Feeling resentful after sacrificing for my DH’s career—how to restore balance?

[Anonymous]

The condition has to relate to sex with the husband, right? Everything else seems solvable so it must require his physical presence.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to make up a hypothetical to see if it helps you think it through. Let’s imagine you love archery or ice skating. To participate at a top amateur level, you need to practice three days a week for 2 hours and then you need to go to a tournament on the 2nd Saturday of every month that takes you 10 hours and sometimes you need to spend Friday night away from home. Your husband promised he would not have to work Saturdays and now he has to do so.

You already have a plan for a babysitter to cover your three days a week of practice. But now, you may never be able to go to a tournament again. You are devastated because this is super important to you. First, can you pay a sitter? Second, can a relative help?

Let’s pretend you have plenty of money and you know your mom would love to do this. But your husband isn’t super excited to have your mom one weekend a month. The answer to him is “suck it up buttercup” assuming your mom isn’t actually toxic. And you pay to fly her in.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think marriage can often be balanced. I think you need to have a shared vision and then divide things up in a way that maximizes how you get to that vision. Maybe you need to figure out what that vision is?

[Anonymous]

You’re feeling this way because you gave up significant power and he is taking advantage because he can.

Women need to understand relationship dynamics and remember that no one cares about you as much as you care about you.

If I were you, I absolutely would not agree to his workaround in order to make sure he understands that he needs to follow through on his commitments.

Typically I advise the SAH parent to defer to the breadwinner for logistics, but in this case you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of being taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m feeling emotional fatigue after making several sacrifices to support my husband’s career over the past few years. We’ve made major life changes to accommodate his job, including a specific condition I set when he took on a new position a few weeks ago. Now, he’s finding out he can’t meet that condition, and I’m feeling resentful and a bit lost.

I work, but he’s the primary breadwinner, and I’ve been understanding of his career demands. At the same time, I feel like I’ve sacrificed a lot of myself, and I’m at a point where I don’t want to keep giving pieces of myself for his job. I’m not asking for much, just balance, but I’m struggling with how to get past my disappointment. Also, I know people may suggest that he look for a different job, but that’s not an option right now because of the benefits and stability his current role provides.

How do you deal with this kind of sacrifice fatigue and re-establish balance when your partner’s career demands so much?

Which solutions would you suggest if you were advising you and your spouse as a fair and neutral consultant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But do you have good benefits from the sacrifices? I could get resentful if I let myself. But I remind myself of what we have because of my sacrifices and it makes me feel better. It doesn’t serve me to dwell on my sacrifices, to be honest. So I just don’t.

This^. If those sacrifices were mutually agreed upon and benefited you, your spouse and your children, there is no point in resentment. If you don't wish to do so in future then communicate and plan with him. May be he can't make required changes this month but in a year or two. May be y'all can delegate some of your responsibilities to get you more flexibility. Don't forget that resentment is one of the main reason for divorce. Look forward, not backwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

Wow. This isn’t what I have seen AT ALL.

Ehhh I've seen it..

I feel like the really bright, hardworking, likable young women end up working part time or taking a big step back after having children.
(No comment on anyone else).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

Wow. This isn’t what I have seen AT ALL.

Ehhh I've seen it..

DP. I've seen it too. I think it's the rule, not the exception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the woman whose husband took a job that is now requiring the midnight shift?

I think so too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

Wow. This isn’t what I have seen AT ALL.

Ehhh I've seen it..

I feel like the really bright, hardworking, likable young women end up working part time or taking a big step back after having children.
(No comment on anyone else).

Pregnancy, labor, postpartum, breastfeeding are biological reasons but patriarchal setting is the major reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

Wow. This isn’t what I have seen AT ALL.

Ehhh I've seen it..

I feel like the really bright, hardworking, likable young women end up working part time or taking a big step back after having children.
(No comment on anyone else).

Pregnancy, labor, postpartum, breastfeeding are biological reasons but patriarchal setting is the major reason.

It's easy to complain about something, but what is your actual solution. "It's the patriarchy" is not much more than a slogan, I'm sure you have more than this, and if not maybe just don't say it. This phenomenon, women stepping back, exists even the parts of our society that have incredibly progressive benefits, etc., and when leadership is aggressively trying to promote women professionally. (Think top tier investment banks, consultancies, etc.) I think what you're proposing must be a culture change. But you have to recognize that at least some part of this is coming from what women want, not what men are forcing them to do. Do you want them to want something else? And how do you get your head around the condescension implicit in that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

When I look back, I feel grateful for the life we built but also feel some resentment for biological, cultural and logistical barriers which made us follow this path. However, as new and young expats in a new country learning the ropes without any support system, it was also a rational decision.

[Anonymous]

Hunter and gatherer conditioning in addition to biological need of mothering play a big part. Not everyone can or want to hire surrogates and nannies to make them a mother.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I have to give more info because people assume it has to do with childcare or that I’m some other poster who posted above moving. That’s not me and this has nothing to do with childcare.

So, I host a weekly event on Friday mornings from my home. It’s been ongoing most every Friday for years. Now all of a sudden my husband has a WFH option on Fridays. His workaround for me is to host Saturday, or later on Fridays, or from somewhere else, but that doesn’t work for the others, and I’m not interested in moving this to the weekend or somewhere else. He needs quiet, so my hosting is a conflict.

Someone asked what I would advise as a workaround, and that would be for HIM to WFH somewhere else on Fridays, but I can’t, because he’s the “breadwinner” and so his preference trumps mine.

But I was assured the house would be mine on Friday mornings. I was very clear in this, and he knew how important this was to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

Wow. This isn’t what I have seen AT ALL.

Ehhh I've seen it..

I feel like the really bright, hardworking, likable young women end up working part time or taking a big step back after having children.
(No comment on anyone else).

Pregnancy, labor, postpartum, breastfeeding are biological reasons but patriarchal setting is the major reason.

It's easy to complain about something, but what is your actual solution. "It's the patriarchy" is not much more than a slogan, I'm sure you have more than this, and if not maybe just don't say it. This phenomenon, women stepping back, exists even the parts of our society that have incredibly progressive benefits, etc., and when leadership is aggressively trying to promote women professionally. (Think top tier investment banks, consultancies, etc.) I think what you're proposing must be a culture change. But you have to recognize that at least some part of this is coming from what women want, not what men are forcing them to do. Do you want them to want something else? And how do you get your head around the condescension implicit in that?

I don’t think that men think of themselves as “forcing” their wives to do anything. They are just doing what they need to do, and they don’t really think how it will affect their wives and children. They tell their wives to do “whatever makes them happy” in terms of working or staying at home. Meanwhile, a lot of men can’t predictably drop-off or pick up kids from school or daycare, can’t take off at the last minute or leave in the middle of the day for a sick child, can’t say “no” to whatever thing requires them to travel more or come in early or stay late, especially if it means extra money or getting in a good word with the boss, etc etc.

I think the culture shift is happening, but it’s slow. Essentially, men with children should be seen like women with children. And it should be assumed, by men and by their employer, that they will be doing 1/2 the childcare at home.