If your child was self centered / selfish did they grow out of it as adults?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is only 9 / in 3rd grade but since as early as 3, when her little brother was born, has been very selfish and self centered - always bean counting and making sure she gets the best of everything even though she has everything she could possibly need and more. E.g. picking the “best” cupcake and hiding it so no one else gets it, hoarding toys she doesn’t even like just so her brother doesn’t get them, melting down if something someone else got is missing from her goody bag. It’s exhausting and I’m wondering whether this is something she will mature out of or whether this is likely to persist into adulthood. Interested to hear from others who may have had similar kids as to how they are now as adults.

I came here to say all children are inherently selfish but you’re not describing a selfish child you’re describing an antisocial child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your DD the family scapegoat? The one who gets blamed? For everything? For existing? The identified patient?

Oh no it's the golden child who acts like this.

But the scapegoat is often incorrectly perceived as being selfish because the bar is set was too high and they are held to a higher standard than their sibling. OP says the bean counting issues started when the younger sibling was born. So, these aren’t inherent personality traits. It could be that the DD was expected to be mature beyond her years because her parents were overwhelmed by a new baby. OP probably fueled the dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your DD the family scapegoat? The one who gets blamed? For everything? For existing? The identified patient?

Oh no it's the golden child who acts like this.

But the scapegoat is often incorrectly perceived as being selfish because the bar is set was too high and they are held to a higher standard than their sibling. OP says the bean counting issues started when the younger sibling was born. So, these aren’t inherent personality traits. It could be that the DD was expected to be mature beyond her years because her parents were overwhelmed by a new baby. OP probably fueled the dynamic.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is only 9 / in 3rd grade but since as early as 3, when her little brother was born, has been very selfish and self centered - always bean counting and making sure she gets the best of everything even though she has everything she could possibly need and more. E.g. picking the “best” cupcake and hiding it so no one else gets it, hoarding toys she doesn’t even like just so her brother doesn’t get them, melting down if something someone else got is missing from her goody bag. It’s exhausting and I’m wondering whether this is something she will mature out of or whether this is likely to persist into adulthood. Interested to hear from others who may have had similar kids as to how they are now as adults.

Don't label her as selfish and don't let her accept this label. Think about why she feels the need to act that way? Show her kindness and appreciate her good actions. She isn't a lost cause.

[Anonymous]

For those who are posting that their kids are in their teens and twenties and still have this issue, how does it manifest in their young/adult lives? If it's not hoarding toys and cupcakes anymore, what does it look like now?

[Anonymous]

I think maturity helps a ton, but we are who we are when we"re born. I don't think they grow out of it per se, but learn boundaries surrounding it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who are posting that their kids are in their teens and twenties and still have this issue, how does it manifest in their young/adult lives? If it's not hoarding toys and cupcakes anymore, what does it look like now?

It manifested as a refusal to compromise about anything. Having to have the best room/side of room/shelf whatever in a shared apartment. Couldn't let someone else decide where the group would eat. Very materialistic. They couldn't see that they were losing friendships in order to have their way on everything.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, parents are often very bad at recognizing selfishness or entitlement in their kids. Some parents even instill these qualities in their kids via their parenting.

I do actually think this is one of the trickier parts of parenting though -- teaching your kid generosity and fairness without making them a doormat.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Some people are just programmed like this (like my brother), some people probably became this way because of how they were parented. Who knows! I have one like this and it drives me insane. She’s always been this way and I really have tried everything I can to redirect, correct, whatever. Read books, taken parenting classes, had a parenting coach, etc. but she is who she is.

I’m worried what will happen to her socially when she goes off to college next year but maybe that will have her snap out of it or at least dial it down a notch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who are posting that their kids are in their teens and twenties and still have this issue, how does it manifest in their young/adult lives? If it's not hoarding toys and cupcakes anymore, what does it look like now?

It manifested as a refusal to compromise about anything. Having to have the best room/side of room/shelf whatever in a shared apartment. Couldn't let someone else decide where the group would eat. Very materialistic. They couldn't see that they were losing friendships in order to have their way on everything.

Plus sense of entitlement to drive parents’ car (not the old one but the cool one) when they are home; ordering door dash when they don’t like the meal parents prepared; throwing a fit on family vacations when the group doesn’t accommodate their every preference.

[Anonymous]

You need to give her less.