How to scale back friendship with friend’s spouse without scaling back relationship with friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds really immature behavior from your friend’s husband and your DH. This friend couple sounds like not mature enough for you anymore. And it’s ok to outgrow a dynamic that doesn’t work and move on.

But your DH is not showing maturity here either— I’d tackle that with him quickly, and like other posters say don’t put up with that.

OP here and I completely agree. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Just grow a little skin and stop being so sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is called two women meeting for lunch.

This.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately there really is not much you can do about your friend’s husband as he seems really set in his ways.

You may just have to spend less time in their company.
Are you sure that speaking to him or your friend directly will not change things??
Perhaps they are simply not aware that what he says hurts your feelings.
Could your husband maybe speak to the spouse and let him know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. All makes sense. I hate to come back with jokes to make him feel dumb and embarrassed because that’s not who I am but I do understand that’s how you take a bully down.

Spouse thinks I’m being sensitive and believes the guy isn’t being rude. Not really sure what my friend thinks but I’ve heard her on many occasions give him looks when he says things about other people, including herself.

Well, that says a lot, expecially since he knows you and is a witness. Are you too sensitive? Maybe it is you and not him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. All makes sense. I hate to come back with jokes to make him feel dumb and embarrassed because that’s not who I am but I do understand that’s how you take a bully down.

Spouse thinks I’m being sensitive and believes the guy isn’t being rude. Not really sure what my friend thinks but I’ve heard her on many occasions give him looks when he says things about other people, including herself.

Well, that says a lot, expecially since he knows you and is a witness. Are you too sensitive? Maybe it is you and not him.

OP here. I will admit that I do have a tendency to get my feelings hurt easily and can overthink things, but him blatantly saying “your hairstyle was terrible” crossed a line for me. He was not joking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately there really is not much you can do about your friend’s husband as he seems really set in his ways.

You may just have to spend less time in their company.
Are you sure that speaking to him or your friend directly will not change things??
Perhaps they are simply not aware that what he says hurts your feelings.
Could your husband maybe speak to the spouse and let him know?

OP here. DH will not speak to the spouse. This guy really is set in his ways. We’ve all talked to him about what he says about people and it falls on deaf ears. Speaking to my friend may warrant her saying something to him but he won’t change it. As I said, she’s lost friends and gotten rid of friends because of him, so if anything, if this continues, we likely won’t be friends.

[Anonymous]

WHY are you keeping these people in your life? Cut them loose. Please don’t return and say she is a good friend because she isn’t.

[Anonymous]

I would:

Dump the friends
Get my DH in marriage counseling

OP you have to have a circle around you who loves you and shows it. This is really important as you get older. Your H saying “you allowed this dynamic now it’s on you to change it” is such abandonment of his responsibility to you. That is the dynamic that actually needs to change.