How to regulate chat groups?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I actually firmly believe that this is the age to help kids navigate social dynamics and I don't think pretending virtual interaction doesn't exist is the way to approach this. They need our guidance in all social situations including how to be safe online and how to behave appropriately in chats with friends. I am going to remove him from the large ones and just monitor closely the chat in smaller groups and keep his iPad time in general very low.
He is in sixth grade so this might not be the right forum, but I didn't see a middle school one.

You are a great parent OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No chat groups. No texting. No phones. Everything is analog. Come back when you're in eighth grade and we'll reconsider.

Yeah, and only churning butter for entertainment, and those awesome little ball and loop toys.

I'm considering giving my 21 year old a rotary phone, but I think those are sent from satan.

Ok, but while your child is staring at her phone for three hours, in tears because someone at school didn't thumbs up her comment, my kids are running around the neighborhood with all their friends.

Rejection happened to kids before tech as well so what exactly are you trying to shelter your child from? Isn’t it better to have some feelings in middle school that can be discussed with your parents in a safe place rather than the first time in college when alone in a strange new city, less parent involvement and bigger issues at hand?

[Anonymous]

We had our kids sign a tech contract that clearly outlined what was allowed and what wasn't, and what the consequences were for breaking the contract (loss of phone for 48 hours, loss for 1 week, loss for 2 weeks, and don't think about getting your phone back). Oldest lost the phone for 48 hours once, and neither one of them broke the contract after that. If you aren't going to be able to follow through, don't create consequences.

Google for appropriate tech contracts based on age, and cut and paste to create one that works for your family. We would sometimes sit next to them and say, show me (chats, emails, texts, etc.) and they knew as part of their contract we had the right to know all passwords and look at the phones any time we wanted. And then we spot checked in the evenings every once in a while. As they got older, as in 10th grade or so, we stopped checking - you have to trust at some point

[Anonymous]

I have a 4th grade boy and have been navigating this with FB Messenger Kids for a few years. I carefully monitor who is allowed to be his “friend” on kids messenger. Only kids I know are allowed to be his friend and message him. I know some of his friends are on the huge text chains (actual, real texting or IMessage - my kid doesn’t have a phone and his tablet is connected to my account and my family account) of 20+ kids. And that’s where they’re getting into trouble. Two of his friends are mad at each other because friend “A” told girl “C” that friend “B” likes her and she said she didn’t like him like that and then A was gloating about it. Apparently. This was shared via screen shot with my kid on an individual message. But at the same time, doesn’t that happen in school too? I know it happened in the dark ages when we were kids.

Texting and voice chat is how they communicate in games and stuff. I don’t think it’s a totally bad thing. I know some of his friends are stuck at home when parents are working and being on kids messenger voice chat while playing whatever game is at least keeping them out of trouble and keeping them occupied. At the same time the huge text chains are a no go for me right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately you cannot remove yourself from a chat group if it is mixed android and apple devices participating

Don't fall for this Apple marketing. Little kids don't need an iPhone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately you cannot remove yourself from a chat group if it is mixed android and apple devices participating

Don't fall for this Apple marketing. Little kids don't need an iPhone!

+1

When college professors say they're seeing kids who don't have the attention span to read a single book, this is how it begins -- by giving phones to elementary school kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I actually firmly believe that this is the age to help kids navigate social dynamics and I don't think pretending virtual interaction doesn't exist is the way to approach this. They need our guidance in all social situations including how to be safe online and how to behave appropriately in chats with friends. I am going to remove him from the large ones and just monitor closely the chat in smaller groups and keep his iPad time in general very low.
He is in sixth grade so this might not be the right forum, but I didn't see a middle school one.

You are a great parent OP

Thanks, this is nice to hear!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately you cannot remove yourself from a chat group if it is mixed android and apple devices participating

Don't fall for this Apple marketing. Little kids don't need an iPhone!

+1

When college professors say they're seeing kids who don't have the attention span to read a single book, this is how it begins -- by giving phones to elementary school kids.

I am shocked by the amount of parents giving fifth graders phones at our school. With all the research out there, I can't believe anyone would think that is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately you cannot remove yourself from a chat group if it is mixed android and apple devices participating

Don't fall for this Apple marketing. Little kids don't need an iPhone!

+1

When college professors say they're seeing kids who don't have the attention span to read a single book, this is how it begins -- by giving phones to elementary school kids.

I am shocked by the amount of parents giving fifth graders phones at our school. With all the research out there, I can't believe anyone would think that is a good idea.

Honestly, I don’t think they are good for any teens. It isn’t heathy to be connected to your friends literally all day long. Kids fill each other’s heads with a lot of dumb (and sometimes mean and dangerous) stuff- especially through text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately you cannot remove yourself from a chat group if it is mixed android and apple devices participating

Don't fall for this Apple marketing. Little kids don't need an iPhone!

+1

When college professors say they're seeing kids who don't have the attention span to read a single book, this is how it begins -- by giving phones to elementary school kids.

I am shocked by the amount of parents giving fifth graders phones at our school. With all the research out there, I can't believe anyone would think that is a good idea.

Honestly, I don’t think they are good for any teens. It isn’t heathy to be connected to your friends literally all day long. Kids fill each other’s heads with a lot of dumb (and sometimes mean and dangerous) stuff- especially through text.

If your kid is in a lot of drop off activities, having a smartphone can keep help them safer. Being able to text or call family and look at Google maps is not going to harm them or make them dumber. You wouldn't let your child fly alone without a phone, would you? But as soon as the kid gets home the phone should go back to the parents, and the parents ultimately are the only ones who have unrestricted access to everything on the phone. It's not something kids should be keeping in their rooms, loaded with social media apps that they stay on all night long.

[Anonymous]

Starting in 6th grade, my DS had an Apple Watch and iPad from which he can receive and send texts. He's in 7th grade now. The group chats seemed a bit more problematic last year than this year--in part because I think it was a novelty for a lot of the kids in the chat and because DS was learning how to navigate interacting with his friends and classmates in that manner. We monitor his texts and he knows it. I check regularly, but at random intervals. (He also knows that we can find any texts he deletes).

There were a couple of texts that he received--group and individual--that we had to discuss with him. We also had to tell him to change the name of one of his group chats or leave it entirely because another member changed it to an inappropriate name. My DS didn't seem to understand the references in these situations, so we had to explain it to him and explain what he should do upon receiving those texts--including coming to us if he wasn't sure whether a text was a problem. We have also discussed with him repeatedly that every text he sends, or every text he reacts to, can be screenshotted and "live forever."

His watch and iPad live in our family room so he is not on these devices in his room. He also must ask before using his iPad whether for school or fun. We have parental controls on the iPad and we can see which apps he accesses and how much time he spent on them.

Overall, it's working for us. He's a pretty responsible kid. He's also super busy with school and sports and doesn't spend much time on his devices. Being able to text or call him on the Apple Watch has been really helpful since he takes public transportation to/from school and when he meets up with friends.

[Anonymous]

What are group chat app talking about here? On tablet, phone or watch? My 4th grader son tells that some boy love to talk random things, trash and spread out some rumors and sometimes he gets pissed or annoyed but he still plays with some of them. I wonder what things they have to group chat if they can see them at school Monday to Friday? We have not done group chat yet because I don't know how it works and I am concerned that they cause more drama and hurt feelings with texting or group chat among all these silly and immature kids. I did not have my first phone till adult, so lol, all new to me to navigate this.

[Anonymous]

They use it as far as I can tell so far to coordinate times to play together on Roblox and other games. Also saying a lot of "67" back and forth ughhhh. Roblox is also problematic but is very widely used by pretty much every classmate and is also part of socializing because they play in smaller groups together and then discuss in the chats. It all appears pretty innocent so far.

[Anonymous]

Just a head’s up for all the “no group chat” parents—my elementary school student is in a “group chat” facilitated via Google Docs and her school email account. The entire class has a shared Google Doc where they type messages to each other. All that to say—there may be unexpected holes in your tech policy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all sounds pretty normal and healthy to me. They are learning social skills, and some of that these days is over chat. Heck, when I was in 6th grade, I was spending at least an hour a day on AOL instant messenger! I'd strongly prefer this to, say, social media or scrolling on tik tok, and it's great he doesn't have a phone.

I'd do a couple things:

1) I'd give up on trying to read every single message every day. That's a HUGE time suck. I'd go with more of a spot check vibe. Make sure he knows you're reading messages (that's always good for him to have in his mind! My mother will see this!) and then spend 10-20 mins a day going through a few of the chains. If you spot a problem, or suspect a problem, then you can always revisit.

2) If you are close with any of the other parents, you might give them a heads up that you're doing this, and if they are doing something similar and spot anything concerning involving your kid, to let you know, and you can do the same. This only works if you're friends though. But it doubles the eyes. There's often threads on here about "would you tell the other parents?" and letting close friends of yours know proactively that you'd like to be told sounds like a win.

3) Strictly limit the devices at night and before bed. They go in a charger in your room an hour before bed, or similar.

4) As far as total time, I'd actually initiate a conversation rather than setting a rule. "I thought that since you joined all these text chains, your screen time has gone up, so I took a look - want to guess how much higher it is this month than last month?" Talk to him about it - also mention any effects you're seeing. "You used to be able to focus on your new lego kits for hours and really get lost in them and make awesome things, and I think that was really fun for you, and relaxing, and now you're up every 20 minutes checking your messages." And be willing to cop to your own bad habits or struggles with this too, if applicable. See if he agrees, and if you can work together to find some limits you both agree to on this. If they apply to you, too, all the better (for him and you).

5) Continue conversations about what's okay in group chats (stupid conversations about bathroom words and jokes) and what's not (cruelty, sexual stuff, etc) and reinforce that everything you type is forever.

6) Make sure he's continuing and even increasing (as he gets into the teen years) in person socializing. Encourage him to invite friends over, provide pizza and good snacks, stay out of their hair. Whatever makes sense for keeping the 3 dimensional world his primary social world.

Pretty sure I don't want to know what a group of middle school boys talks about in online chats. I'm sure a lot of it would stand your hair on end.

My kid's was pretty boring. What's the homework and talking about sports games. Not all kids are messed up.