lots of money, possibly gambling a lot, but definitely trying to find hook ups for casual sex. That's why OP was trying to sell a trip to Vegas as an innocuous form of recreation to her husband, and here. He wasn't buying it. Op has an ulterior motive of going on a similar girls gone wild trip without her husband and was trying to soften him up for it. If he agrees it's ok for the widow to do it, then he can't object to his own wife doing it. That's why to OP he is the AH. He shut the idea down and now she won't be able to do something similar.

WTF are you talking about? That wasn't the inference at all. The fact that you read it that way says a lot about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it’s not irresponsible if she’s otherwise a good mom. You have to put on your own oxygen mask first.

Different story if she’s like Erika Kirk, like PP mentioned.

She can’t be a good mom. A good mom doesn’t leave her kids in the middle of the school week to go party in Vegas.
My initial reaction not knowing more details would be a big red flag.

You're pathetic, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it’s not irresponsible if she’s otherwise a good mom. You have to put on your own oxygen mask first.

Different story if she’s like Erika Kirk, like PP mentioned.

She can’t be a good mom. A good mom doesn’t leave her kids in the middle of the school week to go party in Vegas.
My initial reaction not knowing more details would be a big red flag.

It’s fine. I leave to go see shows 2-3 times a year.

It often makes you a better parent, you come home refreshed

Nice try. You go to Vegas to "see shows." Without your husband? Ok

Not PP but, yes. Not all of us are cheating on our spouses, sorry to break it to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you’ve been widowed, working and holding your kids lives together, you have zero grounds for judgement.

And if you’re judging, step your behind up and offer to help with concrete items/plans the next time you have a prematurely widowed parent appear in your world. Also keep an eye out for close friends who suddenly think she’s about to husband poach.

It is a miserable place to be.

Actually the judgment has nothing to do with her being a widow. It's with her choice of destination. There's lots of vacations a.person could pick that don't strongly imply excessive drinking, gambling, and casual hook ups. And OPs advocating for this can be judged as well. I wouldn't expect any spouse who cares about their marriage would want their spouse to go on a guys trip or girls trip to Vegas without them

Tell me you've never been to Vegas without telling me you've never been to Vegas. You need to get out more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you’ve been widowed, working and holding your kids lives together, you have zero grounds for judgement.

And if you’re judging, step your behind up and offer to help with concrete items/plans the next time you have a prematurely widowed parent appear in your world. Also keep an eye out for close friends who suddenly think she’s about to husband poach.

It is a miserable place to be.

Actually the judgment has nothing to do with her being a widow. It's with her choice of destination. There's lots of vacations a.person could pick that don't strongly imply excessive drinking, gambling, and casual hook ups. And OPs advocating for this can be judged as well. I wouldn't expect any spouse who cares about their marriage would want their spouse to go on a guys trip or girls trip to Vegas without them

You can spin your hateful judgement any way you want. You’re still a shit person.

No one cares where she went. A 65 year old CEO of my company just came back from a concert in Vegas. She did none of those things. You are not not only evil, you are also very stupid. That’s the worst combo.

+1000