Is reconcilation a unicorn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:65% of people stay together. It’s not a unicorn. People that reconcile almost never disclose to others. Many of your “couple goals” and many of the marriages you envy are marriages that behind doors have dealt with this and come out the other side.

This. If you only knew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's like running a marathon or getting sober . . . lots of people do it, but it's really hard and takes total commitment. You need to eat, breathe, and sleep accountability in order to do it right. And most cheaters are already lazy couch potatoes who probably aren't going to turn themselves into elite athletes.

As someone who's been there and done that and is now divorced after affair #2, I'll say . . . do NOT do any of the work for your spouse. Do not overcompensate. Do not get excited about tiny little bits of "effort." Don't give a ton of credit for "intentions" and ignore actions. Read Chump Lady. Read the book Fawning.

Honestly, this. Is it possible? yes. Is it likely? not really.

The sort of person who'd cheat in the first place has a LONG way to go if they want to be a higher-integrity human being. If they wanted that, they would've had it from the start. While some people really do just make a catastrophic mistake and then learn from it, many more people lie, manipulate, and pretend to change before reverting right back to the sort of person they were content to be all along.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them. The first time." - Maya Angelou

Somebody who was monogamous for 20 years is a lot different than somebody who always cheated. They showed they are capable of monogamy. Every situation is different. Every person is different. Your pool for dating in your 40/50/60s is going to basically be non-existent if you eliminate everyone who cheated. Sometimes what you have and built is better than the misfit toys circling the drain in the dating world.

I'm the original marathon comment and I'll just say, I guess? Mine waited 16 years to cheat the first time so brownie points for him I guess. Yes, there's a spectrum of f*cked-up-edness, and he would be ahead of the actual narcissists and psychopaths, but he is still very emotionally immature. And that was the real problem with our marriage. When we were 18 and 20, I had no way of realizing that he'd just never really grow up, and that he'd start going out four nights a week after our first baby was born and feel so, so sorry for himself if he had to constrain himself for the sake of family.

Having an affair meant that he had to reel the selfishness back and he tried, but it made him miserable. He went out probably 20 hours a week, on top of a full time job, many hobbies, and a lot of side investing he did for fun. Basically he's just insatiable. But let's throw a parade because he made time to take me out to lunch once a week.

He's also a chaos machine. I'm sure the 5 drinks he has every night and the suspected ADHD don't help with that. He bought his own house over a year ago and I just got a credit card in his name and a notice that a loan is being audited. The loan is for one of his other side businesses but it was addressed to the LLC that now only I own. If I asked him for an explanation he'd just blame the bank; how many hours of my life did I waste listening to him complain about how other people messed things up.

So I was loyal, and I was sticking it out, and he "tried," and we had fun and a good sex life (if he was ever home), but it was a raw, raw deal for me. Like honestly I cannot believe that some other woman wants him. I chuckle about it a lot. She can have fun listening to all his stories about all the mysterious bad things that just happen to him.

My point is, that sure, our marriage was fine, and sure, he wasn't as terrible as someone visiting sex workers or constantly cheating. I mean, he called me to cry and tell me how much he cares about me and thinks I'm a good mother on the day the divorce was final. And he did right by me financially. What a guy! He wasn't as terrible as some other cheaters! But he was a terrible partner, because he's self-absorbed and has absolutely zero insight into himself.

And boy did I spend so much time and energy giving him credit for really feeble attempts at adulting. Now I get to laugh as he only has the kids 43% of the time but that's so much more parenting than he's ever done.

I'm not afraid of being alone. I thought I was. But being the Queen of the Castle, as I call myself, is so much better. I have a vibrator. I have lovely friends. I have my amazing daughters. If the bar is some loser who makes time to take me to lunch once a week and scratches my itch for sex, I'm sure I can find that again if I want it. But this time it will be on my terms, with no strings attached.

[Anonymous]

Yes. We did but it was a mistake. The root causes of why the cheating occurred were never addressed and divorce eventually resulted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:65% of people stay together. It’s not a unicorn. People that reconcile almost never disclose to others. Many of your “couple goals” and many of the marriages you envy are marriages that behind doors have dealt with this and come out the other side.

I think one of the greatest lessons of adulthood is that you don't know what the F is going on in anybody's private life and you shouldn't bother even trying to figure it out or "envying" them. There have been so many people in my life who I thought "oh wow they're great/their marriage is great/etc." and there was so much under the surface that was not enviable.

So yeah, if a majority of women have stayed with cheaters, they could have so many reasons and that STILL doesn't mean it's a good decision or real reconciliation. F that.

[Anonymous]

^ women cheat too. They are in that percentage as well.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends.

We did and are very happy empty nesters now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the advice is to treat it like Marriage 2.0. Your old marriage is dead and gone. Start from a clean slate. If the betrayed spouse can’t get over what happened then it is what it is, and might be time to move on.

Yeah no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends.

We did and are very happy empty nesters now.

Same. Kids in college. Tight knit family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ women cheat too. They are in that percentage as well.

Yep women file 70-80% of divorces and cheat and the same rate as men. Guess we know who lacks commitment nowadays….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. We did but it was a mistake. The root causes of why the cheating occurred were never addressed and divorce eventually resulted.

What were the root causes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. We did but it was a mistake. The root causes of why the cheating occurred were never addressed and divorce eventually resulted.

What were the root causes?

NP here: rarely does cheating have to do with a root cause but based on a book I am reading (and I am a betrayed one) lots to do with sex and addictions..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. We did but it was a mistake. The root causes of why the cheating occurred were never addressed and divorce eventually resulted.

What were the root causes?

DP . . . lack of emotionally maturity, lack of empathy, untreated alcoholism, untreated ADHD, entitlement.

[Anonymous]

I’m trying to think of one man I know who cheated who only cheated once. There are none.

Just cut your losses and cut them early.

I have a friend whose husband supposedly did all the work. Supposedly they rebuilt. But she discovered he was having an emotional affair at work.

Later she found out it was also physical. And then she found out about another one.

It was very sad because their kids no longer talk to their father. They say he cheated on them, on the entire family. He took away their innocence, their childhood. He seemed like the perfect husband too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m trying to think of one man I know who cheated who only cheated once. There are none.

Just cut your losses and cut them early.

I have a friend whose husband supposedly did all the work. Supposedly they rebuilt. But she discovered he was having an emotional affair at work.

Later she found out it was also physical. And then she found out about another one.

It was very sad because their kids no longer talk to their father. They say he cheated on them, on the entire family. He took away their innocence, their childhood. He seemed like the perfect husband too.

Ehh. This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m trying to think of one man I know who cheated who only cheated once. There are none.

Just cut your losses and cut them early.

I have a friend whose husband supposedly did all the work. Supposedly they rebuilt. But she discovered he was having an emotional affair at work.

Later she found out it was also physical. And then she found out about another one.

It was very sad because their kids no longer talk to their father. They say he cheated on them, on the entire family. He took away their innocence, their childhood. He seemed like the perfect husband too.

That’s because cheating occurs due to fundamental character flaws, both men and women.