Why its almost always women putting partner's career ahead of their own

[Anonymous]

When I prioritized my career, I got punished - complaints from boyfriends about how I wasn't spending enough time with them, and, in the case of my DH, he cheated on me repeatedly. When I asked him what it would take for him to change, his response was that I needed to be with him 24/7 - he was dead serious. That, of course, was the death knell of our relationship. I left him, but he had his revenge by refusing to take any custody of our 2 kids, which basically ruined the career I had trained for and worked in because it required travel that wasn't compatible with being a single mom.

Many men believe that it is the woman's job to service them in many dimensions beyond sexual. When faced with having to do 2 jobs - paid work and all the unpaid work w/ home & parenting, many women reasonably choose to have just 1 job.

Given the era I grew up in - 70s/80s - I personally thought I would be able to have a career and kids too. I thought we were past all the sexism that kept women out of the work place. Many women manage it. But, in my case, a husband who was completely feckless in terms of home and parenting, combined with 2 kids who had their own serious illnesses finally made me give up my career (and my husband). I work, but it's not what I would consider a "career". It's just a job that pays the bills (barely) and allows me to be there when my kids need me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is 2026. Why aren't more men doing it?

Because many people still have common sense. Men are providers by nature. Household and children are the primary responsibilities of women. This type of lifestyle is closest to the human nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I prioritized my career, I got punished - complaints from boyfriends about how I wasn't spending enough time with them, and, in the case of my DH, he cheated on me repeatedly. When I asked him what it would take for him to change, his response was that I needed to be with him 24/7 - he was dead serious. That, of course, was the death knell of our relationship. I left him, but he had his revenge by refusing to take any custody of our 2 kids, which basically ruined the career I had trained for and worked in because it required travel that wasn't compatible with being a single mom.

Many men believe that it is the woman's job to service them in many dimensions beyond sexual. When faced with having to do 2 jobs - paid work and all the unpaid work w/ home & parenting, many women reasonably choose to have just 1 job.

Given the era I grew up in - 70s/80s - I personally thought I would be able to have a career and kids too. I thought we were past all the sexism that kept women out of the work place. Many women manage it. But, in my case, a husband who was completely feckless in terms of home and parenting, combined with 2 kids who had their own serious illnesses finally made me give up my career (and my husband). I work, but it's not what I would consider a "career". It's just a job that pays the bills (barely) and allows me to be there when my kids need me.

THIS. This was true in my marriage - he wanted me to pay at least 50% of the bills but resented that I had to work to do so. His one responsibility was taking DD to a daycare that was literally right next to his office and he still complained nonstop about how “hard” it was. Then he ended up cheating.

Now that I’m dating again, I’ve found it’s the same with boyfriends. They expect me to drop everything to take a random 4 day weekend, to leave work for a lunch date, if I dare to catch up on some work in the evening they pout nonstop about how I’m not paying attention to them. The last guy I dated would constantly call me in the middle of the workday and want to talk on the phone for an hour.

I was stupid when I was younger and cut back on my career to please men, but not anymore. I’m teaching my daughters to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I prioritized my career, I got punished - complaints from boyfriends about how I wasn't spending enough time with them, and, in the case of my DH, he cheated on me repeatedly. When I asked him what it would take for him to change, his response was that I needed to be with him 24/7 - he was dead serious. That, of course, was the death knell of our relationship. I left him, but he had his revenge by refusing to take any custody of our 2 kids, which basically ruined the career I had trained for and worked in because it required travel that wasn't compatible with being a single mom.

Many men believe that it is the woman's job to service them in many dimensions beyond sexual. When faced with having to do 2 jobs - paid work and all the unpaid work w/ home & parenting, many women reasonably choose to have just 1 job.

Given the era I grew up in - 70s/80s - I personally thought I would be able to have a career and kids too. I thought we were past all the sexism that kept women out of the work place. Many women manage it. But, in my case, a husband who was completely feckless in terms of home and parenting, combined with 2 kids who had their own serious illnesses finally made me give up my career (and my husband). I work, but it's not what I would consider a "career". It's just a job that pays the bills (barely) and allows me to be there when my kids need me.

THIS. This was true in my marriage - he wanted me to pay at least 50% of the bills but resented that I had to work to do so. His one responsibility was taking DD to a daycare that was literally right next to his office and he still complained nonstop about how “hard” it was. Then he ended up cheating.

Now that I’m dating again, I’ve found it’s the same with boyfriends. They expect me to drop everything to take a random 4 day weekend, to leave work for a lunch date, if I dare to catch up on some work in the evening they pout nonstop about how I’m not paying attention to them. The last guy I dated would constantly call me in the middle of the workday and want to talk on the phone for an hour.

I was stupid when I was younger and cut back on my career to please men, but not anymore. I’m teaching my daughters to do the same.

Every man is the problem and not you. Yes, we believe you.

[Anonymous]

Because DH was in the military when I met him and was forced to move around. I could either keep my job and live 500 miles away or prioritize his job over mine.

[Anonymous]

In general, it’s unmanly when a man slow pedals his career and lets his wife do the heavy lifting. Maybe some outlier women are okay with that but most will get the ick. It’s human nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In general, it’s unmanly when a man slow pedals his career and lets his wife do the heavy lifting. Maybe some outlier women are okay with that but most will get the ick. It’s human nature.

False. It’s societal conditioning.

I can’t think of anything less masculine than men with so little confidence they don’t lean into their families.

[Anonymous]

I think that the emotional motivations of women and men are different. Especially in a marriage. Especially when you have kids.

[Anonymous]

Women careers cannot be adequately maintained without a lot of support because every emotional burden in the family and household tends to shift on them because they are the nurturers.

My DD and DIL will get our support (regardless of if they want to keep working or not) with childcare, nanny, cleaners, part time cook, tutors etc - because we understand that it is important for women to have that kind of support - for the well being of the entire family.

[Anonymous]

I stepped back from my career that I loved to raise the kids. The reasons were:

1) just being pregnant was really hard on me
2) giving birth and recovering from that took time
3) men cannot breast-feed, if you want to breast-feed your baby, it’s on you. Pumping doesn’t really solve that because you still have to wake up to pump.

Between #1 and #2, a year is gone. Then another year for the not sleeping through the night phase and #3. x3 kids and you have six years. At that point you have a two, four, and six-year-old, and it is really tough to have both parents working in demanding full-time non flexible jobs where you cannot work from home at all, possibly unless you have some reliable family help. In my experience, hired help isn’t the same, they’re just not as dependable, it’s tough to get them to work the hours that you truly need, and frankly they’re not as good. And then the kids get a little older and things get easier, but then something like Covid hits and they are home again, and since you’ve been the one home all along, it’s still you. Then you get into the high school where the demands, stress, and the drama increase, plus you have been out a really long time, and it just feels like it doesn’t make sense to try to go back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stepped back from my career that I loved to raise the kids. The reasons were:

1) just being pregnant was really hard on me
2) giving birth and recovering from that took time
3) men cannot breast-feed, if you want to breast-feed your baby, it’s on you. Pumping doesn’t really solve that because you still have to wake up to pump.

Between #1 and #2, a year is gone. Then another year for the not sleeping through the night phase and #3. x3 kids and you have six years. At that point you have a two, four, and six-year-old, and it is really tough to have both parents working in demanding full-time non flexible jobs where you cannot work from home at all, possibly unless you have some reliable family help. In my experience, hired help isn’t the same, they’re just not as dependable, it’s tough to get them to work the hours that you truly need, and frankly they’re not as good. And then the kids get a little older and things get easier, but then something like Covid hits and they are home again, and since you’ve been the one home all along, it’s still you. Then you get into the high school where the demands, stress, and the drama increase, plus you have been out a really long time, and it just feels like it doesn’t make sense to try to go back.

Hell, NO. You cannot have 3 kids. Only 2. Unless your 2nd pregnancy was multiples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is 2026. Why aren't more men doing it?

I know a few couples where the woman is the higher earner and her career is the priority. The husbands are very laid back and they don’t have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stepped back from my career that I loved to raise the kids. The reasons were:

1) just being pregnant was really hard on me
2) giving birth and recovering from that took time
3) men cannot breast-feed, if you want to breast-feed your baby, it’s on you. Pumping doesn’t really solve that because you still have to wake up to pump.

Between #1 and #2, a year is gone. Then another year for the not sleeping through the night phase and #3. x3 kids and you have six years. At that point you have a two, four, and six-year-old, and it is really tough to have both parents working in demanding full-time non flexible jobs where you cannot work from home at all, possibly unless you have some reliable family help. In my experience, hired help isn’t the same, they’re just not as dependable, it’s tough to get them to work the hours that you truly need, and frankly they’re not as good. And then the kids get a little older and things get easier, but then something like Covid hits and they are home again, and since you’ve been the one home all along, it’s still you. Then you get into the high school where the demands, stress, and the drama increase, plus you have been out a really long time, and it just feels like it doesn’t make sense to try to go back.

- You need to live in a multi-generational home where every person is looked after. No exploitation.
- You need to pool resources to buy larger homes in nicer neighborhoods with better public schools.
- You need pooled resources that allows for multi-gen homes to get cleaners and part time cooks.
- You need nannies who can help the grandparents with childcare so that they are not exhausted.
- You need grandparents who have done the Swedish Death Cleanse so that their stuff is sorted and their health is good.
- You need a close-knit family and lots of patience.

But, this is the only model I saw working well in my entire life in the US where the woman is also working - and the family could have it all.

This probably won't work here because people are stressing if DH takes MIL for brunch on mother's day. LOL.

Oh, where is my village?

Destined to live in a rich country but live unhappy shitty lives.

[Anonymous]

Mom's brain gets rewired when baby is born. Otherwise, our species would not survive.

[Anonymous]

After having my first I just stopped caring so much about my career. Most of my friends have felt similarly. It’s what PP said—your brain is rewired. I think it happens to men too but not to the same degree.