2E parent of a 2E child

[Anonymous]

You need to accept the fact that he is not the go getter you want him to be.

I have a child who is very similar to yours. Part of the problem was that he didn't see the value in any of those things as long as it was coming from me in the form of a parental nag. So I stopped for the most part (other than failing grades) and let him be disheveled and stinky. You also have to know that 95% of this is not because he is lazy. He is dealing with a log with his disability and trying to keep up with kids who don't have the same challenges. Kids like ours also take longer to mature. Stop mourning the kid you wish you had and parent the one you have. I'm not trying to be mean, it's what I had to tell myself too.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The clothing and hygiene thing suggests sensory issues. Have you had that looked into?

He has some sensory issues, mostly around sounds. When he was younger he wanted fabrics to be soft like a lot of boys but that is better now.

I suspect sensory is driving the clothes and the hygiene.

You need to de-escalate your relationship by picking the highest priorities and dropping the rope on others. Stop hassling him constantly. Stop crying, punishing, yelling, begging, etc. Do that for a few weeks and then see if he's willing to explain to you his reasoning for wearing dirty clothes. There may be a reason!

Sensory is not driving any of it. It is all cognitive and character. He does not see anything or any obvious areas of low function.

I definitely do not believe that. Who would want to be stinky if they could easily avoid it?

Is he on the spectrum?

He is not stinky yet. But, you do not seem to understand the type of person he is. Who would want to be wearing pants that are too short, jackets that are too big, collars that aren't buttoned, clothes from the dirty hamper, jackets and ties that have food stains on them? Who wants to show up with greasy hair and smelly feet? Him. He would. He simply has no internal standards or sense or self-presentation.

Well, does he actually have a sense of smell? Start there. Some people are born without it.

He sounds on the spectrum. This is a social behavior issue and if he cannot understand the social reasons and social consequences, he has a social skills problem.

Look, you sound nice and I know you are trying to be helpful, but you don't get it. Yes, he has a sense of smell (better than mine). He has a self-esteem problem in the sense that he does not think he has a problem. He thinks this is all fine and I am the one being unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The clothing and hygiene thing suggests sensory issues. Have you had that looked into?

He has some sensory issues, mostly around sounds. When he was younger he wanted fabrics to be soft like a lot of boys but that is better now.

I suspect sensory is driving the clothes and the hygiene.

You need to de-escalate your relationship by picking the highest priorities and dropping the rope on others. Stop hassling him constantly. Stop crying, punishing, yelling, begging, etc. Do that for a few weeks and then see if he's willing to explain to you his reasoning for wearing dirty clothes. There may be a reason!

Sensory is not driving any of it. It is all cognitive and character. He does not see anything or any obvious areas of low function.

I definitely do not believe that. Who would want to be stinky if they could easily avoid it?

Is he on the spectrum?

He is not stinky yet. But, you do not seem to understand the type of person he is. Who would want to be wearing pants that are too short, jackets that are too big, collars that aren't buttoned, clothes from the dirty hamper, jackets and ties that have food stains on them? Who wants to show up with greasy hair and smelly feet? Him. He would. He simply has no internal standards or sense or self-presentation.

Well, does he actually have a sense of smell? Start there. Some people are born without it.

He sounds on the spectrum. This is a social behavior issue and if he cannot understand the social reasons and social consequences, he has a social skills problem.

Look, you sound nice and I know you are trying to be helpful, but you don't get it. Yes, he has a sense of smell (better than mine). He has a self-esteem problem in the sense that he does not think he has a problem. He thinks this is all fine and I am the one being unreasonable.

Does he really believe that, or is that what he's saying to you?

In any case, I don't think hygiene is a priority at the moment so I suggest you stop working on it. Let him be disgusting and take whatever consequences arise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And no, he is not on the spectrum. He has a major league executive dysfunction problem combined with a laissez faire/ "who, me?" attitude.And it's always external forces, always someone else's problem/responsibility/mistake. Not him.

My son was only diagnosed with autism when the psychologist suggested he get another neuropsych, this time while medicated for his severe ADHD. His ADHD had masked his autism during the first evaluation he had taken as a 10 year old, unmedicated. At 17, the evaluation identified autism quite clearly. Which we strongly suspected already, given his behavior, but it was nice to get it confirmed.

OP, your son is exhibiting typical ADHD/ASD behavior. The rigidity and blaming everyone but himself is typical, I'm afraid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And no, he is not on the spectrum. He has a major league executive dysfunction problem combined with a laissez faire/ "who, me?" attitude.And it's always external forces, always someone else's problem/responsibility/mistake. Not him.

It sounds like he is trying to avoid shame and preserve his dignity in the face of an overwhelming problem. Kids say they don't care, but really they do, they just don't know how to solve the problem and they are ashamed and try to save face.

He absolutely is--by doing nothing. Which is just more work avoidance.

I have very direct messages to him like, "keeping your head in the sand and pretending this will go away will not make it go away" rather you have to deal with the problem and "there is no secret sauce, there is no magic formula, you just have to DO YOUR HOMEWORK." and "I get that you don't know what you want to do, and that's okay, but the absolute bare minimum you do have to do is get the grades so that when you do understand more about who you are and what you want to do, you have a chance" and also call him on it when he is making excuses, blaming others, and behaving disgracefully (say by not handing in work in a class he claims to love with a teacher who has gone out of his way to help him). I also do not mince word when he is behaving shamefully (as with this teacher).

Kids today seem to think proud parents and high self esteem is automatic, when really they come from actually doing things.

[Anonymous]

This morning I absolutely lost it and told him point blank that he is the reason at the center of his problems. If he is experiencing negativity, it is because he is behaving in ways that generate that reaction in me and others. He isn't entitled to endless understanding; at a certain point he has to look in the mirror.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This morning I absolutely lost it and told him point blank that he is the reason at the center of his problems. If he is experiencing negativity, it is because he is behaving in ways that generate that reaction in me and others. He isn't entitled to endless understanding; at a certain point he has to look in the mirror.

He is not responsible for how you react!!! Why would you say that? kids with ADHD and autism (sounds like he really is on the spectrum) have super low self esteen anyway. Have you tried positive reinforcements such as giving him lots of praise even for things that seem dumb to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And no, he is not on the spectrum. He has a major league executive dysfunction problem combined with a laissez faire/ "who, me?" attitude.And it's always external forces, always someone else's problem/responsibility/mistake. Not him.

My son was only diagnosed with autism when the psychologist suggested he get another neuropsych, this time while medicated for his severe ADHD. His ADHD had masked his autism during the first evaluation he had taken as a 10 year old, unmedicated. At 17, the evaluation identified autism quite clearly. Which we strongly suspected already, given his behavior, but it was nice to get it confirmed.

OP, your son is exhibiting typical ADHD/ASD behavior. The rigidity and blaming everyone but himself is typical, I'm afraid.

Let me ask you something. What did you do with this information? How has having it changed what you do for your son? How has it helped him become more successful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And no, he is not on the spectrum. He has a major league executive dysfunction problem combined with a laissez faire/ "who, me?" attitude.And it's always external forces, always someone else's problem/responsibility/mistake. Not him.

It sounds like he is trying to avoid shame and preserve his dignity in the face of an overwhelming problem. Kids say they don't care, but really they do, they just don't know how to solve the problem and they are ashamed and try to save face.

He absolutely is--by doing nothing. Which is just more work avoidance.

I have very direct messages to him like, "keeping your head in the sand and pretending this will go away will not make it go away" rather you have to deal with the problem and "there is no secret sauce, there is no magic formula, you just have to DO YOUR HOMEWORK." and "I get that you don't know what you want to do, and that's okay, but the absolute bare minimum you do have to do is get the grades so that when you do understand more about who you are and what you want to do, you have a chance" and also call him on it when he is making excuses, blaming others, and behaving disgracefully (say by not handing in work in a class he claims to love with a teacher who has gone out of his way to help him). I also do not mince word when he is behaving shamefully (as with this teacher).

Kids today seem to think proud parents and high self esteem is automatic, when really they come from actually doing things.

Okay but what you're describing IS his disability and yelling at him about it won't help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This morning I absolutely lost it and told him point blank that he is the reason at the center of his problems. If he is experiencing negativity, it is because he is behaving in ways that generate that reaction in me and others. He isn't entitled to endless understanding; at a certain point he has to look in the mirror.

He is not responsible for how you react!!! Why would you say that? kids with ADHD and autism (sounds like he really is on the spectrum) have super low self esteen anyway. Have you tried positive reinforcements such as giving him lots of praise even for things that seem dumb to you?

People are responsible for understanding the effects of their actions and inactions on other people and to put two and two together when getting messages back from the world about what they are putting into it. Of course we are all responsible for how we interact with the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This morning I absolutely lost it and told him point blank that he is the reason at the center of his problems. If he is experiencing negativity, it is because he is behaving in ways that generate that reaction in me and others. He isn't entitled to endless understanding; at a certain point he has to look in the mirror.

He is not responsible for how you react!!! Why would you say that? kids with ADHD and autism (sounds like he really is on the spectrum) have super low self esteen anyway. Have you tried positive reinforcements such as giving him lots of praise even for things that seem dumb to you?

People are responsible for understanding the effects of their actions and inactions on other people and to put two and two together when getting messages back from the world about what they are putting into it. Of course we are all responsible for how we interact with the world.

Sure, and YOU are responsible for how you react to him. Just like you are responsible for how you react to your husband, boss, mother, etc. You are not going to motivate him by constantly telling him he is failing at everything and what a huge disappointment he is to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And no, he is not on the spectrum. He has a major league executive dysfunction problem combined with a laissez faire/ "who, me?" attitude.And it's always external forces, always someone else's problem/responsibility/mistake. Not him.

My son was only diagnosed with autism when the psychologist suggested he get another neuropsych, this time while medicated for his severe ADHD. His ADHD had masked his autism during the first evaluation he had taken as a 10 year old, unmedicated. At 17, the evaluation identified autism quite clearly. Which we strongly suspected already, given his behavior, but it was nice to get it confirmed.

OP, your son is exhibiting typical ADHD/ASD behavior. The rigidity and blaming everyone but himself is typical, I'm afraid.

Let me ask you something. What did you do with this information? How has having it changed what you do for your son? How has it helped him become more successful?

It might help your son understand that he isn't this lazy , disgusting slacker that his mom says he is...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This morning I absolutely lost it and told him point blank that he is the reason at the center of his problems. If he is experiencing negativity, it is because he is behaving in ways that generate that reaction in me and others. He isn't entitled to endless understanding; at a certain point he has to look in the mirror.

I think he needed to hear it, OP. I don't blame you for losing it. I lost it so many times at my ADHD and Asperger's son! At least he's learned not to reflexively blame others without good reason. If such criticism also comes with strong support for his needs the rest of the time, it's a good balance. It would be a dereliction of duty NOT to address the issues clearly and honestly. We don't want to be enablers, but supporters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to my world. My 2E ADHD/ASD/etc kid is 21 and he blew his chances at finding an internship this summer. He literally forgot to check his email for a week, and did not respond to an offer for an interview. While he's worked and improved on a lot of issues, he still has so many.

It's a long, hard, road, OP. I have episodes of leaning in, then pulling back, because I need to take care of my own health. My blood pressure rises to deeply unhealthy levels when I have to deal with his problems... however, the goal is financial independence for him, which means not presenting like a clown, acceptable personal hygiene, a minimum of social skills, and you know... checking his bloody email!

Big hugs, OP. It's in your interest to not have a failure-to-launch kid. This is what I'm trying to avoid.

Thank you. I will keep this in mind. He was SUCH an amazing promising younger kid and everyone expcted hi to be the most successful. At this point with his grades we are looking at community college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to my world. My 2E ADHD/ASD/etc kid is 21 and he blew his chances at finding an internship this summer. He literally forgot to check his email for a week, and did not respond to an offer for an interview. While he's worked and improved on a lot of issues, he still has so many.

It's a long, hard, road, OP. I have episodes of leaning in, then pulling back, because I need to take care of my own health. My blood pressure rises to deeply unhealthy levels when I have to deal with his problems... however, the goal is financial independence for him, which means not presenting like a clown, acceptable personal hygiene, a minimum of social skills, and you know... checking his bloody email!

Big hugs, OP. It's in your interest to not have a failure-to-launch kid. This is what I'm trying to avoid.

Thank you. I will keep this in mind. He was SUCH an amazing promising younger kid and everyone expcted hi to be the most successful. At this point with his grades we are looking at community college.

My ADHD/ASD son is going to go to community college and there is nothing wrong with that. Please consider who your audience is in this forum. You're coming off and less and less sympathetic.