Is frugality in a high-earning woman a green flag or a red flag?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about someone who is a lawyer and makes very good money, but:

* never tips or donates
* almost never eats out, and if she does it’s always the cheapest place or the cheapest thing on the menu
* avoids things like concerts, sporting events, festivals, shows, spas, etc. because she it’s as a waste of money
* doesn’t spend money on entertainment, events, gifts, Ubers, clothes, etc.
* hates paying for convenience (delivery fees, checked bags, valet, subscriptions, etc.)
* travels a few times a year but always very cheaply (budget airlines/basic hotels/red-eyes/points deals)
* researches everything and buys the cheapest/highest-quality version of literally everything from toothpaste to furniture
* can’t fathom spending $200 on a dress or $2000 on coat

Would men see this as financially responsible and disciplined, or as overly cheap/miserly? Especially in dating, does this kind of mindset help or hurt?

This person sucks and would suck to be around

+1. Being around people with these money hangups is the worst. Let me be clear, I am not talking about poor people who need to economize to feed their kids or suggesting people skip funding their 401K to buy a Birkin, but people who nakr money but are cheap and constantly fixate on it are such bores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of free concerts. This person sound like a homebody.

She goes to free concerts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not tipping where it is expected is just cheap and poor manners. The rest wouldn’t bother me as much, but if your financial values don’t align then don’t date this person.

Agree

My European in laws like to play dumb but after 15+ year it’s them being cheap. Jsut like they make us pay for anything when out here or there. Yet have $Ms in assets and rental income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about someone who is a lawyer and makes very good money, but:

* never tips or donates
* almost never eats out, and if she does it’s always the cheapest place or the cheapest thing on the menu
* avoids things like concerts, sporting events, festivals, shows, spas, etc. because she it’s as a waste of money
* doesn’t spend money on entertainment, events, gifts, Ubers, clothes, etc.
* hates paying for convenience (delivery fees, checked bags, valet, subscriptions, etc.)
* travels a few times a year but always very cheaply (budget airlines/basic hotels/red-eyes/points deals)
* researches everything and buys the cheapest/highest-quality version of literally everything from toothpaste to furniture
* can’t fathom spending $200 on a dress or $2000 on coat

Would men see this as financially responsible and disciplined, or as overly cheap/miserly? Especially in dating, does this kind of mindset help or hurt?

I'm like this, except for the bolded. I think they are green flags, but since no one ever asks me on a date, maybe they are red.

The thing is you can't change who you are. My parents were like this, too. And my parents are not struggling in retirement unlike a couple of their friends who are supporting their middle-aged children because they did not pass down frugality as a value.

To the person who said it was the sign of a low-maintenance woman, I totally agree. I am low maintenance. But I'm beginning to see that most men really don't want a low-maintenance woman, regardless of what they say.

I agree, not tipping or donating is a red flag IMO and refusing to go out to things doesn't sound like someone I'd like to spend time with.

I'm a married lawyer who lives way under my income. I don't buy expensive purses or drive an expensive car, I cook, meal prep and make coffee at home. But I'm not going to cheap out on my family, like swim lessons for my kids or a nice bucket list trip for my husband.

I'll instead work hard and earn bonuses that will cover trips or nice presents. And I donate regularly. I definitely don't cheap out on things like tipping or on our babysitters.

[Anonymous]

Living with a miser is soul-sucking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about someone who is a lawyer and makes very good money, but:

* never tips or donates
* almost never eats out, and if she does it’s always the cheapest place or the cheapest thing on the menu
* avoids things like concerts, sporting events, festivals, shows, spas, etc. because she it’s as a waste of money
* doesn’t spend money on entertainment, events, gifts, Ubers, clothes, etc.
* hates paying for convenience (delivery fees, checked bags, valet, subscriptions, etc.)
* travels a few times a year but always very cheaply (budget airlines/basic hotels/red-eyes/points deals)
* researches everything and buys the cheapest/highest-quality version of literally everything from toothpaste to furniture
* can’t fathom spending $200 on a dress or $2000 on coat

Would men see this as financially responsible and disciplined, or as overly cheap/miserly? Especially in dating, does this kind of mindset help or hurt?

This person sucks and would suck to be around

+1. Being around people with these money hangups is the worst. Let me be clear, I am not talking about poor people who need to economize to feed their kids or suggesting people skip funding their 401K to buy a Birkin, but people who nakr money but are cheap and constantly fixate on it are such bores.

+1

You don’t have to be a profligate spender, but pathological “frugality” is not a virtue and often makes for a miserable existence for both the frugal person and the people around them.

[Anonymous]

We have close family friends who have probably a 400k+ HHI and we would travel together and they were SO CHEAP that vacationing with them was hard. They never want to eat a proper meal out, they don’t want to do activities that cost money, it’s impossible. They want to make meals at the beach house and I love cooking but I’m on vacation!!! We are pretty frugal but it was too much for me.

[Anonymous]

I would hate to be with someone like this. It gets old real fast if you want to do something fun and they are anxious about spending $. Living with anyone who has harsh restrictions is tough. It just is. I fully believe in having a budget, knowing where your money needs to go each month, and giving yourself permission within that budget to prioritize your own enjoyment to a reasonable degree.

I think there is definitely value in being low maintenance and not having expensive taste. But this person sounds well past that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a 25M and goes about in his clean but worn clothes from years ago. When he's forced to buy new ones because there are too many holes in his, he picks the cheapest ones. He's usually very budget conscious, except for his children's education.

Some people just don't give a fig about appearances or what "they should do" and just live their lives however the heck they want. Often they're on the spectrum, because being autistic typically depresses the importance of societal norms.

If he always picks the cheapest clothes, that’s a sign that he DOES, in fact, “give a fig” - he cares about the appearance of being wise with money.

It’s not necessarily a virtue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about someone who is a lawyer and makes very good money, but:

* never tips or donates
* almost never eats out, and if she does it’s always the cheapest place or the cheapest thing on the menu
* avoids things like concerts, sporting events, festivals, shows, spas, etc. because she it’s as a waste of money
* doesn’t spend money on entertainment, events, gifts, Ubers, clothes, etc.
* hates paying for convenience (delivery fees, checked bags, valet, subscriptions, etc.)
* travels a few times a year but always very cheaply (budget airlines/basic hotels/red-eyes/points deals)
* researches everything and buys the cheapest/highest-quality version of literally everything from toothpaste to furniture
* can’t fathom spending $200 on a dress or $2000 on coat

Would men see this as financially responsible and disciplined, or as overly cheap/miserly? Especially in dating, does this kind of mindset help or hurt?

I'm like this, except for the bolded. I think they are green flags, but since no one ever asks me on a date, maybe they are red.

The thing is you can't change who you are. My parents were like this, too. And my parents are not struggling in retirement unlike a couple of their friends who are supporting their middle-aged children because they did not pass down frugality as a value.

To the person who said it was the sign of a low-maintenance woman, I totally agree. I am low maintenance. But I'm beginning to see that most men really don't want a low-maintenance woman, regardless of what they say.

1. Of course your parents aren’t struggling in retirement. It’s easy to sit around and not spend money because you have trained yourself to not have a life.

2. The bolded is an absurd leap in logic that makes me question your critical thinking skills.

I would imagine that if you are not being asked on dates, it’s less because of your self-proclaimed frugality, and more because of your judgmental nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about someone who is a lawyer and makes very good money, but:

* never tips or donates
* almost never eats out, and if she does it’s always the cheapest place or the cheapest thing on the menu
* avoids things like concerts, sporting events, festivals, shows, spas, etc. because she it’s as a waste of money
* doesn’t spend money on entertainment, events, gifts, Ubers, clothes, etc.
* hates paying for convenience (delivery fees, checked bags, valet, subscriptions, etc.)
* travels a few times a year but always very cheaply (budget airlines/basic hotels/red-eyes/points deals)
* researches everything and buys the cheapest/highest-quality version of literally everything from toothpaste to furniture
* can’t fathom spending $200 on a dress or $2000 on coat

Would men see this as financially responsible and disciplined, or as overly cheap/miserly? Especially in dating, does this kind of mindset help or hurt?

I was married to a man like this, and it was hell. Unfortunately I was also a SAHM, so I didn't have my own money.

I wasn't expecting much - an occasional weekend trip, nicer restaurants than Golden Corral a few times a year, family outings once or twice a month. But every time I brought it up, he would go on a rant about how much it costs and say no (even though we could absolutely afford it on his salary).

The day I knew I had to divorce him was when we went to yet another $10-all-you-can-eat-buffet, I ordered myself a $2 soda, and he screamed at me in the parking lot afterwards for ordering that soda because it was a waste of his money.

Would never date/marry someone like that again.

[Anonymous]

If she won't spend money, how exactly does she expect to date? Concerts, shows, entertainment, and restaurants are all a big part of dating. They can't even do Netflix & chill because she won't pay for subscriptions.

What are they supposed to do? Sit on the couch and stare at each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a 25M and goes about in his clean but worn clothes from years ago. When he's forced to buy new ones because there are too many holes in his, he picks the cheapest ones. He's usually very budget conscious, except for his children's education.

Some people just don't give a fig about appearances or what "they should do" and just live their lives however the heck they want. Often they're on the spectrum, because being autistic typically depresses the importance of societal norms.

If he always picks the cheapest clothes, that’s a sign that he DOES, in fact, “give a fig” - he cares about the appearance of being wise with money.

It’s not necessarily a virtue.

Most people on this board think it is a virtue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a 25M and goes about in his clean but worn clothes from years ago. When he's forced to buy new ones because there are too many holes in his, he picks the cheapest ones. He's usually very budget conscious, except for his children's education.

Some people just don't give a fig about appearances or what "they should do" and just live their lives however the heck they want. Often they're on the spectrum, because being autistic typically depresses the importance of societal norms.

If he always picks the cheapest clothes, that’s a sign that he DOES, in fact, “give a fig” - he cares about the appearance of being wise with money.

It’s not necessarily a virtue.

Most people on this board think it is a virtue.

People here claim to make a million a year but have an absolute mental breakdown in Chipotle because they had to pay two dollars extra for the guac. So, that's the audience.

[Anonymous]

Never tips or donated is a red flag.
You can debate tipping culture but not donating? Yikes.