Feeling like I'm the spouse who is always "on" and keeping things in order

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had surgery in 2021, was bedridden for 2 weeks after, and barely mobile for another 2 weeks. We have literally never caught up from it. Like PP I tried to implement better systems after that for fear of what might happen to the kids if I were ever out of the picture for good, but DH couldn't manage it and my imagined death wasn't sufficiently motivating.

Instead I am focused on raising the kids to be competent and responsible for their surroundings. It's sad when a 9 year old can handle life better than a grown man.

What on Earth got so neglected in 4 weeks that you never caught up on it?

[Anonymous]

Why do all you people marry ADHD people?

[Anonymous]

I was the spouse who did 98% of the home and parenting duties without any hired help. DH was too overwhelmed with his travel job and aging parents to give me a chance to even think of a career, a hobby ir even a breather to he my self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had surgery in 2021, was bedridden for 2 weeks after, and barely mobile for another 2 weeks. We have literally never caught up from it. Like PP I tried to implement better systems after that for fear of what might happen to the kids if I were ever out of the picture for good, but DH couldn't manage it and my imagined death wasn't sufficiently motivating.

Instead I am focused on raising the kids to be competent and responsible for their surroundings. It's sad when a 9 year old can handle life better than a grown man.

What on Earth got so neglected in 4 weeks that you never caught up on it?

So much. But the kicker was that DH didn't apparently didn't touch a single item of his dirty clothing or piece of paper/mail during that time, and hid a bunch of it at the back of a closet in a panic once I was mobile. Then we moved last year. And what did he pack when we moved? Hidden piles of crap from 2021! Which are still in a box. Yes, weeks of ancient dirty laundry, receipts, junk mail, important mail, even birthday cards got tossed in a box and sealed. I can't even type the rest because it's so enraging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had surgery in 2021, was bedridden for 2 weeks after, and barely mobile for another 2 weeks. We have literally never caught up from it. Like PP I tried to implement better systems after that for fear of what might happen to the kids if I were ever out of the picture for good, but DH couldn't manage it and my imagined death wasn't sufficiently motivating.

Instead I am focused on raising the kids to be competent and responsible for their surroundings. It's sad when a 9 year old can handle life better than a grown man.

What on Earth got so neglected in 4 weeks that you never caught up on it?

So much. But the kicker was that DH didn't apparently didn't touch a single item of his dirty clothing or piece of paper/mail during that time, and hid a bunch of it at the back of a closet in a panic once I was mobile. Then we moved last year. And what did he pack when we moved? Hidden piles of crap from 2021! Which are still in a box. Yes, weeks of ancient dirty laundry, receipts, junk mail, important mail, even birthday cards got tossed in a box and sealed. I can't even type the rest because it's so enraging.

Wait, you are SO on top of things that you don't know that there are piles (plural) of crap in the back of a closet in a house that you live in for 4 years? How big is your house?
I smell something and its not dirty laundry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do all you people marry ADHD people?

I had no idea such people existed. They were locked away back in the old country. Never learned to recognize them until now.
And even now, they blow hot and cold. It's like they can do better and then back to nothing the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's me, or maybe DH is really just self-involved and willfully ignorant, but for whatever reason, I'm the only one who notices things that need to be fixed, cleaned, signed, paid for, dumped out, you name it, I'm always the first one to find the mess or realize the kids need something addressed before a situation gets ugly.

If there's moldly food in fridge, I'm the one who has to discover it and throw it out. If there's spilled juice on the floor, I'm the one who notices it and wipes it up. If the bathroom sink is clogged, I'm the one who notices it and has to ask him to fix it. If our kid needs new shoes because they have holes or they're too small and he's complaining, I'm the one who notices and takes him shopping unless I tell DH to take him shopping for new shoes. If there's trash on our front lawn, I'm the one who notices it and picks it up and throws it out (I experimented once and did not remove a large, very obvious piece of trash in one of our shrubs for a week; DH walked by it every day and didn't pull it out, shocker). I could go on and on. But if there is something that only he cares about that specifically involves him? Then he notices and does something about it because it bothers HIM.

It's exhausting. I feel like we'd have ants and roaches and social services at our door half the time if I weren't constantly coming up from behind. I've tried to nicely urge him to notice the living situation around him and help out. He insists he'll "get to it" but never does. I'm at my wit's end.

Mine never got this until I left him.

[Anonymous]

I think your husband has just gotten very used to you taking up the responsibility of things & is just living on “easy” street knowing that you will take care of everything yourself.

He sounds like a lazy, entitled brat who feels like he contributes just “enough” to the household.

If talking to him does not bring positive results then I would just let things slide on your end & let them get messy.
Hopefully he will start taking the initiative on his own.

If that doesn’t work your last resort may be counseling together.

Good luck 👍🏽.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had surgery in 2021, was bedridden for 2 weeks after, and barely mobile for another 2 weeks. We have literally never caught up from it. Like PP I tried to implement better systems after that for fear of what might happen to the kids if I were ever out of the picture for good, but DH couldn't manage it and my imagined death wasn't sufficiently motivating.

Instead I am focused on raising the kids to be competent and responsible for their surroundings. It's sad when a 9 year old can handle life better than a grown man.

What on Earth got so neglected in 4 weeks that you never caught up on it?

So much. But the kicker was that DH didn't apparently didn't touch a single item of his dirty clothing or piece of paper/mail during that time, and hid a bunch of it at the back of a closet in a panic once I was mobile. Then we moved last year. And what did he pack when we moved? Hidden piles of crap from 2021! Which are still in a box. Yes, weeks of ancient dirty laundry, receipts, junk mail, important mail, even birthday cards got tossed in a box and sealed. I can't even type the rest because it's so enraging.

Wait, you are SO on top of things that you don't know that there are piles (plural) of crap in the back of a closet in a house that you live in for 4 years? How big is your house?
I smell something and its not dirty laundry!

There's a little hatch door to an attic in the back wall of his closet and we don't use that attic. He had the things stuffed just behind that hatch door. When I had asked about where the clothes were he would say dry cleaners, or vacation house, or gym locker, or whatever, and then finally I just gave up and thought maybe he accidentally left stuff at a hotel on a work trip and was too embarrassed to tell me (which he's done before). It's a bonkers situation, I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do all you people marry ADHD people?

I had no idea such people existed. They were locked away back in the old country. Never learned to recognize them until now.
And even now, they blow hot and cold. It's like they can do better and then back to nothing the next day.

You're actually on to something. In the old days, people like this could seclude themselves and hyper focus on one thing they were really good at (like, go take care of your bees at the monastery so you can sell honey to support everyone and the other monks will make sure your meals and laundry are taken care of), or they would die in a farm or factory accident at 13 because they weren't paying attention and so they would never make it to adulthood. Now we have moms propping them up through young adulthood and so they can make it into society without basic life skills but they can otherwise seem normal and have a successful career if it's something they're really interested in and someone else is doing all the rest of the work in the background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's me, or maybe DH is really just self-involved and willfully ignorant, but for whatever reason, I'm the only one who notices things that need to be fixed, cleaned, signed, paid for, dumped out, you name it, I'm always the first one to find the mess or realize the kids need something addressed before a situation gets ugly.

If there's moldly food in fridge, I'm the one who has to discover it and throw it out. If there's spilled juice on the floor, I'm the one who notices it and wipes it up. If the bathroom sink is clogged, I'm the one who notices it and has to ask him to fix it. If our kid needs new shoes because they have holes or they're too small and he's complaining, I'm the one who notices and takes him shopping unless I tell DH to take him shopping for new shoes. If there's trash on our front lawn, I'm the one who notices it and picks it up and throws it out (I experimented once and did not remove a large, very obvious piece of trash in one of our shrubs for a week; DH walked by it every day and didn't pull it out, shocker). I could go on and on. But if there is something that only he cares about that specifically involves him? Then he notices and does something about it because it bothers HIM.

It's exhausting. I feel like we'd have ants and roaches and social services at our door half the time if I weren't constantly coming up from behind. I've tried to nicely urge him to notice the living situation around him and help out. He insists he'll "get to it" but never does. I'm at my wit's end.

You married an immature dude.

Sorry.

Don’t have kids or any more kids.

[Anonymous]

This is a well-known phenomenon called "male pattern blindness." Nora Ephron had a good shtick about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. It’s called men.

All you can do is make sure that you are proactively claiming time for yourself to rest and relax. That’s what men do, so you should do it too.

And you should see on other boards the complaints men have about women and the things about women that are reduced to Yes. It’s called women.

I am a woman, not detail oriented and I don’t notice half the things my husband does. I am also Type B personality, laid back and little things do not bother me and aren’t a priority whereas getting them done now is more of a priority to him. I also have ADHD which probably plays a role too. It is much more about personality and relationship dynamics than sex.

Name the boards.

[Anonymous]

My husband doesn’t notice a lot of things that are blindingly obvious to me, but I have been known to walk a block in the wrong direction coming out of the subway and he can’t understand how I don’t notice it. We’re just wired differently, and because we fundamentally like each other we can laugh about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have a conversation with him where you ask him to highlight things he notices that need to be done that you haven’t noticed. Maybe he also has a list or maybe he doesn’t. Either way you can then have a discussion about things on the lists. I think you need to be more problem solving oriented rather than complaining. It often leads to more change.

Like fire him.

That’s what you do with deadweights at work. Document all the dropped balls, feedback, promises, and incompetences, then fire him or her.